Let It Rise

They tell me to write about happy events.. happy thoughts …. To put positive things on paper.. they do not understand my writing.

For some reason I struggle to write if I am not in pain.. my writing is born of my pain.. the bad days give rise to the longing inside me to express myself – very rarely do the words flow on the good days.

Asking me to write inspirational pieces is like asking Stephen King to write trashy love stories… His writing comes from darkness.. mine too.

Tonight the pain is rising .. like the tide.. inevitable…it is a living pulsing thing inside of me.. tonight the pain wants a voice.

When we were children, Angie had a doll that went everywhere with her – at 37 she still has this doll and guards it protectively like a child. The doll has a hard head and hands, but the rest of her is made merely of cloth and foam stuffing. Because this doll is so dearly loved and treasured, she often looked a bit shop worn and tattered due to the constant intense handling. Every so often Granny would recover the doll for Angie, giving her a new lease on life – or so I have always believed…

Tonight I know the truth – the doll was covered, not to give her a fresh start, but rather to hide the worn and battered appearance underneath.

I am the doll.

I have been covering myself in layers of new and shiny things. Believing that I was starting afresh… that the new covering would take away the ugliness that lurks beneath.

But the ugliness remains.. Tonight the new and shiny coverings cannot hold back what went before. It seeps through the new layers to the surface.

I feel the darkness coming down around me.. closing me in .. shutting you out..you are still here, but I will The Nothing to cover you completely.. so that even though you are here and you can see me, it will hide you from me.. to remove from my gaze the vision that causes such deep pain.. such a longing inside me that it slowly corrodes any goodness that may remain.

Tonight The Nothing is welcome.. I am willingly allowing it in .. waiting for it to shut everything else out..

Let there be nothing

It Does Get Better

This is a song that is very close to my heart...

Dating: Men vs Women Part 2

This is the follow up to this post...

Before I begin, let me just say that Part 1 caused quite a stir with some of the LESBIANS in my world.  What I find interesting, is that none of them posted comments on the blog, but rather spoke to me in private.  And a couple of them were rather vocal about my opinions - so listen up Lesbo's:  The opinions voiced in this blog are simply that... opinions... they are my opinions based on my (grantedly small) experience of the LESBIAN world.

Secondly, you will have noticed that each time I type the word LESBIAN, it is in pink.. and in caps... and this is because I have also taken flack from all the GSL's for using the word LESBIAN.  Apparently it is very uncool to use the word LESBIAN... I should be saying gay woman... My response to this is.. blah blah blah.. get over yourselves... I am a LESBIAN.. you are a LESBIAN... own it biatch!

Right... moving swiftly along...

Another of the major differences between dating men vs dating women is the drama - OMG the drama!

Men are rather simple folk really - there are only a couple of things you need to do to keep them happy.  Men want the 3 F's: Feed, F*{^K and Focus (on them) - if you keep these three things in a positive space, men are generally happy.

Women are completely different... they need the whole alphabet... Don't believe me?  Watch this:
A - Accept
B - Back up
C - Compassion
D - Dazzle
E - Eager Beaver
F - Facilitate (the Eager Beaver)
G - Gimme
H - Honesty
I - Independence
J - Jealousy
K - Karma
L - LESBIAN
M - Mammary
N - Negotiate
O - Orgasm
P - Pick up
Q - Quagmire
R - Respect
S - Sensual
T - Tits
U - Ubiquitous
V - Vagina
W - Waxed
X - X - Rated
Y - Yummy
Z - Zonked

With women there are so many things you have to take into consideration... things that really don't matter to men.  For example if you don't say good morning to your boyfriend every day, it is not seen as a big deal.. With women all hell breaks loose if you don't say good morning or goodnight to them - they will assume that there is something fundamentally wrong with the relationship... or you are cheating.

If you have an argument, even over the smallest little thing, men really don't care.  They fight, they yell, they have their say and then they move on.  With women it is the end of the world as we know it!  There is either something fundamentally wrong with the relationship... or you are cheating.

If you do not orgasm during sex with a man, his ego will be bruised very briefly, until he convinces himself that there must be something wrong with you as his Perfect Penis is a masterpiece.  With women, there is either something fundamentally wrong with the relationship, or you are cheating.

If you go out for drinks with the girls, your boyfriend will probably be happy that he gets a night off from entertaining you.  With women, if you take a night off from seeing her and go out with the girls, there is either something fundamentally wrong with the relationship... or you are cheating.

If you don't pick up the phone every time they call - there is something fundamentally wrong with the relationship... or you are cheating.

If you change your hair drastically - there is something fundamentally wrong with the relationship, or you are cheating...

Are you getting the idea?

The point is nothing is simple when dating a woman.  Everything must be analysed, reanalysed and over thunk enough to make even Einsteins head spin..

And now my head is spinning... Part 3 another day.