Thursday, 6 December 2012
Saturday, 24 November 2012
Where to from here is anyone's guess...
The stalker saga really frightened the life out of me... scared me away from my blog... It has been a long hard journey standing in my truth.. I have stumbled, fallen and scraped my hands and knees more often than I like to admit.. but I am still here...
I began a different path after Gen's passing. I have tried to look more objectively within myself, to find not only truth, but motive.. I have written about this before.. For most of my life I have been plagued by the question "Does that make me a good person?". People say I am a good person because I try to do the right things... but if my motives are not pure of any manipulation, then surely I am not a good person, but merely playing a role?
Anyway... back to motives...
Since Gen's death, I have searched many avenues to find a mantra or "life message" that I can believe in... Recently I found one.. And I think it has been a true and solid path.. It is sometimes incredibly difficult to follow, but is proving worth it at the end of each "obstacle".
Tonight I am struggling with my most difficult challenge to date since adopting this code... Tonight I struggle to act without ego... My ego is proving stronger than my emotional intelligence..
To act without ego is the goal... and tonight I am a blind striker.. and missing by miles..
Tomorrow is a new day...
Tomorrow I will try again..
Tomorrow I begin with a fresh and full portion of faith in humanity...
Tuesday, 15 May 2012
If you were expecting something pretty with this post, then prepare to be disappointed..
She killed herself.. Took her own life... She threatened to do it for so long and now she has done it.
The shock has been indescribable.
I learned of her death in the early hours of Saturday morning, and I only now feel as if I am coming up for air for the first time. My intense reaction to her death has left me stunned - we didn't get along, lets leave it at that...
In fact, many people didn't get along with her - and yet since her death they are coming out of the woodwork saying how much they will miss her etc etc.. And this infuriates me!
None of us were there for her when she cried for help.. And I am carrying a burden of guilt for this. You see she had cried wolf so many times and I had dashed to save her.. I came to distrust her cry for help. How sad is that? I didn't think she would really do it.. I thought it was just to get attention... and now she is gone..
I am struggling immensely with my guilt.. But that doesn't mean that I will all of a sudden start spewing lies about how she was my best friend, or how we were bosom buddies.
I am, however, choosing to remember the person I first met.. the one who made me laugh.. and who dropped everything to come and visit me one evening because I was down... that is the woman I will remember.
Your death has had a profound impact on my life and I am implementing changes so I am once again able to like the person in the mirror - your passing has brought change for the better to who I am.. Thank you for that.
I pray that you are at peace and can now, at last, rest easy.