Monday, 5 March 2012

Top 10 Tips - from Lesbians to straight men

WARNING:  This post contains language and terminology that sensitive readers may find offensive.  Discretion is advised.

This post has been a long time coming.. but I am finally at the point where I think that a certain "group" in society really need a little help in looking less like idiots... so here goes:

This list is my Top 10 things straight guys should avoid saying to LESBIANS and why they should be avoided.

1.  I am also a LESBIAN

Dude, while you may think this a hilarious way to break the ice with a LESBIAN, I can assure you that we find it rather annoying.  Firstly, it is a sin against nature for anything with a penis to call themselves a LESBIAN.  Secondly, it may have been funny the first time we heard it, but after the 6000th time it is just rather a yawn for us, and we pretty much know every straight guy on the planet is going to say it to us at one point or another.

2.  How can you call it sex without a penis/penetration?

This one makes me want to slap you on the forehead just to see how quick your reflexes are!!!  Dumbass!!!  Just because there is no penis, does not mean there is no penetration, and any man who is stupid enough to ask this question is mocked and laughed at by LESBIANS everywhere... because it is thinking like this that makes it so much easier for us to lure your sisters into our beds..  No wonder there are so many un-satisfied straight chicks in the world, when so many straight men believe sex is about penetration.

3.  You just have not had the right penis yet

OMG.. this one never fails to get the response of my jaw dropping on the ground.  This happens sooooooo many times.  I will be in a pub and some guy is hitting on me.  Usually I will try to dissuade him gently, however, if the message is not getting through, I will usually respond with "Honey, you are just not my type, but if you introduce me to your sister..."  It is around this point that it dawns on him that I am gay.. and 9 times out of 10 they will then make the comment that no woman is truly gay, we just have not had the right penis yet... implying that I should try their fabulous specimen.  And it is usually around this point in the conversation that I ask him to picture himself having sex with the barman, and as the would be suitor gags on the thought, I point out that I feel pretty much the same at the thought of having sex with the barman.

4.  Who is the man in the relationship?

There is no man in the relationship dumbass... that is the whole point!  Now, granted, it may look to you like one woman is dominant in the relationship, but just because one of the women does not wear dresses and make-up, does not make her the dominant partner, it is just her personal choice when it comes to her appearance.  This does not however always roll-over in to the bedroom.  Have you never heard the term "butch in the streets and femme in the sheets?"  If not, I would be happy to explain it to you.

5.  Can I join in?

I know this may come as a shock to you, but if we wanted a man to join in our sexual escapades, we would pick one of any number of salivating gentlemen.  Also, if we wanted a man in our bed, this would technically make us bisexual and not LESBIAN.  While there are gay women out there who once in a while dabble with the opposite sex, we more often than not do not appreciate this offer.  If we want you in our beds, we will make the move...  So you should live by the rule that if we don't ask we are not interested.  And just to make it clear, I am not one of these women who dabble across the bridge - I burnt the bridge when I crossed over.

6.  Can I watch?

There is absolutely nothing appealing about letting a man watch me make love to my girlfriend... I know this also may come as a surprise to you, but fantasising about you getting an erection whilst watching me bring my girlfriend to orgasm is more like a nightmare than a sexually stimulating thought.

7.  Prove it!

This one is just so stupid it usually just makes me turn around and walk away without even responding.  It really does go hand-in-hand with numbers 5 and 6.

8.  It is such a waste that a woman like you is gay

In the words of a very clever LESBIAN I know, "As if we were put on this planet purely for the pleasure of men!"  I promise you that me being gay is seen as a beautiful thing by other gay women.  The only waste was the oxygen you stole from the planet to make this idiotic statement.

9.  If you like butch women, why don't you just date a man?

Listen dumbass, this one usually makes me ask you if you went to special school???  A butch woman is still a woman - and it amazes me that I have to explain it to you.  There are all different kinds of women on this great big rock, and just like you may have a personal type that you are attracted to, so do I.  I am not generally attracted to femme girls - While I can appreciate that they are sexy, beautiful or attractive, they usually don't get me all hot and flustered.  A tomboy, or butch women is a completely different story.  I love the way their strength swirls around their softer sides.  A butch woman may look all tough and masculine on the outside, but I promise you that in private she is all woman, and she knows and understands my needs in a way that only a woman can.   She may be wearing biker boots and a button down shirt, but underneath the clothing her skin is soft and her curves are in the same places as mine.. you do the math!

10.  Are you sure?

WTF?  Are you sure you shouldn't sit down before you hurt yourself thinking so much???

So listen up boys, the next time you meet a LESBIAN and are tempted to say one of the above... rather don't!  Just keep your dignity and ego in tact and either change the subject or try your luck with someone else, because with us you are just flogging a dead horse when you continue to buy drinks for a woman who was clearly not interested the first time you used your "tried and tested" pick-up line.

4 comments:

Lynnie said...

Brilliant!!! Couldn't have said it better!! Thank you for posting the facts.....lets hope they read it and move on whooo hooo :) xx

Anonymous said...

My personal favourite - "What part of Lesbia are you from?" Hehehe - posted by a straight man who has in drunken stupors probably used 1 or 2 of these before. Lesson learnt. But riddle me this - what would be a gracefull way to handle this situation?

Kerren said...

Hi Anonymous :)

Handle which situation exactly? Finding out that the woman you are showing an interest in is gay?

Well, let me ask you this, if you went into a gay club, and the gay boys were hitting on you, and you informed them you are straight, how would you like them to respond to you? It is generally the same as we would like.

I promise that we don't feel uncomfortable that we are gay, it is usually only the straight guy trying to chat us up who does lol. Having said that, he need not feel uncomfortable as long as he is respectful.

Especially as a femme woman, I get hit on a lot by the opposite sex, and as long as the guy shows respect I will continue chatting and being friendly if he wishes to. I am also quite happy to answer questions (lots of straight men have questions lol), again as long as there is mutual respect in our conversation.

Probably your best bet if she has a sense of humour is to thank her for telling you early in the evening while you still have some dignity left. :) Making a joke at ones own expense always goes down far better than making one at someone else's.. especially when being turned down in a pub or club - no matter who is turning you down.

I hope that helps Anonymous, and hope to see you back here and posting again soon.

Kerren

Rosa Lopez said...

Love the "sex without penetration" question, it really shows the narrow view a lot of guys have toward sex. I actually found this post after reading https://www.slixa.com/late-night/438-ms-dykefire-queer-answers-for-straight which is basically a Q&A with a lesbian and is a great read if you have time for a laugh.