For the benefit of my international readers - Kak translated into English is shit... and if something is kakka it is crappy.. or shitty... ok.. all on the same page now? Good.. then let us begin..
Today was my weekly appointment with my shrink.. I wish I could find a better way of putting this, but as you can see from the picture, I am under the impression that I may be slightly mad. DrKakka (formerly DrFeelgood) is of the belief that I am trying to convince him that I am mad to avoid the real issue at hand... I am still not ready to share this issue on here, but I hope to get to that point one day.... ANYWAY....
The reason DrKakka has been renamed, is that in times gone by I always left his rooms feeling uplifted.. and with a sense of hope that all is not lost and I may make it out of my current crisis alive and intact. This is no longer the case - we are way past the point where I usually back out of therapy and one of the main reasons for this is because I trust DrKakka more than I trust some of the people in my every day life. He always gives it to me straight.. whether I want to hear it or not.. which is something I have never had from a therapist before. For example, this morning I said to him that what I really want is to be given access to the file he has on me and for him to let me see all the crazy little notes and comments he writes about me... I want to know what he truly thinks of me and my insanity.. And the oddest thing happened.. He lent forward and gave me my file.. without removing anything.. or making justifications for anything.. He let me read the whole file.. This pretty much stunned me...and won enormous trust with me..
However... he is still DrKakka... and not DrFeelgood... because every week he makes me get closer to facing the worst demon I have ever known..
Last night I had a nightmare from hell.. literally.. with demons and torture and all sorts.. And when I told him about it this morning, he pretty much explained it as I knew it to be true.. but there where parts of it that I could not identify.. parts that he very easily explained to me.. and it really does fit.. It's not something that could mean one thing or another.. Its a very definite message from my subconscious.. So that set the tone for today's session.. but boy was it hard work!!!
Last week he made me write down all my thoughts about my irrational fear of a certain..umm.. how do I put this? Umm... irrational fear of a certain item.. yes, that's it, lets call it an item. When I took it to him today he was actually chuckling in a few places.. After he read it, he asked me why I don't speak that freely in our sessions. It was at this point that I explained to him about my blog.. and the fact that I would far rather be writing than speaking about my insanity.. I also told him how much it is hurting and hindering me that I am unable/unwilling to write about my insanity on my blog. DrKakka is truly a genius... He said that from now on he will give me homework every week in the form of written work... which seems to work better for him and I... and this week I have to write all my thoughts down as if I could blog them.. and instead bring them to our next session... yay.. This should give both of us insight..
So.. he is still DrKakka at the moment, but at least there seems to be progress!
I am extremely proud of myself for having stuck with this therapy.. Although, if truth be told, I think it has as much to do with DrKakka as it does with me.. Either way, I am pleased that I am facing my demons.. one small nightmare at a time..