Wednesday, 9 March 2011

Who am I?

Writer's Block - not entirely true..

I do have a post going round and round in my head.. the words driving me crazy.. making noise in the quiet moments of my life.. I know I must release them or they will just get louder and louder.  However, as with so many of these types of posts of mine, I have been unsure as to whether I should keep it to myself or subject the world to more of my insanity.. And then I remembered what DrKakka said yesterday when he gave me this assignment.. He said, "Not only should you write about it, but you should blog about it".  He is of the opinion that it would be interesting to not only see if I get any comments, but also to see what the comments are.  He has asked me to print any comments and bring them to our next "Brain Picking" session...

So here goes..

Firstly, the assignment is this:  Write a fleshed out piece on who I want to be.  This is not to do with career or opportunities, but rather to do with my character.  As most of my regular readers must be aware by now, I am struggling...desperately with my character.  Who I am... whether I like this person or not.. and whether I see myself in truth or through a "broken mirror".

That is the task he set.. and here is my response..

DrKakka told me a story yesterday..He said..

"I had a woman come to see me a few years ago.  She was desperately afraid of her abusive ex-husband.  When I asked her if they are still married and if he still lives in the same house, her response astounded me.  She said, "no, he died 2.5 years ago"."

He let this sink in.. he said nothing to me.. he waited for me to respond.

I said, "That is insane.  How can she be afraid of someone who is no longer alive?"

He said, "Kerren.. Don't you see, your fear is the same thing.  The thing you are afraid of is not dead, but your fear is based on the same principle.  The rest of the world can see that you are no longer in danger, and yet you are so deeply inside of this thing that you cannot see it.

While I see the point he was trying to make, it holds no ground with me.  My situation is different.  I am no longer afraid of the thing itself, but rather of "imprint" it left on my character.. on my soul.. The way it shaped who I am today.. Not only that, I am afraid that this "thing" may have been right.. Perhaps it is not the horror in my past that shaped who I am, but rather the horror exists because of who I am...This thought terrifies me.. gives me nightmares... It keeps me locked in an eternal vacuum of doubt..

Don't you see what it means?  It means that if I was not me, if I was different in character, soul and personality then the horror would never have come to my life.  It means that because of who I am.. because of the very nature of my being.. the person I was born to be... I deserved the horror.

Had I been born less flighty in character.. or loud in personality.. or absent minded by nature, I would not deserve the horror.  Which means that the horror is my fault.. that it lives inside of me... that I was not necessarily wronged because it was only due to my lack of "being better" that this thing came about.

If only I was better
stronger
better behaved
loving of heart
purer of soul
If I would just think more
be proactive
do what I know I must
work harder

If only I was better then it would not have happened..

I have sat here for 10 minutes trying to decide whether to include the next paragraph or not.. If I do include it, will you see it for what it is, or will it just make my insanity look more pathetic?  But truth is not truth without full disclosure..

I know that this post may seem a little like a cry for attention.. I get that.. I would probably think it was if I saw it on someone else's blog.. But trust me when I say that these are very real questions for me.. and not based on any need to hear people tell me I am fabulous - for even when they do I do not believe it.  These questions are very real for me.. and based so deeply inside of me that it has taken me 35 years on this planet to be able to tell the world about them...

End of Part 1

5 comments:

Out there said...

Hi Kerren,

For a long time, I believed that all the bad things that happened to me must have happened because I was not a 'good enough' person.
It dealt my self esteem an enormous blow & trapped me in a relationship that was not only unhealthy, but perpetuated my feeling of unworthiness.

If I believed in reincarnation,I could say that perhaps your past was a result of a lesson that needed learning.

If I looked at things another way, I could hold to the belief that like attracts like and that you must have in some way deserved what happened to you.

But honestly... I think that both of those theories are rubbish.

Bad things happen to good people and likewise, good things happen to bad people.
Kids die from Cancer and Murderers win the lottery.

We do not choose (as far as I know) the circumstance we will be born into or how our life will unfold.
What we do choose - as we grow older - is how we are going to react to those things that were beyond our control at one time.
Are we going to accept our lot, or are we going to take our starting point and move forward from there...

We can choose to take steps that empower us to move beyond the walls our past has trapped us in.
We can chip away at the "truths" until we find our own truth.
We can decide every morning when we open our eyes that we will not allow the darkness within to escape.
We can open our hearts to let in the light.

I may not always like myself and there are things in my past I would love to forget...
But here's the thing - if I forget those things, I would lose a part of who I am today the bad things in my life helped to mould my character & gave me experience that allows me to understand what others are going through.
I have to learn (it is an ongoing project) to embrace my life for what it is, the good, the bad & the ugly.
I store the good for future use, and in the bad & ugly, I look for life lessons that can help me grow.
Sometimes (just sometimes) I get it right.

Ninnles said...

Hey Kerren, Out there is right on the money! No way Jose could you have deserved it. Sometimes I find stepping away from my situation and looking at like I were stranger watching it happen gives me some perspective. I can't anything anything else to what Out There has said. I'm not going to tell you to look around you and feel the love you are surrounded by cos I know you know it is there. Just keep on keeping on my friend. Believe you deserve the blessings you have, well, just because you do.

Husband said...

The things i would write in response we have spoken about already and therefore do not belong here.

What i do know is you are capable and deserving of finding your way out of this hole you find yourself in.It will take time and effort but the rewards will be great.

Trust (Yea i know) in yourself.

ICMozzy said...

It is so easy to love other people. To see their good and believe in both their innocence and worthiness, but it is when we sit in our silence with nothing but our own reflection, that the real challenge becomes a reality – It takes a very brave soul to travel this path and many choose not to, so you have much to be proud of. I am very happy that you have Dr. Feelgood to guide you in your journey and such a loving family. As your friend, I need you to know that I will always be here for you.

YourNextStreetNeighbour said...

No person, no matter what type of person they are 'deserves' these horrors.
I do believe that we are not dealt anything we can't handle. In a way it is comforting to know that we are all strong enough, whether it take a lifetime or a few days to get through life trials, we all have it in ourselves.