Wednesday, 29 February 2012

The Lesbian Grapevine

So here is the thing right.. In the straight world, every couple would have one male and one female (stay with me here, I realise it is a complicated equation), in the LESBIAN world, there are two women in a couple.  With me so far?

Now, how often in the straight world, do we hear the men standing around the braai (barbecue) complaining about how women gossip, or how we fuel everything with drama, or we make Kilimanjaro out of The Melville Koppies?  Now these men do have reason to complain... women do gossip, and in doing so we create a vacuum of meaningless information that usually ends up hurting whoever it is we are gossipping about.

Now imagine if you will, what it must be like in a LESBIAN relationship - both parties are women, all our friends are women, all our exes  are women and basically everyone except our male family members and the occasional moffie - yup, you guessed it all women...  So when this well-oiled machine kicks into gossip mode, all hell usually breaks loose.

I, very recently, had the extreme misfortune of once again being on the receiving end of this chain of gossip!  I will break it down for you - however, the example, as well as all names, have been changed to protect the innocent (and the back stabbing bitches who would take it personally).

It went something like this:

I called Jane and said: "I feel a little bloated today, hope I am not coming down with something!"

Jane called Michelle and said, "Have you noticed Kerren is looking a little bloated, I wonder what's up?"

Michelle called Sarah and said, "Kerren has put on weight recently, she is looking larger don't you think?"

Sarah called Pam and said, "Have you seen how much weight Kerren has put on, wouldn't it be funny if she was pregnant?"

Pam called Sue and said, "It looks like Kerren is pregnant, so much for her being gay right!"

Sue called Anne and said, "I told you that bitch is a straight chick, she is pregnant, by a man obviously!"

Anne called my girlfriend and said, "I am so sorry to hear what Kerren did to you... I hate to say I told you so, but we did warn you, never date a straight chick!"

And at the moment when my girlfriend comes round to discuss our relationship (keep this in mind), I am left bitch-slapped by the vacuum that is the female gay universe and wondering how on earth I fell pregnant...

Perhaps you really can fall pregnant from a toilet seat...


spaz22 said...

And you have only realised that now. It really does get better when you sort through the riff raff and get rid of the rude naked wonders of this wonderful Lesbian world. then you would only find a diamond in the rough.

Anonymous said...

Isn’t life complicated enough!!! Typical hick town attitude, dump these LOSERS life is too short to be wasting time with their single cell mentality.

Jay said...

Yes.... The 3° of separation lesbian grapevine, where every bloody dyke, fem, butch, futch and their mothers think they not only have the right to discuss your actions, but somewhere within their delusional existence, they also feel that they are informed enough to judge your life and your choices. They sit on their pedestals waving about their hypocritical wands, in spite of the negativity that it may leave. Those fat bitches conveniently forget that they too have a past and that there is always your truth, my truth and then the real truth.

What makes you think that I too have been the subject of discussion in recent days? So I feel your pain sister. Only I seem much more angry than you. Perhaps the fact that I am anonymous makes it easier for me to express.

So I raise my beer (and my middle-finger) in salute to all the rainbow-shitting-self-righteous-fat-bitches, and with peace in my heart I say to you... “Go F**k Yourselves”!

Kerren said...

Hey girls,

Many thanks for the responses - I love getting comments from my readers and hearing their views on my ramblings.

I can see that although I tried to make this post a little humerous, it is indeed a real issue!

Anonymous said...

One of us is not a girl, but supports and respects your choices