A little bit of what you like...

Firstly... I know I have linked this blog before, but I love her.. she is one of my favourite bloggers to read simply because she always causes a reaction of some sort in me, be it to make me think or to make my morning coffee come out my nose with the first true laughter of the day..so please check out her blog!

What else... umm... well I thought I would give you an update on family matters.. seeing as I have not done that in a while..

Daniel - Sweet little baby-bear..  This child amazes me everyday, as I have mentioned before, Daniel's command of the English language is incredible!  At 23 months he uses words like delicious and exhausted - not only does he use these words, but his enunciation and inflection are darn near perfect.  Daniel is still eating like a horse, and growing at about the same rate too - one thing I never have to worry about with him is his nutrition.  When Caleb was younger, his nutrition was a constant battle as he was not keen on eating.. Daniel is more like a hoover...and I love it!  We are also in the early stages of potty-training with him - this is not our doing, but rather his.  I know that he is slightly young for it, but he is showing us all the signs of being ready.  He is very interested in the toilet, and will frequently ask me to take his diaper off so that he can go potty on his own.  I am in no rush however, and am just letting him do it at his own pace.  We are struggling to get Daniel off the bottles, and I know that this is almost a pre-requisite for successful potty training.. he is rather hooked on his - he uses it as a "blankie" more than anything else.  I am rather calm this time round though, and am not forcing the issue.. I am just slowly and gently limiting his use of the bottle if and where I can.. I know that he will let it go with a mixture of help from me and maturity from him.. all in good time..

Caleb... brave.. strong... turmoiled Caleb!  I sometimes believe that Caleb is just too far ahead of himself.  He has been identified many times, and by many different people as an Indigo child.  Now, while I recognise that this term is highly controversial, let me just say that Adam and I are both staunch advocates that too many children are labelled with ADHD or ADD these days.  We both feel that parents and doctors are far too eager to label children with this illness and then administer drugs, rather than to find a way to help the child without turning them into zombies.  Having said that, let me just make it perfectly clear that we know that there are very real instances where a child genuinely has ADHD and requires medication, we just believe that it is used too easily these days as a means to control and subdue wilful children.  Right, now that we have cleared that up, lets get back to Caleb..  As I mentioned in this post, Caleb has been having some difficulty at school - this is also now spilling over into home life.  Without going into too much detail, we have just felt that Caleb is struggling a bit, and we do not seem to have the right tools, or the right "map" on how to help him.  So, after much deliberation, as well as consultation with trusted friends, family members and Caleb's teacher, we decided to send Caleb to a Play Therapist.  This is someone who is a clinical psychologist, but who specialises in children.  The therapist we chose is a lovely lady who I was actually in school with, but we did not realise this until we met her.  We were referred to her by another parent (who we trust implicitly) and who is sending her daughter to see this therapist.  Adam and I want to try and help Caleb before he gets older and it becomes a real problem.  If we can find a way to reach him now, and in turn allow him to reach us, then we can build trust rather than resentment - we believe that this is critical in his early development so as to avoid larger problems in the future.  Anyway, Jo (the therapist) is one of the people who has told us that Caleb is an Indigo child - and this is one of the reasons we like her so much!  She is trained in the science of psychology, but she is also a believer and follower of alternative and holistic healing - which means that she is open to whatever avenues the child may need, rather than just medication!  Caleb has been for 3 "play dates" with her so far, and he loves it.. and she has picked up in 3 sessions things that we have not told her.  I am very hopeful that she will help us find a way of making it easier for Caleb to be understood, and therefore less frustrated all the time.

Adam - Ahhh.. what can I say about this man... (that won't get me into trouble tee hee hee)!  Work is really heating up for him at the moment and my usually laid-back husband is taking some strain - add to that the fact that his wife has been causing him all kinds of headaches lately, it is a wonder the poor man has not been carried off to the funny-farm - although the jury is still out on that one, because anyone who has been in my house at suicide-hour will know that our house is very much like a funny-farm.  I am still in the process of trying to persuade my husband to take up cycling with me, but I don't think this is going to happen... For starters, the other day as I walked through the house, I caught Adam looking at the bike as if it had been spawned by Satan himself.. so I am getting the idea that I will be cycling alone.. or at least not with Adam lol!

Me... ah well, the family grapevine has been doing a good enough job of telling everyone what is going on with me, but for those not in the know, I will elaborate.  Almost three weeks ago now I was arrested for a DUI.  It was past midnight and I was driving home with a friend.  The legal limit in South Africa is .28, I was at .45.  I had had two drinks - I thought you were allowed two?  Turns out you are only allowed one..  Anyway, I was pulled over in a regular road-block - it is not like I was all over the road, or caused an accident...  So they pull me over, and because I was driving someone else's car, and my licence was in my car, I red-flagged myself... So they take me over to the van to check my ID number and breathalyze me.  Needless to say I failed and was subsequently arrested.  I was arrested with tons of other people that night and we were all thrown in prison.  Due to there not being a detective on duty when we were brought in, we were forced to spend the night.  It was a very traumatic event, the details of which I am unwilling (for a number of reasons) to share here.  I was released on the Saturday morning and appeared in court on the Monday.  All the charges against me were dropped and life goes on.. enough said..

Even just recalling the event in such minor detail here for you is enough to make me feel agitated and snappish.. so based on that, I will end this post now and go and hop on the bike... A brisk 20 - 30km cycle should clear out some of the agitation!

hi ho hi ho, its off to cycle I go..

Weekend Away - Wordless Wednesday

 Really struggling to lose the last 5kgs...

Music Monday

So I have been posting some pretty banging dance tunes recently... so I decided to slow it down... This is one of the greatest rock ballads of all times... stirs something in my soul that is not often woken...

It's the weekend Baby...

It is a long weekend here in South Africa.

We have decided to go away for the weekend!  So as I sit here and drink my morning coffee, I am planning all the things I have to do before we can leave... Life is not as simple as it used to be.. I remember the days when all I had to do was pack a bag before I could hop in the car and leave for a weekend away. 

Things are different now..to say the least..lol  It always takes me a good few hours to get the four of us ready to leave.. I have to remember all sorts of things, from pain and fever medicine, to the correct book on dinosaurs... because if I pack the wrong book, bedtime will be a nightmare (for everyone). And I have to fit a ridiculous amount of gear into a car that seems to shrink in size by the second...

So basically what I am saying, is that I am sitting here avoiding the inevitable... I hate the packing.. hate it with a passion... grrrrr... but if I don't do it I cannot be sure that we will have everything that we need... which makes me a psychotic control freak I know

And now that I have run out of arbitrary things to say, the time has come and I can avoid it no longer...

hi ho hi ho its off to pack I go!

Guest Blogging

Soooo.... following the idea of guest blogging, here is my first guest blogger!  I am very excited to have her write on my blog.  I love the way she writes and greatly admire the way her mind works.. it just seems to tick on a different level to most mortals... I have been trying to persuade her (for a while now) to start her own blog.. hopefully this will get her moving in that direction...

So.. without further blah blah blah from me...

The Ying and Yang of I


Most of you on this blog don’t know who I am. The majority of you will probably not even look twice if I were to walk past you in a busy street. A few of you might just stop, turn around and notice my fictional character walk into a building. Kerren was one of those people. The difference is that not only did she stop to notice me but she also took time out of her busy life to get to know me.

I don’t know how many of you here know Kerren on a personal level, but she has a way about her that entangles your attention in a web of intellectual conversation and emotional honesty. It is refreshing, to say the least.

However, I’m not here to blow sunshine up Ms Rennie’s ass – even though I know that she loves every second of it. I wish to use this moment to assist you in understanding what Kerren has helped me see.

I have always had certain dualities of my own true self that have, along the years, created a sense of balance within fictional aspects of who I am, in order to win approval from who you are. I don’t believe that I am alone in this, as our conditioning, the expectations of our parents – society all play a role in the image that we choose to portray to the world.

In the past year I have been forced to face the true essence of who I am. Circumstances and fate compelled me to come face to face with both my light and my dark which forced me not to be blinded by the fictional character that I created. And it is only since Kerren and I have been in touch that I have become increasingly aware of my dark side. You see, with Kerren I don’t have to hide. I expose myself every time we speak and in doing so I learn about myself more and more every day. I have come to certain conclusions. I have noticed things about my character that may seem ugly to some. I have even had big debates with myself about my actions and the consequences that may follow. Slowly but surely the honesty about who I am has been peeling away at the layers of this artificial character, and today, as I stand here alone with nothing but my words to fill the void left by what I have lost, I can truly say – This is Me.

I have come to realise that the truth about who I am always comes in the form of dualities. I am a truthful, honest human being who lives by the principle of harm to none, but when faced with fear, with a love that refuses to see all sense of reason and denies all ethics – I can become deceitful and selfish. When challenged by extremes I will counter with extremes. When threatened by hatred or by the misconceptions that people may have of who I am – I will stand firm and stubborn defending the choices I made, even if I think that there may have been a different path – a higher path.

I refuse to believe that I am the only one in this realisation, and in no sense do I endorse the selfish actions of our dark sides, nor do I support the notion of ‘The Devil made me do it’. What I am doing, is revealing my truth and showing you that denial of this reality will lead us only into a deeper sense of deceit. What I am trying to say, is that by embracing this realisation of self - understanding will follow, and with understanding comes respect and with respect comes acceptance.

I have been blessed to find a person that seems to accept me without fear. I have found a friend that I have exposed myself to – I have revealed all – and I am left feeling more loved in this honesty than I have ever felt in my misleading efforts to be perfect.

So I ask all of you – Go home tonight, stand in front of the mirror and be honest. Show your husband, your wife, your girlfriend, boyfriend, dog – whatever – just show yourself to a person you trust and I guarantee you that you will be opening doors that will lead you to self realisation and Love.

This is a truth that has been taught throughout the centuries, but that has only recently found my conviction.

Mapia

Wordless Wednesday...

Guest Blogging...

Okay.. so I know I have to write a blog about what happened last weekend... I know I need to.. both for my sanity and yours, but I am just not ready to do it yet...   I need to put some space and time between the event and my head.  I want to be able to write it from an objective point of view and not from an emotional one.  You all saw the emotional posts from the weekend.. and I don't want to go there again.. so I am going to give it some time.. The writer inside me will know when it is time to get it out...

So.... moving on from that...

I would like to do some guest blogging.. We could swap blogs for one post.. Or, if you do not have a blog, you could just guest blog on mine.. I figure this would give us exposure to new audiences as well as fresh ideas..  Obviously the owner of the blog will have final say on what is posted on their blog.

If any of you would like to participate in this, please drop me a mail, or comment on this post and lets get the creativity flowing and sharing...:)

Music Monday...

In honour of Neill, Tabatha, Simon, Vivi and all the other nameless faces who were imprisoned with me on Friday night...

Continued...

Such a bad space.. I am in such a bad space.. and usually writing (or typing) about what is going on in my head helps me to clear it... but not today... I am in a fog.. a mist.. it is suffocating.. I cannot see more than a step or two ahead of me.. I am literally taking it moment by moment.. I am struggling to breathe..

I am trying to hear the advice that I would give a friend in this position... but that is not helping either... I have always been the kind of person who withdraws from everyone when I am dealing with something.. I go into myself until I am able to figure out how I feel about something... and if I close my eyes now and picture myself, I see another version of me slowly building the walls.. one brick at a time... one layer at a time... the wall is going up, but it is taking too long.. I need the protection now..

The wall will function as a cocoon... I need it desperately to not only keep others out, but also to keep me in.. to hold the pieces together.. I feel like parts of me are escaping through the cracks... running out of the holes in my defence.. I feel like I am numb and in pain all at the same time..

I am in shock... I know I am in shock... the logical side of my brain recognises the signs of shock.. and yet that doesn't make it easier.. I can't seem to stop crying... but its not really crying... I can only accurately describe it as weeping.. I have been weeping non-stop for 16 hours.. How long does shock last? I have no idea.. what comes after the shock? I have no idea about that either... and on top of dealing with this suffocating fog inside of me, I also have to deal with all the thoughts and well-meaning advice that others will undoubtedly pile onto me in the coming days and weeks..

I feel dizzy... faint... heavy... I am not sure what the result of this will be.. I cannot even begin to see that far ahead.. but for now I feel physically ill... the last time I remember feeling this fog in my head was when we lost Jorga.. I have the same need to protect myself from the world.. to crawl into a little hole and turn my back on the world until the shock passes...

I have to stop typing again now... exhausted again.. and my face and eye are throbbing.. I need to go and lie down for a bit.. but I will type again... this will probably come out in a few posts rather than one coherent one...

One minute life is calm.. the next all hell breaks loose...

OMG... This can't be happening...
How did I get here..
It was the darkest of nights..
The longest of nights..
The most frightening of nights..

Frightening is not really the word..
Terror... pure, blinding .. terror
I am frozen..
but I feel the sweat running down my spine..
I don't understand how I got here...

I am literally freezing..
I know I have toes.. but I can't feel them
They are numb... and the numbness is spreading..
but that is nothing compared with the constant fear
fear is the only constant..

I sit with my back in a corner
Legs pulled up tight
Watching
Waiting
Praying
Begging

The stench is over-powering
It seeps into every corner of the room...
and every ounce of me
I try to not gag
but it is rising

I hear the sounds of normal life outside
How long until life feels normal again
Will it ever feel normal again
Perhaps this is the new normal
Perhaps this is my future

OMG that thought is more terrifying than anything that has gone before..

My eye has started to swell
I keep touching it.. which is making it worse..
Dirty hands on a cut can only lead to trouble
After a couple of hours I know my eye is infected
Not only that, my face hurts where it hit the gate

I just want to go home...
I read the writings that women before me left on the walls..
Hour after hour I come back to the same one:
"Oh God please help me,
Why have you left me here?"

But it is not God who has put me here
It is my own stupidity
I thought I was bullet-proof
It was a surprise to learn I am not..
Was there not a gentler way to teach this lesson?

and again the fear

I know someone is watching me
A trickle of sweat down my spine again
Should I make eye-contact
Should I pretend I see nothing
And then it occurs to me that she is staring at my boots

And for the second time in as many hours
The thought crosses my mind that if anyone threatens me
I will stick the heel of the boot in their eye
I know.. shocking right?
But you cannot possibly judge unless you have spent hours trapped in my hell

I hold on to the light at the end of the tunnel..
It is faint.. and so very far away
And perhaps it is all in my mind..
But I hold on to that safety

I have to stop writing.. it is exhausting...

Do you understand Quantum Mechanics?

They're coming to take me away ha ha hee hee to the funny farm where life is beautiful all the time...

I scored 19.886363636363636% on this test... How did you do?

Music Monday

Like last weeks song, this song makes me get down and shake my tail feathers... completely different songs, but they both rock the world!

Silence...

The words won't come
Fingers on the keys
Waiting
Ready
Desperate to write
To express
To give voice to thought
To utter that which we know to be true

But the words won't come

The frustration takes hold
Agitation
Fingers on the keys
Eyes staring out the door
With every keystroke greater the distance
Further away
I bring this forth with sheer strength of will
Remember to breathe

Silence

(Almost) Wordless Wednesday

So.. after my complete rant in this post, I decided enough was enough... so here, in pictures, is my weightloss progress.. I am about 75% of the way to my goal weight. I have lost 17kgs (34.7lbs) and still want to lose another few to be completely happy...

Yes.. that is me in the middle in black.. at my heaviest I have ever been.. this picture was a real wake-up call for me..expecially since I had already lost 1 or 2 kgs..

I feel much better... enough said..

Have you figured out the answer yet?

I cannot even figure out the question.. let alone the answer...

Have you ever felt like one minute you are strolling along in your life, whistling a happy tune, perhaps watching a fluffy white cloud float on by.. seeing the beauty in the day... and then out of nowhere it all turns to poop...?

Everything that you thought you knew is no longer part of your reality? The things you thought you believed are now being tested... Which brings me to the question of what is the most important question?

If you had to choose one question, as being the most important one in life, what would it be? There are so many options..so many questions that masquerade as "The" question.. so how do you spot the genuine one from the intruder.. the fake.. the liar..
Why am I here?
What is my purpose?
What is my soul's lesson on this visit?
Am I doing the right thing?
What if I choose Option B?
If I make this choice, how will it impact the rest of my life?
Am I a good mother?
Is making this choice the right thing for my children?
Is chocolate really bad for you?

All good questions... but which is the question that determines the fate of your soul for all eternity (or at least on this visit until you get another chance)?

And what if I get it wrong? What if I am sidetracked by a question that seems important at the time, and in doing so I miss the real question... which means that I will need to repeat this cycle does it not?

And what if it is already too late? What if I missed the lesson? What if I was so busy with "the modern life" that I completely missed the lesson that was intended to grow my soul...?

Arrrrgggggghhhhh... yes.. to say the least.. I am feeling frustrated by all of this..

But there is a light at the end of the tunnel..

Very recently someone came into my life who seems to have the same kind of questions I have, the only difference is that she seems further along the path than I am..

Which brings me back to an earlier post (I cannot link you to the earlier post as I was forced to delete it.. yes.. literally forced)... People come into and out of your life when they are supposed to...

So I will breathe..
Slow deep breaths..
One question at a time...

Music Monday

I loved posting that song last week... I am a typical girl.. there are songs that just appeal to me - some have emotional meaning.. some just rock me to my core... so each week I am going to post a video to a song I love.. or has meaning for me...

So here is this weeks video.. this song makes me turn the volume way up and dance around my study like a crazy freak... Thank you world for giving us music that has this effect!

Please stop.. I cannot hear myself think...

Someone asked me recently, why it is that I am mostly only able to blog when I am miserable.. or perhaps not when I am miserable, but when I am feeling negative emotions? They said that perhaps we only write about the emotions that are the strongest in us.. and that perhaps I should try and write (or find) the love..


Well.. they may have a point... because this morning I am struggling with negative emotions, and I have a few tough things to think about... and guess what? .. that's right... I suddenly feel like writing.. The problem though is one that I have mentioned before... There are some things I am unable to write about here.. because of sensitivity and privacy for some of my readers..


So I have been sitting staring at this post for the past twenty minutes trying to figure out what to write next...see.. all the words and thoughts flying around my head I cannot write here.. So it doesn't matter what I write about now, the writer-voice inside of me will not be silent until I get the thoughts out of my head and "onto paper" or screen.. as it were.. Which brings me full circle.. Perhaps I should just write the blog post I want to.. give freedom and voice to the thoughts in my head and suffer the consequences later.. But it doesn't seem fair to discuss other peoples issues on here for the world to see..


So I hold my tongue... bite down... try to silence the voice that begs release from the prison of my mind..

It is no use...the noise grows louder and my ability to shut it out grows weaker... it is making me crazy... I honestly feel a little crazy... I must get it out or I will continue to feed the poison...

But not here...
not for the world to see...
Just for the person it is intended for..
so I must leave the blog with this weak attempt at a post and swiftly turn to email ... I must do it now...

the noise is deafening..

If I had to choose one that speaks to me...

Dixie Chicks - Not Ready To Make Nice (Official Music Video). Watch more top selected videos about: Dixie Chicks

This song means so much to me... it always has... the message just speaks to my soul.. It is a very "chick" song, but I love it nevertheless...

Wordless Wednesday - Caleb's 5th Birthday Party