Gay did it again...

Now it's the gays fault that Marikana happened??? We should have known we would get the blame... lol... well.. it's either us or Satan.. oh wait.. we are a product of Satan.. Gay Jumper Demons and all that...

Pastor Errol Naidoo from the Family Policy Institute
"Abortion-on-demand, driven by radical feminist activists and the homosexual agenda, lie at the heart of the culture of death. These anti-family groups are responsible for population decline ... There has been much hand wringing and recrimination about the Marikana [tragedy]. But when human life is diminished in the womb, that callousness will find its way into the national psyche."

Ebb and Flow

Again it has been months since my thoughts have wanted out... but here I am.. the need to write over-powering.

Where to from here is anyone's guess...

The stalker saga really frightened the life out of me... scared me away from my blog... It has been a long hard journey standing in my truth.. I have stumbled, fallen and scraped my hands and knees more often than I like to admit.. but I am still here...

I began a different path after Gen's passing.  I have tried to look more objectively within myself, to find not only truth, but motive..  I have written about this before.. For most of my life I have been plagued by the question "Does that make me a good person?".  People say I am a good person because I try to do the right things... but if my motives are not pure of any manipulation, then surely I am not a good person, but merely playing a role?

Anyway... back to motives...

Since Gen's death, I have searched many avenues to find a mantra or "life message" that I can believe in... Recently I found one.. And I think it has been a true and solid path.. It is sometimes incredibly difficult to follow, but is proving worth it at the end of each "obstacle".

Tonight I am struggling with my most difficult challenge to date since adopting this code...  Tonight I struggle to act without ego... My ego is proving stronger than my emotional intelligence..

To act without ego is the goal... and tonight I am a blind striker.. and missing by miles..

Tomorrow is a new day...

Tomorrow I will try again..

Tomorrow I begin with a fresh and full portion of faith in humanity...

Tomorrow...

Cry Wolf It Was Not

If you were expecting something pretty with this post, then prepare to be disappointed..

She killed herself.. Took her own life...  She threatened to do it for so long and now she has done it.

The shock has been indescribable. 

I learned of her death in the early hours of Saturday morning, and I only now feel as if I am coming up for air for the first time.  My intense reaction to her death has left me stunned - we didn't get along, lets leave it at that...

In fact, many people didn't get along with her - and yet since her death they are coming out of the woodwork saying how much they will miss her etc etc..  And this infuriates me!

None of us were there for her when she cried for help..  And I am carrying a burden of guilt for this.  You see she had cried wolf so many times and I had dashed to save her.. I came to distrust her cry for help.  How sad is that?  I didn't think she would really do it.. I thought it was just to get attention... and now she is gone..

I am struggling immensely with my guilt..  But that doesn't mean that I will all of a sudden start spewing lies about how she was my best friend, or how we were bosom buddies.

I am, however, choosing to remember the person I first met.. the one who made me laugh.. and who dropped everything to come and visit me one evening because I was down... that is the woman I will remember.

Your death has had a profound impact on my life and I am implementing changes so I am once again able to like the person in the mirror - your passing has brought change for the better to who I am.. Thank you for that.

I pray that you are at peace and can now, at last, rest easy.



The sharp knife of a short life

So many thoughts... So much reality.. So much truth..

My bum has no purpose

Stuff my 3-yr-old says:  

 Me: Daniel, did you make a stinky?

 Daniel: No Mamma, my bum is quiet. you did it!

 Me: I am a lady Daniel, ladies don't poop

 Daniel: Then what is your bum for?



Gossipers, Hypocrites and Backstabbers

The first time I met M she was a sweet as syrup.  She seemed so genuine and welcoming of me that I completely let down my guard - Zel and I both thought this was someone we could both have as a friend... little did I know...  You know that old saying about keep your friends close and your enemies closer?  Well it certainly applies to this one..

Towards the end of last year when things went sour between Zel and I, Zel spent a great deal of time with M - considering her a friend.  M and her "gang" spun a whole bunch of lies into Zel's ear - this in turn fuelled Zel's rage towards me.  They spent a great deal of energy telling Zel what a terrible person and pathological liar T was.

About a month into my relationship with T, M suddenly turned on Zel - and then started telling T what a terrible person Zel is and how I was better off with T than with Zel.

I know this is confusing, but stay with me...

When T and I broke up, M was suddenly best friends with T again and spinning all sorts of lies into T's ear .. which she is still doing..  About how Zel and I were actually still seeing each other behind T's back.  Say what???  This is completely ridiculous, as Zel and I were not on speaking terms for the entire duration of my relationship with T.

Now bring into the fold K..  K was supposedly Zel's best friend (who is now sleeping with Zel's ex girlfriend W).  K was also always so sweet to me.  I opened up to her about some very personal things to do with my childhood.  As far as I knew, K and I had built quite a friendship and she went to a great deal of trouble to tell me how she will always be there for me.. and how much she liked me... blah blah blah.. Only for me to find out very recently that K told Zel that she had never liked me... not even from Day 1.  I have been so hurt by this revelation as I opened up to K about some very personal issues, which I am sure are now being used as dinner conversations for all of them. 

A couple of weeks ago Zel and I went to a party, K was there, and she hugged and greeted me like a long lost friend.  What a two-faced bitch!

Now lets get to Zel's ex-girlfriend.  W has been against Zel and I being together from the start.  In the beginning I held my tongue, and gave W the respect I thought she deserved being Zel's ex.  Zel explained to me that W was just raising concerns for Zel's involvement with me out of love for Zel and wanting to protect her from getting hurt by a married woman with children - this respect has now gone out the window... why you may ask?  The answer is simple..

1.  W has always said that I am taking advantage of Zel and not looking out for Zel's best interest.  I find this incredibly difficult to believe when W is the one who has taken from Zel everything she can in order to further herself.  She has borrowed, begged and stolen from Zel and has now left Zel in a very tough corner that is difficult to get out of.  W came to Zel and begged for Zel to do something for her that would put serious strain on Zel's life.  Zel did it out of love for W... on the condition that certain things were completed by the end of last year... these things have still not been completed and when Zel asked W for help, W's response was, "sorry, not at this time"  Which has now left my long suffering girlfriend in some trouble.

2.  W always said it was me she didn't like, that I, with my complicated life, was bad for Zel... However, when Zel and I were out of contact, Zel dated someone else.  Someone who has no complications and truly is as sweet as syrup.  This girl too was met with the cold front and W and "the gang" were less than welcoming to this soul too.  Which leaves me to question whether W just wants Zel to be single and miserable so W can keep leeching off Zel for the rest of her life.

Now add to all of this that Zel was left to figure out for herself that K and W were seeing each other.  Neither of them gave Zel the respect she deserves by telling her face to face that her ex girlfriend (they dated for about 9 years) and her best friend were in fact sleeping together.

Now enter the fact that W, K and M are all close friends... and have completely cut Zel out of their lives because Zel and I are now dating. 

After our fallout last year, my friends too were sceptical about Zel and I getting serious, but my friends have accepted Zel with open arms, and are taking the stance that if I am happy, then they are happy.  Zel's friends however have completely cut her out and abandoned her - not only that, they all deserted her for the celebration of her 30th birthday - how cruel can people be???  The pain that this caused and is still causing Zel is something I will not soon forget.

So.. to the three of you:  My time of keeping my mouth shut to all of you is done.  Last year you thought me weak because I let you carry on and never stood up for myself.  That time is now over.  My strength, as well as my resolve to protect my girlfriend from your gossipping, lying and selfish ways is more formidable than you think...  So I say to you.. watch yourselves.. and if you see me walking towards you, run and hide.. I will no longer be quite to your sanctimonious, hypocritical ways.. and if you have something to say about me, then for the first time in your lives at least have enough of a spine to say it to my face.

To my friends, I wish to once again say a big thank you, from both Zel and myself, for showing us what true friendship is all about

For Jelly...

Bunny Boilers, Stalkers and Psychos

There seem to be so many bunny boilers around at the moment...

In the past month I picked up a stalker.  I am not exaggerating...  The VERY short version went like this:

Met a chick... Made it very clear that I do not want to be exclusive with her.. Also made it very clear that I was not looking for a relationship of any sort, and that I was dating other people.  Fooled around with her for 5 days.  On day 6 I told her that we could not get together that night because I had other plans - enter the bunny boiler!

Starts accusing me of sleeping with people I have never even met - I am good, but getting laid by someone I have never met is beyond even my fabulosity.  The abusive and aggressive text messages start here.  She drives past my house on numerous occasions to see who is visiting me.  Sends me messages about hiding cars in my garage so as to pull the wool over her eyes - Say What??? 

Firstly, we never dated, we only fooled around for a few days.  Secondly I am a 36-year-old woman, I do not need to hide anything from anyone.  Thirdly, the person who was actually at my house visiting that evening is now my girlfriend - Thankfully, all the communication that went back and forth between the Bunny Boiler and myself from this point on was witnessed by Zel (the afore-mentioned girlfriend).

The Bunny Boiler then starts threatening people to stay away from me, that they are not allowed to be friends with me - and all the time she is doing this, she is lying through her teeth.  She tells me one thing, and tells the other party a completely different story.  However, she is so far gone, and so delusional that she actually believes her own lies... it is something to witness, I will tell you that much..

She continues to stalk me, bumping into me in shopping centres, driving up and down my road.  She is bipolar though, because one minute she is all sweet and kind, and the next threatening me again.  It gets to the point where I am literally scared for my safety.  I call my security company and give them her car details as well as a personal description of her - the next time she threatened me I told her to leave me alone.  To never contact me again.  And I told her that I had given her details over to my security company... Her response was: "When I am done with you, you will need more than just a security company for protection".

So by this point I am completely freaked out... I can't sleep anymore... noises in my house or on my property make me jumpy.  I worry that she will come for me at a time of day when she knows I am alone... and when nobody will think anything of it if they don't hear from me for a while..

The last time she threatened me I sat up crying and scared the whole night.. At 4am Zel woke up to me losing my mind and fearing for my safety.  At which point my long suffering girlfriend had now had enough.  Zel then proceeds to tell the Bunny Boiler to stop picking on me and to rather pick on someone her own size.. and strength...like Zel...  She was warned very clearly that this must now come to an end.  Since then, I have not heard from her or been threatened again - this was almost a week ago...

Which brings me to my point...

Most stalkers and bunny boilers are merely playground bullies who never grew up.  I know that by me blogging this I may be opening myself up to further abuse by my particular bully, but the time has come for us to stand up against this kind of abuse and threats.  Bullies get their kicks out of your fear... and they feel safe in your silence. 

Well I for one will not stay silent.  Too many of our children are the victims of abuse in schools, and I believe that it is up to us to show them that there is nothing to be ashamed of, that you cannot let your fear keep you muzzled.  Most bullies retreat when met with resistance - as mine has done since Zel stood up to her.  I am still frightened of her, but I will not let fear dominate my life.  I for one am speaking out..

Lead by example!

Top 10 Tips - from Lesbians to straight men

WARNING:  This post contains language and terminology that sensitive readers may find offensive.  Discretion is advised.

This post has been a long time coming.. but I am finally at the point where I think that a certain "group" in society really need a little help in looking less like idiots... so here goes:

This list is my Top 10 things straight guys should avoid saying to LESBIANS and why they should be avoided.

1.  I am also a LESBIAN

Dude, while you may think this a hilarious way to break the ice with a LESBIAN, I can assure you that we find it rather annoying.  Firstly, it is a sin against nature for anything with a penis to call themselves a LESBIAN.  Secondly, it may have been funny the first time we heard it, but after the 6000th time it is just rather a yawn for us, and we pretty much know every straight guy on the planet is going to say it to us at one point or another.

2.  How can you call it sex without a penis/penetration?

This one makes me want to slap you on the forehead just to see how quick your reflexes are!!!  Dumbass!!!  Just because there is no penis, does not mean there is no penetration, and any man who is stupid enough to ask this question is mocked and laughed at by LESBIANS everywhere... because it is thinking like this that makes it so much easier for us to lure your sisters into our beds..  No wonder there are so many un-satisfied straight chicks in the world, when so many straight men believe sex is about penetration.

3.  You just have not had the right penis yet

OMG.. this one never fails to get the response of my jaw dropping on the ground.  This happens sooooooo many times.  I will be in a pub and some guy is hitting on me.  Usually I will try to dissuade him gently, however, if the message is not getting through, I will usually respond with "Honey, you are just not my type, but if you introduce me to your sister..."  It is around this point that it dawns on him that I am gay.. and 9 times out of 10 they will then make the comment that no woman is truly gay, we just have not had the right penis yet... implying that I should try their fabulous specimen.  And it is usually around this point in the conversation that I ask him to picture himself having sex with the barman, and as the would be suitor gags on the thought, I point out that I feel pretty much the same at the thought of having sex with the barman.

4.  Who is the man in the relationship?

There is no man in the relationship dumbass... that is the whole point!  Now, granted, it may look to you like one woman is dominant in the relationship, but just because one of the women does not wear dresses and make-up, does not make her the dominant partner, it is just her personal choice when it comes to her appearance.  This does not however always roll-over in to the bedroom.  Have you never heard the term "butch in the streets and femme in the sheets?"  If not, I would be happy to explain it to you.

5.  Can I join in?

I know this may come as a shock to you, but if we wanted a man to join in our sexual escapades, we would pick one of any number of salivating gentlemen.  Also, if we wanted a man in our bed, this would technically make us bisexual and not LESBIAN.  While there are gay women out there who once in a while dabble with the opposite sex, we more often than not do not appreciate this offer.  If we want you in our beds, we will make the move...  So you should live by the rule that if we don't ask we are not interested.  And just to make it clear, I am not one of these women who dabble across the bridge - I burnt the bridge when I crossed over.

6.  Can I watch?

There is absolutely nothing appealing about letting a man watch me make love to my girlfriend... I know this also may come as a surprise to you, but fantasising about you getting an erection whilst watching me bring my girlfriend to orgasm is more like a nightmare than a sexually stimulating thought.

7.  Prove it!

This one is just so stupid it usually just makes me turn around and walk away without even responding.  It really does go hand-in-hand with numbers 5 and 6.

8.  It is such a waste that a woman like you is gay

In the words of a very clever LESBIAN I know, "As if we were put on this planet purely for the pleasure of men!"  I promise you that me being gay is seen as a beautiful thing by other gay women.  The only waste was the oxygen you stole from the planet to make this idiotic statement.

9.  If you like butch women, why don't you just date a man?

Listen dumbass, this one usually makes me ask you if you went to special school???  A butch woman is still a woman - and it amazes me that I have to explain it to you.  There are all different kinds of women on this great big rock, and just like you may have a personal type that you are attracted to, so do I.  I am not generally attracted to femme girls - While I can appreciate that they are sexy, beautiful or attractive, they usually don't get me all hot and flustered.  A tomboy, or butch women is a completely different story.  I love the way their strength swirls around their softer sides.  A butch woman may look all tough and masculine on the outside, but I promise you that in private she is all woman, and she knows and understands my needs in a way that only a woman can.   She may be wearing biker boots and a button down shirt, but underneath the clothing her skin is soft and her curves are in the same places as mine.. you do the math!

10.  Are you sure?

WTF?  Are you sure you shouldn't sit down before you hurt yourself thinking so much???

So listen up boys, the next time you meet a LESBIAN and are tempted to say one of the above... rather don't!  Just keep your dignity and ego in tact and either change the subject or try your luck with someone else, because with us you are just flogging a dead horse when you continue to buy drinks for a woman who was clearly not interested the first time you used your "tried and tested" pick-up line.

One step at a time

This weeks Music Monday goes out to a very special person... together you and I are going to climb these mountains looming so large in front of us...

The Lesbian Grapevine

So here is the thing right.. In the straight world, every couple would have one male and one female (stay with me here, I realise it is a complicated equation), in the LESBIAN world, there are two women in a couple.  With me so far?

Now, how often in the straight world, do we hear the men standing around the braai (barbecue) complaining about how women gossip, or how we fuel everything with drama, or we make Kilimanjaro out of The Melville Koppies?  Now these men do have reason to complain... women do gossip, and in doing so we create a vacuum of meaningless information that usually ends up hurting whoever it is we are gossipping about.

Now imagine if you will, what it must be like in a LESBIAN relationship - both parties are women, all our friends are women, all our exes  are women and basically everyone except our male family members and the occasional moffie - yup, you guessed it all women...  So when this well-oiled machine kicks into gossip mode, all hell usually breaks loose.

I, very recently, had the extreme misfortune of once again being on the receiving end of this chain of gossip!  I will break it down for you - however, the example, as well as all names, have been changed to protect the innocent (and the back stabbing bitches who would take it personally).

It went something like this:

I called Jane and said: "I feel a little bloated today, hope I am not coming down with something!"

Jane called Michelle and said, "Have you noticed Kerren is looking a little bloated, I wonder what's up?"

Michelle called Sarah and said, "Kerren has put on weight recently, she is looking larger don't you think?"

Sarah called Pam and said, "Have you seen how much weight Kerren has put on, wouldn't it be funny if she was pregnant?"

Pam called Sue and said, "It looks like Kerren is pregnant, so much for her being gay right!"

Sue called Anne and said, "I told you that bitch is a straight chick, she is pregnant, by a man obviously!"

Anne called my girlfriend and said, "I am so sorry to hear what Kerren did to you... I hate to say I told you so, but we did warn you, never date a straight chick!"

And at the moment when my girlfriend comes round to discuss our relationship (keep this in mind), I am left bitch-slapped by the vacuum that is the female gay universe and wondering how on earth I fell pregnant...

Perhaps you really can fall pregnant from a toilet seat...

For Venus

This week my Music Monday is dedicated to Venus... who made me laugh our loud and really have a belly aching laugh for the first time in days. 

You should really check out her show at SO HO in Boksburg... she rocks!

Missing you...

I miss you every day... I hope you are blowing out your candles in heaven little one

Love Mommy

xxx

Courage to let go

Does any of it really matter anymore?  Seriously?  Really?

Does any of it really matter?

I can type until I am blue in the face.. I talk and talk and talk, but neither of you are listening.. you are not really listening.  And the truth is I can't even blame you, because you are both so wrapped up in your own problems that you cannot possibly see the ledge where I teeter.  Same as I am so wrapped up in my problems that I cannot comprehend yours...

I feel like I am the last person to get any of your attention, your time, your love..  There are so many things taking your time and energy, that the truth is you really don't have space in your life for me.  For a few weeks this sent me into a spiral of self-pity, but I am gradually coming out of my pity-party to the other side.  What is on the other side?  Nothing... that's what... absolutely nothing... My heart is closing... my emotions are dying.. and still you are not here.. So be it..

And as for you... well.. On the one hand I can see where you are coming from - I get how torn you are... So I don't blame you either.  I am just incredibly sad that even though you are probably the only person on the planet to know just how deep and black my head space is, you are still considering walking away from me because it is expected of you... How does that make me feel?  Incredibly worthless.. One of the things I learnt from the programme you made me watch is that everyone needs a rock... everyone does... and I need to find one I can count on to be there when I just need someone to sit with me ... just to be in the same room so I am not alone.. You asked for time to figure out if you want to be in my life, as a friend, to help me through the darkness, or if you should rather choose your 1-month relationship with a woman who is demanding that you never have contact with me again..  It really is very simple... if you have to sit and think about it... then I really am not worth it to you... So be it...

What was the point of this post?  Who knows... and does it really matter?

Let It Rise

They tell me to write about happy events.. happy thoughts …. To put positive things on paper.. they do not understand my writing.

For some reason I struggle to write if I am not in pain.. my writing is born of my pain.. the bad days give rise to the longing inside me to express myself – very rarely do the words flow on the good days.

Asking me to write inspirational pieces is like asking Stephen King to write trashy love stories… His writing comes from darkness.. mine too.

Tonight the pain is rising .. like the tide.. inevitable…it is a living pulsing thing inside of me.. tonight the pain wants a voice.

When we were children, Angie had a doll that went everywhere with her – at 37 she still has this doll and guards it protectively like a child. The doll has a hard head and hands, but the rest of her is made merely of cloth and foam stuffing. Because this doll is so dearly loved and treasured, she often looked a bit shop worn and tattered due to the constant intense handling. Every so often Granny would recover the doll for Angie, giving her a new lease on life – or so I have always believed…

Tonight I know the truth – the doll was covered, not to give her a fresh start, but rather to hide the worn and battered appearance underneath.

I am the doll.

I have been covering myself in layers of new and shiny things. Believing that I was starting afresh… that the new covering would take away the ugliness that lurks beneath.

But the ugliness remains.. Tonight the new and shiny coverings cannot hold back what went before. It seeps through the new layers to the surface.

I feel the darkness coming down around me.. closing me in .. shutting you out..you are still here, but I will The Nothing to cover you completely.. so that even though you are here and you can see me, it will hide you from me.. to remove from my gaze the vision that causes such deep pain.. such a longing inside me that it slowly corrodes any goodness that may remain.

Tonight The Nothing is welcome.. I am willingly allowing it in .. waiting for it to shut everything else out..

Let there be nothing

It Does Get Better

This is a song that is very close to my heart...

Dating: Men vs Women Part 2

This is the follow up to this post...

Before I begin, let me just say that Part 1 caused quite a stir with some of the LESBIANS in my world.  What I find interesting, is that none of them posted comments on the blog, but rather spoke to me in private.  And a couple of them were rather vocal about my opinions - so listen up Lesbo's:  The opinions voiced in this blog are simply that... opinions... they are my opinions based on my (grantedly small) experience of the LESBIAN world.

Secondly, you will have noticed that each time I type the word LESBIAN, it is in pink.. and in caps... and this is because I have also taken flack from all the GSL's for using the word LESBIAN.  Apparently it is very uncool to use the word LESBIAN... I should be saying gay woman... My response to this is.. blah blah blah.. get over yourselves... I am a LESBIAN.. you are a LESBIAN... own it biatch!

Right... moving swiftly along...

Another of the major differences between dating men vs dating women is the drama - OMG the drama!

Men are rather simple folk really - there are only a couple of things you need to do to keep them happy.  Men want the 3 F's: Feed, F*{^K and Focus (on them) - if you keep these three things in a positive space, men are generally happy.

Women are completely different... they need the whole alphabet... Don't believe me?  Watch this:
A - Accept
B - Back up
C - Compassion
D - Dazzle
E - Eager Beaver
F - Facilitate (the Eager Beaver)
G - Gimme
H - Honesty
I - Independence
J - Jealousy
K - Karma
L - LESBIAN
M - Mammary
N - Negotiate
O - Orgasm
P - Pick up
Q - Quagmire
R - Respect
S - Sensual
T - Tits
U - Ubiquitous
V - Vagina
W - Waxed
X - X - Rated
Y - Yummy
Z - Zonked

With women there are so many things you have to take into consideration... things that really don't matter to men.  For example if you don't say good morning to your boyfriend every day, it is not seen as a big deal.. With women all hell breaks loose if you don't say good morning or goodnight to them - they will assume that there is something fundamentally wrong with the relationship... or you are cheating.

If you have an argument, even over the smallest little thing, men really don't care.  They fight, they yell, they have their say and then they move on.  With women it is the end of the world as we know it!  There is either something fundamentally wrong with the relationship... or you are cheating.

If you do not orgasm during sex with a man, his ego will be bruised very briefly, until he convinces himself that there must be something wrong with you as his Perfect Penis is a masterpiece.  With women, there is either something fundamentally wrong with the relationship, or you are cheating.

If you go out for drinks with the girls, your boyfriend will probably be happy that he gets a night off from entertaining you.  With women, if you take a night off from seeing her and go out with the girls, there is either something fundamentally wrong with the relationship... or you are cheating.

If you don't pick up the phone every time they call - there is something fundamentally wrong with the relationship... or you are cheating.

If you change your hair drastically - there is something fundamentally wrong with the relationship, or you are cheating...

Are you getting the idea?

The point is nothing is simple when dating a woman.  Everything must be analysed, reanalysed and over thunk enough to make even Einsteins head spin..

And now my head is spinning... Part 3 another day.

Gotye - Somebody That I Used to Know

Firstly, I apologise for the sizing issue - I normally resize them for the blog, but am unable to do so with this one - perhaps tomorrow morning when the sun is up I will be able to figure it out lol.

Secondly, I am amazed at all the airtime this song is currently receiving in South Africa.  An Aussie friend of mine introduced me to this song well over six months ago, but whenever I spoke about it to anyone, they had never heard of it and looked at me like I am crazy.. Now everyone is playing it..

I have known the words from start to finish for a while now.. this song resonates with me stupidly..

Dating men vs Dating women Part 1

The confusion of dating men is nothing when compared with the insanity of dating women. For the first time in my life I feel like I should get in touch with all my ex-boyfriends and apologise for all the emotional chaos that swirls around dating a woman.

For starters, when you are dating men, the roles are always clear – and men have no problem with this.  Yes, there are exceptions and everyone is different, but as a general rule the roles are clear.  There are clearly male functions and clearly female functions…

Dating women is a whole new ballgame… and there are many different dimensions and layers... It is a minefield that must be negotiated with every new relationship.

For example:

If a woman (in the gay world) is very butch, she will typically take on the same role as a male – she will open your car door for you, let you walk through the door first, order your drinks at the bar, pay for dinner or stand up when you walk in or out of a room.  And generally butch women have the best manners out of everyone.

On the other hand, if you are dating a femme woman, she will want you to perform some of these common courtesies – the problem for someone like me is that I am generally femme; I was raised in the straight world, which means that it does not occur to me to open someone’s car door, or pull out her chair at dinner… this can lead to possible complications over who does what.

It becomes really complicated when dating a frutch (this is a woman who has some femme tendencies, but generally is considered butch by the straight world).  This is a vortex of chaos waiting to happen… Unless of course you are a Gold Star Lesbian (GSL).  A GSL has been in the gay world for so long that it never occurs to her that her intricate and complicated system of roles and who does what is anything other than completely natural.

Over and above that, many gay women are completely against the idea of roles – they balk at the mere idea of anyone having roles based purely on their gender or sexuality.  So for someone like me who was raised in a world where (most of the time) there are quite clearly roles for the different genders, it can be extremely difficult to not offend anyone.   

And on top of all that, you have the fact that, even though many won’t admit it in public, many butch women like to be with femme women who were raised in the straight world – this is because we are domesticated… completely domesticated.  Not only that, but femme girls who were raised in the straight world do not generally take offence at being expected to be a wife.  Whereas many GSL’s go a little crazy with offence at any mention of roles or domesticity or who does what…

I think that’s enough for one day..lol.. my head is already spinning with all the different dimensions I am currently processing… Part Two to follow…

Inbetween

The disappointment is less that is for sure…

I am learning to live with less

To expect less

To need less 

Can you feel the change?

Where once I was spoilt for choice

Now I go without

There are days when there is nothing

Nothing but the functionary response expected

It has already begun

The lack of emotion remains unnoticed

The monotone overlooked

I respond and it is accepted

Much like Pavlov’s dog

I dreaded the start

One brick at a time

One breath at a time

Closing it in

Building it strong

Yet now I long for the completion

 

As it grows I become stronger

The naysayer insists there will be a price

They cannot possibly know that I owe nothing

My toll paid in full many moons ago

 

Has it occurred to you yet?

Ramblings of a busy mind

Today I sit and write with no idea what is coming… It is the first time in forever that the need to write is overpowering.. and yet I have no idea what I will type.

Sometimes there is a specific topic that I need to write about.. you have seen me write a few times by beginning the post saying that the words of the post were going round and round in my head.. they were demanding voice, demanding an audience.. and those blog posts I love to write..

But..

This is my favourite way to write… The urge to write is strong.. I need to get some things out of me.. I have to write.. and yet I have no idea what is coming.. Where will the post go? Not even I know..
I do know that SHE is on my mind a lot at the moment. I know this is because her date is coming up soon. One of the two dates on the calendar that fill me with such emotion I am never quite sure what I am feeling.. It has been 7 years.. How can so much time have moved on since you left? Are you still watching down on me? Do you see into my soul the way nobody else can? Do you look at me through the eyes of a child, or through the eyes of an old soul? Do you see into our past? Do you carry all the connections that we have experienced through lifetimes?

I carry you with me in this moment as I have down countless ones before. But today it hurts..

I sit in my study and look out the door to the falling rain.. I look passed Adam’s desk. A desk that is now empty… The only proof that it once was occupied is the cactus that no longer flourishes and the bolts on the wall where a monitor was once fastened..

The rain continues to fall .. relentless in its downward fall…

YOU too are on my mind. It has been almost 3 years since your passing.. and I still think of you more often than I think you would have believed. I ponder where our friendship would be now had you lived. I wonder if your soul is now at peace with HER and your SON. I wonder if it was your sudden passing that has made it so difficult for my mind, my soul, to let you go. You were ripped out of our lives so violently that the shock is still with me. I hope your soul is at peace my friend.

Bringing conscious thoughts of YOU to mind always leads me back to the FIRST. Ten years have gone by since you took your own life. Do you regret ending it all? When in truth all you ended was your earthly suffering. Your death began mine. Have you heard the thoughts I have sent you over the years? Do you know that I still regret not trying harder when I could see you were suffering? You were my first real shock with death.. Your death shook me then as it still does now… I hope your soul is at peace my friend.

I cast my mind way back into the past to hold on to a happy thought… I am just a little girl, playing in my grandparents’ garden. It is a beautiful sunny day. I am on the swing in the tree just outside the kitchen door. I can smell the scent of the berries – It is a scent I have long been searching for. Every time I see a tree that could be the same as the one in your garden I crush a berry and take a deep breath of the scent released… I have yet to find it, but I would know it anywhere. 

Max is lying in the sun and Candy is lying on the kitchen floor out of the heat. My Grandfather is cleaning the pool, and my grandmother is whipping up something yummy in the kitchen.  I can hear the sound of summer... In this moment  have no inclincing of the twists and turns that await me in the future... I hold this memory with me now as I travel through these emotions…

Now we both know where this post went…

Just Breathe

Lonely

It has been 12 years since I have lived alone - It's a third of my life.

I have never understood how people can say that they are lonely - especially women who are just coming out of divorce.  I have always thought stop being so ridiculous, there are plenty of places to meet people and to increase your circle of friends - you just have to get out there and make an effort - now that I am in the same situation, I understand how difficult it really is.

It is not that I don't have friends, or people to spend the day with, it's just that the loneliness is present even when I am surrounded by people.  It is something that sits deep inside me and is continuously there - even when I have family or friends right in front of me.

There is a hole inside me that seems to be growing...

There is still no doubt in my mind that I have chosen the right path for me, and yet this feeling of disappearing, of not really being alive is gnawing away at my soul.  I have met some truly amazing people in the past couple of weeks - people who I know if I gave them a call now and said, "lets do something today", most of them would make the effort to spend time with me - and yet the emptiness still grows.

It is becoming a bit of a vicious circle - the more the emptiness grows, the less I want to go out and be around people.  And the less I go out and be around people the more the emptiness grows.  It is growing at such an alarming rate right now that I am beginning to wonder if I am not suffering with a bit of depression?

This thought seems absolutely ridiculous and plausible at the same time.  It seems ridiculous because I am in a space in my life where I have never been happier with who I am and the choices I have made, and yet it seems plausible because I am finding it more and more difficult to get out of bed in the mornings.  Every night when I go to bed I tell myself that tomorrow will be different.. tomorrow I am going to do something fun with the boys, or invite friends round, or take the boys to visit family.  And yet every morning when the sun rises all I really want to do is stay in bed and watch the day pass through my window.

Some days when the boys are not here, I just lay on the bed for hours and stare out the window... Literally hours can pass without me realising that time is moving on...

I know that it will take time.. and I know I need to take it one day at a time... but there are old friendships that I miss very much right now.. there is something about old friendships that is very comforting at times like this...

Having said that, there are a couple of friends (some very new) who are a constant source of positive energy and light to me right now.. Debbi, Les, Tray, Lynn, Trace, Cat, and especially Blom... You guys are worth more to me than you know.. thank you for always looking out for me



Music Monday

Kiwi's song of the Day...

It Is What It Is...

More and more I am learning what a complete control freak I am... don't get me wrong, I have always been aware of the fact that I am a bit controlling.. and demanding... and perhaps a little anal on certain matters (the first step is admitting you have a problem)!

I have been dealing with a few things in the past week. Firstly, I am seeing someone new.. (please hold while I take deep breaths into a brown paper bag).

You have to understand that this is a terrifying prospect for me - I am brought to my knees by all the things that go along with the prospect of a new relationship.  I have been so secure for the past 12 years - so convinced of the love I was receiving, that being in a place of uncertainty is proving rather taxing for me.  The constant need for balance between heart and head is exhausting.

Knowing who I am as a person, some of you probably know how much weight I place on listening to my instincts - my instincts have served me pretty well in the past - and when they fail me, Adam and Zel were always there to provide a safety net and help me through.  Times have changed though, Adam has moved out and Zel walked away.  To be honest, we kind of walked away from each other, but the deep places inside me that still feel her leaving find it easier to think that she walked away from me.  So, for the first time in 12 years I find myself truly on my own - and this fills me with the most crippling fear you can imagine.  At the same time however, it fills me with incredible excitement - who knows what the future holds???

I apologise... I digress...

Lets call her Kiwi...

Kiwi entered my life like a tropical storm.  The attraction (from my side) was instantaneous and undeniable.  We were both tied up elsewhere however, and we remained just friends.  Very recently this friendship has developed into more than just friends...

Now this is where my head and heart are in turmoil... so I will give you both..

My heart adores her.. She is like nothing I have ever known before.  I was warned against her... told to stay away from her... told she is trouble.. she will break my heart.. But she has never shown me any of these things.  Kiwi says all the right things... She tells me what my heart wants to hear... There are times when we are together that I feel so completely in tune with her it is frightening... Kiwi treats me like nobody else exists.. most of the time..

Then there is my head, or my instinct... call it what you will..

My instinct tells me over and over again that something is amiss.. That all is not as it should be.  If you ask me to pinpoint what my instincts are telling me I cannot... It is merely just a feeling at this point.  Sometimes she seems so far from me.. Like either her mind is completely in another place, or that she is not happy with me.. Something is troubling her.  Perhaps I am not who she thought I was... Perhaps she is learning I am not what she wants... I don't know.. All I know is it is making me crazy.. And when I talk to her about it she tells me I am imagining things.. that nothing is wrong... That there is nothing she is not telling me.. But still the voices speak on in my head.. telling me "caution"...

This has been making me crazy for a few days now... So today I spoke to Adam about it... he is the only voice of reason I have who I know without a doubt has my best interests at heart..   And Adam said something that has really struck a chord with me... He said, "It is what it is"!

And I think perhaps I need to trust in this.. Who knows, perhaps something is bugging her.. perhaps she is not as happy with me as I am with her... Either way, she is not opening up to me.. Perhaps I am just used to being around people who find it easy to express themselves... Perhaps she just needs time... I don't know..

So it is what it is... One day at a time.. me fretting about it will not help this situation.. all will be revealed when it is meant to be... So for now...

I have to try to let go of all my controlling ways...

It is what it is...