I do have a post going round and round in my head.. the words driving me crazy.. making noise in the quiet moments of my life.. I know I must release them or they will just get louder and louder. However, as with so many of these types of posts of mine, I have been unsure as to whether I should keep it to myself or subject the world to more of my insanity.. And then I remembered what DrKakka said yesterday when he gave me this assignment.. He said, "Not only should you write about it, but you should blog about it". He is of the opinion that it would be interesting to not only see if I get any comments, but also to see what the comments are. He has asked me to print any comments and bring them to our next "Brain Picking" session...
So here goes..
Firstly, the assignment is this: Write a fleshed out piece on who I want to be. This is not to do with career or opportunities, but rather to do with my character. As most of my regular readers must be aware by now, I am struggling...desperately with my character. Who I am... whether I like this person or not.. and whether I see myself in truth or through a "broken mirror".
That is the task he set.. and here is my response..
DrKakka told me a story yesterday..He said..
"I had a woman come to see me a few years ago. She was desperately afraid of her abusive ex-husband. When I asked her if they are still married and if he still lives in the same house, her response astounded me. She said, "no, he died 2.5 years ago"."
He let this sink in.. he said nothing to me.. he waited for me to respond.
I said, "That is insane. How can she be afraid of someone who is no longer alive?"
He said, "Kerren.. Don't you see, your fear is the same thing. The thing you are afraid of is not dead, but your fear is based on the same principle. The rest of the world can see that you are no longer in danger, and yet you are so deeply inside of this thing that you cannot see it.
While I see the point he was trying to make, it holds no ground with me. My situation is different. I am no longer afraid of the thing itself, but rather of "imprint" it left on my character.. on my soul.. The way it shaped who I am today.. Not only that, I am afraid that this "thing" may have been right.. Perhaps it is not the horror in my past that shaped who I am, but rather the horror exists because of who I am...This thought terrifies me.. gives me nightmares... It keeps me locked in an eternal vacuum of doubt..
Don't you see what it means? It means that if I was not me, if I was different in character, soul and personality then the horror would never have come to my life. It means that because of who I am.. because of the very nature of my being.. the person I was born to be... I deserved the horror.
Had I been born less flighty in character.. or loud in personality.. or absent minded by nature, I would not deserve the horror. Which means that the horror is my fault.. that it lives inside of me... that I was not necessarily wronged because it was only due to my lack of "being better" that this thing came about.
If only I was better
loving of heart
purer of soul
If I would just think more
do what I know I must
If only I was better then it would not have happened..
I have sat here for 10 minutes trying to decide whether to include the next paragraph or not.. If I do include it, will you see it for what it is, or will it just make my insanity look more pathetic? But truth is not truth without full disclosure..
I know that this post may seem a little like a cry for attention.. I get that.. I would probably think it was if I saw it on someone else's blog.. But trust me when I say that these are very real questions for me.. and not based on any need to hear people tell me I am fabulous - for even when they do I do not believe it. These questions are very real for me.. and based so deeply inside of me that it has taken me 35 years on this planet to be able to tell the world about them...
End of Part 1