Aint Life Grand?

 This is Grumpy.. and boy is Grumpy grumpy.. Having said that, Grumpy is someone in my world who is delivering a great many smiles and happy thoughts into my day to day life...  Not to mention shorts, t-shirts, socks, Bloody Mary's in vast quantities... and a healthy splotching of chaos, insanity and evil bitchiness (or is that butchiness?) all rolled into a very happy friendship.

 This is Happy... and, believe it or not, I am known as Happy to Grumpy..  I know some of you may not believe this given the very dark posts you have seen from me in the past two years - but I think Grumpy may be on to something...


There are definite areas of my life where I am enjoying the emotion "happy"  Now that may not sound all that thrilling to you, however, if you take into account the fact that some of these happy places were absolute places of horror for me a year ago, you will see how MONUMENTAL this actually is!


The most noticeable of course is my admitting to myself, as well as the world, that I am gay.  It remains a topic that is able to astound me on the odd occasion.  Having said that, it is a topic that brings me great joy and peace.. I finally feel comfortable in my own skin.. It is amazing...


The second one is the fact that I am beginning to like who I am.. If you know me pretty well, you will know that this is such a giant leap into the unknown for me.  I have been putting extensive effort into upping my EQ.  It is proving to be a worthy opponent - There are huge terrifying challenges that I am taking one at a time... And I have to say, so far so good!  I do not always get it right, but I am definitely on the right path... 


I know that my new outlook and behaviour is proving trying and testing for some of the people in my world.. I have caused hurt, anger and shock in a number of encounters in the past 6 weeks (or there abouts)... but I could not, in all good conscience, continue to hide from other truths in my life that required a voice.


I need to express my sincere apologies to those I have offended in the recent past.  Please try to understand that the things I have said, I have said so as to be able to speak my truth and hold my head high in that knowledge.




And to those people who stand beside me on this path and offer support when I stumble, I once again want to thank you - your contribution to my well-being is greatly appreciated..




There are areas of my life which still require attention, but I am experiencing so much happiness in the areas I have worked hard in, that I feel motivated to continue on this path of truth and peace...


Watch this space...

Can anyone see what Grumpy keeps close to the front door of the home?



Reflection results in clarity

( Sodahead )

Sometimes I wonder if we ever learn certain lessons...

Take my Husky for example, she is 7 years old, she is obedience trained, she is far calmer these days than when she was a puppy.  Yet still she is unable to grasp the concept that if she charges through the house and launches herself onto my bed - no matter how gorgeous she is -I will not let her sleep there!  Having a Jack Russel sleeping on the bed is one thing, but having a full grown husky sleeping on the bed is no joke!  She takes over the whole bed and it annoys me. 

Tonight I feel sort of how she must feel after she has once again been banished from my room.. Kind of like: Arggggghhh, will I ever get it right?"

I keep making the same error in one aspect of my life.

I maintain the same course of action every time I am in this situation.  Nine times out of ten, the result is not in my favour.  So you would think that perhaps with these kinds of odds against me, I would attempt a new course upon entering the ring for the following round... but no.. Not I!!!

Isn't something missing?

Perhaps I should finally lay down new rules of engagement for this particular test in my time here on this rock?

Excellent idea Kerren :)

Right.. Rules of Engagement:

1.   Start how you mean to finish.

2.  Engage both head and heart

3.  Remember that growth is the goal

4.  Remember that truth is the ultimate communication

5.  At all times remain open - do not build walls

6.  However, pay attention when your instincts warn caution

7.  Live without regret

How long until my soul gets it right?

Let it be this time...

How I feel tonight

Times.. they are a changing...

Ok people.. I know it has been forever since I have written.. there is a very good reason for this.  Some of you who are involved in my personal world will already know what I am about to say.  For those who know me only through this blog.. brace yourselves.

The reason I have not been here in so long is because I have been through a metamorphosis in the past 18 months.  All my readers will know that I have been struggling with demons for over a year.. a few of them.  And while some of them are still with me, and probably always will be, I have laid one to rest.

The demon that I have laid to rest is my sexuality.  My whole life I have lived as a straight woman, while all the while being aware that I have an interest in woman....  It is no longer just an interest.  That's right people.. I am gay.  GAY... completely homosexually oriented.  I know, rather a shock right?  It has been rather a shock for me too (not to mention for my family and friends), but the truth is, when I look back, the signs were always there.. I just wasn't paying attention.

So where I stand now is that Adam and I are divorcing.  This has been such a devastating year for both of us, but the way he has handled it has proven to me over and over again that I chose him as my husband for very obvious reasons.  His maturity, love, compassion and above-all his never-ending defence of me to people who were less than accepting has earned my eternal gratitude and respect.  He is the father of my children, the person I have spent all of my adult life with, and the man I will love until the day I die.

Having said that... I can no longer deny who I am .. nor do I want to.  On top of that, Adam deserves so much better than I can now offer him.  We will always be in each others lives - not only for the boys, but because he is incredibly important to me and I want to walk the rest of my life with him at my side.

I have lost more friends and family than I originally thought I would.. And yet, the people who have stayed at my side, as well as people I did not expect support from, added to the new friends I have made, are providing me with a support system that carries me through the dark days.

There is much I need to tell you.. but this is enough for one day...

I am back.. and I am dying to write about so many things.. I hope that you will continue to walk my path with me.

Shake your money-maker old girl!

Anolther vicious criminal brought to justice!



Last week a South African man was convicted of assault - now this in itself is not very unusual I hear you say, and you would be correct.  What makes this story so unusual is that Daryl Peense assaulted our President, Jacob Zuma.

Daryl assaulted The President in a vicious, premeditated and most unsettling manner... Please note that the assault I am about to describe is particularly vicious - if you are a sensitive or underage reader, please be aware that the following may upset you.. you have been warned...  The vicious and bloodthirsty assault that Daryl subjected our President to was to accidentally spill his drink near The President!!!  I know dear reader, I am as shocked and outraged by Daryl's psychotic and heinous behaviour as you.  I am astounded that someone of Daryl's level of mental illness has managed to fly under the radar and function in a "normal" society for as long as he has!

All sarcasm aside...

This is the first time I have felt compelled to blog in months!  This story has me absolutely flabbergasted!  Daryl is quoted as saying that yes, he was drunk (who isn't at the races?)  and as Zuma walked by, people were pushing and shoving to get a look at the President.  Daryl was bumped, and accidentally spilt a slight amount of the drink near Zuma.

Has the world completely lost the plot???  How can a person be convicted of assault for spilling a drink near another person?  I mean really.. that would mean that most of us would be able to lay a charge of assault against dozens of people.  It is absolutely ridiculous! 

Or perhaps it comes down to the fact the Zuma is better than the rest of us?  Perhaps it is acceptable to spill your drink near a commoner, but it is considered assault if you spill it near The President?  Having said that, is The President not a public servant?  Was he not elected by the people to run our country according to the wishes of the people?  Then again, he must be above the rest of us, given that he is a card carrying member of the ANC.. and my long suffering readers know what that means!  (For those of you who don't know, please click here.)

Our courts are swamped with cases waiting to be heard... real cases... like rape, murder and abuse, and yet it is acceptable to waste the courts time with a case like Daryl's.  It makes me sick to my stomach.. Every day I lose a little more faith...

Leaves me speechless

It is this kind of thinking that will keep my country on its knees... Makes my heart very sore...

Adele - Someone Like You

Beautiful... She is fast becoming one of my favourite artists!

Bad complete, ugly complete and now for the good...

So the last two (thoughts) posts were about my bad points.. I thought perhaps it was time to focus on something good..

So I took this test on Strengthfinder.com, which is designed to find your strengths.. and it spews out your top 5 in order of intensity.. I have to say that I do see myself here.. and it is nice to look at something good for a change..

Also.. I saw DrKakka today... and we spoke about a sensitive topic.. and then he said something that clicked in my head.. I literally heard my brain changing.. so watch this space.. I will blog it tomorrow..

Empathy

You can sense the emotions of those around you. You can feel what they are feeling as though their feelings are your own. Intuitively, you are able to see the world through their eyes and share their perspective. You do not necessarily agree with each person’s perspective. You do not necessarily feel pity for each person’s predicament—this would be sympathy, not Empathy. You do not necessarily condone the choices each person makes, but you do understand. This instinctive ability to understand is powerful. You hear the unvoiced questions. You anticipate the need. Where others grapple for words, you seem to find the right words and the right tone. You help people find the right phrases to express their feelings—to themselves as well as to others. You help them give voice to their emotional life. For all these reasons other people are drawn to you.

Activator

“When can we start?” This is a recurring question in your life. You are impatient for action. You may concede that analysis has its uses or that debate and discussion can occasionally yield some valuable insights, but deep down you know that only action is real. Only action can make things happen. Only action leads to performance. Once a decision is made, you cannot not act. Others may worry that “there are still some things we don’t know,” but this doesn’t seem to slow you. If the decision has been made to go across town, you know that the fastest way to get there is to go stoplight to stoplight. You are not going to sit around waiting until all the lights have turned green. Besides, in your view, action and thinking are not opposites. In fact, guided by your Activator theme, you believe that action is the best device for learning. You make a decision, you take action, you look at the result, and you learn. This learning informs your next action and your next. How can you grow if you have nothing to react to? Well, you believe you can’t. You must put yourself out there. You must take the next step. It is the only way to keep your thinking fresh and informed. The bottom line is this: You know you will be judged not by what you say, not by what you think, but by what you get done. This does not frighten you. It pleases you.

Command

Command leads you to take charge. Unlike some people, you feel no discomfort with imposing your views on others. On the contrary, once your opinion is formed, you need to share it with others. Once your goal is set, you feel restless until you have aligned others with you. You are not frightened by confrontation; rather, you know that confrontation is the first step toward resolution. Whereas others may avoid facing up to life’s unpleasantness, you feel compelled to present the facts or the truth, no matter how unpleasant it may be. You need things to be clear between people and challenge them to be clear-eyed and honest. You push them to take risks. You may even intimidate them. And while some may resent this, labeling you opinionated, they often willingly hand you the reins. People are drawn toward those who take a stance and ask them to move in a certain direction. Therefore, people will be drawn to you. You have presence. You have Command.

Communication

You like to explain, to describe, to host, to speak in public, and to write. This is your Communication theme at work. Ideas are a dry beginning. Events are static. You feel a need to bring them to life, to energize them, to make them exciting and vivid. And so you turn events into stories and practice telling them. You take the dry idea and enliven it with images and examples and metaphors. You believe that most people have a very short attention span. They are bombarded by information, but very little of it survives. You want your information—whether an idea, an event, a product’s features and benefits, a discovery, or a lesson—to survive. You want to divert their attention toward you and then capture it, lock it in. This is what drives your hunt for the perfect phrase. This is what draws you toward dramatic words and powerful word combinations. This is why people like to listen to you. Your word pictures pique their interest, sharpen their world, and inspire them to act.

Deliberative

You are careful. You are vigilant. You are a private person. You know that the world is an unpredictable place. Everything may seem in order, but beneath the surface you sense the many risks. Rather than denying these risks, you draw each one out into the open. Then each risk can be identified, assessed, and ultimately reduced. Thus, you are a fairly serious person who approaches life with a certain reserve. For example, you like to plan ahead so as to anticipate what might go wrong. You select your friends cautiously and keep your own counsel when the conversation turns to personal matters. You are careful not to give too much praise and recognition, lest it be misconstrued. If some people don’t like you because you are not as effusive as others, then so be it. For you, life is not a popularity contest. Life is something of a minefield. Others can run through it recklessly if they so choose, but you take a different approach. You identify the dangers, weigh their relative impact, and then place your feet deliberately. You walk with care.

Flash Republic - Twister

I love this song...No matter what mood I am in, or what is happening, if I hear this song I just have to get up and shake my tail feathers!

4 Days, 8 Hours, 42 Minutes and 12 Seconds

On Sunday morning, Justice (our ever-entertaining gardener) hit a water pipe outside our house - I would like it noted for the record please that this is not the first time he has hit this pipe!

I immediately got on the phone and called our local municipality.. well.. I say immediately, but it took me about 30 minutes to get them to answer.. When they finally answered, the lady on the other end was very helpful.. she gave me a reference number and promised me that someone would come round to fix it asap..  I felt very hopeful .. and optimistic that it would be fixed within a few hours..

1 hour
2 hours
3 hours..

grrrr

On Monday morning I called again.. and gave them (in my most professional voice) my reference number and asked for an update..  I was told that we were in the queue and they would get to it before the end of the day.

On Monday evening I was told the same thing..

What you need to understand is that we had to switch the water off to our property...So.. two small boys, on big boy, 3 dogs, a cat and little old me.. with no water for days... grrr

On Tuesday morning I called and by now I am a little agitated... and I am told in a less than friendly voice that we are at a priority 3 level and it will probably only be fixed when we reach priority 1.

On Tuesday evening I call again and get the same response..

On Wednesday morning I call and throw my toys out of the cot.. huffing.. puffing.. and generally threatening them with all kinds of media coverage and exposure..

By Wednesday evening I am positively spitting mad.. Then I get a call from Linda (my mother-in-law's sister) and she very kindly gives me the mobile number and name of our local councillor.

I called him at 17:30 - and let him have it!  At 17:40 he calls me back to say that if it has not been fixed by 19:00 I should call him back.  At 18:15 he arrives at my house and 5 minutes later the repair team arrive..

Our water is now sorted and working perfectly again..

Just goes to show.. that old saying, "its not what you know, but who you know" really is true..



Make more babies for the revolution!

So I know that I have added a cartoon about this.. because on one hand it is so very funny and ridiculous.  However, it is also incredibly sad.. and insane.

Julius.. ahhh Julius.. you are seriously losing your mind..

And yes.. just in case you are wondering.. this is no joke.. Julius was quoted as saying that black women should have more babies for the revolution!  Hold up a second.. I thought the revolution has already done what it was meant to do.. We have freedom for all in South Africa.. Everyone created equal.. so who is he trying to revolt against now?

Are there not enough orphaned and starving children in our country?

Enough said..

Who Do I Want To Be?

So this is part 2 of my assignment for DrKakka for this week... If you have not read part 1, please click here

So part 2 comes about because I am meant to look forward.  In part 1 I was reflective, looking back.. trying to figure out how I got here.  Am I who I am because of the things that happened in my life, or did those things happen because of who I am?

Now he wants me to write about who I want to be.. In an ideal world, who would I choose to be..  While this may sound easy, it is actually a very difficult and complicated task for me - not withstanding the fact that my mind is empty and I am struggling to form this post...

Firstly, I want to be good.. but what does good mean?  Is it different for everyone?  Does it change according to one's own moral compass?  I think it does, so I am going to write this piece about my opinion of goodness, which does not necessarily reflect goodness in its true form.

How do you even start with something like this?  I keep trying to find the words.. normally they flow.. and I have wasted half a page on drivel.. I thought it would help me start.. but there is nothing.. my mind is blank and my head is empty... arrrgggggghhhhhh... help.. make the words come..

tick

tock

tick

tock...

Ok.. I have a plan.. See the reason I have been stumbling is because I have been trying to formulate the words in a specific order... the character traits in an order of importance.. and I have failed.. So.. I have decided to write as the words come and in no particular order.

Firstly, I would like to make decisions in my life based on truth and not based on fear.  I want to make choices that are right rather than choices that are safe.  I want to come from a place of strength.

How do I achieve this?  The most important thing I think is that I need to know who I am, and not only who I am, but accept the good, the bad and the ugly about myself.

I want to be honest.  I want to stop being frightened of people not liking me - as this leads me to be manipulative instead of honest.

I want to be responsible.  I want to place more value in delayed gratification as apposed to instant gratification.  This means I want to be less impulsive.  I am extremely impulsive, I make decisions based on emotion of the here and now rather than on long term scenarios.

I want to be compatible with life.  What I mean is, I want to be in harmony with my life and those around me.  Fight less love more.

Loyalty.  I want to be loyal to those I love.  I want to make choices based on my love and loyalty for them rather than my impulsive nature.

I want to trust  - this is a huge one for me.. I don't trust anyone... not completely anyway.  It is a terrible thing to admit - and must be very difficult for those I love most.. Even Adam, who has been part of my intimate world for longer than anyone else - I still have trust issues with him.  I know where they come from, and why they are here, but this does not make it any easier.

I want to have faith in myself - I want to stop doubting every thought in my head and start believing in my abilities.  Even when I make a sound decision I question it.. and then question that decision too..

I want to be more than a good enough mother..and this is an area I feel loads of guilt in, as I know many mothers do.. Its difficult to know sometimes whether you are doing the right thing or not.. And I know we are all going to make mistakes...but hopefully they are only small ones..

I have been trying to complete this post for two days.. but it has been like pulling teeth.. very painful..

So..

End of Part 2

On days like today

Missing you so much today.. will the wound ever heal?

Who am I?

Writer's Block - not entirely true..

I do have a post going round and round in my head.. the words driving me crazy.. making noise in the quiet moments of my life.. I know I must release them or they will just get louder and louder.  However, as with so many of these types of posts of mine, I have been unsure as to whether I should keep it to myself or subject the world to more of my insanity.. And then I remembered what DrKakka said yesterday when he gave me this assignment.. He said, "Not only should you write about it, but you should blog about it".  He is of the opinion that it would be interesting to not only see if I get any comments, but also to see what the comments are.  He has asked me to print any comments and bring them to our next "Brain Picking" session...

So here goes..

Firstly, the assignment is this:  Write a fleshed out piece on who I want to be.  This is not to do with career or opportunities, but rather to do with my character.  As most of my regular readers must be aware by now, I am struggling...desperately with my character.  Who I am... whether I like this person or not.. and whether I see myself in truth or through a "broken mirror".

That is the task he set.. and here is my response..

DrKakka told me a story yesterday..He said..

"I had a woman come to see me a few years ago.  She was desperately afraid of her abusive ex-husband.  When I asked her if they are still married and if he still lives in the same house, her response astounded me.  She said, "no, he died 2.5 years ago"."

He let this sink in.. he said nothing to me.. he waited for me to respond.

I said, "That is insane.  How can she be afraid of someone who is no longer alive?"

He said, "Kerren.. Don't you see, your fear is the same thing.  The thing you are afraid of is not dead, but your fear is based on the same principle.  The rest of the world can see that you are no longer in danger, and yet you are so deeply inside of this thing that you cannot see it.

While I see the point he was trying to make, it holds no ground with me.  My situation is different.  I am no longer afraid of the thing itself, but rather of "imprint" it left on my character.. on my soul.. The way it shaped who I am today.. Not only that, I am afraid that this "thing" may have been right.. Perhaps it is not the horror in my past that shaped who I am, but rather the horror exists because of who I am...This thought terrifies me.. gives me nightmares... It keeps me locked in an eternal vacuum of doubt..

Don't you see what it means?  It means that if I was not me, if I was different in character, soul and personality then the horror would never have come to my life.  It means that because of who I am.. because of the very nature of my being.. the person I was born to be... I deserved the horror.

Had I been born less flighty in character.. or loud in personality.. or absent minded by nature, I would not deserve the horror.  Which means that the horror is my fault.. that it lives inside of me... that I was not necessarily wronged because it was only due to my lack of "being better" that this thing came about.

If only I was better
stronger
better behaved
loving of heart
purer of soul
If I would just think more
be proactive
do what I know I must
work harder

If only I was better then it would not have happened..

I have sat here for 10 minutes trying to decide whether to include the next paragraph or not.. If I do include it, will you see it for what it is, or will it just make my insanity look more pathetic?  But truth is not truth without full disclosure..

I know that this post may seem a little like a cry for attention.. I get that.. I would probably think it was if I saw it on someone else's blog.. But trust me when I say that these are very real questions for me.. and not based on any need to hear people tell me I am fabulous - for even when they do I do not believe it.  These questions are very real for me.. and based so deeply inside of me that it has taken me 35 years on this planet to be able to tell the world about them...

End of Part 1

The words wont come...

I have writer's block... grrr.. I hate it... I have absolutely nothing to write about...

Any ideas?  Anything you would like to see me write about?

Come on.. let me have it.. anything you like...

Round and round I go...

It is 03:40am and I cannot sleep.. Normally I would blog now..  The house is quiet.. everyone (in their right minds) is asleep.. and it is easy to type..

However, I am still struggling with the effects of the concussion.. and sitting at the pc typing makes me feel sea-sick..

So I apologise for my silence.. but I am sure I will be typing up a storm come next week..

Shake, Rattle and Roll!

On Saturday evening Adam and I were in my car, we had gone out for dinner.  We were out in the country, on a very dark road..  As you guessed by now, we had an accident.. One minute I was doing something with my phone and the next I heard Adam swear loudly.. then we were flying.. then the world was upside down.. I remember thinking abut the noise in my ears..and then it occurred to me that it was a combination of breaking glass and me screaming.. It happened so quickly.. and so slowly.

We are both ok.. We walked away from it, which I think is a great testament to my car - I have always loved my car, but I now have a new level of respect for the Honda Jazz.  She was put under extreme stress and she held together like a champ.  Neither one of us was seriously injured and the car could look a whole lot worse...She has my undying devotion for protecting us...

 We are both astounded that this was the only damage to the rim.. it hit the pavement pretty hard.

 Yes.. my front tyres are no longer where they should be...

 From this angle you can see how skew the car is.. you can see that the passenger side roof is dented in and the drivers side is popped out..

 Poor baby.. so broken...

 This is the photo that really gets me.. you can see how hard we hit on the roof just above the window..

So I have concussion.. and it will take a few days to pass.. and sitting at the pc makes me feel nauseous.. so I am going to stop now.. will be back in a bit...

For Jorga

For my daughter on her day...

You are in my heart today and always..

It hurts too much to write today...

Lesson(s) my Son learned today..



This is how it went:

Me: "Caleb, don't lean too far over the edge my love, that water is dirty, and you don't want to fall in".

Caleb: "oooooh Mom, I am not a baby like Daniel, I can take care of myself".

Me: "Ok Caleb, but if you fall in, you know I am not coming in to get you.. who knows what is under that water".

Caleb: " Yeessssss Mom... 'sigh'".

10 minutes pass...

Splash.. followed by screaming.. high-pitched distressed screaming...

Caleb: "Mom.. sob sob sob.. hurry.. come get me out before something bad gets my feet.... sob sob scream sob".

I run over.. naturally.. haul him out.. he is wet up to his armpits..

Sitting down on the grass 5 minutes later.. hugging my "big boy" to my chest.. rocking gently..

Me: "Its ok my love, nothing got you.. and Mommy came to save you quickly".

Caleb: "Sob.. thanks Mom".

Me: "See my boy.. sometimes Mommy says things for a reason.. not just to spoil your fun".

Caleb: "Yes mom.. sorry Mom".

Ahhhh.. another small victory for mothers everywhere!

You have got to be shitting me...

Hello Powers that Be.. it's me again... and I respectfully ask.. ARE YOU INSANE???  Have you completely lost all rational thought? You have got to be shitting me???

Ok.. let me back up a second..

Recently (a few weeks ago) I was feeling strong, I had a game-plan, I was making progress and I was feeling optimistic.. this has now changed..

I am not in a happy place right now..

There are a few things (apart from the obvious) that are playing on my mind.. for one thing I feel like I am slowly being smothered by a blanket.. I am tired.. very tired.. All I want to do is sleep all the time.. I feel sad.. a lot of the time..and I am just without energy and drive.

It is Jorga's EDD in three days.. and this, as always, is weighing heavy on my heart.  Today when I was looking for a picture to attach to this blog I typed in the words "Are you insane?" and Google brought up a whole bunch of pictures for me to pick from.. but there was one which made me gag.. and then I sat at my machine and cried for a few minutes.. it was a picture of a still-born term baby.. thrown in a bucket.. There is so much I could write on this.. but I think its pretty obvious how I feel.. So in light of the fact that I am already feeling depressed and weepy, I will leave this topic.. perhaps for another day.. perhaps I will never blog it.. who knows..

On top of this, I am feeling  very depressed about my weight.  The scale says I have picked up 1 or 2kgs in the past month.. I know I am comfort eating again.. and I am struggling to get it under control..  I know that gaining a couple of kgs vs the 24kgs that I lost is nothing.. But all I see when I stand naked in front of the mirror is the mountain I was last year.. and it is seriously depressing me.. It is difficult though because I do not feel motivated to get on the bike at all.. I just want to sleep all the time.. zzzzz...

Add to this the enormous pile of things I should be accomplishing both in the house and in the garden and I just feel overwhelmed.. I am sure if I tackled a little every day.. say one project a day, I would feel some sense of accomplishment.. but I have no desire to do anything... except eat.. and sleep..

Today when I fetched Caleb from school I was informed that his class have been separated from the rest of the school due to an outbreak of chicken-pox in his class..  3 Children have come down with it over the weekend and they are expecting more.. None of my three boys (the big one included) have had it.  Yes, they have all been vaccinated against it, but so have the 3 children who are currently suffering with it.. so this is no guarantee.  So now I am wondering if we will escape it, or will this horrid disease rear its ugly head in my home..

Tomorrow I see DrKakka.. and I have no energy for it.. no desire to go.. If it were not for the fact that at least 3 people in my life would drag me there kicking and screaming if I tried to get out of it, I would cancel the appointment..

So.. why the picture of Zola Budd you may ask?  Well, Zola Budd is/was one of the greatest runners South Africa has ever produced.. And it is a standing joke in our house that when things get too tough or difficult for me, I want to run..  So I figured, given how I am feeling now, a picture of her would be appropriate..

Run Kerren Run...

The first step is admitting you have a problem...

Hello Darkness My Old Friend...

The mist rolls in on winds of hurt

And with it comes its ever constant companion..

Insomnia

Swirling around me in deceptively calm motions

So gentle from afar.. but in truth dense as the night itself

Filling my lungs..leaving droplets on my skin

Claustrophobic in its embrace and yet isolating in its despair

I know now as I have always known

That I need to hold on for the dawn

Dawn brings clarity

And at least the deception of strength

And yet the warmth of the sun is many moments away

Moments that last an eternity

The night drains my faith

As surely as the sun restores my soul

In this moment I am lost

Blinded

I long for the sure-footedness of day

In the darkness I stumble

I look to the east for the rising of faith

Hold on..

The Chicken or the Bribe?

I wonder how God feels about bribery?  I guess it is only a sin if you are not a card carrying member of the ANC - If this makes no sense to you, then you need to read this post.

We have local elections coming up in the near future, and it seems that certain councillors are trying very innovative ways of winning votes.. Gone are the days of campaigning to your community.. No more will they stand up in front of the crowds and declare their beliefs and points of understanding!  How antiquated the thought of telling the people how you want to help them.. or how you plan to improve their lives..No no, these are methods that are clearly not winning votes.. So.. the question is, how are the "fee pass into Heaven" ANC going to win votes?

That's easy... lets bribe the people with chicken.. "One Chicken One Vote" is the new slogan for our leading party!

"Community members are up in arms in ward 60 in Katlehong, Ekurhuleni, over claims that councillor John Thaba gave out chicken packs, money and alcohol to win votes in Sphamandla informal settlement. At least eight community members confirmed the chicken bribe claims.

Thaba would neither confirm nor deny the allegations levelled against him. “You can put it in the newspaper; it is not going to make any difference. I am still going to be a councillor. I can’t say whether they are lying or not,” he said, ending the call.
An employee of a major retail shop in the area said: “People came here with big trolleys and bought all the chicken. There was nothing left.”
A community member warned that councillors are taking advantage of poor people. After Sphamandla residents were fed chicken on the evening of January 8, they were then transported in a truck to a local school where they voted in favour of Thaba, said a source.
An elderly woman said her neighbours received chicken portions. “JT (Thaba) fed these people.”
A community leader said the gogo sitting in front of him on voting day unknowingly blurted out the chicken bribe scandal. “I overheard this old woman saying, ‘is he (Thaba) the one who gave us chicken yesterday’. She was not aware that it was supposed to be a secret,” the leader said." News24.com

All joking aside, I am absolutely disgusted by this story...

This man is using this community's most basic need against them - instead of helping them.  The people living in this area live in poverty.  They often do not know where their next meal is coming from.  And here is this man bribing them with food to get their votes!

I cannot blame this community for taking the bribe - if I were not able to feed my boys, if they were going to bed hungry most nights, and someone offered me a bag of chicken in exchange for my vote, I would take it in a heartbeat..  It would be very easy for me to sit here and judge and say, "but don't they understand that if he is willing to use bribery now, imagine the kind of corrupt behaviour he will exude once in power?"  He is focused on power.. nothing else.. but do you really think that matters to the mother of hungry children?

I know I am not alone when I say that I long for a party I can believe in.. I know that nobody is perfect.. and that there are underhanded things that happen in every area of politics to a greater or lesser degree.. I just wish I could find someone (or a party) who I can at least have some faith in..

Show me the light.. show me the way... Where can I make my X and feel proud of the choice I have made?

For my children..

So many things happening in my life right now.. so much occupying my mind..but no matter how busy I get, something will always happen that reminds me that the clock is ticking.. that the days are passing.. that once again the date draws near...

Jorga's EDD (Expected Date of Delivery) is drawing near.. Even after 7 years I still feel her passing as if it were yesterday...

It is always around this time of year and in the quiet moments that I miss her most.  Recently on Facebook someone made a comment that Adam and I should have a third child.. that we should try for a girl.. and everything inside me just crumbled.. I have a daughter, we are just separated.. but I know I will see you again one day my baby girl.. one day.. I just have to hang on.. and in the meantime your brothers keep me strong..

Mommy loves you honey
xxx

Photo Friday

 This is the mask Caleb and Zel made for Caleb to wear to school today - they all had to make one.. and I am not very creative.. Last year's mask was a disaster...lol.. This child is snake crazy.. and I mean CRAZY!  The mask is really awesome don't you think?

 The terrors..pretending they are sleeping so they can give me a fright..lol.. sweet little things!

This is what BabyBear looks like when he is really asleep.. how cute is this pose?

The only man who can get you into Heaven...

Ok.. so it has been a while since I have posted anything political.. that is due to the fact that nothing has grabbed my attention enough that I feel I need to write about it or my head will explode.. However, that has now changed..  This post has been bobbing around my brain for a few days, but due to my
preoccupation with my own drama, it has had to wait until today...

As you all know, I have been battling demons in recent months, and one of them is whether I am a good person or not.. Am I going to heaven or hell?  This question has now been answered for me.. I have a fool-proof plan of how to get into heaven.. All I need do is become a card carrying member of the ANC.. As long as I vote ANC from this day forward I will go to heaven - no matter anything else that I may do in my life!

How can I be so sure you may ask.. Well the answer is simple, a few days ago, Jacob Zuma (South Africa's President), said to supporters in Mthatha in the Eastern Cape: "When you vote for the ANC, you are also choosing to go to heaven. When you don't vote for the ANC you should know that you are choosing that man who carries a fork...who cooks people... "When you are carrying an ANC membership card, you are blessed. When you get up there, there are different cards used but when you have an ANC card, you will be let through to go to heaven."

Say What???

I wonder what God thinks of this?  I trust that he has his membership to the ANC paid-up.. otherwise he may be facing eviction.. Interesting concept. 

Another interesting question is who will be standing at the Pearly Gates.. hmmm... Could it be Saint Julius Malema?  Now wouldn't that be something?  I wonder if he knows he cannot have his mansion, fleet of cars and Rolex at the gates.. or perhaps because he is a member of the ANC he will be allowed to take these with him?

To all my international readers.. you have been warned.. Pay your membership to the ANC or you will be cooked by the man with the fork!

Amen!


They say the truth will set you free...

Yesterday turned out to be a very difficult day for me.

I knew that when I posted in the guest blog about self esteem there would be consequences; I also knew that there would be people who would not want me to post the things that I did, but I chose to write and express those thoughts because they are my truth.. and a truth that I have been hiding for so long and it is time to set it free, both from the insanity in my brain and to just stand up and be counted.. it was time..

(I know you cannot see this for the writing will just flow as you read it, but I am sitting at my desk now at 03:46 trying to formulate the words that need to be written.. but also attempting to verbalise them in a way that will be less harmful to others).

This post may be a little disjointed.. but I will try to pull it together at the end.. I beg your indulgence...

One of the questions that has plagued me for years is, "Was it as bad as I remember it.. or has my brain made adjustments over time due to my constant rehashing of the memories?"

DrKakka has answered this question for me in the past months.. He put it like this:

It does not matter whether my story is worse or less than someone elses.  It does not matter whether someone else suffered fewer consequences due to more severe trauma.  It does not matter if the memories have become distorted over time.  It does not matter if other people think I am creating a storm in a tea-cup.  It does not matter if there are people out there who could have dealt with the trauma I experienced without the need for therapy.  None of this matters.. The only thing that matters is that the trauma to me was severe enough, for me, that it is still affecting my daily life.. that I am still traumatised by it, and that I am AGAIN seeking counselling to come to terms with it..  Other peoples perception of my trauma matters not.. only my truth surrounding these events matters in my recovery.

And it is only since he explained it to me in that way that I have stopped feeling guilty for not being able to come to terms with it... that is.. until yesterday...

Yesterday the following sentence was written by a third party who only knows of my trauma through word of mouth after the fact: "but it's the truth that most people tend to ignore and focus on their own version to try and find comfort..."

And this is where I get angry... very angry.. and this is what has kept me from sleep tonight..  Now, granted, I may be interpreting this sentence incorrectly, and it may mean something completely different.. but every time I read it I feel "The Bitch" prowling the recesses of my mind... I feel the rage building.. and I know that I need to give her voice.. she was silenced for long enough... 

"find comfort"???  You really think that any part of what I am admitting to brings me comfort???  It was the worst experience of my life.  It has shaped and distorted all my relationships since then.  It erodes my self esteem.  It keeps me from trusting everyone and anyone who comes into my world.  It has made me cynical and aggressive to so many people who are only trying to help.  It has confused me and bashed at my confidence in myself and my abilities for 30 years.. and yet you say that I am trying to find comfort???

There is no comfort in this.. the only comfort I will find is when I finally spit it all out.. let it all go.. and know that it will no longer define who I am..

And as for ignoring the truth... Two people can experience the same story.. and yet have very different truths.. it does not make their truth any less valid..

Let me paint you a picture...

Wimbledon final...

Player A plays the best game of her life... She is on form.. she is strong .. and she is accurate..

Player B has the worst game of her life... Her form is completely off.. she is weak.. and her shots miss their target completely..

It is a walk over.. Player B is defeated so soundly that she refuses to play again..

Both parties experienced truth in this game... but their truths are completely different..

And so I will continue to speak my truth.. I will continue to heal myself.. for my sake as well as for the people closest to me.. I will not be silenced.. and I will not allow ignorance of my truth to make my reality any less valid...

Can you hear the crazy laugh?

Oh look.. it is Tuesday... and what does that mean folks? 

That's right.. you guessed it.. It is DrKakka day... yay lucky me!

Last week when I spoke to him about my inner bitch, he apologised for not showing her enough respect.. and for not taking her seriously enough..  Then he told me that my homework for this week is to research how you retrain a dog that has been abused.  He explained that when I described the spitting snarling rabid bitch behind the fence, she is probably more frightened than I am.. and it would be wise for us to know what we are getting into before we open the gate completely.. Not only that, we need to have a game-plan on how to deal with her initially, as well as how we are going to help her get past her fear and conditioning..

I know I know.. it sounds odd right?  That I need to research how to retrain an abused dog for my therapy session today..  But if I have learnt anything over the past months with DrKakka, it is that I have complete faith in him.. he has never let me down.. he builds trust.. and so if this is what he thinks I need to do for this weeks session, then this is what I will do..

There is only one problem.. I am struggling to focus..

I am a little distracted.. you see, I found a lump.  It is about the size of a pea..it is pretty hard.. it doesn't hurt.. I know that it is probably nothing.. very certainly nothing.. Surely if I were ill I would feel it?  And yet even having said that, there is still a very small voice whispering in my head "what if?'  Yes yes, I am completely aware that I am a Drama Queen - guilty as charged.. but...  It is still making me a little nervous.. There have just been so many people in my world affected by that illness, that I cannot help feeling a little stirring of concern in my tummy somewhere..

Eish.. But perhaps that is just an excuse to avoid my homework... Really don't feel like doing it.. but I guess I must.. wouldn't want to get into trouble with DrKakka..

Right.. homework time!

You think the other one was bad?



So.. if you think some of my posts in the recent past have been very personal and hectic, then you aint seen nothing yet!

Last week I participated in a Guest Blog.  It is run every week for women by a woman, and it concerns their self esteem.  It was very difficult for me to write - it was very honest, way more honest and in detail than anything I have posted on my blog to do with my insanity.  And I have spent the past 4 days trying to decide whether to post it on my blog or not.

You see, most of the feedback I have received lately about my very personal and painful posts has been very positive, but one or two people have hinted that perhaps it is TMI for my blog..  While I respect their opinions, I do not agree with them.  Part of what my blog is about is a place for me to be able to express without consequence.. It is my contribution to healing myself.. I love to write.. and I find it liberating to be able to send it out to the big wide world and let it go.  I think it helps me let it go if I give it to the world..

Anyway...

This guest post that I did for another blog sheds some light on the demons I am currently dealing with - On my blog I never give specifics, but on that blog I did... so.. I have decided to not post it here (for fear of shocking some of the old folk out of their socks), but it was a very healing post for me and one I am very proud of myself for having the courage to write...

Long story short.. If you would like to read it, please either mail me (kerrenr@gmail.com) or leave a comment here with your contact details and I will forward the link to you!

Happy Blogging!

Real or Not?

The Lady Bloggers Society - Writing Challenge

The Best Thing I Can Do For The World Is...

The best thing I can do for the world is to continue to challenge every belief system I have been taught but do not necessarily agree with...

Growing up in South Africa in the 80's meant I was exposed to a great deal of hate speech.  This was predominantly to do with racism, but also to do with many different types of prejudice.

As you all know by now, I am in a cycle of self-discovery, healing and change, and something that is very important to me now is that people do not judge me without knowing the facts. 

Anyone who knows me knows that I will not tolerate any kind of hate speech - especially around the boys.  I do not want them growing up with the same hatred in their hearts and minds that my generation was exposed to.  If you asked me to pick one life lesson that I think is most important for my boys to learn it would be "live and let live".

As a child and more importantly, as a teenager, I was taught (or heard) a great deal of prejudice, and when these lessons are taught to you during your foundation years they very often become part of your reality.  It is a constant choice (and even battle) for me to make up my own mind about prejudice-type topics.  My "knee-jerk" reaction in certain situations is to condemn people who do not come from the same race, culture, religion, economic standing etc that I was raised in - and I have fought all my life against these spontaneous thoughts because I do not agree with them.. at all... I am a firm believer in "live and let live".. not only do I believe in it, I practice it every day.  And even in this day and age I am exposed to prejudice all the time - but gone are the days where I will let these "voices" have any space or time in my existence.

The best thing I can do for the world is to ensure that the part I play in raising tomorrows generation is to instill a belief of love, honour and mutual respect; for it is only in this way that the scars of the past will heal once and for all in my beloved South Africa.

Wordless Wednesday...

When you gotta go...

Red or Pink?

I have become a member of The Lady Bloggers Society.  I know I am a day late with this, but I only found it today, and the Red or Pink challenge is speaking to me with a connection to my post of yesterday... so I am going to post it today!

Red or Pink?

When I think of these two colours at the moment, I see where I am and where I would like to be..

Red represents the rage and fear that I am currently facing... It is the colour of blood.. it lets us know we are alive no matter how much it may hurt.. I see red.. I feel it... I am desperately trying to make my way out of it... It is a hard colour... it is in your face.. and it is stubborn..

Pink represents the gentler feeling I am working so hard to find.. it is the colour of roses... and rose tinted glasses.. it is a soft colour.. it is calm.. it evokes feelings of all things girlie.. Pink is loving.. caring.. and easy on my soul..

The irony that Red is the colour of love for the commercial world but the colour of rage for me has not escaped me..

These two colours are so close and yet in such contrast for me when I align them with my current emotions...

I see Red
I long for Pink

One baby step at a time...

A tiny coming together of energy...

This picture is pretty much how I feel at the moment...

There is so much coming together... so many things on my mind.. so many things that require my undivided attention.. and I am struggling to prioritise.

I know that certain things are more important than others, but the ones I should really be focusing on seem to slip through the cracks of the constant slug of daily life.  Most of the time I feel like I am running around like a headless chicken.. making no progress, but never slowing down.

Today I see DrKakka again.. I keep looking at the clock knowing that the time is ticking down.. knowing that very soon now I will be sitting in that chair and he will be poking away at my brain.. eish.. My brain does not want to be poked at today.. all I really want to do is crawl back into bed and hide from the insanity that I know, without a doubt, he will release in today's session...

So I ask myself.. "why am I doing this?"  Why am I putting myself and my family through this stress and tension?  I have lived for 35 years with all of this bottled up inside me and perhaps I have not been the most stable or happy person on the planet, but I have coped...  Which leads me to wonder if perhaps it is not better to just put the lid back on... close the doors.. seal the gate... and let sleeping dogs lie.  The problem, is that the dogs are already awake.. I have blown a whistle straight into the ear of the dominant female.. and it is now impossible to put her back to sleep without a tranquiliser gun... 

I feel her pacing the dark corners of my mind.. and she is angry.. very angry... I woke her from her slumber and she is demanding payment for my insubordination. 

You see, her and I, we had an agreement.. I let her sleep, and she lets me live under the blanket of denial that her slumber provides.  But I burnt the blanket.. and now there is no turning back..

My conscious mind knows that I must calm her... understand her.. and release her from her prison if I am ever to have the chance of peace in my insanity...  It seemed so easy when I started therapy.  I figured that if I just faced her... let her voice be heard.. then all would be well..  She would have her say and be done with it.. and then my mind could rest once and for all.. But the closer I am getting, the more difficult it is becoming..  If I have to put it into a picture for you, then it looks like this:

Every week when I see DrKakka, he walks with me to the gate of the slumbering bitch.. He shows me where the key is hidden.. and he asks me to open the gate... I feel strong.. I am sure I can do this.. but as I move towards the gate, the bitter taste of bile and terror rise in my throat.. and I know, with a certainty that I cannot explain, that this could go very bad..  Instead of the bitch having her say and moving on, there is a very real possibility that she will drag me back into the cage with her.. That she is stronger.. more determined.. and more pissed off than I give her credit for..

I know that her rage comes from fear.. same as mine... But if there is one thing we are taught about vicious dogs, it is that we should never advance towards a snarling spitting terrified animal.. and yet this is what DrKakka wants me to do.. He has told me that I have nothing to fear.. that the rabid bitch inside my head is only a memory.. a piece of history that cannot hurt me.. that the only power she has is the power I give her... But I have fed her for so long... taken care of her needs so that she leaves me alone, that I am not sure how to stop doing it...  She is so much a part of me.. and she is so strong.. that if I give her the freedom to express, I am terrified that she is dominant enough to take over as the alpha... and where would that leave me?

And who does that make me?

Who would I become if she is in control?

Certainly this mask I show to the world would not fit her.. even if it did I know she will not wear it... but the mask keeps me safe.. it stops people asking questions... And God knows I hate them asking questions.. it suffocates me... it makes me run... but no matter how far or hard I run, the slumbering salivating bitch is stronger.. and faster...

So today I go to do battle again.. I am preparing myself mentally for the task ahead.. I am preparing physically.. polishing my armour... strengthening my muscles.. taking my energy tonic...

Perhaps today will be the day she is released..

If I do not return .. well... I can only warn you to pay attention to the dark places.. you could be next on her list...



So what have I learnt today?

1.   Things are bound to get worse before they get better.
2.   Having a "Mom's" night with some of the mothers from Caleb's school does not mean it'll be quiet.
3.   People often surprise you.
4.   You may think you know how people will react - but whoatherebigpony you don't.. someone will always surprise you.
5.   At a school that bills you the earth for a Cambridge Education, there is still a lack of communication.
6.   The cat is going pee-pee in the house because she has "Tom-Cat stress" - hahaha.. those were the exact words of our vet to me this morning... hahaha... tom-cat stress...
7.   Our cat is now on the kitty version of Prozac to help her deal with tom..
8.   I am slightly concerned that the pills will make her more... um....proactive with tom.. and less likely to scratch his eyes out... we will see...
9.   My child beat everyone in a race today.. including the coach...:)
10. Even though the new ott giganormous flat screen LCD HD TV does not fit in our TV cabinet, I love it.. and will gladly saw through pieces of wood in my beloved cabinet to make it fit...
11. Either that or use above-mentioned beloved cabinet as firewood and mount the new TV on the wall..
12.  Yes, I am that shallow...