Tuesday, 29 March 2011

Bad complete, ugly complete and now for the good...

So the last two (thoughts) posts were about my bad points.. I thought perhaps it was time to focus on something good..

So I took this test on Strengthfinder.com, which is designed to find your strengths.. and it spews out your top 5 in order of intensity.. I have to say that I do see myself here.. and it is nice to look at something good for a change..

Also.. I saw DrKakka today... and we spoke about a sensitive topic.. and then he said something that clicked in my head.. I literally heard my brain changing.. so watch this space.. I will blog it tomorrow..


You can sense the emotions of those around you. You can feel what they are feeling as though their feelings are your own. Intuitively, you are able to see the world through their eyes and share their perspective. You do not necessarily agree with each person’s perspective. You do not necessarily feel pity for each person’s predicament—this would be sympathy, not Empathy. You do not necessarily condone the choices each person makes, but you do understand. This instinctive ability to understand is powerful. You hear the unvoiced questions. You anticipate the need. Where others grapple for words, you seem to find the right words and the right tone. You help people find the right phrases to express their feelings—to themselves as well as to others. You help them give voice to their emotional life. For all these reasons other people are drawn to you.


“When can we start?” This is a recurring question in your life. You are impatient for action. You may concede that analysis has its uses or that debate and discussion can occasionally yield some valuable insights, but deep down you know that only action is real. Only action can make things happen. Only action leads to performance. Once a decision is made, you cannot not act. Others may worry that “there are still some things we don’t know,” but this doesn’t seem to slow you. If the decision has been made to go across town, you know that the fastest way to get there is to go stoplight to stoplight. You are not going to sit around waiting until all the lights have turned green. Besides, in your view, action and thinking are not opposites. In fact, guided by your Activator theme, you believe that action is the best device for learning. You make a decision, you take action, you look at the result, and you learn. This learning informs your next action and your next. How can you grow if you have nothing to react to? Well, you believe you can’t. You must put yourself out there. You must take the next step. It is the only way to keep your thinking fresh and informed. The bottom line is this: You know you will be judged not by what you say, not by what you think, but by what you get done. This does not frighten you. It pleases you.


Command leads you to take charge. Unlike some people, you feel no discomfort with imposing your views on others. On the contrary, once your opinion is formed, you need to share it with others. Once your goal is set, you feel restless until you have aligned others with you. You are not frightened by confrontation; rather, you know that confrontation is the first step toward resolution. Whereas others may avoid facing up to life’s unpleasantness, you feel compelled to present the facts or the truth, no matter how unpleasant it may be. You need things to be clear between people and challenge them to be clear-eyed and honest. You push them to take risks. You may even intimidate them. And while some may resent this, labeling you opinionated, they often willingly hand you the reins. People are drawn toward those who take a stance and ask them to move in a certain direction. Therefore, people will be drawn to you. You have presence. You have Command.


You like to explain, to describe, to host, to speak in public, and to write. This is your Communication theme at work. Ideas are a dry beginning. Events are static. You feel a need to bring them to life, to energize them, to make them exciting and vivid. And so you turn events into stories and practice telling them. You take the dry idea and enliven it with images and examples and metaphors. You believe that most people have a very short attention span. They are bombarded by information, but very little of it survives. You want your information—whether an idea, an event, a product’s features and benefits, a discovery, or a lesson—to survive. You want to divert their attention toward you and then capture it, lock it in. This is what drives your hunt for the perfect phrase. This is what draws you toward dramatic words and powerful word combinations. This is why people like to listen to you. Your word pictures pique their interest, sharpen their world, and inspire them to act.


You are careful. You are vigilant. You are a private person. You know that the world is an unpredictable place. Everything may seem in order, but beneath the surface you sense the many risks. Rather than denying these risks, you draw each one out into the open. Then each risk can be identified, assessed, and ultimately reduced. Thus, you are a fairly serious person who approaches life with a certain reserve. For example, you like to plan ahead so as to anticipate what might go wrong. You select your friends cautiously and keep your own counsel when the conversation turns to personal matters. You are careful not to give too much praise and recognition, lest it be misconstrued. If some people don’t like you because you are not as effusive as others, then so be it. For you, life is not a popularity contest. Life is something of a minefield. Others can run through it recklessly if they so choose, but you take a different approach. You identify the dangers, weigh their relative impact, and then place your feet deliberately. You walk with care.

Monday, 28 March 2011

Flash Republic - Twister

I love this song...No matter what mood I am in, or what is happening, if I hear this song I just have to get up and shake my tail feathers!

Thursday, 24 March 2011

4 Days, 8 Hours, 42 Minutes and 12 Seconds

On Sunday morning, Justice (our ever-entertaining gardener) hit a water pipe outside our house - I would like it noted for the record please that this is not the first time he has hit this pipe!

I immediately got on the phone and called our local municipality.. well.. I say immediately, but it took me about 30 minutes to get them to answer.. When they finally answered, the lady on the other end was very helpful.. she gave me a reference number and promised me that someone would come round to fix it asap..  I felt very hopeful .. and optimistic that it would be fixed within a few hours..

1 hour
2 hours
3 hours..


On Monday morning I called again.. and gave them (in my most professional voice) my reference number and asked for an update..  I was told that we were in the queue and they would get to it before the end of the day.

On Monday evening I was told the same thing..

What you need to understand is that we had to switch the water off to our property...So.. two small boys, on big boy, 3 dogs, a cat and little old me.. with no water for days... grrr

On Tuesday morning I called and by now I am a little agitated... and I am told in a less than friendly voice that we are at a priority 3 level and it will probably only be fixed when we reach priority 1.

On Tuesday evening I call again and get the same response..

On Wednesday morning I call and throw my toys out of the cot.. huffing.. puffing.. and generally threatening them with all kinds of media coverage and exposure..

By Wednesday evening I am positively spitting mad.. Then I get a call from Linda (my mother-in-law's sister) and she very kindly gives me the mobile number and name of our local councillor.

I called him at 17:30 - and let him have it!  At 17:40 he calls me back to say that if it has not been fixed by 19:00 I should call him back.  At 18:15 he arrives at my house and 5 minutes later the repair team arrive..

Our water is now sorted and working perfectly again..

Just goes to show.. that old saying, "its not what you know, but who you know" really is true..

Saturday, 19 March 2011

Make more babies for the revolution!

So I know that I have added a cartoon about this.. because on one hand it is so very funny and ridiculous.  However, it is also incredibly sad.. and insane.

Julius.. ahhh Julius.. you are seriously losing your mind..

And yes.. just in case you are wondering.. this is no joke.. Julius was quoted as saying that black women should have more babies for the revolution!  Hold up a second.. I thought the revolution has already done what it was meant to do.. We have freedom for all in South Africa.. Everyone created equal.. so who is he trying to revolt against now?

Are there not enough orphaned and starving children in our country?

Enough said..

Wednesday, 16 March 2011

Who Do I Want To Be?

So this is part 2 of my assignment for DrKakka for this week... If you have not read part 1, please click here

So part 2 comes about because I am meant to look forward.  In part 1 I was reflective, looking back.. trying to figure out how I got here.  Am I who I am because of the things that happened in my life, or did those things happen because of who I am?

Now he wants me to write about who I want to be.. In an ideal world, who would I choose to be..  While this may sound easy, it is actually a very difficult and complicated task for me - not withstanding the fact that my mind is empty and I am struggling to form this post...

Firstly, I want to be good.. but what does good mean?  Is it different for everyone?  Does it change according to one's own moral compass?  I think it does, so I am going to write this piece about my opinion of goodness, which does not necessarily reflect goodness in its true form.

How do you even start with something like this?  I keep trying to find the words.. normally they flow.. and I have wasted half a page on drivel.. I thought it would help me start.. but there is nothing.. my mind is blank and my head is empty... arrrgggggghhhhhh... help.. make the words come..


Ok.. I have a plan.. See the reason I have been stumbling is because I have been trying to formulate the words in a specific order... the character traits in an order of importance.. and I have failed.. So.. I have decided to write as the words come and in no particular order.

Firstly, I would like to make decisions in my life based on truth and not based on fear.  I want to make choices that are right rather than choices that are safe.  I want to come from a place of strength.

How do I achieve this?  The most important thing I think is that I need to know who I am, and not only who I am, but accept the good, the bad and the ugly about myself.

I want to be honest.  I want to stop being frightened of people not liking me - as this leads me to be manipulative instead of honest.

I want to be responsible.  I want to place more value in delayed gratification as apposed to instant gratification.  This means I want to be less impulsive.  I am extremely impulsive, I make decisions based on emotion of the here and now rather than on long term scenarios.

I want to be compatible with life.  What I mean is, I want to be in harmony with my life and those around me.  Fight less love more.

Loyalty.  I want to be loyal to those I love.  I want to make choices based on my love and loyalty for them rather than my impulsive nature.

I want to trust  - this is a huge one for me.. I don't trust anyone... not completely anyway.  It is a terrible thing to admit - and must be very difficult for those I love most.. Even Adam, who has been part of my intimate world for longer than anyone else - I still have trust issues with him.  I know where they come from, and why they are here, but this does not make it any easier.

I want to have faith in myself - I want to stop doubting every thought in my head and start believing in my abilities.  Even when I make a sound decision I question it.. and then question that decision too..

I want to be more than a good enough mother..and this is an area I feel loads of guilt in, as I know many mothers do.. Its difficult to know sometimes whether you are doing the right thing or not.. And I know we are all going to make mistakes...but hopefully they are only small ones..

I have been trying to complete this post for two days.. but it has been like pulling teeth.. very painful..


End of Part 2

Monday, 14 March 2011

On days like today

Missing you so much today.. will the wound ever heal?

Wednesday, 9 March 2011

Who am I?

Writer's Block - not entirely true..

I do have a post going round and round in my head.. the words driving me crazy.. making noise in the quiet moments of my life.. I know I must release them or they will just get louder and louder.  However, as with so many of these types of posts of mine, I have been unsure as to whether I should keep it to myself or subject the world to more of my insanity.. And then I remembered what DrKakka said yesterday when he gave me this assignment.. He said, "Not only should you write about it, but you should blog about it".  He is of the opinion that it would be interesting to not only see if I get any comments, but also to see what the comments are.  He has asked me to print any comments and bring them to our next "Brain Picking" session...

So here goes..

Firstly, the assignment is this:  Write a fleshed out piece on who I want to be.  This is not to do with career or opportunities, but rather to do with my character.  As most of my regular readers must be aware by now, I am struggling...desperately with my character.  Who I am... whether I like this person or not.. and whether I see myself in truth or through a "broken mirror".

That is the task he set.. and here is my response..

DrKakka told me a story yesterday..He said..

"I had a woman come to see me a few years ago.  She was desperately afraid of her abusive ex-husband.  When I asked her if they are still married and if he still lives in the same house, her response astounded me.  She said, "no, he died 2.5 years ago"."

He let this sink in.. he said nothing to me.. he waited for me to respond.

I said, "That is insane.  How can she be afraid of someone who is no longer alive?"

He said, "Kerren.. Don't you see, your fear is the same thing.  The thing you are afraid of is not dead, but your fear is based on the same principle.  The rest of the world can see that you are no longer in danger, and yet you are so deeply inside of this thing that you cannot see it.

While I see the point he was trying to make, it holds no ground with me.  My situation is different.  I am no longer afraid of the thing itself, but rather of "imprint" it left on my character.. on my soul.. The way it shaped who I am today.. Not only that, I am afraid that this "thing" may have been right.. Perhaps it is not the horror in my past that shaped who I am, but rather the horror exists because of who I am...This thought terrifies me.. gives me nightmares... It keeps me locked in an eternal vacuum of doubt..

Don't you see what it means?  It means that if I was not me, if I was different in character, soul and personality then the horror would never have come to my life.  It means that because of who I am.. because of the very nature of my being.. the person I was born to be... I deserved the horror.

Had I been born less flighty in character.. or loud in personality.. or absent minded by nature, I would not deserve the horror.  Which means that the horror is my fault.. that it lives inside of me... that I was not necessarily wronged because it was only due to my lack of "being better" that this thing came about.

If only I was better
better behaved
loving of heart
purer of soul
If I would just think more
be proactive
do what I know I must
work harder

If only I was better then it would not have happened..

I have sat here for 10 minutes trying to decide whether to include the next paragraph or not.. If I do include it, will you see it for what it is, or will it just make my insanity look more pathetic?  But truth is not truth without full disclosure..

I know that this post may seem a little like a cry for attention.. I get that.. I would probably think it was if I saw it on someone else's blog.. But trust me when I say that these are very real questions for me.. and not based on any need to hear people tell me I am fabulous - for even when they do I do not believe it.  These questions are very real for me.. and based so deeply inside of me that it has taken me 35 years on this planet to be able to tell the world about them...

End of Part 1

Tuesday, 8 March 2011

The words wont come...

I have writer's block... grrr.. I hate it... I have absolutely nothing to write about...

Any ideas?  Anything you would like to see me write about?

Come on.. let me have it.. anything you like...

Friday, 4 March 2011

Round and round I go...

It is 03:40am and I cannot sleep.. Normally I would blog now..  The house is quiet.. everyone (in their right minds) is asleep.. and it is easy to type..

However, I am still struggling with the effects of the concussion.. and sitting at the pc typing makes me feel sea-sick..

So I apologise for my silence.. but I am sure I will be typing up a storm come next week..

Wednesday, 2 March 2011

Shake, Rattle and Roll!

On Saturday evening Adam and I were in my car, we had gone out for dinner.  We were out in the country, on a very dark road..  As you guessed by now, we had an accident.. One minute I was doing something with my phone and the next I heard Adam swear loudly.. then we were flying.. then the world was upside down.. I remember thinking abut the noise in my ears..and then it occurred to me that it was a combination of breaking glass and me screaming.. It happened so quickly.. and so slowly.

We are both ok.. We walked away from it, which I think is a great testament to my car - I have always loved my car, but I now have a new level of respect for the Honda Jazz.  She was put under extreme stress and she held together like a champ.  Neither one of us was seriously injured and the car could look a whole lot worse...She has my undying devotion for protecting us...

 We are both astounded that this was the only damage to the rim.. it hit the pavement pretty hard.

 Yes.. my front tyres are no longer where they should be...

 From this angle you can see how skew the car is.. you can see that the passenger side roof is dented in and the drivers side is popped out..

 Poor baby.. so broken...

 This is the photo that really gets me.. you can see how hard we hit on the roof just above the window..

So I have concussion.. and it will take a few days to pass.. and sitting at the pc makes me feel nauseous.. so I am going to stop now.. will be back in a bit...