The Lesbian Grapevine

So here is the thing right.. In the straight world, every couple would have one male and one female (stay with me here, I realise it is a complicated equation), in the LESBIAN world, there are two women in a couple.  With me so far?

Now, how often in the straight world, do we hear the men standing around the braai (barbecue) complaining about how women gossip, or how we fuel everything with drama, or we make Kilimanjaro out of The Melville Koppies?  Now these men do have reason to complain... women do gossip, and in doing so we create a vacuum of meaningless information that usually ends up hurting whoever it is we are gossipping about.

Now imagine if you will, what it must be like in a LESBIAN relationship - both parties are women, all our friends are women, all our exes  are women and basically everyone except our male family members and the occasional moffie - yup, you guessed it all women...  So when this well-oiled machine kicks into gossip mode, all hell usually breaks loose.

I, very recently, had the extreme misfortune of once again being on the receiving end of this chain of gossip!  I will break it down for you - however, the example, as well as all names, have been changed to protect the innocent (and the back stabbing bitches who would take it personally).

It went something like this:

I called Jane and said: "I feel a little bloated today, hope I am not coming down with something!"

Jane called Michelle and said, "Have you noticed Kerren is looking a little bloated, I wonder what's up?"

Michelle called Sarah and said, "Kerren has put on weight recently, she is looking larger don't you think?"

Sarah called Pam and said, "Have you seen how much weight Kerren has put on, wouldn't it be funny if she was pregnant?"

Pam called Sue and said, "It looks like Kerren is pregnant, so much for her being gay right!"

Sue called Anne and said, "I told you that bitch is a straight chick, she is pregnant, by a man obviously!"

Anne called my girlfriend and said, "I am so sorry to hear what Kerren did to you... I hate to say I told you so, but we did warn you, never date a straight chick!"

And at the moment when my girlfriend comes round to discuss our relationship (keep this in mind), I am left bitch-slapped by the vacuum that is the female gay universe and wondering how on earth I fell pregnant...

Perhaps you really can fall pregnant from a toilet seat...

For Venus

This week my Music Monday is dedicated to Venus... who made me laugh our loud and really have a belly aching laugh for the first time in days. 

You should really check out her show at SO HO in Boksburg... she rocks!

Missing you...

I miss you every day... I hope you are blowing out your candles in heaven little one

Love Mommy

xxx

Courage to let go

Does any of it really matter anymore?  Seriously?  Really?

Does any of it really matter?

I can type until I am blue in the face.. I talk and talk and talk, but neither of you are listening.. you are not really listening.  And the truth is I can't even blame you, because you are both so wrapped up in your own problems that you cannot possibly see the ledge where I teeter.  Same as I am so wrapped up in my problems that I cannot comprehend yours...

I feel like I am the last person to get any of your attention, your time, your love..  There are so many things taking your time and energy, that the truth is you really don't have space in your life for me.  For a few weeks this sent me into a spiral of self-pity, but I am gradually coming out of my pity-party to the other side.  What is on the other side?  Nothing... that's what... absolutely nothing... My heart is closing... my emotions are dying.. and still you are not here.. So be it..

And as for you... well.. On the one hand I can see where you are coming from - I get how torn you are... So I don't blame you either.  I am just incredibly sad that even though you are probably the only person on the planet to know just how deep and black my head space is, you are still considering walking away from me because it is expected of you... How does that make me feel?  Incredibly worthless.. One of the things I learnt from the programme you made me watch is that everyone needs a rock... everyone does... and I need to find one I can count on to be there when I just need someone to sit with me ... just to be in the same room so I am not alone.. You asked for time to figure out if you want to be in my life, as a friend, to help me through the darkness, or if you should rather choose your 1-month relationship with a woman who is demanding that you never have contact with me again..  It really is very simple... if you have to sit and think about it... then I really am not worth it to you... So be it...

What was the point of this post?  Who knows... and does it really matter?

Let It Rise

They tell me to write about happy events.. happy thoughts …. To put positive things on paper.. they do not understand my writing.

For some reason I struggle to write if I am not in pain.. my writing is born of my pain.. the bad days give rise to the longing inside me to express myself – very rarely do the words flow on the good days.

Asking me to write inspirational pieces is like asking Stephen King to write trashy love stories… His writing comes from darkness.. mine too.

Tonight the pain is rising .. like the tide.. inevitable…it is a living pulsing thing inside of me.. tonight the pain wants a voice.

When we were children, Angie had a doll that went everywhere with her – at 37 she still has this doll and guards it protectively like a child. The doll has a hard head and hands, but the rest of her is made merely of cloth and foam stuffing. Because this doll is so dearly loved and treasured, she often looked a bit shop worn and tattered due to the constant intense handling. Every so often Granny would recover the doll for Angie, giving her a new lease on life – or so I have always believed…

Tonight I know the truth – the doll was covered, not to give her a fresh start, but rather to hide the worn and battered appearance underneath.

I am the doll.

I have been covering myself in layers of new and shiny things. Believing that I was starting afresh… that the new covering would take away the ugliness that lurks beneath.

But the ugliness remains.. Tonight the new and shiny coverings cannot hold back what went before. It seeps through the new layers to the surface.

I feel the darkness coming down around me.. closing me in .. shutting you out..you are still here, but I will The Nothing to cover you completely.. so that even though you are here and you can see me, it will hide you from me.. to remove from my gaze the vision that causes such deep pain.. such a longing inside me that it slowly corrodes any goodness that may remain.

Tonight The Nothing is welcome.. I am willingly allowing it in .. waiting for it to shut everything else out..

Let there be nothing

It Does Get Better

This is a song that is very close to my heart...

Dating: Men vs Women Part 2

This is the follow up to this post...

Before I begin, let me just say that Part 1 caused quite a stir with some of the LESBIANS in my world.  What I find interesting, is that none of them posted comments on the blog, but rather spoke to me in private.  And a couple of them were rather vocal about my opinions - so listen up Lesbo's:  The opinions voiced in this blog are simply that... opinions... they are my opinions based on my (grantedly small) experience of the LESBIAN world.

Secondly, you will have noticed that each time I type the word LESBIAN, it is in pink.. and in caps... and this is because I have also taken flack from all the GSL's for using the word LESBIAN.  Apparently it is very uncool to use the word LESBIAN... I should be saying gay woman... My response to this is.. blah blah blah.. get over yourselves... I am a LESBIAN.. you are a LESBIAN... own it biatch!

Right... moving swiftly along...

Another of the major differences between dating men vs dating women is the drama - OMG the drama!

Men are rather simple folk really - there are only a couple of things you need to do to keep them happy.  Men want the 3 F's: Feed, F*{^K and Focus (on them) - if you keep these three things in a positive space, men are generally happy.

Women are completely different... they need the whole alphabet... Don't believe me?  Watch this:
A - Accept
B - Back up
C - Compassion
D - Dazzle
E - Eager Beaver
F - Facilitate (the Eager Beaver)
G - Gimme
H - Honesty
I - Independence
J - Jealousy
K - Karma
L - LESBIAN
M - Mammary
N - Negotiate
O - Orgasm
P - Pick up
Q - Quagmire
R - Respect
S - Sensual
T - Tits
U - Ubiquitous
V - Vagina
W - Waxed
X - X - Rated
Y - Yummy
Z - Zonked

With women there are so many things you have to take into consideration... things that really don't matter to men.  For example if you don't say good morning to your boyfriend every day, it is not seen as a big deal.. With women all hell breaks loose if you don't say good morning or goodnight to them - they will assume that there is something fundamentally wrong with the relationship... or you are cheating.

If you have an argument, even over the smallest little thing, men really don't care.  They fight, they yell, they have their say and then they move on.  With women it is the end of the world as we know it!  There is either something fundamentally wrong with the relationship... or you are cheating.

If you do not orgasm during sex with a man, his ego will be bruised very briefly, until he convinces himself that there must be something wrong with you as his Perfect Penis is a masterpiece.  With women, there is either something fundamentally wrong with the relationship, or you are cheating.

If you go out for drinks with the girls, your boyfriend will probably be happy that he gets a night off from entertaining you.  With women, if you take a night off from seeing her and go out with the girls, there is either something fundamentally wrong with the relationship... or you are cheating.

If you don't pick up the phone every time they call - there is something fundamentally wrong with the relationship... or you are cheating.

If you change your hair drastically - there is something fundamentally wrong with the relationship, or you are cheating...

Are you getting the idea?

The point is nothing is simple when dating a woman.  Everything must be analysed, reanalysed and over thunk enough to make even Einsteins head spin..

And now my head is spinning... Part 3 another day.

Gotye - Somebody That I Used to Know

Firstly, I apologise for the sizing issue - I normally resize them for the blog, but am unable to do so with this one - perhaps tomorrow morning when the sun is up I will be able to figure it out lol.

Secondly, I am amazed at all the airtime this song is currently receiving in South Africa.  An Aussie friend of mine introduced me to this song well over six months ago, but whenever I spoke about it to anyone, they had never heard of it and looked at me like I am crazy.. Now everyone is playing it..

I have known the words from start to finish for a while now.. this song resonates with me stupidly..

Dating men vs Dating women Part 1

The confusion of dating men is nothing when compared with the insanity of dating women. For the first time in my life I feel like I should get in touch with all my ex-boyfriends and apologise for all the emotional chaos that swirls around dating a woman.

For starters, when you are dating men, the roles are always clear – and men have no problem with this.  Yes, there are exceptions and everyone is different, but as a general rule the roles are clear.  There are clearly male functions and clearly female functions…

Dating women is a whole new ballgame… and there are many different dimensions and layers... It is a minefield that must be negotiated with every new relationship.

For example:

If a woman (in the gay world) is very butch, she will typically take on the same role as a male – she will open your car door for you, let you walk through the door first, order your drinks at the bar, pay for dinner or stand up when you walk in or out of a room.  And generally butch women have the best manners out of everyone.

On the other hand, if you are dating a femme woman, she will want you to perform some of these common courtesies – the problem for someone like me is that I am generally femme; I was raised in the straight world, which means that it does not occur to me to open someone’s car door, or pull out her chair at dinner… this can lead to possible complications over who does what.

It becomes really complicated when dating a frutch (this is a woman who has some femme tendencies, but generally is considered butch by the straight world).  This is a vortex of chaos waiting to happen… Unless of course you are a Gold Star Lesbian (GSL).  A GSL has been in the gay world for so long that it never occurs to her that her intricate and complicated system of roles and who does what is anything other than completely natural.

Over and above that, many gay women are completely against the idea of roles – they balk at the mere idea of anyone having roles based purely on their gender or sexuality.  So for someone like me who was raised in a world where (most of the time) there are quite clearly roles for the different genders, it can be extremely difficult to not offend anyone.   

And on top of all that, you have the fact that, even though many won’t admit it in public, many butch women like to be with femme women who were raised in the straight world – this is because we are domesticated… completely domesticated.  Not only that, but femme girls who were raised in the straight world do not generally take offence at being expected to be a wife.  Whereas many GSL’s go a little crazy with offence at any mention of roles or domesticity or who does what…

I think that’s enough for one day..lol.. my head is already spinning with all the different dimensions I am currently processing… Part Two to follow…

Inbetween

The disappointment is less that is for sure…

I am learning to live with less

To expect less

To need less 

Can you feel the change?

Where once I was spoilt for choice

Now I go without

There are days when there is nothing

Nothing but the functionary response expected

It has already begun

The lack of emotion remains unnoticed

The monotone overlooked

I respond and it is accepted

Much like Pavlov’s dog

I dreaded the start

One brick at a time

One breath at a time

Closing it in

Building it strong

Yet now I long for the completion

 

As it grows I become stronger

The naysayer insists there will be a price

They cannot possibly know that I owe nothing

My toll paid in full many moons ago

 

Has it occurred to you yet?

Ramblings of a busy mind

Today I sit and write with no idea what is coming… It is the first time in forever that the need to write is overpowering.. and yet I have no idea what I will type.

Sometimes there is a specific topic that I need to write about.. you have seen me write a few times by beginning the post saying that the words of the post were going round and round in my head.. they were demanding voice, demanding an audience.. and those blog posts I love to write..

But..

This is my favourite way to write… The urge to write is strong.. I need to get some things out of me.. I have to write.. and yet I have no idea what is coming.. Where will the post go? Not even I know..
I do know that SHE is on my mind a lot at the moment. I know this is because her date is coming up soon. One of the two dates on the calendar that fill me with such emotion I am never quite sure what I am feeling.. It has been 7 years.. How can so much time have moved on since you left? Are you still watching down on me? Do you see into my soul the way nobody else can? Do you look at me through the eyes of a child, or through the eyes of an old soul? Do you see into our past? Do you carry all the connections that we have experienced through lifetimes?

I carry you with me in this moment as I have down countless ones before. But today it hurts..

I sit in my study and look out the door to the falling rain.. I look passed Adam’s desk. A desk that is now empty… The only proof that it once was occupied is the cactus that no longer flourishes and the bolts on the wall where a monitor was once fastened..

The rain continues to fall .. relentless in its downward fall…

YOU too are on my mind. It has been almost 3 years since your passing.. and I still think of you more often than I think you would have believed. I ponder where our friendship would be now had you lived. I wonder if your soul is now at peace with HER and your SON. I wonder if it was your sudden passing that has made it so difficult for my mind, my soul, to let you go. You were ripped out of our lives so violently that the shock is still with me. I hope your soul is at peace my friend.

Bringing conscious thoughts of YOU to mind always leads me back to the FIRST. Ten years have gone by since you took your own life. Do you regret ending it all? When in truth all you ended was your earthly suffering. Your death began mine. Have you heard the thoughts I have sent you over the years? Do you know that I still regret not trying harder when I could see you were suffering? You were my first real shock with death.. Your death shook me then as it still does now… I hope your soul is at peace my friend.

I cast my mind way back into the past to hold on to a happy thought… I am just a little girl, playing in my grandparents’ garden. It is a beautiful sunny day. I am on the swing in the tree just outside the kitchen door. I can smell the scent of the berries – It is a scent I have long been searching for. Every time I see a tree that could be the same as the one in your garden I crush a berry and take a deep breath of the scent released… I have yet to find it, but I would know it anywhere. 

Max is lying in the sun and Candy is lying on the kitchen floor out of the heat. My Grandfather is cleaning the pool, and my grandmother is whipping up something yummy in the kitchen.  I can hear the sound of summer... In this moment  have no inclincing of the twists and turns that await me in the future... I hold this memory with me now as I travel through these emotions…

Now we both know where this post went…