Who Do I Want To Be?

So this is part 2 of my assignment for DrKakka for this week... If you have not read part 1, please click here

So part 2 comes about because I am meant to look forward.  In part 1 I was reflective, looking back.. trying to figure out how I got here.  Am I who I am because of the things that happened in my life, or did those things happen because of who I am?

Now he wants me to write about who I want to be.. In an ideal world, who would I choose to be..  While this may sound easy, it is actually a very difficult and complicated task for me - not withstanding the fact that my mind is empty and I am struggling to form this post...

Firstly, I want to be good.. but what does good mean?  Is it different for everyone?  Does it change according to one's own moral compass?  I think it does, so I am going to write this piece about my opinion of goodness, which does not necessarily reflect goodness in its true form.

How do you even start with something like this?  I keep trying to find the words.. normally they flow.. and I have wasted half a page on drivel.. I thought it would help me start.. but there is nothing.. my mind is blank and my head is empty... arrrgggggghhhhhh... help.. make the words come..

tick

tock

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tock...

Ok.. I have a plan.. See the reason I have been stumbling is because I have been trying to formulate the words in a specific order... the character traits in an order of importance.. and I have failed.. So.. I have decided to write as the words come and in no particular order.

Firstly, I would like to make decisions in my life based on truth and not based on fear.  I want to make choices that are right rather than choices that are safe.  I want to come from a place of strength.

How do I achieve this?  The most important thing I think is that I need to know who I am, and not only who I am, but accept the good, the bad and the ugly about myself.

I want to be honest.  I want to stop being frightened of people not liking me - as this leads me to be manipulative instead of honest.

I want to be responsible.  I want to place more value in delayed gratification as apposed to instant gratification.  This means I want to be less impulsive.  I am extremely impulsive, I make decisions based on emotion of the here and now rather than on long term scenarios.

I want to be compatible with life.  What I mean is, I want to be in harmony with my life and those around me.  Fight less love more.

Loyalty.  I want to be loyal to those I love.  I want to make choices based on my love and loyalty for them rather than my impulsive nature.

I want to trust  - this is a huge one for me.. I don't trust anyone... not completely anyway.  It is a terrible thing to admit - and must be very difficult for those I love most.. Even Adam, who has been part of my intimate world for longer than anyone else - I still have trust issues with him.  I know where they come from, and why they are here, but this does not make it any easier.

I want to have faith in myself - I want to stop doubting every thought in my head and start believing in my abilities.  Even when I make a sound decision I question it.. and then question that decision too..

I want to be more than a good enough mother..and this is an area I feel loads of guilt in, as I know many mothers do.. Its difficult to know sometimes whether you are doing the right thing or not.. And I know we are all going to make mistakes...but hopefully they are only small ones..

I have been trying to complete this post for two days.. but it has been like pulling teeth.. very painful..

So..

End of Part 2