For Jorga

For my daughter on her day...

You are in my heart today and always..

It hurts too much to write today...

Lesson(s) my Son learned today..



This is how it went:

Me: "Caleb, don't lean too far over the edge my love, that water is dirty, and you don't want to fall in".

Caleb: "oooooh Mom, I am not a baby like Daniel, I can take care of myself".

Me: "Ok Caleb, but if you fall in, you know I am not coming in to get you.. who knows what is under that water".

Caleb: " Yeessssss Mom... 'sigh'".

10 minutes pass...

Splash.. followed by screaming.. high-pitched distressed screaming...

Caleb: "Mom.. sob sob sob.. hurry.. come get me out before something bad gets my feet.... sob sob scream sob".

I run over.. naturally.. haul him out.. he is wet up to his armpits..

Sitting down on the grass 5 minutes later.. hugging my "big boy" to my chest.. rocking gently..

Me: "Its ok my love, nothing got you.. and Mommy came to save you quickly".

Caleb: "Sob.. thanks Mom".

Me: "See my boy.. sometimes Mommy says things for a reason.. not just to spoil your fun".

Caleb: "Yes mom.. sorry Mom".

Ahhhh.. another small victory for mothers everywhere!

You have got to be shitting me...

Hello Powers that Be.. it's me again... and I respectfully ask.. ARE YOU INSANE???  Have you completely lost all rational thought? You have got to be shitting me???

Ok.. let me back up a second..

Recently (a few weeks ago) I was feeling strong, I had a game-plan, I was making progress and I was feeling optimistic.. this has now changed..

I am not in a happy place right now..

There are a few things (apart from the obvious) that are playing on my mind.. for one thing I feel like I am slowly being smothered by a blanket.. I am tired.. very tired.. All I want to do is sleep all the time.. I feel sad.. a lot of the time..and I am just without energy and drive.

It is Jorga's EDD in three days.. and this, as always, is weighing heavy on my heart.  Today when I was looking for a picture to attach to this blog I typed in the words "Are you insane?" and Google brought up a whole bunch of pictures for me to pick from.. but there was one which made me gag.. and then I sat at my machine and cried for a few minutes.. it was a picture of a still-born term baby.. thrown in a bucket.. There is so much I could write on this.. but I think its pretty obvious how I feel.. So in light of the fact that I am already feeling depressed and weepy, I will leave this topic.. perhaps for another day.. perhaps I will never blog it.. who knows..

On top of this, I am feeling  very depressed about my weight.  The scale says I have picked up 1 or 2kgs in the past month.. I know I am comfort eating again.. and I am struggling to get it under control..  I know that gaining a couple of kgs vs the 24kgs that I lost is nothing.. But all I see when I stand naked in front of the mirror is the mountain I was last year.. and it is seriously depressing me.. It is difficult though because I do not feel motivated to get on the bike at all.. I just want to sleep all the time.. zzzzz...

Add to this the enormous pile of things I should be accomplishing both in the house and in the garden and I just feel overwhelmed.. I am sure if I tackled a little every day.. say one project a day, I would feel some sense of accomplishment.. but I have no desire to do anything... except eat.. and sleep..

Today when I fetched Caleb from school I was informed that his class have been separated from the rest of the school due to an outbreak of chicken-pox in his class..  3 Children have come down with it over the weekend and they are expecting more.. None of my three boys (the big one included) have had it.  Yes, they have all been vaccinated against it, but so have the 3 children who are currently suffering with it.. so this is no guarantee.  So now I am wondering if we will escape it, or will this horrid disease rear its ugly head in my home..

Tomorrow I see DrKakka.. and I have no energy for it.. no desire to go.. If it were not for the fact that at least 3 people in my life would drag me there kicking and screaming if I tried to get out of it, I would cancel the appointment..

So.. why the picture of Zola Budd you may ask?  Well, Zola Budd is/was one of the greatest runners South Africa has ever produced.. And it is a standing joke in our house that when things get too tough or difficult for me, I want to run..  So I figured, given how I am feeling now, a picture of her would be appropriate..

Run Kerren Run...

The first step is admitting you have a problem...

Hello Darkness My Old Friend...

The mist rolls in on winds of hurt

And with it comes its ever constant companion..

Insomnia

Swirling around me in deceptively calm motions

So gentle from afar.. but in truth dense as the night itself

Filling my lungs..leaving droplets on my skin

Claustrophobic in its embrace and yet isolating in its despair

I know now as I have always known

That I need to hold on for the dawn

Dawn brings clarity

And at least the deception of strength

And yet the warmth of the sun is many moments away

Moments that last an eternity

The night drains my faith

As surely as the sun restores my soul

In this moment I am lost

Blinded

I long for the sure-footedness of day

In the darkness I stumble

I look to the east for the rising of faith

Hold on..

The Chicken or the Bribe?

I wonder how God feels about bribery?  I guess it is only a sin if you are not a card carrying member of the ANC - If this makes no sense to you, then you need to read this post.

We have local elections coming up in the near future, and it seems that certain councillors are trying very innovative ways of winning votes.. Gone are the days of campaigning to your community.. No more will they stand up in front of the crowds and declare their beliefs and points of understanding!  How antiquated the thought of telling the people how you want to help them.. or how you plan to improve their lives..No no, these are methods that are clearly not winning votes.. So.. the question is, how are the "fee pass into Heaven" ANC going to win votes?

That's easy... lets bribe the people with chicken.. "One Chicken One Vote" is the new slogan for our leading party!

"Community members are up in arms in ward 60 in Katlehong, Ekurhuleni, over claims that councillor John Thaba gave out chicken packs, money and alcohol to win votes in Sphamandla informal settlement. At least eight community members confirmed the chicken bribe claims.

Thaba would neither confirm nor deny the allegations levelled against him. “You can put it in the newspaper; it is not going to make any difference. I am still going to be a councillor. I can’t say whether they are lying or not,” he said, ending the call.
An employee of a major retail shop in the area said: “People came here with big trolleys and bought all the chicken. There was nothing left.”
A community member warned that councillors are taking advantage of poor people. After Sphamandla residents were fed chicken on the evening of January 8, they were then transported in a truck to a local school where they voted in favour of Thaba, said a source.
An elderly woman said her neighbours received chicken portions. “JT (Thaba) fed these people.”
A community leader said the gogo sitting in front of him on voting day unknowingly blurted out the chicken bribe scandal. “I overheard this old woman saying, ‘is he (Thaba) the one who gave us chicken yesterday’. She was not aware that it was supposed to be a secret,” the leader said." News24.com

All joking aside, I am absolutely disgusted by this story...

This man is using this community's most basic need against them - instead of helping them.  The people living in this area live in poverty.  They often do not know where their next meal is coming from.  And here is this man bribing them with food to get their votes!

I cannot blame this community for taking the bribe - if I were not able to feed my boys, if they were going to bed hungry most nights, and someone offered me a bag of chicken in exchange for my vote, I would take it in a heartbeat..  It would be very easy for me to sit here and judge and say, "but don't they understand that if he is willing to use bribery now, imagine the kind of corrupt behaviour he will exude once in power?"  He is focused on power.. nothing else.. but do you really think that matters to the mother of hungry children?

I know I am not alone when I say that I long for a party I can believe in.. I know that nobody is perfect.. and that there are underhanded things that happen in every area of politics to a greater or lesser degree.. I just wish I could find someone (or a party) who I can at least have some faith in..

Show me the light.. show me the way... Where can I make my X and feel proud of the choice I have made?

For my children..

So many things happening in my life right now.. so much occupying my mind..but no matter how busy I get, something will always happen that reminds me that the clock is ticking.. that the days are passing.. that once again the date draws near...

Jorga's EDD (Expected Date of Delivery) is drawing near.. Even after 7 years I still feel her passing as if it were yesterday...

It is always around this time of year and in the quiet moments that I miss her most.  Recently on Facebook someone made a comment that Adam and I should have a third child.. that we should try for a girl.. and everything inside me just crumbled.. I have a daughter, we are just separated.. but I know I will see you again one day my baby girl.. one day.. I just have to hang on.. and in the meantime your brothers keep me strong..

Mommy loves you honey
xxx

Photo Friday

 This is the mask Caleb and Zel made for Caleb to wear to school today - they all had to make one.. and I am not very creative.. Last year's mask was a disaster...lol.. This child is snake crazy.. and I mean CRAZY!  The mask is really awesome don't you think?

 The terrors..pretending they are sleeping so they can give me a fright..lol.. sweet little things!

This is what BabyBear looks like when he is really asleep.. how cute is this pose?

The only man who can get you into Heaven...

Ok.. so it has been a while since I have posted anything political.. that is due to the fact that nothing has grabbed my attention enough that I feel I need to write about it or my head will explode.. However, that has now changed..  This post has been bobbing around my brain for a few days, but due to my
preoccupation with my own drama, it has had to wait until today...

As you all know, I have been battling demons in recent months, and one of them is whether I am a good person or not.. Am I going to heaven or hell?  This question has now been answered for me.. I have a fool-proof plan of how to get into heaven.. All I need do is become a card carrying member of the ANC.. As long as I vote ANC from this day forward I will go to heaven - no matter anything else that I may do in my life!

How can I be so sure you may ask.. Well the answer is simple, a few days ago, Jacob Zuma (South Africa's President), said to supporters in Mthatha in the Eastern Cape: "When you vote for the ANC, you are also choosing to go to heaven. When you don't vote for the ANC you should know that you are choosing that man who carries a fork...who cooks people... "When you are carrying an ANC membership card, you are blessed. When you get up there, there are different cards used but when you have an ANC card, you will be let through to go to heaven."

Say What???

I wonder what God thinks of this?  I trust that he has his membership to the ANC paid-up.. otherwise he may be facing eviction.. Interesting concept. 

Another interesting question is who will be standing at the Pearly Gates.. hmmm... Could it be Saint Julius Malema?  Now wouldn't that be something?  I wonder if he knows he cannot have his mansion, fleet of cars and Rolex at the gates.. or perhaps because he is a member of the ANC he will be allowed to take these with him?

To all my international readers.. you have been warned.. Pay your membership to the ANC or you will be cooked by the man with the fork!

Amen!


They say the truth will set you free...

Yesterday turned out to be a very difficult day for me.

I knew that when I posted in the guest blog about self esteem there would be consequences; I also knew that there would be people who would not want me to post the things that I did, but I chose to write and express those thoughts because they are my truth.. and a truth that I have been hiding for so long and it is time to set it free, both from the insanity in my brain and to just stand up and be counted.. it was time..

(I know you cannot see this for the writing will just flow as you read it, but I am sitting at my desk now at 03:46 trying to formulate the words that need to be written.. but also attempting to verbalise them in a way that will be less harmful to others).

This post may be a little disjointed.. but I will try to pull it together at the end.. I beg your indulgence...

One of the questions that has plagued me for years is, "Was it as bad as I remember it.. or has my brain made adjustments over time due to my constant rehashing of the memories?"

DrKakka has answered this question for me in the past months.. He put it like this:

It does not matter whether my story is worse or less than someone elses.  It does not matter whether someone else suffered fewer consequences due to more severe trauma.  It does not matter if the memories have become distorted over time.  It does not matter if other people think I am creating a storm in a tea-cup.  It does not matter if there are people out there who could have dealt with the trauma I experienced without the need for therapy.  None of this matters.. The only thing that matters is that the trauma to me was severe enough, for me, that it is still affecting my daily life.. that I am still traumatised by it, and that I am AGAIN seeking counselling to come to terms with it..  Other peoples perception of my trauma matters not.. only my truth surrounding these events matters in my recovery.

And it is only since he explained it to me in that way that I have stopped feeling guilty for not being able to come to terms with it... that is.. until yesterday...

Yesterday the following sentence was written by a third party who only knows of my trauma through word of mouth after the fact: "but it's the truth that most people tend to ignore and focus on their own version to try and find comfort..."

And this is where I get angry... very angry.. and this is what has kept me from sleep tonight..  Now, granted, I may be interpreting this sentence incorrectly, and it may mean something completely different.. but every time I read it I feel "The Bitch" prowling the recesses of my mind... I feel the rage building.. and I know that I need to give her voice.. she was silenced for long enough... 

"find comfort"???  You really think that any part of what I am admitting to brings me comfort???  It was the worst experience of my life.  It has shaped and distorted all my relationships since then.  It erodes my self esteem.  It keeps me from trusting everyone and anyone who comes into my world.  It has made me cynical and aggressive to so many people who are only trying to help.  It has confused me and bashed at my confidence in myself and my abilities for 30 years.. and yet you say that I am trying to find comfort???

There is no comfort in this.. the only comfort I will find is when I finally spit it all out.. let it all go.. and know that it will no longer define who I am..

And as for ignoring the truth... Two people can experience the same story.. and yet have very different truths.. it does not make their truth any less valid..

Let me paint you a picture...

Wimbledon final...

Player A plays the best game of her life... She is on form.. she is strong .. and she is accurate..

Player B has the worst game of her life... Her form is completely off.. she is weak.. and her shots miss their target completely..

It is a walk over.. Player B is defeated so soundly that she refuses to play again..

Both parties experienced truth in this game... but their truths are completely different..

And so I will continue to speak my truth.. I will continue to heal myself.. for my sake as well as for the people closest to me.. I will not be silenced.. and I will not allow ignorance of my truth to make my reality any less valid...

Can you hear the crazy laugh?

Oh look.. it is Tuesday... and what does that mean folks? 

That's right.. you guessed it.. It is DrKakka day... yay lucky me!

Last week when I spoke to him about my inner bitch, he apologised for not showing her enough respect.. and for not taking her seriously enough..  Then he told me that my homework for this week is to research how you retrain a dog that has been abused.  He explained that when I described the spitting snarling rabid bitch behind the fence, she is probably more frightened than I am.. and it would be wise for us to know what we are getting into before we open the gate completely.. Not only that, we need to have a game-plan on how to deal with her initially, as well as how we are going to help her get past her fear and conditioning..

I know I know.. it sounds odd right?  That I need to research how to retrain an abused dog for my therapy session today..  But if I have learnt anything over the past months with DrKakka, it is that I have complete faith in him.. he has never let me down.. he builds trust.. and so if this is what he thinks I need to do for this weeks session, then this is what I will do..

There is only one problem.. I am struggling to focus..

I am a little distracted.. you see, I found a lump.  It is about the size of a pea..it is pretty hard.. it doesn't hurt.. I know that it is probably nothing.. very certainly nothing.. Surely if I were ill I would feel it?  And yet even having said that, there is still a very small voice whispering in my head "what if?'  Yes yes, I am completely aware that I am a Drama Queen - guilty as charged.. but...  It is still making me a little nervous.. There have just been so many people in my world affected by that illness, that I cannot help feeling a little stirring of concern in my tummy somewhere..

Eish.. But perhaps that is just an excuse to avoid my homework... Really don't feel like doing it.. but I guess I must.. wouldn't want to get into trouble with DrKakka..

Right.. homework time!

You think the other one was bad?



So.. if you think some of my posts in the recent past have been very personal and hectic, then you aint seen nothing yet!

Last week I participated in a Guest Blog.  It is run every week for women by a woman, and it concerns their self esteem.  It was very difficult for me to write - it was very honest, way more honest and in detail than anything I have posted on my blog to do with my insanity.  And I have spent the past 4 days trying to decide whether to post it on my blog or not.

You see, most of the feedback I have received lately about my very personal and painful posts has been very positive, but one or two people have hinted that perhaps it is TMI for my blog..  While I respect their opinions, I do not agree with them.  Part of what my blog is about is a place for me to be able to express without consequence.. It is my contribution to healing myself.. I love to write.. and I find it liberating to be able to send it out to the big wide world and let it go.  I think it helps me let it go if I give it to the world..

Anyway...

This guest post that I did for another blog sheds some light on the demons I am currently dealing with - On my blog I never give specifics, but on that blog I did... so.. I have decided to not post it here (for fear of shocking some of the old folk out of their socks), but it was a very healing post for me and one I am very proud of myself for having the courage to write...

Long story short.. If you would like to read it, please either mail me (kerrenr@gmail.com) or leave a comment here with your contact details and I will forward the link to you!

Happy Blogging!

Real or Not?

The Lady Bloggers Society - Writing Challenge

The Best Thing I Can Do For The World Is...

The best thing I can do for the world is to continue to challenge every belief system I have been taught but do not necessarily agree with...

Growing up in South Africa in the 80's meant I was exposed to a great deal of hate speech.  This was predominantly to do with racism, but also to do with many different types of prejudice.

As you all know by now, I am in a cycle of self-discovery, healing and change, and something that is very important to me now is that people do not judge me without knowing the facts. 

Anyone who knows me knows that I will not tolerate any kind of hate speech - especially around the boys.  I do not want them growing up with the same hatred in their hearts and minds that my generation was exposed to.  If you asked me to pick one life lesson that I think is most important for my boys to learn it would be "live and let live".

As a child and more importantly, as a teenager, I was taught (or heard) a great deal of prejudice, and when these lessons are taught to you during your foundation years they very often become part of your reality.  It is a constant choice (and even battle) for me to make up my own mind about prejudice-type topics.  My "knee-jerk" reaction in certain situations is to condemn people who do not come from the same race, culture, religion, economic standing etc that I was raised in - and I have fought all my life against these spontaneous thoughts because I do not agree with them.. at all... I am a firm believer in "live and let live".. not only do I believe in it, I practice it every day.  And even in this day and age I am exposed to prejudice all the time - but gone are the days where I will let these "voices" have any space or time in my existence.

The best thing I can do for the world is to ensure that the part I play in raising tomorrows generation is to instill a belief of love, honour and mutual respect; for it is only in this way that the scars of the past will heal once and for all in my beloved South Africa.

Wordless Wednesday...

When you gotta go...

Red or Pink?

I have become a member of The Lady Bloggers Society.  I know I am a day late with this, but I only found it today, and the Red or Pink challenge is speaking to me with a connection to my post of yesterday... so I am going to post it today!

Red or Pink?

When I think of these two colours at the moment, I see where I am and where I would like to be..

Red represents the rage and fear that I am currently facing... It is the colour of blood.. it lets us know we are alive no matter how much it may hurt.. I see red.. I feel it... I am desperately trying to make my way out of it... It is a hard colour... it is in your face.. and it is stubborn..

Pink represents the gentler feeling I am working so hard to find.. it is the colour of roses... and rose tinted glasses.. it is a soft colour.. it is calm.. it evokes feelings of all things girlie.. Pink is loving.. caring.. and easy on my soul..

The irony that Red is the colour of love for the commercial world but the colour of rage for me has not escaped me..

These two colours are so close and yet in such contrast for me when I align them with my current emotions...

I see Red
I long for Pink

One baby step at a time...

A tiny coming together of energy...

This picture is pretty much how I feel at the moment...

There is so much coming together... so many things on my mind.. so many things that require my undivided attention.. and I am struggling to prioritise.

I know that certain things are more important than others, but the ones I should really be focusing on seem to slip through the cracks of the constant slug of daily life.  Most of the time I feel like I am running around like a headless chicken.. making no progress, but never slowing down.

Today I see DrKakka again.. I keep looking at the clock knowing that the time is ticking down.. knowing that very soon now I will be sitting in that chair and he will be poking away at my brain.. eish.. My brain does not want to be poked at today.. all I really want to do is crawl back into bed and hide from the insanity that I know, without a doubt, he will release in today's session...

So I ask myself.. "why am I doing this?"  Why am I putting myself and my family through this stress and tension?  I have lived for 35 years with all of this bottled up inside me and perhaps I have not been the most stable or happy person on the planet, but I have coped...  Which leads me to wonder if perhaps it is not better to just put the lid back on... close the doors.. seal the gate... and let sleeping dogs lie.  The problem, is that the dogs are already awake.. I have blown a whistle straight into the ear of the dominant female.. and it is now impossible to put her back to sleep without a tranquiliser gun... 

I feel her pacing the dark corners of my mind.. and she is angry.. very angry... I woke her from her slumber and she is demanding payment for my insubordination. 

You see, her and I, we had an agreement.. I let her sleep, and she lets me live under the blanket of denial that her slumber provides.  But I burnt the blanket.. and now there is no turning back..

My conscious mind knows that I must calm her... understand her.. and release her from her prison if I am ever to have the chance of peace in my insanity...  It seemed so easy when I started therapy.  I figured that if I just faced her... let her voice be heard.. then all would be well..  She would have her say and be done with it.. and then my mind could rest once and for all.. But the closer I am getting, the more difficult it is becoming..  If I have to put it into a picture for you, then it looks like this:

Every week when I see DrKakka, he walks with me to the gate of the slumbering bitch.. He shows me where the key is hidden.. and he asks me to open the gate... I feel strong.. I am sure I can do this.. but as I move towards the gate, the bitter taste of bile and terror rise in my throat.. and I know, with a certainty that I cannot explain, that this could go very bad..  Instead of the bitch having her say and moving on, there is a very real possibility that she will drag me back into the cage with her.. That she is stronger.. more determined.. and more pissed off than I give her credit for..

I know that her rage comes from fear.. same as mine... But if there is one thing we are taught about vicious dogs, it is that we should never advance towards a snarling spitting terrified animal.. and yet this is what DrKakka wants me to do.. He has told me that I have nothing to fear.. that the rabid bitch inside my head is only a memory.. a piece of history that cannot hurt me.. that the only power she has is the power I give her... But I have fed her for so long... taken care of her needs so that she leaves me alone, that I am not sure how to stop doing it...  She is so much a part of me.. and she is so strong.. that if I give her the freedom to express, I am terrified that she is dominant enough to take over as the alpha... and where would that leave me?

And who does that make me?

Who would I become if she is in control?

Certainly this mask I show to the world would not fit her.. even if it did I know she will not wear it... but the mask keeps me safe.. it stops people asking questions... And God knows I hate them asking questions.. it suffocates me... it makes me run... but no matter how far or hard I run, the slumbering salivating bitch is stronger.. and faster...

So today I go to do battle again.. I am preparing myself mentally for the task ahead.. I am preparing physically.. polishing my armour... strengthening my muscles.. taking my energy tonic...

Perhaps today will be the day she is released..

If I do not return .. well... I can only warn you to pay attention to the dark places.. you could be next on her list...