Tuesday, 7 February 2012

Ramblings of a busy mind

Today I sit and write with no idea what is coming… It is the first time in forever that the need to write is overpowering.. and yet I have no idea what I will type.

Sometimes there is a specific topic that I need to write about.. you have seen me write a few times by beginning the post saying that the words of the post were going round and round in my head.. they were demanding voice, demanding an audience.. and those blog posts I love to write..


This is my favourite way to write… The urge to write is strong.. I need to get some things out of me.. I have to write.. and yet I have no idea what is coming.. Where will the post go? Not even I know..
I do know that SHE is on my mind a lot at the moment. I know this is because her date is coming up soon. One of the two dates on the calendar that fill me with such emotion I am never quite sure what I am feeling.. It has been 7 years.. How can so much time have moved on since you left? Are you still watching down on me? Do you see into my soul the way nobody else can? Do you look at me through the eyes of a child, or through the eyes of an old soul? Do you see into our past? Do you carry all the connections that we have experienced through lifetimes?

I carry you with me in this moment as I have down countless ones before. But today it hurts..

I sit in my study and look out the door to the falling rain.. I look passed Adam’s desk. A desk that is now empty… The only proof that it once was occupied is the cactus that no longer flourishes and the bolts on the wall where a monitor was once fastened..

The rain continues to fall .. relentless in its downward fall…

YOU too are on my mind. It has been almost 3 years since your passing.. and I still think of you more often than I think you would have believed. I ponder where our friendship would be now had you lived. I wonder if your soul is now at peace with HER and your SON. I wonder if it was your sudden passing that has made it so difficult for my mind, my soul, to let you go. You were ripped out of our lives so violently that the shock is still with me. I hope your soul is at peace my friend.

Bringing conscious thoughts of YOU to mind always leads me back to the FIRST. Ten years have gone by since you took your own life. Do you regret ending it all? When in truth all you ended was your earthly suffering. Your death began mine. Have you heard the thoughts I have sent you over the years? Do you know that I still regret not trying harder when I could see you were suffering? You were my first real shock with death.. Your death shook me then as it still does now… I hope your soul is at peace my friend.

I cast my mind way back into the past to hold on to a happy thought… I am just a little girl, playing in my grandparents’ garden. It is a beautiful sunny day. I am on the swing in the tree just outside the kitchen door. I can smell the scent of the berries – It is a scent I have long been searching for. Every time I see a tree that could be the same as the one in your garden I crush a berry and take a deep breath of the scent released… I have yet to find it, but I would know it anywhere. 

Max is lying in the sun and Candy is lying on the kitchen floor out of the heat. My Grandfather is cleaning the pool, and my grandmother is whipping up something yummy in the kitchen.  I can hear the sound of summer... In this moment  have no inclincing of the twists and turns that await me in the future... I hold this memory with me now as I travel through these emotions…

Now we both know where this post went…

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