Tuesday, 15 May 2012

Cry Wolf It Was Not

If you were expecting something pretty with this post, then prepare to be disappointed..

She killed herself.. Took her own life...  She threatened to do it for so long and now she has done it.

The shock has been indescribable. 

I learned of her death in the early hours of Saturday morning, and I only now feel as if I am coming up for air for the first time.  My intense reaction to her death has left me stunned - we didn't get along, lets leave it at that...

In fact, many people didn't get along with her - and yet since her death they are coming out of the woodwork saying how much they will miss her etc etc..  And this infuriates me!

None of us were there for her when she cried for help..  And I am carrying a burden of guilt for this.  You see she had cried wolf so many times and I had dashed to save her.. I came to distrust her cry for help.  How sad is that?  I didn't think she would really do it.. I thought it was just to get attention... and now she is gone..

I am struggling immensely with my guilt..  But that doesn't mean that I will all of a sudden start spewing lies about how she was my best friend, or how we were bosom buddies.

I am, however, choosing to remember the person I first met.. the one who made me laugh.. and who dropped everything to come and visit me one evening because I was down... that is the woman I will remember.

Your death has had a profound impact on my life and I am implementing changes so I am once again able to like the person in the mirror - your passing has brought change for the better to who I am.. Thank you for that.

I pray that you are at peace and can now, at last, rest easy.

The sharp knife of a short life

So many thoughts... So much reality.. So much truth..