I find this whole mess sickening. I realise (based on previous comments to my previous posts on this topic) that perhaps I do not have a forgiving heart. I apologise upfront if what I am going to say offends any of my readers.. I truly do, but after much consideration and thought I have decided that I need to get this out... think of it this way..
This blog is my journal - as so many are - and because of that, I need to note in my journal all the things that are playing on my soul, be they big or small.. and so based on that, I need to get this post off my chest.. here goes.
Today, for the first time since this story broke, there has been an update from B, "April's Mom". It is, of course, exactly what you would expect from someone who has just had a web of lies and deceit uncovered..it is very apologetic..but it also has an undertone for something that is a pet-hate of mine.
In one breath she says she needs to take responsibility for her actions, and then in the next breathe she goes on to speak about how she has had a difficult life and suffered a loss in the past.
This kind of thing really annoys me.. and I will tell you why (I am about to share, on a small scale, a piece of me that is usually only reserved for those in my inner circle - it is a giant leap of faith for me to blog about this)..
Here it is..
I did not have a happy childhood. Although my time spent with my Mother were the best days of my life, the time I spent with my father, step-mother and step-sister were some of the blackest times of my life. My father and I did not have a happy, loving or trusting relationship. My step-mother resented me for a number of reasons. The only joy I had in that house was my step-sister (I love you A - you made so many miserable years bearable). Enough said on that topic, you get the idea.. anyway, what I am trying to get at is this..
So many people in today's society get away with bad behaviour (to put it mildly) and then, when they get caught, they blame this behaviour on their unhappy childhood, or that they were abused. This makes me see red - It is unforgivable, in my book, to blame anyone else for our bad behaviour.
I waited much later than most to have my children.. why? Because I spent years worrying that I would take the behaviour I learnt as a child and use it to raise my children the same way, and that thought frightened me.. terrified me.. Until I met Adam, and with his strength and help I realised that I have nobody to blame for my behaviour but myself. It is a conscious decision I make every day to not use violence against my children - to not let my temper get out of control because that is not the type of mommy I want to be - I never want to see my children look at me with fear in their eyes. Respect yes.. but fear no!
My weakness is that I may be too lenient with them as compensation for the fear I felt as a child...that is something I work on all the time..
And so instead of me feeling more forgiving and less resentful towards her, I now find that I have lost any respect for her. I think that many of the things she said in her apology post today were done so purely for manipulation purposes and it makes me sick to my stomach.
I do not wish her anything bad, but I truly hope she can grow enough as a person to acknowledge that she has nobody to blame for her behaviour but herself.. She made the conscious decision every time she blogged to lie and deceive so many good people who were praying for her.
If you wish to read her apology, click here