For what am I searching?

The truth is that I have never been a religious person - I have always felt that something is missing from inside me - now don't take that the wrong way, what I mean is there is a part of me that is not complete.

Over the past few weeks the feeling has been growing and during this time I have felt a very strong pull towards something spiritual. What that something is, is anyone’s guess, but I have definitely been feeling the need to connect with something greater than humanity.

I, like many people, had a bumpy childhood and some of my early experiences (dealings with spiritual teachers especially) left me feeling disillusioned and without faith, but as I get older, I realise that faith and spirituality have nothing to do with others - it is about me, my faith and what I believe in. The question is, what do I believe in?

My complete faith in the fact that Jorja, while not “alive”, is still with me and I that I feel her close to me, leads me to believe that there must be more. It cannot just be that we live and we die.. there must be something else.

About a year before Daniel was conceived, someone (whom I had never met before) told me that my daughter watches over me and is often with me – this validated my belief that I feel her near me often, but how could this lady have known about her? She also told me that my son was ready to be born and was just waiting for my soul to be ready to receive him.

Before Daniel was born, I went to see a Reiki healer to see if the use of Reiki would be able to turn Daniel from a transverse position to a head-down position. While I was there, the lady refused to do any Reiki with me – she said that Daniel had a message for me and that Reiki was not part of the greater plan. Some of the message was very personal, but one part that I do want to share is that she said that Daniel (his soul) had chosen us as parents because he had something to teach us about faith and spirituality. She said that Daniel will lead us (and especially Adam) to God. She said that Daniel has a special connection to God’s Angels and that he will be a very spiritual and religious child as long as we (and especially me) give him the faith and freedom to become who he must be. The weight of that responsibility weighs heavily on me.

Since his birth, I have spent many hours pondering this problem and asking myself some very tough questions, with the result that I am now more confused than ever..

For what am I searching?