Daniel gets down with his bad self!

Daniel loves music - any music... how sweet is he dancing?

See.. the sun does shine on Mud Island? This is Worthing...

This is Chris and Anne's house in St Johns where we stayed for a few days - lovely house and such a pretty garden - and look.. no security...

This was taken in Windsor - enjoying traditional bitter ale after a long day walking round Windsor Castle

Windsor Castle

I fell in love with Windsor - such a beautiful place!

I am leaving on a jet plane

Hi readers,

I will be in London for the next 10 days, Sam, my friend will be guest blogging for me while I am away!

See you all when I get back - enjoy Sam!

Wordless Wednesday

Rest in Peace Chris

A friend of mine died yesterday due to complications surrounding swine flu.

I am extremely saddened by his tragic and sudden death. I do not feel particularly creative at the moment so I am sure you will forgive me for a few days slience. I am sure I will be back on form soon.

Rest in peace Chris - You will be sorely missed by all who knew you

How to win friends..

So.. the big question on my mind today, is what makes a friend a friend?


When is someone a friend and when are they just an acquaintance? And on the other side, what makes someone an enemy? When do you get to the point that forces you into enemy status?

There are people in my world whom I have never met - and yet I count them as friends. There is one in particular whom I trust..in a way that I cannot accurately articulate here. It is a sense of someone, without having to meet them - sixth sense.. women's intuition.. call it what you will..


There are people in my world who call themselves friends.. and yet, I do not regard them as confidants - when I am in trouble I do not turn to them. If I do not turn to them in my time of need, then why do I keep them in my circle of friends? Should I not rather remove them from my life and have fewer friends who I trust as apposed to many who mean nothing? Which brings me to the question of trust.. How do you decide when someone is trustworthy? When do they make it into your circle of trust? I have people in my social circle whom I have known for years - we hang out together and have a great time together, but there are things about me that I would never share with them. In fact, I would go so far as to say that some of them do not have a clue who the real me is.. I shape-shift myself to conform to what I assume is their expectation of me.


Some of them may even be reading this blog.. ...and then there is Sam...

Sam and I click.. like I have clicked with very few people in this world - I can tell Sam anything..and I mean ANYTHING.. and she never judges me. She never reprimands or uses that condescending tone people take on when they do not approve. Sam listens.. evaluates and responds in an open and honest way. She is not guarded with me. There are no pretences.. no walls... no expectations.

I think that is the core reason why our friendship is so solid - we have no expectations of the other.. we just are..

So thank you my friend.. for being my friend..I know I am not always easy to get along with.. sometimes I am downright impossible, but you take it all in your stride. You accept me for who I am, the good, the bad, and the ugly.

I pray we grow old together and one day.. when we both have our purple rinses and ugly little poodles (kinda like Frankenbutt you have now), I hope we can still go out and rock the place!!!

Daniel is Crawling...

Firstly.. let me thank all of you for your prayers - It was a false alarm.. What a blessing! Adam and I are both so relieved!

Secondly, Daniel has just started crawling.. can you believe it? In this video it is only about his third attempt - since this video was taken last week, he is now really on the move!

Benoni Gathering of the Clans

These videos were taken at the Gathering at Benoni High last weekend - It was also the SA Champs - well done to the Jocks.. you deserved to win, you were, without doubt, the best on the day!

The first video is of BMT - we have been rooting for them for years (Go Gareth & Bruce) which is why I took a video of them, but I have to say that this year they were really not up to scratch as you will see when you watch it. Had I known how absolutely awesome the Jocks would be, I would have taken a vid of them instead.

BTW.. in case you are wondering.. yes I love the pipes! The third video is my favourite - I missed the beginning because some silly man was chatting to me..

Enjoy!

A little time...

To all my readers a big sorry.. I know I am not posting... but life is hectic at the moment.

There is a medical issue regarding Adam.. and it is taking a heavy toll - I am very freaked out about it.. Adam is pretending that it doesn't bother him, but I know he is struggling.

We see the specialist tomorrow morning and, with Adam's permission I will come and update then.. but for now I am just trying to hold it together and pray for the best.

If you are a person of faith, I ask for your prayers now..

Dinner with the boys

Love you my boys... very much.. You are all unique.. and I love each of you just the way you are.

Thank you so much for loving me..with all my craziness

I don't like it!

Firstly let me apologise for my silence - this past week I have been trying to get my head straight - I am pleased to report my head is now straight!

This picture was taken on Tuesday - Caleb, like all children hates vegetables. He let me put the gem squash into his mouth, but then he lost it and threw a tantrum, the likes of which measured on the Richter Scale - he was convinced the vegetable would kill him if he swallowed it.

He won, we lost and the gem squash ended up in the bin!

Who would do such a thing?

On Friday night my friend Sam and I went out for a few drinks. We went to our regular hangout - which is a pub just down the road from both our houses. One of the reasons we go there is because we know the owners and the staff, so we generally feel safe at this venue - especially since we go out without our other halves, and sitting in a pub for an evening without a male escort can sometimes be a less than safety conscious move, even in this day and age. Most of the regulars know us and look out for us - something went wrong on Friday night...


Sam and I both have a rather high tolerance level for alcohol - or perhaps it is just that we both handle alcohol very well - which means that we can have quite a few drinks and still not lose control. On Friday we both had a fair number of drinks. Some of them were bought for us and not by regulars to this establishment. In hindsight, there were way more "single" men there than usual.. and loads whom we had never met before..

I cannot tell you how it happened for my memory is a little hazy - which in itself is unusual as I am not one who forgets what happens.. All we know is that both Sam and I are convinced our drinks were spiked. We do not believe that it was one of the "date-rape' drugs as we did not feel sleepy.. or disoriented. We do however believe that it was some form of narcotic - probably to make us party more..

As I said, we went out on Friday night...and we were both still feeling the effects on Saturday afternoon.. some of the effects I experienced are:
Racing heart - in a big way!
Pulse all over the place
Nausea
Anxiety
Headache
Sweats
Shivers
Sam and I both said it felt like we were shaking on the inside...

Luckily nothing happened to us.. and we look out for each other...but it could have ended very badly... I don't understand how someone can do something like that and still sleep at night?

It has left such a bad taste in my mouth (literally and figuratively)! Sam and I really enjoy our evenings out together and it is a pity that someone with such sinister motives has ruined it for us!

D-Day

As I sit and remember
When you were still a part of me
I try to forget
Your life was never meant to be
You were given a life, a soul, a name
But now things will never be the same
You were mine to give life to
Though only for a while
Then things changed and
I will never see your smile
Yet my love for you will never disappear
Though your voice, your laugh
I will never get to hear
You will always be my baby
Though I have never seen your face
Not a thing in this world
Will ever take your place

Happy EDD Little One - I hope you are eating cake and opening presents in Heaven..

Is it wrong for me to want today to pass quickly...tick tock tick tock

u

Where is He?

If God is out there then where is He?

I know I know, another depressing post... but Thursday is drawing near (click here to understand the meaning of Thursday) and I am struggling with it.. it is suffocating..

And I am struggling...

It hurts and I am struggling..

So answer me this.. where is God? If He knows my pain and He sees all then where is He?

I have looked for Him so many times.. so many times have I tried to find what the reborn have found.. but it eludes me... Where is He?

Darryl - The Cousin!

This is my cousin Darryl and my sister's best friend Sarah!

Darryl lives about an hour's drive from me and Sarah lives about 4 hours drive from me. Yesterday we met up for a drink or two and it got a little out of hand... just a little!

It was awesome to see Darryl again - we get together far too seldom (Darryl you know why..lol) but now that the situation has changed, I hope to see more of you... We have so little family this far inland that I think we should take care of the ones we have!

Sarah is my sister Angie's best buddy... and last night was the second time that I have met her. The first time was at a very stressful and tense family reunion, so we never really got to chat, but last night I spent quit a bit of time with her and she is fabulous!!! Hope to see you again soon too...

I apologise for the quality of the picture...:)

MckLinky Blog Hop!

My blog is about anything and everything!

I love posting pictures of my family and friends and blogging about the goings-ons in my life. More importantly though are the posts that I blog about my "thoughts" these posts are concerned with whatever is on my mind at the time - be it religion, politics, emotional topics or just my random thoughts on life and my purpose in it!

My blog has become an obsession with me and there are very few days that I do not post about something. I love to write and the more I write the more I want to write!

Hi, my name is Kerren and I am an addicted blogger!

I hope you will enjoy reading my blog as much as I enjoy writing it!

Who is your X?

This will be my third post for the day ... but it is another one of those posts that wont be denied.. it crawls around inside my mind driving me a little more crazy with ever tick-tock of the clock - whispering constantly to my inner self until I finally give-in.. succumb... open my laptop and begin to type.. I know I will find no rest or peace until it is down.. out of my brain and shared with whomever is drawn to it..so here it comes...

Have you noticed how some people uplift you? How they add to your strength and your sense of self worth and peace with the world? They fill you with energy and you feel revitalised after spending time with them? It is a relationship that offers so much..

Then of course there is the other side of the coin - We all have people in our lives who literally suck the life out of us. When you know you are going to spend time with them you always feel a little trepidation - an uneasy sort of feeling way down in the pit of your stomach. After being in their company you feel drained...exhausted... relieved to be leaving and going home. They are takers - it is always about them - they think of nothing other than what is important to them and what they can gain from the relationship. They will suck the joy from your soul and not once ask you if you are okay.. if there is something you would like to talk about.. or something that is important to you? Takers!

Why is this do you suppose? Why do some people leave us feeling good about ourselves while others can make us feel like we have aged 100 years in just a very short space of time? And the real kicker is that it is probably different with other people - what I mean is... Let say X is someone in my life who drains me, but Adam finds X interesting, funny and downright fun. How is it that one person can have such a different effect on Adam and I, when surely we must be similar to be in a happy marriage? This question troubles me - and the truth of it, is that it means that to some people I am uplifting to their soul - and to another I am draining! Whoa.. not a nice thought is it?

Then let me ask you this: Why is it that we keep the takers around? Is it because they are family and you can't walk away? Is it because we feel better about who we are when we judge them? Perhaps.. perhaps it is these things...perhaps if I am honest with myself I will find that I have purely selfish reasons for keeping them in my world... I am not sure..

There is one such taker in my world who I like to believe I keep in my world because I believe I can help this person (lets call him/her X)....I believe that X is not in a very good space right now and really..obviously.. needs a good friend... so I stay.. and I listen to X moan and moan and moan every day... and I offer advice... and I lend an ear... and I let X lean on my shoulder... and I try to not think of my needs in the relationship - and I like to think that I am doing it for the right reasons and I am keeping the moral high-ground.... and that one day... someday... X will say thank you.. and ask if there is anything I need... one day..

Surely this cannot be true though? If I feel this much resentment because you never ask about me... it is always about you... and this resentment is growing, then how can this be a friendship? More importantly, it means surely that I have lost the moral high-ground? Surely it means that I am not a good friend to X?

I don't know..

Truly I don't..

Some days I think I should just cut X from my life

Other days I tell myself to suck it up.. its not about me.. that's not what this relationship is based on.. X needs me.. that is why I am here...


Perhaps one day...

And now it is done..the voice is silent... and I can rest...

It only counts if they see you...

Daniel Safe and Sound

Daniel had his op this morning and all went according to plan. He was very unhappy when he came out, but as soon as the meds kicked in he was spaced - see exhibit A above..lol

He is now resting peacefully - Lets hope this is the start of some good sleep for the whole family!

Sleep glorious sleep...when???

Daddy doing the midnight change....

On Thursday Daniel is having Grommits installed in both ears - since his birth, he has been on antibiotics at least 5 times - considering he is only 8 months old, this is really excessive! He has an ear infection whenever he teethes and considering it takes around 5 weeks for him to cut a tooth start to finish you can imagine how terrible this must be for the poor little chap..

Last week we were finally referred to the ENT who performed Caleb's operation - Yay.. we like him! He has agreed to perform the procedure on Daniel. Thank heavens! We are convinced (please God let it be) that after this op, his sleeping will vastly improve.. let me give you an example of how bad his sleep pattern is.. this is the log for my night last night:

19h00 - in bed

19h30 - asleep

21h00 - 22h00 awake.. and crying until we gave him pain meds

23h00 - 22h30 awake

00h30 - 00h45 awake

01h30 - 02h00 awake

03h00 - 03h20 awake

04h00 - briefly awake

05h00 - 05h15 awake

06h00 - awake for the day

So as you can imagine we are exhausted... please let the grommits help... pleazzzzzzzzzz

Dinner with the crazies!

These two are really insane - we love going out with them! Thanks Mr & Mrs Jacobs!

What do I believe #2 - A response to Mort

Mort - the link from beating to racism was quite simple:

The person distributing the email with the pictures and the story of the old man's beating shouted, "Blatant Racism" as the motive for the attack.

Your second comment proves my entire argument:

Why do you feel the need to ask if the victim was white and the guard black? It should be irrelevant - beatings and abuse should not be tolerated in our country regardless of who is the perpetrator and who the victim.

It is this kind of thinking that will continue to divide us as South Africans. Until we can see only South Africans, and not white or black, we can never heal the wounds of the past or grow as one nation in the future.

I understand that you are anti some of the things going on in South Africa, which probably explains why you emigrated, but for those of us who have chosen to stay behind to try and save our country, I believe it is important for us to find solutions rather than placing blame.

United We Stand - Divided We Fall!

Update to Mort's comment:

I am not sure if I understand what you are asking, but I think you are asking how the author made the connection to racism not me.. is that correct? If it is, then my response is this:

Nothing is said of what prompts the author to shout racism - barring the fact that the victim and the perpetrator are different races. This kind of thing (as you know) happens every day in South Africa, and nobody says a word, but let it happen between a black and white person and all hell breaks loose.

I think we, as South Africans, still have a long way to go...

Ben 10 Experience

Today we took Caleb to the Ben 10 Experience at Gallagher Estate. Since Daniel was born poor Caleb sometimes has to take a backseat to the needs of his little brother - so today was all about him!

At 09h00 this morning we dropped Daniel off at my Mother-in-Law's house (thanks Mel) and then headed off! We spent the whole day there and only got home at 16h00! Caleb had the best day.. it was all for him.. sweet boy!

Getting his face painted like 4-arms

Can you spot my boys?

The funny thing about this is that 4-arms's pants kept falling down... very superhero like!

Blowing up the balloon until it popped!

Getting ready to play human bowling!

Putting our shoes back on!

All tuckered out!

GOAL!!!

You are such a special little boy Caleb - Daddy, Daniel and I love you dearly!

A Better Space

The past two days were extremely difficult for me - after my two most recent posts, I just sort of unravelled. I have spent the last two days in a cloud of anger, frustration and sadness. The more I thought about it, the more upset I became.

Not only in the past couple of days, but in recent years, I have become a master at hiding my pain. An example - Yesterday afternoon when I went to collect Caleb from school, I spent the entire trip sobbing like a baby. The tears were literally rolling down my cheeks and it was that kind of sobbing that leaves you a little breathless and exhausted. About 1km from the school I got myself under control and pulled myself together wiped my face with a wet wipe (a constant companion in a car that transports a 3-year-old) and literally plastered a big fake smile on my face. I walked into the school and nobody was the wiser. Shortly after arriving home with him, I went to the bathroom and fell apart for a few minutes again - Until I heard the doorbell ring - at which point I splashed water on my face, once again located and applied the same fake smile and went to open the door for my in-laws who had come round for tea so that my Father-in-Law could say goodbye to the boys before he heads back to Taiwan.

There are, however, two people I do not seem to be very good at hiding it from...one is of course Adam and the other is Sam. After much weepy behaviour with both of these people yesterday afternoon, we decided that a night out with Sam was probably a good idea for me... The rest of this blog is dedicated to the 3 people who helped me out of my black hole yesterday..

The first is Adam - you are the most patient and understanding of husbands. You give me enough freedom for me to be able to fight my battles and confront my demons the only way I know how, and that is in my own time and on my own. I know sometimes you must feel shutout from the inner workings of my mind when I am in a "bad space", but you know that as soon as I am ready to share, you are always the one I go to first. Without you I would not have the courage or strength to battle these foes - I love you.

The second is Sam - Our friendship came out of nowhere - very recently - and I want you to know how grateful I am for it. You seem to understand my bossy and demanding nature and you just let me get on with it... I love this about you! You are tough when I need you to be .. and gentle when I am falling apart. You are a party animal when I need to blow off steam and a good listener when I want to talk.. It is mostly thanks to you that last nights mood lifted... and I am grateful.

The last is Alex - I met you for the first time last night - and your insights into my soul blew me away. It seems like such a long time ago.. after years and years of therapy which didn't work, that I decided to lock that door and just pretend it doesn't exist anymore. For some reason you didn't need a key - you just bashed it down with a bulldozer and forced me to see it.. truly see it.. for what it is. In just a few short sentences you showed me what years of therapy never could. I think the personal growth that I gained from our meeting last night is more than I gained in all the time I was paying money to someone who could never help me. Your knowledge and faith in your convictions really had an affect on me... Thank you Alex.

And so, after these 3 people took turns to say/do/listen to what I needed yesterday, the black mood is lifting. I know, as I have always known, there are tough times ahead, but somehow the universe always seems to give us what we need when we really need it. She smacks us with a sledgehammer and then provides first-aid as we recover

Happy Birthday Baby Girl

Today is Kayleigh's 1st birthday...so many people in pain over lost children today :(

Happy Birthday sweet girl - I hope you and my babies are playing together in the nursery in Heaven and blowing out candles together!

A different space..

Have you ever noticed how your life will be carrying on as normal? The days blending into each other? No real issues or hiccups? And then.. all of a sudden, out of the blue, life hits you with a sledgehammer? Almost as if the universe is saying, "Hey you.. pay attention... stop being complacent.. remember..."

Today was not a good day for me - a number of things went wrong today, but they are not major issues. They are things which upset the balance, but you sort them out and move on... all but one of them that is.

As I sat down to blog this evening, I switched the TV on to the news channel - I like to watch the news whilst blogging. Anyway, it was not turned to the news, it was on a movie channel that was showing the movie "Someone like you". I had only been watching a couple of minutes, when Ashley Judd's character goes to the hospital to support her sister who just lost a baby to miscarriage - and boom.. out of nowhere.. the sledgehammer hit! In a little over two weeks I should be celebrating the birthday of one of the babies Adam and I lost. He was due on 9 July - which means that his "birthday" is coming up..

I am sitting here on the sofa in my lounge trying to hold it together.. but the tears are falling and I can't stop them...If Adam knew (he will when he reads this) that I am sitting here crying, he would want to help.. as all good husbands would, but the truth is, he cannot help me with this.. nobody can.. and as much as I appreciate the TLC, this is something I would not openly discuss with anyone in my world (except Adam). This pain is something I deal with on my own - except for my blog.. Isn't that strange how I don't wish to talk about this, but I am happy to come here and tell so many strangers about my pain?

I don't think you ever truly get over the pain of losing a child.. no matter how briefly they were with you. Some of you must be wondering how I can feel this way, when I would not have Daniel had my baby lived? The truth is something I did not understand until I lost a child.. One child can never replace another... I love Daniel and Caleb more now than ever before.. they mean more to me than I could ever really put into words.. and yet the empty space in my heart that will never be filled longs for my lost babies.. all of them.. And there are certain days of the year that are so very difficult to cope with.

And so tonight I mourn the loss.. again.. of one of my little angels..Mommy loves you Little One.. and one day our souls will be reunited..oh what a happy day that will be!

One last thing... please, if you are part of my world.. please.. do not ask me about it..or even broach the topic. It is not a topic that I am able to discuss with anyone (except Adam) - posting about it on my blog is as close as I can come to discussing my losses. I, as always, would love to read your comments, but I don't wish to talk about it. Thank you for your understanding.

What do I believe? What do you believe?

This is the kind of post that people either love or hate...but this is another of those topics that has been building in my mind, but due to the nature of the topic, I have attempted to smother it for weeks.. The time has finally come where I feel strong enough to post it..

Yesterday I received an email in connection with the brutal beating of an elderly man in one of South Africa's prisons. The elderly gentleman in question was caught stealing a chocolate bar from a shop. Upon investigation, it was uncovered that the man suffered from Alhzeimer's Disease. Apparently he was not aware that he was stealing, and could not understand what all the fuss was about - this was confirmed by his doctor. At some point between his arrest and incarceration, he was severely beaten. I refuse to upload the pictures to my blog, but lets just say that the wounds were horrific.

The commentary on the e-mail that accompanied these pictures is (rightly so) highly outraged at the treatment of this old man, who was clearly a threat to no one and yet he was beaten as if he may be the next Terminator - Needless-to-say, the gentleman passed away shortly after this beating. At this point in the commentary on this email, the author shouts, "Racism" in fact, "Blatant Racism" was the term used... Do you see yet where I am going with this post?

It has been 15 years since the fall of Apartheid and yet still, we as a country, feel the need to shout racism at every turn. Racism is now a card that is played by all the cultures - the moment someone of another culture steps on our toes we insist they must be racist.

Now lets just clarify a few issues...

Yes, there are still many racists (from all cultures) existing in South Africa, and indeed the world.
Yes, how we were raised will largely determine the outcome of our values and morals. This is the nature vs nurture argument.
Yes, many of the people in my world today are racist - to some degree - which means that they may use derogatory terms or fall to the extreme of hatred.
Yes, I was raised by a community which was 90% racist.
Yes, this is the way I was taught to think.
Yes, I have struggled all of my life to find the path which I believe in my soul to be true.
Yes, I have used derogatory terminology in the past.
Yes, I have had racist thoughts in the past...

but..

No, I do not believe in racism
No, I do not believe that the teachings of my youth are the correct ones.
No, I will not tolerate any kind of hate speech or derogatory terminology around my boys.
No, I will not carry over the hatred and "chip-on-my-shoulder" attitude that I learned from a young age to my boys.

On the other hand..

What makes one a racist? If you can successfully answer this question for me, then you will put so much of my questioning to bed.

You see...

I do not believe I am racist...If I look into my soul, I honestly believe that I have an "all cultures were created equal" philosophy. However, if this is the case, then why is it that I don't vehemently condemn any person in my world who makes racist comments? Why is it that I stay quiet when friends or family use derogatory terminology? Having said that, I never stay quiet if it is in front of the boys - everybody in my life knows this. I will not tolerate any kind of hate speech in front of the boys. I will not have them raised with the same hatred in their hearts that I was taught. Carrying on...

Why do I not stand up and shout from the rooftops that I do not agree with your way of thinking? That I refuse to be a victim to my past teachings? That I will cut from my life any whom I cannot convert to a liberal viewpoint? Why do I put on any sort of laugh when you tell me a racist joke?

Why indeed..

What does this make me?

Who am I really?

Am I really as "equal" as I like to believe?

If my soul could take a polygraph test, what would be revealed?

The truth.. what is the truth?

The truth is that, from this moment forward, I will stop letting others say things in my company that offends me.

The truth is that, from this moment on, I will stand up for what I believe in, no matter how unpopular it may make me.

The truth is that, from this moment on, the race card does not exist for me - I have wanted to bin it for so long... and just like that .. it is finally off my back..

The truth is that I will begin to verbalise the values and morals which have been changing and realigning in my mind for many years.

The truth..in truth..

is that I strive, every day, to be a better Mum for those sweet little boys who depend on me to teach them about the world and their place in it.

I do not believe that I have suddenly become a saviour or champion of human rights.. but I do believe that every choice I make in this regard.. every single one... will make me into a better person.. it may not be the person you wish it to be.. or to be associated with, but it is the one I see in the mirror every day.. and I love her.. and will continue to do so as long as she continues to grow.

Father's Day Weekend!

This is Caleb and his second Cousin Erynne - at her 5th birthday - too sweet!

Tricky Trevor - the entertainer for Erynne's made this "monkey up a tree" for Caleb - but Adam carried it around all day - I think he bonded with it!

My ferocious lion!

Oumie (Adam's Granny), Adam and Caleb "The Lion"

We have a strict rule of no guns in our house - so whenever Caleb gets near a toy gun he heads straight for it - seems that even if we won't let him have a toy gun in the house, he will find a way to play with one. Boys will be boys!

This was this afternoon while we were having ice-cream on my Mum's back veranda - what you can't see in the picture is that Caleb is sitting on my Mum's ornamental tortoise eating the last of the ice-cream out the tub - sweet boy!

Finishing Father's Day Lunch! We had a lovely time - Thanks Mum

And finally.. the littlest Baby Bear - he loves being outside. Here he was just sitting in the middle of the yard watching the world go by with not a care to speak of!

Mum - thank you so much for a lovely weekend - we always love coming to visit you and hate (especially me) to leave! It doesn't matter how old one gets, going home to Mum is something we can all appreciate - It revives the soul and pampers the weary mind!

And last, but not least, to Adam - the father of my beautiful boys! We love you Daddy. You are so good to us. Thank you for my boys... and thanking you for loving me.. every day for the past 10 years... sjoe.. it cannot be easy for you...

Mwah - we love you!

Hitching a ride - African Style

I am beautiful...

I know I have already blogged today, but this post has been swirling around my mind and gaining momentum since lunchtime today.. and it will not be silenced.. so put on your helmets and protective gear and away we go...

For at least the past 4 years, I have been self-conscious about my weight - in fact, it has become so bad that I would easily say I have become obsessed with my body (my BMI is 28). Every woman I meet I compare (physically) to myself. EVERY WOMAN - do you know what kind of pressure that has placed on my mind.. and emotions? Every time I meet someone new, I wonder if they are judging me because I am over-weight? Do they think, "Why doesn't she just stop eating?" Do they think less of me because I am carrying around body fat? Do they ask themselves if it bothers me that I am not thin? These kinds of thoughts eat me alive... and destroy my self-esteem and self-worth..

Well those days are done.. they are no more.. and I say Viva-la-fat-Girl!

Today, after lunch, I went clothes shopping. I needed to find a few items for my work wardrobe for winter. As I was walking around my chosen store, a label caught my eye, it said, "Tall - extra length". Now, what you need to understand about me is that I am almost 6ft tall. Which means that whenever I buy clothes, they are usually too short in the arms and legs. So, not only am I over-weight, but I am a big girl in every sense of the word. But once I found this label, I was in heaven - I chose about 10 items to try on, and all the time that I was picking clothes off the shelves to "attempt" to squeeze my body into, the thought that kept running through my mind was, "why are you even bothering, until you lose the weight, you will never look good in clothes". The result of this way of thinking is that by the time I reached the fitting rooms I was rather depressed.

Once inside the fitting room however, something strange happened. I tried on the first suit - and the truth is, it looked fabulous.. and I looked fabulous. I couldn't believe it! I looked so good in the suit that I didn't want to take it off..lol.. I stood there for ages turning this way and that to look at my body from different angles. I decided to be brave, and keeping the thought in my mind that perhaps I could look good in some things, I proceeded to try on all the other items I had brought to the fitting room - the result is that I bought them all.

I spent the rest of the afternoon asking myself, why is it that I hate my body so much? So I began analysing my life - trying to look at it from the outside looking in. What I discovered is this:

1. I am over-weight
2. My tummy is flabby from carrying two babies to term
3. My breasts are not as firm as they were 10 years ago - breastfeeding will do that!
4. I still have a waist
5. Men still compliment me on my appearance
6. Whenever I go out at night, at least once during that night, someone will give me the eye and try and pick me up
7. I look sexy when I feel sexy
8. I am attractive - if I were not attractive, I would never get the approving looks I always pretend didn't happen
9. Adam still looks at me with the same desire he did 10 years ago
10. Adam still loves to be close to my body - as he did 10 years ago
11. I am not perfect
12. If I don't love me how will anyone else?

And so I am done with torturing myself. I am over-weight. I do not look like a Hollywood actress. I am not a size zero... but I am beautiful.. I am sexy.. I have a large bottom... large thighs... a flabby tummy... and large breasts... and I am beautiful!

Does this mean I am just going to let myself go? No.. that is not what it is about..I am still going to workout just about every night of the week. I am still going to try and make healthy food choices when I eat. But what it does mean is that the days of me hating the fact that I am not as skinny as Lindsay Lohan are done. I am a real woman.. I am a full-bodied, hot-blooded, baby-bearing and beautiful woman!

Viva-La-Big-Girl

I am beautiful!

Priceless Pictures with Nanna

This is my best one of all... such a sweet picture

This is my Mum with her best friend Estelle - thanks for a lovely day ladies - the boys and I loved visitng with you both.