Saturday, 11 February 2012

Dating men vs Dating women Part 1

The confusion of dating men is nothing when compared with the insanity of dating women. For the first time in my life I feel like I should get in touch with all my ex-boyfriends and apologise for all the emotional chaos that swirls around dating a woman.

For starters, when you are dating men, the roles are always clear – and men have no problem with this.  Yes, there are exceptions and everyone is different, but as a general rule the roles are clear.  There are clearly male functions and clearly female functions…

Dating women is a whole new ballgame… and there are many different dimensions and layers... It is a minefield that must be negotiated with every new relationship.

For example:

If a woman (in the gay world) is very butch, she will typically take on the same role as a male – she will open your car door for you, let you walk through the door first, order your drinks at the bar, pay for dinner or stand up when you walk in or out of a room.  And generally butch women have the best manners out of everyone.

On the other hand, if you are dating a femme woman, she will want you to perform some of these common courtesies – the problem for someone like me is that I am generally femme; I was raised in the straight world, which means that it does not occur to me to open someone’s car door, or pull out her chair at dinner… this can lead to possible complications over who does what.

It becomes really complicated when dating a frutch (this is a woman who has some femme tendencies, but generally is considered butch by the straight world).  This is a vortex of chaos waiting to happen… Unless of course you are a Gold Star Lesbian (GSL).  A GSL has been in the gay world for so long that it never occurs to her that her intricate and complicated system of roles and who does what is anything other than completely natural.

Over and above that, many gay women are completely against the idea of roles – they balk at the mere idea of anyone having roles based purely on their gender or sexuality.  So for someone like me who was raised in a world where (most of the time) there are quite clearly roles for the different genders, it can be extremely difficult to not offend anyone.   

And on top of all that, you have the fact that, even though many won’t admit it in public, many butch women like to be with femme women who were raised in the straight world – this is because we are domesticated… completely domesticated.  Not only that, but femme girls who were raised in the straight world do not generally take offence at being expected to be a wife.  Whereas many GSL’s go a little crazy with offence at any mention of roles or domesticity or who does what…

I think that’s enough for one my head is already spinning with all the different dimensions I am currently processing… Part Two to follow…

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