Yesterday turned out to be a very difficult day for me.
I knew that when I posted in the guest blog about self esteem there would be consequences; I also knew that there would be people who would not want me to post the things that I did, but I chose to write and express those thoughts because they are my truth.. and a truth that I have been hiding for so long and it is time to set it free, both from the insanity in my brain and to just stand up and be counted.. it was time..
(I know you cannot see this for the writing will just flow as you read it, but I am sitting at my desk now at 03:46 trying to formulate the words that need to be written.. but also attempting to verbalise them in a way that will be less harmful to others).
This post may be a little disjointed.. but I will try to pull it together at the end.. I beg your indulgence...
One of the questions that has plagued me for years is, "Was it as bad as I remember it.. or has my brain made adjustments over time due to my constant rehashing of the memories?"
DrKakka has answered this question for me in the past months.. He put it like this:
It does not matter whether my story is worse or less than someone elses. It does not matter whether someone else suffered fewer consequences due to more severe trauma. It does not matter if the memories have become distorted over time. It does not matter if other people think I am creating a storm in a tea-cup. It does not matter if there are people out there who could have dealt with the trauma I experienced without the need for therapy. None of this matters.. The only thing that matters is that the trauma to me was severe enough, for me, that it is still affecting my daily life.. that I am still traumatised by it, and that I am AGAIN seeking counselling to come to terms with it.. Other peoples perception of my trauma matters not.. only my truth surrounding these events matters in my recovery.
And it is only since he explained it to me in that way that I have stopped feeling guilty for not being able to come to terms with it... that is.. until yesterday...
Yesterday the following sentence was written by a third party who only knows of my trauma through word of mouth after the fact: "but it's the truth that most people tend to ignore and focus on their own version to try and find comfort..."
And this is where I get angry... very angry.. and this is what has kept me from sleep tonight.. Now, granted, I may be interpreting this sentence incorrectly, and it may mean something completely different.. but every time I read it I feel "The Bitch" prowling the recesses of my mind... I feel the rage building.. and I know that I need to give her voice.. she was silenced for long enough...
"find comfort"??? You really think that any part of what I am admitting to brings me comfort??? It was the worst experience of my life. It has shaped and distorted all my relationships since then. It erodes my self esteem. It keeps me from trusting everyone and anyone who comes into my world. It has made me cynical and aggressive to so many people who are only trying to help. It has confused me and bashed at my confidence in myself and my abilities for 30 years.. and yet you say that I am trying to find comfort???
There is no comfort in this.. the only comfort I will find is when I finally spit it all out.. let it all go.. and know that it will no longer define who I am..
And as for ignoring the truth... Two people can experience the same story.. and yet have very different truths.. it does not make their truth any less valid..
Let me paint you a picture...
Player A plays the best game of her life... She is on form.. she is strong .. and she is accurate..
Player B has the worst game of her life... Her form is completely off.. she is weak.. and her shots miss their target completely..
It is a walk over.. Player B is defeated so soundly that she refuses to play again..
Both parties experienced truth in this game... but their truths are completely different..
And so I will continue to speak my truth.. I will continue to heal myself.. for my sake as well as for the people closest to me.. I will not be silenced.. and I will not allow ignorance of my truth to make my reality any less valid...