They tell me to write about happy events.. happy thoughts …. To put positive things on paper.. they do not understand my writing.
For some reason I struggle to write if I am not in pain.. my writing is born of my pain.. the bad days give rise to the longing inside me to express myself – very rarely do the words flow on the good days.
Asking me to write inspirational pieces is like asking Stephen King to write trashy love stories… His writing comes from darkness.. mine too.
Tonight the pain is rising .. like the tide.. inevitable…it is a living pulsing thing inside of me.. tonight the pain wants a voice.
When we were children, Angie had a doll that went everywhere with her – at 37 she still has this doll and guards it protectively like a child. The doll has a hard head and hands, but the rest of her is made merely of cloth and foam stuffing. Because this doll is so dearly loved and treasured, she often looked a bit shop worn and tattered due to the constant intense handling. Every so often Granny would recover the doll for Angie, giving her a new lease on life – or so I have always believed…
Tonight I know the truth – the doll was covered, not to give her a fresh start, but rather to hide the worn and battered appearance underneath.
I am the doll.
I have been covering myself in layers of new and shiny things. Believing that I was starting afresh… that the new covering would take away the ugliness that lurks beneath.
But the ugliness remains.. Tonight the new and shiny coverings cannot hold back what went before. It seeps through the new layers to the surface.
I feel the darkness coming down around me.. closing me in .. shutting you out..you are still here, but I will The Nothing to cover you completely.. so that even though you are here and you can see me, it will hide you from me.. to remove from my gaze the vision that causes such deep pain.. such a longing inside me that it slowly corrodes any goodness that may remain.
Tonight The Nothing is welcome.. I am willingly allowing it in .. waiting for it to shut everything else out..
Let there be nothing