Thursday, 22 July 2010

Would you like me to point out your failings to you?

I don't understand... When did my weight issues become fit for public consumption??? I don't go around discussing your stupidity... or your ugly face.... or the fact that your personality is as exciting as watching the repair man (who is in my kitchen as we speak) fixing my oven.

And yes, to answer your question I am cross... spitting mad is more likely the right expression.

I am just so sick of not being able to talk about anything other than my weight. I know people mean well, but the truth is I am not an idiot..nor am I blind... I promise you that when I look in the mirror, I am quite capable of seeing my love handles...and the tractor tyre I carry around with me daily. It is also fairly simple for me to spot the double chin and saddle bags. However, if I am ever in doubt about the location of any of these accessories, I will be sure to ask you to comment.

But here is the thing... if you have not been in my position, you cannot possibly understand what it is like. I know that you are all just trying to help me, but some comments are just not helpful. In fact, some comments are just plain hurtful. Let me break it down for you...

If I am being honest, I have to say that I know I am obsessed with my weight. It just used to be so simple. When I was younger and I wanted to lose weight I would just stop eating for a week and the weight would drop off. Now I am sure I could stop eating again, but things are different now. I now have a husband who depends on me to keep things running smoothly at home while he brings in the bread every day. I also have two small boys who need me to be strong and healthy so that I can take care of them in a way they deserve. What this means is that I have to eat and take care of myself for all three of my boys - they deserve a wife and mother who is on top form.

Based on the above considerations, I went to see our family doctor two months ago and literally sobbed on his shoulder and begged him to help me. I thank my lucky stars that I have the kind of GP who actually listens. He let me sob and snot around his rooms for a bit and then laid out the plan for me. The first thing was that I needed to get blood work done to see if there was anything strange going on in my system. We discovered that my thyroid is limping along, as well as the fact that my body is not using sugar the way it should. My insulin and glucose are not speaking to each other, which means that any sugar I take in is not being used, but rather being stored. This also explains my constant craving for chocolate - the Doc says that my body is craving sugar for energy, so the minute it stores one amount of sugar it is begging for more. And last, but certainly not least is my metabolism, which he says is apparently in reverse.

I was so thrilled to hear all of this news I wept like a child again... Trust me, I know that sounds insane, but you need to understand the level of desperation I feel over my weight - so hearing that there is actually something going on with my system that is thwarting my efforts to lose the weight was like music to my ears.

So.. here is where we stand today..
I take one pill in the morning to kick-start my thyroid.
I take two pills a day to increase my metabolism and decrease my appetite.
I take another pill 30 minutes before each meal to help my body use the sugar (carbs) as energy rather than storing it.
I only eat low GI breakfasts
I have fruit mid-morning
I usually have home-made soup and a slice of low GI bread for lunch
and then I eat a normal dinner in the evenings, except I swap whatever carbs the boys are having with a portion of brown rice.
I also drink at least 2 litres of water every day
I cycle at least 5 days a week, and burn approximately 300 calories with each workout.
I alternate sprints and length training, but always stay above 35kms per hour and keep my repetitions above 90 repetitions a minute unless I am on warm up or cool down.
My heart-rate averages at 125 - 130 during length training and reaches about 145 during sprints.

So.. now that you have read all of that, if you still think that I am not trying, or that I eat too much, or don't exercise enough, or that I eat the wrong things, then please comment.. go on.. comment!

Edit: Due to so many people asking who I am talking about, I thought I would just clarify that it is not one person, but rather many people. For example, the lady with the red hair who works at the Engen shop on Mercury Street is always finding it necessary to comment on my shape since the birth of the boys...

* I dedicate this blog post to Tracey - we have hardly spoken before, and yet out of the blue there you were when I needed someone to just listen to me rant... not only did you listen, but you said things that both made sense and were worded in a tactful and kind way.. bless you for being such a sweet soul.. I hope one day I can return the favour.

Tuesday, 20 July 2010

And the little one said, "roll over, roll over"

Musical beds is still a nightly occurrence in our house... here is a typical evening...


19:30 - both boys to their rooms for story and quiet time
20:00 - lights out
20:01 - Return Daniel to his bed and give Caleb his second kiss
20:03 - Return Daniel to his bed and give Caleb his third kiss
20:05 - Return Daniel to his bed and give Caleb his last kiss
20:07 - Return Daniel to his bed
20:09 - Return Daniel to his bed
Are you getting the idea?
At some point between 20:00 and 21:30 both boys will finally be asleep - although I have to say, Caleb is pretty good about going to sleep...

Some time between the children's bedtime and our bedtime, Caleb will wake and either ask to sleep in our bed, or just go straight there. Now.. before you say we shouldn't allow it, what you may not know is that Caleb is having serious night-terrors at the moment. The terror that he portrays when he wakes from one of these nightmares is definitely not "put-on" - and he seems to sleep better in our bed.

When it is bedtime for the adults, Daniel will generally wake. A month or so ago we moved him from his crib into a toddler bed. Since then, as many parents have experienced, it is virtually impossible to keep him in his bed. We have found that sometimes giving him 100ml of milk will settle him again... so we change his diaper, give him his milk and pray that he goes back to sleep.

We then have the question of whether to move Caleb back into his own bed or let him sleep in ours. Most of the time we decide to let sleeping children be, which means that one of us has to sleep in his bed. Now, based on the fact that my long suffering husband works really long hours, and drives for two hours a day, I usually send him to Caleb's bed and I crawl in next to Caleb in our bed...

Then there is rest.. for about two hours. At which point I will wake up with Daniel running around the bedrooms trying to wake everyone up (especially Caleb) so that we will play cars with him. The only way I can persuade him to lie down is to let him lie next to Caleb in our bed. So I settle Daniel and make sure that both are covered with the duvet. I then creep down the passage to Daniel's room and crawl into his bed and try and sleep.

Within an hour I wake to the sound of the boys fighting over the pillows.. I charge down the passage to try and get to them before they wake The Master. It is at around this point that my patience completely leaves me and I grab Daniel and stomp (as quietly as possible) back up the passage to Daniel's room, closing the door behind me I prepare for the onslaught of tantrum that only a tired, grumpy little boy can deliver. I sit on his bed and pretend my eardrums are not bursting as he yells blue murder and undoubtedly swears at me in that mumbled jumble of no sense words that toddlers yell when you upset them. Once it occurs to my youngest "angel" that I am not going to back down on this, he will lie down and go back to sleep.

I then creep for the 6000th time up the passage back to my room, only to find that Caleb did not want to be alone in the bed so he has crawled into bed with Adam. Which leaves me alone in our large bed... ahhh.. finally... sleep sweet sleep....

zzzzz
zzzzzzz
zzzzzzzz

My eyes are forced open by my brain telling me that all is not as it should be... there is a weird sliding, scratching and clicking sound in my bedroom....what can it be?

slide
scratch
click
slide
scratch
click

As one eye focuses and the other is forcing itself open, I am faced with Daniel forcefully feeding our DVD player old crisps that he has found in some vacuum forsaken corner of my bedroom.. and the worst of it is, he has this sinister little grin on his face that says, " too late old lady, you will have to move faster than that if you are to thwart Daniel Master of Destruction".

I give up.. who needs a DVD player anyway... and as I crawl once more up the passage to prepare tea and breakfast for The Masters, a thought seeps into my fuzzy brain....

This too shall pass.. one day I will long for the sweet little chubby fingers that left marks on my walls and destroyed everything in their path..

I am blessed... love you boys..

Wednesday, 14 July 2010

Nature vs Nurture

I know I have briefly visited this topic before, but today (for the past week) it is haunting me again...

How much of who I am is part of my genetic make-up, and how much is based on how I was raised? I am not sure... I wish I knew... at least it would answer some questions for me.

As some of you know, I have not had the best relationship with my biological father. In fact, I would go so far as to say that we have a truly terrible relationship. The details of this relationship are not necessary, but I have spent the past 20 years trying to find peace with it in my mind. I have endured endless hours of therapy (read torture) in trying to overcome some of the baggage I carry with me from my early years. Not only have I tried therapy (aka torture), but I have been subjected to many different forms of it. I have been hypnotised, cleansed, read, reiki, spiritual healing, spirit guide connection, given enough drugs to kill a small country as well as being subjected to the stereotypical therapist who sits with his notepad on his lap and sucks his pen whilst looking at me over the rim of his little glasses.

Now before I go further, do not get me wrong, I believe that there are people out there who are truly helped by therapy, I also believe that some of these therapists do amazing work. However, this was not the case for me. Perhaps it is my block to therapy, but I have never been able to understand how someone who has never experienced the issues that brought me to therapy believes that something he/she learnt in a text book is going to help me... but I digress and therapists are a topic I will revisit one day..

So.. back to today's topic...

My whole life I have run from my childhood.. sometimes more successfully than others.. Sometimes my past seems so far away.. far enough away that it cannot touch me. And yet at other times it seems really close..like it determines daily who I am..

So my question when it comes to all of this nature vs nurture thing is could it determine how I treat my relationships in my adult life? I seem to fall into a never-ending cycle with all of my friends.. and its frustrating.. Very few people in my world have escaped this vortex with me...Adam seemed to miss the whole thing, and obviously Adam's family members do not apply..Oh and Duck.. Duck missed the insanity too... So what makes these people different to just about everyone else who comes into my world?

What is The Vortex of Kerren you may ask? Well I am so glad you did... When I first bring people into my world (or they bring me into theirs), I seem to have no trouble connecting with them. I often get the feeling that some are drawn in by me - now trust me, I know how arrogant that sounds, but my blog is about honesty with myself if nothing else.. and this is how I see it! I have a way of drawing people towards me. The problem is not drawing them in to me, but rather keeping them there. When people meet me, they often comment to me on how "together" I seem and how confident I appear. However, once I have them in my world, it is almost like I lose all sense of the person who attracted the friend in the first place. I seem to become needy and insecure.. and this is where it all starts to unravel.

Its almost as if the more someone gets to know me, the more I demand from them.. and there are only so many people on this rock who can constantly give at that level and not run out...

The other side of the coin is this...

I get to a point where I have nothing more to give someone... I put so much energy and emotion into my friendships that there comes a point where I just run out of juice... If I feel that someone is not putting in the same amount of energy to the relationship as I am, I will eventually get to the point where I just write them off, turn away, and move on.

Neither of these two scenarios is healthy...

Where is this all coming from I hear you cry... It is simple... During the most recent weekend, I was in contact with my biological father. In fact, I had more contact with him this past weekend than I have had in the past 5 years... It was a very difficult and emotional weekend for me... but during all of this chaos and mayhem, it occurred to me that the only person who can break this cycle is me. I am the only one who holds the power to my future, as well as to my future happiness. Can you feel the "aha" moment??? Once this thought had entered my brain, it became very difficult to silence it or push it to the back of my mind...

I have always preached that I am sincerely against the idea of blaming all ones problems as an adult on your issues of childhood... it drives me crazy... I hate it when I hear things like, "oh its not my fault, I was abused* as a child". These kinds of statements send me into over-drive, because I have always believed that as an adult we decide who we want to be, and it is up to us to become that person - which makes me a hypocrite!

How can I have preached this for so many years, and yet have let my childhood experiences manipulate and influence my relationships as an adult? Now that I understand this, it is my responsibility to change it. I am not a victim... who I am as a person is not a result of being a victim. I am stronger.. tougher.. and smarter than that.. I will intercept this cycle and break the routine.. starting today...

Today is a new day... tomorrow is just a promise.. and if you are part of my world and one of my friends then fasten your safety-belts and away we go!!!

*I do acknowledge that in some extreme cases this may be truth - people are taught how to behave as children, and if they are severely abused it will teach them how to behave in the future. However, I believe that too many people use this as an excuse for their poor behaviour as an adult.