It has been 12 years since I have lived alone - It's a third of my life.
I have never understood how people can say that they are lonely - especially women who are just coming out of divorce. I have always thought stop being so ridiculous, there are plenty of places to meet people and to increase your circle of friends - you just have to get out there and make an effort - now that I am in the same situation, I understand how difficult it really is.
It is not that I don't have friends, or people to spend the day with, it's just that the loneliness is present even when I am surrounded by people. It is something that sits deep inside me and is continuously there - even when I have family or friends right in front of me.
There is a hole inside me that seems to be growing...
There is still no doubt in my mind that I have chosen the right path for me, and yet this feeling of disappearing, of not really being alive is gnawing away at my soul. I have met some truly amazing people in the past couple of weeks - people who I know if I gave them a call now and said, "lets do something today", most of them would make the effort to spend time with me - and yet the emptiness still grows.
It is becoming a bit of a vicious circle - the more the emptiness grows, the less I want to go out and be around people. And the less I go out and be around people the more the emptiness grows. It is growing at such an alarming rate right now that I am beginning to wonder if I am not suffering with a bit of depression?
This thought seems absolutely ridiculous and plausible at the same time. It seems ridiculous because I am in a space in my life where I have never been happier with who I am and the choices I have made, and yet it seems plausible because I am finding it more and more difficult to get out of bed in the mornings. Every night when I go to bed I tell myself that tomorrow will be different.. tomorrow I am going to do something fun with the boys, or invite friends round, or take the boys to visit family. And yet every morning when the sun rises all I really want to do is stay in bed and watch the day pass through my window.
Some days when the boys are not here, I just lay on the bed for hours and stare out the window... Literally hours can pass without me realising that time is moving on...
I know that it will take time.. and I know I need to take it one day at a time... but there are old friendships that I miss very much right now.. there is something about old friendships that is very comforting at times like this...
Having said that, there are a couple of friends (some very new) who are a constant source of positive energy and light to me right now.. Debbi, Les, Tray, Lynn, Trace, Cat, and especially Blom... You guys are worth more to me than you know.. thank you for always looking out for me