Tuesday, 23 June 2009

A different space..

Have you ever noticed how your life will be carrying on as normal? The days blending into each other? No real issues or hiccups? And then.. all of a sudden, out of the blue, life hits you with a sledgehammer? Almost as if the universe is saying, "Hey you.. pay attention... stop being complacent.. remember..."

Today was not a good day for me - a number of things went wrong today, but they are not major issues. They are things which upset the balance, but you sort them out and move on... all but one of them that is.

As I sat down to blog this evening, I switched the TV on to the news channel - I like to watch the news whilst blogging. Anyway, it was not turned to the news, it was on a movie channel that was showing the movie "Someone like you". I had only been watching a couple of minutes, when Ashley Judd's character goes to the hospital to support her sister who just lost a baby to miscarriage - and boom.. out of nowhere.. the sledgehammer hit! In a little over two weeks I should be celebrating the birthday of one of the babies Adam and I lost. He was due on 9 July - which means that his "birthday" is coming up..

I am sitting here on the sofa in my lounge trying to hold it together.. but the tears are falling and I can't stop them...If Adam knew (he will when he reads this) that I am sitting here crying, he would want to help.. as all good husbands would, but the truth is, he cannot help me with this.. nobody can.. and as much as I appreciate the TLC, this is something I would not openly discuss with anyone in my world (except Adam). This pain is something I deal with on my own - except for my blog.. Isn't that strange how I don't wish to talk about this, but I am happy to come here and tell so many strangers about my pain?

I don't think you ever truly get over the pain of losing a child.. no matter how briefly they were with you. Some of you must be wondering how I can feel this way, when I would not have Daniel had my baby lived? The truth is something I did not understand until I lost a child.. One child can never replace another... I love Daniel and Caleb more now than ever before.. they mean more to me than I could ever really put into words.. and yet the empty space in my heart that will never be filled longs for my lost babies.. all of them.. And there are certain days of the year that are so very difficult to cope with.

And so tonight I mourn the loss.. again.. of one of my little angels..Mommy loves you Little One.. and one day our souls will be reunited..oh what a happy day that will be!

One last thing... please, if you are part of my world.. please.. do not ask me about it..or even broach the topic. It is not a topic that I am able to discuss with anyone (except Adam) - posting about it on my blog is as close as I can come to discussing my losses. I, as always, would love to read your comments, but I don't wish to talk about it. Thank you for your understanding.


Anonymous said...

You will be reunited with your son, he was taken early from you I know, but he was taken so that he can watch over you as you bring up your other boys. So when you are having an "off" day with your sons, just remember, he is there offering his love and support and strength, so that his brothers can have the best mommy in the world. Love you my friend.

Anonymous said...

Needless to say I was touched. You opened my eyes to a whole different side of life to many people don't see. Thank you for your honesty. Wow!

Dad, Daniel, Caleb said...

You are the strongest person i know,and remember we are all here for you when you need us..Love you.

Celia said...

I'm sorry...more than I could ever say....and having now experienced a loss myself I can truly understand the pain you talk about. It is all encompassing and leaks into every aspect of your life whether you mean it to or not. And you're right...having another baby CANNOT replace the one you lost....but I imagine that it helps to ease the pain, if only just a little....
I also understand your desire not to speak of it. Though I am so very proud of my little boy, I in no way want to converse openly about him to others (besides maybe the moms who have experienced what I have).
I will pray for strength for you as his birthday approaches...