Friday, 19 March 2010

How do I love thee? Let me count the ways..

Thanks Jase for being the inspiration behind this post..:)

Jason raised an interesting point with me recently - He asked, "Why is it that we don't see ourselves the way others see us?"

It is indeed a thought provoking question..

I have been pondering this issue for the past two days.. trying to come up with a list of things I like about myself and things I don't. Also to try and see myself through other peoples eyes and figure out how they see me. It has not been an easy task I can promise you that.

This is what I have come up with thus far:

What I like about myself:
I have compassion for strangers
I try to see the good in people
I will give a cold person the shirt off my back
I do not hold grudges (most of the time)
I trust peoples intentions
I am stronger than even I sometimes realise
What hasn't killed me has made me stronger

What I don't like about myself:
I am over-weight
I can be lazy
I tend to dramatize too much
I speak before I think
I can be sneaky
I can be manipulative
I have a quick temper
I am domineering
A win-lose result is more acceptable to me than a lose-win
I am not always mindful of the feelings of those I love
I have a tendency to be selfish and stubborn about certain issues (sorry Mel)
I am impulsive
I am absent-minded
I am not convinced I am a good person
I wonder if perhaps I have a "not so nice" soul?
I do not spend enough QUALITY time with my boys
I am not pulling my weight financially in my household (sorry love)

Okay.. so that list is so honest it worries me that I have put it out there for the world to see. However, when I began this blog I wanted it to be a true reflection of my thoughts and ponderings.. so there it is.. Now, if I have to turn it around and write what I think other people see in me, it looks a little different..

What I think others like about me:
I am always fun at parties
I am easy to talk to
and that is as far as I can go with this list.. pathetic isn't it?

What I think others do not like about me:
I am over-weight
I can be lazy
I tend to dramatize too much
I speak before I think
I can be sneaky
I can be manipulative
I have a quick temper
I am domineering
A win-lose result is more acceptable to me than a lose-win
I am not always mindful of the feelings of those I love
I have a tendency to be selfish and stubborn about certain issues (sorry Mel)
I am impulsive
I am absent-minded
I am not pulling my weight financially in my household (only for family obviously)

I sometimes wonder if the people in my world will one day wake up and see me for the person I am terrified I really am.. If they will see the sneaky and manipulative behaviour? If they will see all the flaws and short-comings I try so desperately to hide? What will I do when the boys are old enough to see the truth in me rather than just accepting me as a loving mother?

After 10 years together, I believe Adam knows me better than anyone.. and yet the thought that he may one day decide he just cannot live with my insanity anymore frightens the life out of me. Adam is one of those good souls on earth .. he truly is... He is the one who moderates my temper, he brings a calm (most of the time) to my storm. Surely this must wear him down? How long can he be the anchor which keeps me in-touch with humanity?

And yet through all of these thoughts there is a tiny voice at the back of my mind telling me that this is ridiculous.. I am not a rapist.. I am not a murderer... I don't steal, fight, cheat or blackmail. I love my boys and believe they are being raised in love. I love my husband and realise how blessed I am that he chooses to spend his life with me. I love my family and my extended in-law family. I have only a few friends, but they are good friends. Surely then I cannot be such a bad person? There must be good in me?

Perhaps likeable and unlikeable are relative and it depends who you speak to?

Perhaps it has something to do with the theory of nature versus nurture? How much of who I am as a person is genetic, and how much is a result of lessons I learnt as a child...

But that is a topic for another day.. for now the blogging voice inside my head is quiet.. It has stopped screaming the words I needed to type.. it is satisfied.. and I am exhausted..

These are the ramblings of my life..

2 comments:

Out There said...

You can add :
-I am an awesome mom
-I am a loyal and trustworthy friend
-I see the good and bad in situations and I'm not afraid to express my feelings.

...to your list of things other people like about you.

My personality is very similar to yours and I am often over critical of my flaws. I will not however make excuses for who I am - if you choose to be my friend, partner, lover, you know what you are letting yourself in for and while the ride may be bumpy, it sure won't be boring !

Your Husband said...

Good gracious how wrong you really are, (You made me say good gracious dammit).
I know this post was mostly rhetoric but due to my lifelong commitment to you I have certain right and privileges I can exercise.
We have spent these 10 years learning and loving one another and truth be told I still don’t know everything about you and I hope I never will (Imagine how dull life would be). However that which I do know is more perfect than any self berating list you could come up with and your list is very skewed. So I will as your husband make my own list for you.

What I love about my wife.
You are stronger than even I sometimes realise.
You can be sneaky.
You can be impulsive.
You are domineering but I like that. Wink, Wink.
You tend to dramatize a lot.
You sometimes speak before you think, but that just gives me ammunition to rebut.
You are absentminded but then so are most mothers it’s biology.
You make a mean crock pot stew.
You made my boys and made them perfect.
You make a home that oozes warmth and love.
You are fun no matter where you are
You make me think and exercise my brain in ways others can’t
Your children love you for loving them
You make me wonder how lucky I was to find you.
You make me love you more every day.
You love me.

What I dislike about my wife
Your inability to free yourself from past guilt/pain whether it’s yours or not.
You cannot see the truth I see in your due to (insert first point here).
Spending another minute on the, "I'm a bad person" wave length; (See what I love about my wife list).

Dammit I wish I could come up with more things I dislike (that actually matter) but most of the things you dislike I love.

Beautiful lady, loving mother do you honestly think I would spend another minute with you if I believed your list. Look at mine and for once believe me when I say, “I'm right”.
Female readers everywhere are silently hoping you wont break the unspoken rule but look at what I wrote and see you as I see you.