The past two days were extremely difficult for me - after my two most recent posts, I just sort of unravelled. I have spent the last two days in a cloud of anger, frustration and sadness. The more I thought about it, the more upset I became.
Not only in the past couple of days, but in recent years, I have become a master at hiding my pain. An example - Yesterday afternoon when I went to collect Caleb from school, I spent the entire trip sobbing like a baby. The tears were literally rolling down my cheeks and it was that kind of sobbing that leaves you a little breathless and exhausted. About 1km from the school I got myself under control and pulled myself together wiped my face with a wet wipe (a constant companion in a car that transports a 3-year-old) and literally plastered a big fake smile on my face. I walked into the school and nobody was the wiser. Shortly after arriving home with him, I went to the bathroom and fell apart for a few minutes again - Until I heard the doorbell ring - at which point I splashed water on my face, once again located and applied the same fake smile and went to open the door for my in-laws who had come round for tea so that my Father-in-Law could say goodbye to the boys before he heads back to Taiwan.
There are, however, two people I do not seem to be very good at hiding it from...one is of course Adam and the other is Sam. After much weepy behaviour with both of these people yesterday afternoon, we decided that a night out with Sam was probably a good idea for me... The rest of this blog is dedicated to the 3 people who helped me out of my black hole yesterday..
The first is Adam - you are the most patient and understanding of husbands. You give me enough freedom for me to be able to fight my battles and confront my demons the only way I know how, and that is in my own time and on my own. I know sometimes you must feel shutout from the inner workings of my mind when I am in a "bad space", but you know that as soon as I am ready to share, you are always the one I go to first. Without you I would not have the courage or strength to battle these foes - I love you.
The second is Sam - Our friendship came out of nowhere - very recently - and I want you to know how grateful I am for it. You seem to understand my bossy and demanding nature and you just let me get on with it... I love this about you! You are tough when I need you to be .. and gentle when I am falling apart. You are a party animal when I need to blow off steam and a good listener when I want to talk.. It is mostly thanks to you that last nights mood lifted... and I am grateful.
The last is Alex - I met you for the first time last night - and your insights into my soul blew me away. It seems like such a long time ago.. after years and years of therapy which didn't work, that I decided to lock that door and just pretend it doesn't exist anymore. For some reason you didn't need a key - you just bashed it down with a bulldozer and forced me to see it.. truly see it.. for what it is. In just a few short sentences you showed me what years of therapy never could. I think the personal growth that I gained from our meeting last night is more than I gained in all the time I was paying money to someone who could never help me. Your knowledge and faith in your convictions really had an affect on me... Thank you Alex.
And so, after these 3 people took turns to say/do/listen to what I needed yesterday, the black mood is lifting. I know, as I have always known, there are tough times ahead, but somehow the universe always seems to give us what we need when we really need it. She smacks us with a sledgehammer and then provides first-aid as we recover