I know I have already blogged today, but this post has been swirling around my mind and gaining momentum since lunchtime today.. and it will not be silenced.. so put on your helmets and protective gear and away we go...
For at least the past 4 years, I have been self-conscious about my weight - in fact, it has become so bad that I would easily say I have become obsessed with my body (my BMI is 28). Every woman I meet I compare (physically) to myself. EVERY WOMAN - do you know what kind of pressure that has placed on my mind.. and emotions? Every time I meet someone new, I wonder if they are judging me because I am over-weight? Do they think, "Why doesn't she just stop eating?" Do they think less of me because I am carrying around body fat? Do they ask themselves if it bothers me that I am not thin? These kinds of thoughts eat me alive... and destroy my self-esteem and self-worth..
Well those days are done.. they are no more.. and I say Viva-la-fat-Girl!
Today, after lunch, I went clothes shopping. I needed to find a few items for my work wardrobe for winter. As I was walking around my chosen store, a label caught my eye, it said, "Tall - extra length". Now, what you need to understand about me is that I am almost 6ft tall. Which means that whenever I buy clothes, they are usually too short in the arms and legs. So, not only am I over-weight, but I am a big girl in every sense of the word. But once I found this label, I was in heaven - I chose about 10 items to try on, and all the time that I was picking clothes off the shelves to "attempt" to squeeze my body into, the thought that kept running through my mind was, "why are you even bothering, until you lose the weight, you will never look good in clothes". The result of this way of thinking is that by the time I reached the fitting rooms I was rather depressed.
Once inside the fitting room however, something strange happened. I tried on the first suit - and the truth is, it looked fabulous.. and I looked fabulous. I couldn't believe it! I looked so good in the suit that I didn't want to take it off..lol.. I stood there for ages turning this way and that to look at my body from different angles. I decided to be brave, and keeping the thought in my mind that perhaps I could look good in some things, I proceeded to try on all the other items I had brought to the fitting room - the result is that I bought them all.
I spent the rest of the afternoon asking myself, why is it that I hate my body so much? So I began analysing my life - trying to look at it from the outside looking in. What I discovered is this:
1. I am over-weight
2. My tummy is flabby from carrying two babies to term
3. My breasts are not as firm as they were 10 years ago - breastfeeding will do that!
4. I still have a waist
5. Men still compliment me on my appearance
6. Whenever I go out at night, at least once during that night, someone will give me the eye and try and pick me up
7. I look sexy when I feel sexy
8. I am attractive - if I were not attractive, I would never get the approving looks I always pretend didn't happen
9. Adam still looks at me with the same desire he did 10 years ago
10. Adam still loves to be close to my body - as he did 10 years ago
11. I am not perfect
12. If I don't love me how will anyone else?
And so I am done with torturing myself. I am over-weight. I do not look like a Hollywood actress. I am not a size zero... but I am beautiful.. I am sexy.. I have a large bottom... large thighs... a flabby tummy... and large breasts... and I am beautiful!
Does this mean I am just going to let myself go? No.. that is not what it is about..I am still going to workout just about every night of the week. I am still going to try and make healthy food choices when I eat. But what it does mean is that the days of me hating the fact that I am not as skinny as Lindsay Lohan are done. I am a real woman.. I am a full-bodied, hot-blooded, baby-bearing and beautiful woman!
I am beautiful!