Monday, 30 March 2009

A post of ramblings..

There are so many different things on my mind..

Firstly, there is Stellan - Stellan is 4 days younger than Daniel. When ( MckMamma was pregnant with Stellan, they were told he would not live to see his birth day. He was born healthy and whole and term. But he is now in trouble with his heart and I am struggling to keep going to his blog and to try to offer support when everytime I look at his sweet face I see Daniel.

Stellan's story has a number of different meanings for me. The first being that it could so easily have been Daniel. It makes me realise that every moment is precious and that you can lose it in an instant. My second thought is how much it breaks my heart that any mother should have to suffer what MckMamma is suffering - I find it extremely difficult to visit her site without thoughts of my own loss as well as what she possibly faces in the not too distant future.

Visiting these blogs, and commenting on them is very hard for me.. the tears often flow freely even though I try to hide them from Adam. There is a part of me that wants to stop visiting all these sick children because when we lose one it is devastating and it opens old wounds all over again. And yet I cannot stop going to them - the thought that always keeps me coming back is, "What if people had stopped giving me support in my time of need?" What if my support system had decided it was too difficult to be in contact wtih me? I would have been all alone in my grief and that would have been worse.. far worse.. So I keep going back, and I keep commenting.. and I keep crying.. tears of joy for ever little battle won ( and tears of heartbreak for every little one lost ( I, to this day, don't think the people in my life truly realise how much losing Jorja affected me.. and will affect me for the rest of my days on earth. Every day completed is brining me closer to my reunion with my little girl. I love you baby.

I have to stop typing now.. feeling too sad.. sorry for the sad ranting.. I am sure that after a good nights sleep I will feel better in the morning..

Over and out..

1 comment:

Ninnles said...

Your sensitivity is what makes you Kerren - you can't change that. And I'm sure all these blogs you go to appreciate your comments and support as much as you would appreciate theirs in that situation. They wouldn't have a blog if they didn't want to let people in. But it is hard, incredibly hard. Maybe you need to find some other blogs to read that make you laugh sometimes too. Laughter is an amazing healer... this chick makes me laugh . I seek these blogs on my sad days. And sometimes you just need to have a good cry. It is therapeutic. There is no right way.