Monday, 17 January 2011

Clench and release..

So... anyone who knows me knows that I suffer with back spasms every couple of months.  My usual treatment for this pain is to get a member of the family (they are all pretty good at it by now) to give me a shot of Voltaren in the bum.  Unfortunately we have run out of the stuff, and seeing as this particular spasm has been coming on for days, it is pretty painful by now..

So this morning, as I was doing my usual dashing around the shops, I stopped in at the pharmacy and bought a whole bunch of the ampules plus a few needles.  Now.. here is where I went horribly wrong - I decided to ask the nurse in the pharmacy to give me a quick jab (mind out the gutter Lizelle) as it will be hours before Adam is home and I need relief from this spasm NOW!

It did not even occur to me that she may be the devil in hiding... She was wearing a very official looking nurses uniform.. It evoked a feeling of trust in me that was sorely mistaken!!!  So I drop my jeans and present my right bum cheek - she whips out the needle and slams it into my bum.. At this point it dawns on me that she is about as gentle as Arnie on a bottle of tequila.. eish...

As she is pumping this liquid into my cheek, I feel my bum muscles begin to contract and release.. this has never happened before.. I feel a slight sheen of sweat break out on my forehead and it is at this point that I know I am in deep deep trouble..

As she draws the very sharp needle from my bum she slams it down into the seat of the chair I am leaning on... a trickle of sweat is released from my forehead and runs down the side of my face.. only to drip onto the seat a few inches from the needle... She then rubs vigorously on the area where the needle was inserted and says, " There you go.. all done... so much easier when you know what you are doing".  EASIER??? for who??? 

As I begin putting my dignity back together (thank goodness I wore the new "without holes" undies this morning) and straighten up, I can feel my bum still clenching and releasing... hmmm... I gingerly take a step towards the till to pay for "the devil's brew" and every time I place my right foot on the floor my bum cheek releases.. every time I pick the foot up the cheek clenches.. I am now walking in a sort of hop-skip-jump movement and am feeling very self-conscious indeed...

I stand in the queue at the till trying desperately to stop twitching from one bum cheek - there is a rather short man behind me in the queue.. and as I am 6ft tall, and he is about knee-high to a grasshopper, I just know he is watching my bum clench and release - this knowledge increases my bodies response to stress.. and I am now sweating like a mine worker in the 8th hour of his shift..

I hop-skip-jump my way out of the pharmacy and into my car... I drove straight home.. and am now sitting at my pc typing this post while still clenching and releasing every few seconds... My only thought at this point is that I have to go to "orientation" evening at Caleb's school in a few hours... Please God.. hear my prayer.. please let my bum be returned to normal status before I get to the school.. it was only 3 days ago that the puking/snot incident happened .. all I need is for my cheek to have a mind of its own while I am mixing with the "hoity-toity" parents this evening.  I can just imagine the chatter in the parking lot tomorrow morning.. "Poor Caleb.. its a wonder he is normal at all with a mother like that.. what was she thinking.... You know, I hear she was arrested for a DUI once.. tsk tsk.."


5 comments:

ICMozzy said...

I’ve always said that your cheekyness will get you in trouble.

Mmmm this reminds me of this one time at band-camp when I also asked a nurse for a quick jab...

Marina said...

Babe this is hilarious!! I am sitting at my desk laughing so much that my work peeps are looking at me funny!!!
Hope it all sorts out before tonight!! x

Dhananjai Rao said...

Oh, thats something very interesting and you shared it in a logical way. Love reading this blog. Laughing and praying at same time :-)

Dhananjai Rao said...

hey i have recently started blogging and would love if would have a look at that www.iiintuitve.blogspot.com

Kerren said...

Hi guys,

Thanks so much for the comments - always nice to hear other ppls thoughts on my ramblings!