Tuesday, 15 May 2012

Cry Wolf It Was Not

If you were expecting something pretty with this post, then prepare to be disappointed..

She killed herself.. Took her own life...  She threatened to do it for so long and now she has done it.

The shock has been indescribable. 

I learned of her death in the early hours of Saturday morning, and I only now feel as if I am coming up for air for the first time.  My intense reaction to her death has left me stunned - we didn't get along, lets leave it at that...

In fact, many people didn't get along with her - and yet since her death they are coming out of the woodwork saying how much they will miss her etc etc..  And this infuriates me!

None of us were there for her when she cried for help..  And I am carrying a burden of guilt for this.  You see she had cried wolf so many times and I had dashed to save her.. I came to distrust her cry for help.  How sad is that?  I didn't think she would really do it.. I thought it was just to get attention... and now she is gone..

I am struggling immensely with my guilt..  But that doesn't mean that I will all of a sudden start spewing lies about how she was my best friend, or how we were bosom buddies.

I am, however, choosing to remember the person I first met.. the one who made me laugh.. and who dropped everything to come and visit me one evening because I was down... that is the woman I will remember.

Your death has had a profound impact on my life and I am implementing changes so I am once again able to like the person in the mirror - your passing has brought change for the better to who I am.. Thank you for that.

I pray that you are at peace and can now, at last, rest easy.


The Other Me said...

Sorry to hear Kerren....

I have and still do live with a person who cries wolf, no matter what you could/should have done it wouldn't have been enough, my thoughts are with you my friend x

Just remember no matter what you did/didnt do the responsibility lies with the person.
Very hard to lose anyone but especially this way.

Sandra x

Les_CT said...

I was just thinking today about how our outer hurts are visible for all to see... but they heal, scar tissue forms and we are made whole (even if scarred).

Our inner hurts though, they don't always heal...sometimes they fester, sometimes they weep, sometimes they remain as painful as they were day we got them.

Some days those hurts threaten to overwhelm us and we don't know whether our outer strength is enough to see us through.

We think those thoughts that should remain in dark places and sometimes we even express those thoughts out loud.

Maybe some of us want affection or attention, while others are simply trying to reach out in case someone out there can make a difference.

Sometimes the words of another, or our own fear or sense of responsibility or love for significant others is enough to pull us back onto the side of reason.

Ultimately though,the choice as to whether we follow through on our words with actions, that choice rests with us alone.

Some of us may die at the hand of another and most of us will leave this earth through illness or age... those are not circumstances in which we have a say.

The CHOICE to take your life though is just that - a CHOICE - and I do not believe that anyone should feel guilt over the free will that another human being has chosen to exercise.

Empathy or even sadness yes, but guilt, no.

Spaz said...

It sounds like you have been on a rough ride lately. thinking of you during these times. Will call you next week and maybe catch up.


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