Wednesday, 22 February 2012

Courage to let go

Does any of it really matter anymore?  Seriously?  Really?

Does any of it really matter?

I can type until I am blue in the face.. I talk and talk and talk, but neither of you are listening.. you are not really listening.  And the truth is I can't even blame you, because you are both so wrapped up in your own problems that you cannot possibly see the ledge where I teeter.  Same as I am so wrapped up in my problems that I cannot comprehend yours...

I feel like I am the last person to get any of your attention, your time, your love..  There are so many things taking your time and energy, that the truth is you really don't have space in your life for me.  For a few weeks this sent me into a spiral of self-pity, but I am gradually coming out of my pity-party to the other side.  What is on the other side?  Nothing... that's what... absolutely nothing... My heart is closing... my emotions are dying.. and still you are not here.. So be it..

And as for you... well.. On the one hand I can see where you are coming from - I get how torn you are... So I don't blame you either.  I am just incredibly sad that even though you are probably the only person on the planet to know just how deep and black my head space is, you are still considering walking away from me because it is expected of you... How does that make me feel?  Incredibly worthless.. One of the things I learnt from the programme you made me watch is that everyone needs a rock... everyone does... and I need to find one I can count on to be there when I just need someone to sit with me ... just to be in the same room so I am not alone.. You asked for time to figure out if you want to be in my life, as a friend, to help me through the darkness, or if you should rather choose your 1-month relationship with a woman who is demanding that you never have contact with me again..  It really is very simple... if you have to sit and think about it... then I really am not worth it to you... So be it...

What was the point of this post?  Who knows... and does it really matter?

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

Besides the'you'and the 'your'that you are mentioning, you have forgotten that there is also an 'I' and a 'me'in this. The 'I' and the 'me'that I know is worth far more that all the 'yous' and the 'yours' out there. This 'I' and 'me' is a very special person to me. The person that one day finds her will have a strong, special, loving, loyal and funny lady to love.And there is someone out there. Sweetheart, the darkness and despair will lift and be replaced by sunshine and fun. Be patient and stay true to yourself.You are a wonderful lady.Let no one tell you otherwise.Love you lots girl. xxx (Damn, I don't think I have ever used so many commas at once before!!)