So part 2 comes about because I am meant to look forward. In part 1 I was reflective, looking back.. trying to figure out how I got here. Am I who I am because of the things that happened in my life, or did those things happen because of who I am?
Now he wants me to write about who I want to be.. In an ideal world, who would I choose to be.. While this may sound easy, it is actually a very difficult and complicated task for me - not withstanding the fact that my mind is empty and I am struggling to form this post...
Firstly, I want to be good.. but what does good mean? Is it different for everyone? Does it change according to one's own moral compass? I think it does, so I am going to write this piece about my opinion of goodness, which does not necessarily reflect goodness in its true form.
How do you even start with something like this? I keep trying to find the words.. normally they flow.. and I have wasted half a page on drivel.. I thought it would help me start.. but there is nothing.. my mind is blank and my head is empty... arrrgggggghhhhhh... help.. make the words come..
Ok.. I have a plan.. See the reason I have been stumbling is because I have been trying to formulate the words in a specific order... the character traits in an order of importance.. and I have failed.. So.. I have decided to write as the words come and in no particular order.
Firstly, I would like to make decisions in my life based on truth and not based on fear. I want to make choices that are right rather than choices that are safe. I want to come from a place of strength.
How do I achieve this? The most important thing I think is that I need to know who I am, and not only who I am, but accept the good, the bad and the ugly about myself.
I want to be honest. I want to stop being frightened of people not liking me - as this leads me to be manipulative instead of honest.
I want to be responsible. I want to place more value in delayed gratification as apposed to instant gratification. This means I want to be less impulsive. I am extremely impulsive, I make decisions based on emotion of the here and now rather than on long term scenarios.
I want to be compatible with life. What I mean is, I want to be in harmony with my life and those around me. Fight less love more.
Loyalty. I want to be loyal to those I love. I want to make choices based on my love and loyalty for them rather than my impulsive nature.
I want to trust - this is a huge one for me.. I don't trust anyone... not completely anyway. It is a terrible thing to admit - and must be very difficult for those I love most.. Even Adam, who has been part of my intimate world for longer than anyone else - I still have trust issues with him. I know where they come from, and why they are here, but this does not make it any easier.
I want to have faith in myself - I want to stop doubting every thought in my head and start believing in my abilities. Even when I make a sound decision I question it.. and then question that decision too..
I want to be more than a good enough mother..and this is an area I feel loads of guilt in, as I know many mothers do.. Its difficult to know sometimes whether you are doing the right thing or not.. And I know we are all going to make mistakes...but hopefully they are only small ones..
I have been trying to complete this post for two days.. but it has been like pulling teeth.. very painful..
End of Part 2