Wednesday, 16 March 2011

Who Do I Want To Be?

So this is part 2 of my assignment for DrKakka for this week... If you have not read part 1, please click here

So part 2 comes about because I am meant to look forward.  In part 1 I was reflective, looking back.. trying to figure out how I got here.  Am I who I am because of the things that happened in my life, or did those things happen because of who I am?

Now he wants me to write about who I want to be.. In an ideal world, who would I choose to be..  While this may sound easy, it is actually a very difficult and complicated task for me - not withstanding the fact that my mind is empty and I am struggling to form this post...

Firstly, I want to be good.. but what does good mean?  Is it different for everyone?  Does it change according to one's own moral compass?  I think it does, so I am going to write this piece about my opinion of goodness, which does not necessarily reflect goodness in its true form.

How do you even start with something like this?  I keep trying to find the words.. normally they flow.. and I have wasted half a page on drivel.. I thought it would help me start.. but there is nothing.. my mind is blank and my head is empty... arrrgggggghhhhhh... help.. make the words come..

tick
tock
tick
tock...

Ok.. I have a plan.. See the reason I have been stumbling is because I have been trying to formulate the words in a specific order... the character traits in an order of importance.. and I have failed.. So.. I have decided to write as the words come and in no particular order.

Firstly, I would like to make decisions in my life based on truth and not based on fear.  I want to make choices that are right rather than choices that are safe.  I want to come from a place of strength.

How do I achieve this?  The most important thing I think is that I need to know who I am, and not only who I am, but accept the good, the bad and the ugly about myself.

I want to be honest.  I want to stop being frightened of people not liking me - as this leads me to be manipulative instead of honest.

I want to be responsible.  I want to place more value in delayed gratification as apposed to instant gratification.  This means I want to be less impulsive.  I am extremely impulsive, I make decisions based on emotion of the here and now rather than on long term scenarios.

I want to be compatible with life.  What I mean is, I want to be in harmony with my life and those around me.  Fight less love more.

Loyalty.  I want to be loyal to those I love.  I want to make choices based on my love and loyalty for them rather than my impulsive nature.

I want to trust  - this is a huge one for me.. I don't trust anyone... not completely anyway.  It is a terrible thing to admit - and must be very difficult for those I love most.. Even Adam, who has been part of my intimate world for longer than anyone else - I still have trust issues with him.  I know where they come from, and why they are here, but this does not make it any easier.

I want to have faith in myself - I want to stop doubting every thought in my head and start believing in my abilities.  Even when I make a sound decision I question it.. and then question that decision too..

I want to be more than a good enough mother..and this is an area I feel loads of guilt in, as I know many mothers do.. Its difficult to know sometimes whether you are doing the right thing or not.. And I know we are all going to make mistakes...but hopefully they are only small ones..

I have been trying to complete this post for two days.. but it has been like pulling teeth.. very painful..

So..

End of Part 2


3 comments:

Ninnles said...

If you want, you'll have it.

Husband said...

“Success is not final, failure is not fatal: it is the courage to continue that counts.”

~Winston Churchill~

mmmbah said...

Great assignment. When i went to counselling, i was asked to do something similar. For me, I realized that my personality wants to help and encourage others, and some negative experiences helped me to identify with some people who were hurting, and recognize signs in others. This even helped me accept what happened, and even be thankful for it.

That was just my experience, but for me, this was the turning point in accepting who I am, what had happened, and allowing me to move forward.