A tiny coming together of energy...

This picture is pretty much how I feel at the moment...

There is so much coming together... so many things on my mind.. so many things that require my undivided attention.. and I am struggling to prioritise.

I know that certain things are more important than others, but the ones I should really be focusing on seem to slip through the cracks of the constant slug of daily life.  Most of the time I feel like I am running around like a headless chicken.. making no progress, but never slowing down.

Today I see DrKakka again.. I keep looking at the clock knowing that the time is ticking down.. knowing that very soon now I will be sitting in that chair and he will be poking away at my brain.. eish.. My brain does not want to be poked at today.. all I really want to do is crawl back into bed and hide from the insanity that I know, without a doubt, he will release in today's session...

So I ask myself.. "why am I doing this?"  Why am I putting myself and my family through this stress and tension?  I have lived for 35 years with all of this bottled up inside me and perhaps I have not been the most stable or happy person on the planet, but I have coped...  Which leads me to wonder if perhaps it is not better to just put the lid back on... close the doors.. seal the gate... and let sleeping dogs lie.  The problem, is that the dogs are already awake.. I have blown a whistle straight into the ear of the dominant female.. and it is now impossible to put her back to sleep without a tranquiliser gun... 

I feel her pacing the dark corners of my mind.. and she is angry.. very angry... I woke her from her slumber and she is demanding payment for my insubordination. 

You see, her and I, we had an agreement.. I let her sleep, and she lets me live under the blanket of denial that her slumber provides.  But I burnt the blanket.. and now there is no turning back..

My conscious mind knows that I must calm her... understand her.. and release her from her prison if I am ever to have the chance of peace in my insanity...  It seemed so easy when I started therapy.  I figured that if I just faced her... let her voice be heard.. then all would be well..  She would have her say and be done with it.. and then my mind could rest once and for all.. But the closer I am getting, the more difficult it is becoming..  If I have to put it into a picture for you, then it looks like this:

Every week when I see DrKakka, he walks with me to the gate of the slumbering bitch.. He shows me where the key is hidden.. and he asks me to open the gate... I feel strong.. I am sure I can do this.. but as I move towards the gate, the bitter taste of bile and terror rise in my throat.. and I know, with a certainty that I cannot explain, that this could go very bad..  Instead of the bitch having her say and moving on, there is a very real possibility that she will drag me back into the cage with her.. That she is stronger.. more determined.. and more pissed off than I give her credit for..

I know that her rage comes from fear.. same as mine... But if there is one thing we are taught about vicious dogs, it is that we should never advance towards a snarling spitting terrified animal.. and yet this is what DrKakka wants me to do.. He has told me that I have nothing to fear.. that the rabid bitch inside my head is only a memory.. a piece of history that cannot hurt me.. that the only power she has is the power I give her... But I have fed her for so long... taken care of her needs so that she leaves me alone, that I am not sure how to stop doing it...  She is so much a part of me.. and she is so strong.. that if I give her the freedom to express, I am terrified that she is dominant enough to take over as the alpha... and where would that leave me?

And who does that make me?

Who would I become if she is in control?

Certainly this mask I show to the world would not fit her.. even if it did I know she will not wear it... but the mask keeps me safe.. it stops people asking questions... And God knows I hate them asking questions.. it suffocates me... it makes me run... but no matter how far or hard I run, the slumbering salivating bitch is stronger.. and faster...

So today I go to do battle again.. I am preparing myself mentally for the task ahead.. I am preparing physically.. polishing my armour... strengthening my muscles.. taking my energy tonic...

Perhaps today will be the day she is released..

If I do not return .. well... I can only warn you to pay attention to the dark places.. you could be next on her list...