Monday, 21 February 2011

You have got to be shitting me...

Hello Powers that Be.. it's me again... and I respectfully ask.. ARE YOU INSANE???  Have you completely lost all rational thought? You have got to be shitting me???

Ok.. let me back up a second..

Recently (a few weeks ago) I was feeling strong, I had a game-plan, I was making progress and I was feeling optimistic.. this has now changed..

I am not in a happy place right now..

There are a few things (apart from the obvious) that are playing on my mind.. for one thing I feel like I am slowly being smothered by a blanket.. I am tired.. very tired.. All I want to do is sleep all the time.. I feel sad.. a lot of the time..and I am just without energy and drive.

It is Jorga's EDD in three days.. and this, as always, is weighing heavy on my heart.  Today when I was looking for a picture to attach to this blog I typed in the words "Are you insane?" and Google brought up a whole bunch of pictures for me to pick from.. but there was one which made me gag.. and then I sat at my machine and cried for a few minutes.. it was a picture of a still-born term baby.. thrown in a bucket.. There is so much I could write on this.. but I think its pretty obvious how I feel.. So in light of the fact that I am already feeling depressed and weepy, I will leave this topic.. perhaps for another day.. perhaps I will never blog it.. who knows..

On top of this, I am feeling  very depressed about my weight.  The scale says I have picked up 1 or 2kgs in the past month.. I know I am comfort eating again.. and I am struggling to get it under control..  I know that gaining a couple of kgs vs the 24kgs that I lost is nothing.. But all I see when I stand naked in front of the mirror is the mountain I was last year.. and it is seriously depressing me.. It is difficult though because I do not feel motivated to get on the bike at all.. I just want to sleep all the time.. zzzzz...

Add to this the enormous pile of things I should be accomplishing both in the house and in the garden and I just feel overwhelmed.. I am sure if I tackled a little every day.. say one project a day, I would feel some sense of accomplishment.. but I have no desire to do anything... except eat.. and sleep..

Today when I fetched Caleb from school I was informed that his class have been separated from the rest of the school due to an outbreak of chicken-pox in his class..  3 Children have come down with it over the weekend and they are expecting more.. None of my three boys (the big one included) have had it.  Yes, they have all been vaccinated against it, but so have the 3 children who are currently suffering with it.. so this is no guarantee.  So now I am wondering if we will escape it, or will this horrid disease rear its ugly head in my home..

Tomorrow I see DrKakka.. and I have no energy for it.. no desire to go.. If it were not for the fact that at least 3 people in my life would drag me there kicking and screaming if I tried to get out of it, I would cancel the appointment..

So.. why the picture of Zola Budd you may ask?  Well, Zola Budd is/was one of the greatest runners South Africa has ever produced.. And it is a standing joke in our house that when things get too tough or difficult for me, I want to run..  So I figured, given how I am feeling now, a picture of her would be appropriate..

Run Kerren Run...


Husband said...

For what its worth i am here if you need some hugs

Ninnles said...

I think the tackling one project at a time is an excellent idea. Start by getting on the bike. It'll be hard but the endorphins are needed. Rooting for you girl and sending happiness vibes your way by the truck load!

Kerren said...

Thanks for the responses... always nice to feel support