So this morning, as I was doing my usual dashing around the shops, I stopped in at the pharmacy and bought a whole bunch of the ampules plus a few needles. Now.. here is where I went horribly wrong - I decided to ask the nurse in the pharmacy to give me a quick jab (mind out the gutter Lizelle) as it will be hours before Adam is home and I need relief from this spasm NOW!
It did not even occur to me that she may be the devil in hiding... She was wearing a very official looking nurses uniform.. It evoked a feeling of trust in me that was sorely mistaken!!! So I drop my jeans and present my right bum cheek - she whips out the needle and slams it into my bum.. At this point it dawns on me that she is about as gentle as Arnie on a bottle of tequila.. eish...
As she is pumping this liquid into my cheek, I feel my bum muscles begin to contract and release.. this has never happened before.. I feel a slight sheen of sweat break out on my forehead and it is at this point that I know I am in deep deep trouble..
As she draws the very sharp needle from my bum she slams it down into the seat of the chair I am leaning on... a trickle of sweat is released from my forehead and runs down the side of my face.. only to drip onto the seat a few inches from the needle... She then rubs vigorously on the area where the needle was inserted and says, " There you go.. all done... so much easier when you know what you are doing". EASIER??? for who???
As I begin putting my dignity back together (thank goodness I wore the new "without holes" undies this morning) and straighten up, I can feel my bum still clenching and releasing... hmmm... I gingerly take a step towards the till to pay for "the devil's brew" and every time I place my right foot on the floor my bum cheek releases.. every time I pick the foot up the cheek clenches.. I am now walking in a sort of hop-skip-jump movement and am feeling very self-conscious indeed...
I stand in the queue at the till trying desperately to stop twitching from one bum cheek - there is a rather short man behind me in the queue.. and as I am 6ft tall, and he is about knee-high to a grasshopper, I just know he is watching my bum clench and release - this knowledge increases my bodies response to stress.. and I am now sweating like a mine worker in the 8th hour of his shift..
I hop-skip-jump my way out of the pharmacy and into my car... I drove straight home.. and am now sitting at my pc typing this post while still clenching and releasing every few seconds... My only thought at this point is that I have to go to "orientation" evening at Caleb's school in a few hours... Please God.. hear my prayer.. please let my bum be returned to normal status before I get to the school.. it was only 3 days ago that the puking/snot incident happened .. all I need is for my cheek to have a mind of its own while I am mixing with the "hoity-toity" parents this evening. I can just imagine the chatter in the parking lot tomorrow morning.. "Poor Caleb.. its a wonder he is normal at all with a mother like that.. what was she thinking.... You know, I hear she was arrested for a DUI once.. tsk tsk.."