Saturday, 24 December 2011

Aint Life Grand?

 This is Grumpy.. and boy is Grumpy grumpy.. Having said that, Grumpy is someone in my world who is delivering a great many smiles and happy thoughts into my day to day life...  Not to mention shorts, t-shirts, socks, Bloody Mary's in vast quantities... and a healthy splotching of chaos, insanity and evil bitchiness (or is that butchiness?) all rolled into a very happy friendship.
 This is Happy... and, believe it or not, I am known as Happy to Grumpy..  I know some of you may not believe this given the very dark posts you have seen from me in the past two years - but I think Grumpy may be on to something...

There are definite areas of my life where I am enjoying the emotion "happy"  Now that may not sound all that thrilling to you, however, if you take into account the fact that some of these happy places were absolute places of horror for me a year ago, you will see how MONUMENTAL this actually is!

The most noticeable of course is my admitting to myself, as well as the world, that I am gay.  It remains a topic that is able to astound me on the odd occasion.  Having said that, it is a topic that brings me great joy and peace.. I finally feel comfortable in my own skin.. It is amazing...

The second one is the fact that I am beginning to like who I am.. If you know me pretty well, you will know that this is such a giant leap into the unknown for me.  I have been putting extensive effort into upping my EQ.  It is proving to be a worthy opponent - There are huge terrifying challenges that I am taking one at a time... And I have to say, so far so good!  I do not always get it right, but I am definitely on the right path... 

I know that my new outlook and behaviour is proving trying and testing for some of the people in my world.. I have caused hurt, anger and shock in a number of encounters in the past 6 weeks (or there abouts)... but I could not, in all good conscience, continue to hide from other truths in my life that required a voice.

I need to express my sincere apologies to those I have offended in the recent past.  Please try to understand that the things I have said, I have said so as to be able to speak my truth and hold my head high in that knowledge.

And to those people who stand beside me on this path and offer support when I stumble, I once again want to thank you - your contribution to my well-being is greatly appreciated..

There are areas of my life which still require attention, but I am experiencing so much happiness in the areas I have worked hard in, that I feel motivated to continue on this path of truth and peace...

Watch this space...

Can anyone see what Grumpy keeps close to the front door of the home?

Wednesday, 14 December 2011

Reflection results in clarity

( Sodahead )

Sometimes I wonder if we ever learn certain lessons...

Take my Husky for example, she is 7 years old, she is obedience trained, she is far calmer these days than when she was a puppy.  Yet still she is unable to grasp the concept that if she charges through the house and launches herself onto my bed - no matter how gorgeous she is -I will not let her sleep there!  Having a Jack Russel sleeping on the bed is one thing, but having a full grown husky sleeping on the bed is no joke!  She takes over the whole bed and it annoys me. 

Tonight I feel sort of how she must feel after she has once again been banished from my room.. Kind of like: Arggggghhh, will I ever get it right?"

I keep making the same error in one aspect of my life.

I maintain the same course of action every time I am in this situation.  Nine times out of ten, the result is not in my favour.  So you would think that perhaps with these kinds of odds against me, I would attempt a new course upon entering the ring for the following round... but no.. Not I!!!

Isn't something missing?

Perhaps I should finally lay down new rules of engagement for this particular test in my time here on this rock?

Excellent idea Kerren :)

Right.. Rules of Engagement:
1.   Start how you mean to finish.
2.  Engage both head and heart
3.  Remember that growth is the goal
4.  Remember that truth is the ultimate communication
5.  At all times remain open - do not build walls
6.  However, pay attention when your instincts warn caution
7.  Live without regret

How long until my soul gets it right?

Let it be this time...

Monday, 12 December 2011

Times.. they are a changing...

Ok people.. I know it has been forever since I have written.. there is a very good reason for this.  Some of you who are involved in my personal world will already know what I am about to say.  For those who know me only through this blog.. brace yourselves.

The reason I have not been here in so long is because I have been through a metamorphosis in the past 18 months.  All my readers will know that I have been struggling with demons for over a year.. a few of them.  And while some of them are still with me, and probably always will be, I have laid one to rest.

The demon that I have laid to rest is my sexuality.  My whole life I have lived as a straight woman, while all the while being aware that I have an interest in woman....  It is no longer just an interest.  That's right people.. I am gay.  GAY... completely homosexually oriented.  I know, rather a shock right?  It has been rather a shock for me too (not to mention for my family and friends), but the truth is, when I look back, the signs were always there.. I just wasn't paying attention.

So where I stand now is that Adam and I are divorcing.  This has been such a devastating year for both of us, but the way he has handled it has proven to me over and over again that I chose him as my husband for very obvious reasons.  His maturity, love, compassion and above-all his never-ending defence of me to people who were less than accepting has earned my eternal gratitude and respect.  He is the father of my children, the person I have spent all of my adult life with, and the man I will love until the day I die.

Having said that... I can no longer deny who I am .. nor do I want to.  On top of that, Adam deserves so much better than I can now offer him.  We will always be in each others lives - not only for the boys, but because he is incredibly important to me and I want to walk the rest of my life with him at my side.

I have lost more friends and family than I originally thought I would.. And yet, the people who have stayed at my side, as well as people I did not expect support from, added to the new friends I have made, are providing me with a support system that carries me through the dark days.

There is much I need to tell you.. but this is enough for one day...

I am back.. and I am dying to write about so many things.. I hope that you will continue to walk my path with me.