He is like a G&T after a long hot dry day...
He is a new way of looking at the same old thing..
He is expression without consequence...
Who is he? He is my therapist... and he is fabulous!
Anyone who is close to me knows that I have been in a rough patch recently... In fact, anyone who reads my blog probably knows it too... And I know that some of the topics I have blogged about have not been well received by some of my readers, but this blog is about me.. and my thoughts.. and my feelings.. It is my truth, and my state of mind... and tonight's post will be no different.. so you have been warned!
I have been to many therapists in my life.. many.. many.. many.. and I have always gone into therapy with a sense of hope, that perhaps this time will be different, perhaps this is the person who can help me. The bottom line is that none of them ever have and I always leave feeling less hopeful and less connected to the world than when I started.. Until I met Doctor B!
I have been seeing Doctor B for about a month now and the change is undeniable! Doctor B has a way about him that makes me feel like I am having a beer with an old trusted friend, rather than feeling like I am being inspected to see just how insane I really am.
There is a question that has plagued me most of my life; a question that my soul has tried to answer for many years. It is a life quest question, and one that I only share with those who are absolutely closest and trusted by me. I have spent so many hours in therapy trying to answer this question, and no therapist has ever been able to show me a way of thinking that I can believe in... a way of looking at things that speaks to my spirit.. Until I met Doctor B!
He has a way of showing me things that I have never seen before. He is able to speak to my soul in a language that I can understand, and not only understand, but believe in! He sees things in a light that is completely foreign to me, and yet is like a light in the darkness.
Adam, more than anyone, knows the question in my soul - and for many years Adam has been telling me the same thing that Doctor B is telling me. The difference is that while I trust Adam's judgement above all others, I have often felt that it is influenced by his love for me, and love is blind after all. Doctor B has no emotional attachment to me, he has no reason to tell me what I want to hear. I would even go so far as to say that Doctor B is only as good as his last patient - which means that helping me must be more important to him than telling me what I want or need to hear.
Over and above that, Doctor B does not treat me like a crazy person, nor does he judge any of my actions or anything I tell him.. (I love that about him by the way - he never passes judgement). He listens, and then responds - but it is not the fact that he responds, it is the way he words things that has me almost hero-worshipping him. He never pulls his punches, and always says exactly the truth as he sees it. The amazing thing to me is that the truth as he sees it is comforting to my soul.. it creates a space for me to believe that all is not lost.. that there is hope.. and that the answer to my soul question may not be as terrifying or dramatic as I have always believed.
Today I hashed out an aspect of my "soul question" that I have dealt with many times before. It is one that I have offered up to every therapist I have ever been to, and the result has always been the same - the therapist gives me an answer from a psyche book, and I leave feeling weak and wounded. Doctor B, in the space of a few short sentences today, opened my eyes to a truth I have been searching for for so very long. He said 3 or 4 sentences that have caused a change in my spirit that I never thought possible!
This week has been very rough for me, I have been in a very dark and lonely place. Not only am I struggling with insanity inside my head, but I have also been feeling guilt about the amount of money that it costs us for me to see Doctor B. You see, at this time of year our health insurance is completely exhausted - so Caleb's play-therapy and my soul quest therapy have to be paid for in cash. And I have been struggling with being able to justify spending so much money on my therapy when money is tight... However, because of a complete emotional meltdown I had at the beginning of the week, Adam persuaded me that it is more important for me to see Doctor B than for me to worry about the money.. Adam was so determined that I keep going to my appointments that I let him take the lead - if Adam feels so strongly about me keeping up with my appointments with Doctor B it must be important.
And I am so very grateful that I listened... not only to Adam, but to Lizelle as well... Lizelle has very quickly become a foundation for me.. and between the two of them (at first I thought they were ganging up on me) they ensured that I keep going to Doctor B. After spending one short hour with him today, he has lightened the heavy burden on my heart... I can truly say that I am happy .. and at peace tonight for the first time in ages..
So I have to say thank you..
Thank you to Lizelle for seeing through my bullshit. And not only seeing through my bullshit, but for seeing through the bullshit that others have poured into my life..
Thank you to Adam.. for standing by me.. even with all my insanity... thank you for standing strong when I am weak.. thank you for taking the time to see my truth even when others are making their own assumptions..
Thank you to Doctor B.. for finally switching on a light that nobody else has been able to find..
My spirit, for the first time in so very long, believes that there is hope..