My bum has no purpose

Stuff my 3-yr-old says:  

 Me: Daniel, did you make a stinky?

 Daniel: No Mamma, my bum is quiet. you did it!

 Me: I am a lady Daniel, ladies don't poop

 Daniel: Then what is your bum for?



Gossipers, Hypocrites and Backstabbers

The first time I met M she was a sweet as syrup.  She seemed so genuine and welcoming of me that I completely let down my guard - Zel and I both thought this was someone we could both have as a friend... little did I know...  You know that old saying about keep your friends close and your enemies closer?  Well it certainly applies to this one..

Towards the end of last year when things went sour between Zel and I, Zel spent a great deal of time with M - considering her a friend.  M and her "gang" spun a whole bunch of lies into Zel's ear - this in turn fuelled Zel's rage towards me.  They spent a great deal of energy telling Zel what a terrible person and pathological liar T was.

About a month into my relationship with T, M suddenly turned on Zel - and then started telling T what a terrible person Zel is and how I was better off with T than with Zel.

I know this is confusing, but stay with me...

When T and I broke up, M was suddenly best friends with T again and spinning all sorts of lies into T's ear .. which she is still doing..  About how Zel and I were actually still seeing each other behind T's back.  Say what???  This is completely ridiculous, as Zel and I were not on speaking terms for the entire duration of my relationship with T.

Now bring into the fold K..  K was supposedly Zel's best friend (who is now sleeping with Zel's ex girlfriend W).  K was also always so sweet to me.  I opened up to her about some very personal things to do with my childhood.  As far as I knew, K and I had built quite a friendship and she went to a great deal of trouble to tell me how she will always be there for me.. and how much she liked me... blah blah blah.. Only for me to find out very recently that K told Zel that she had never liked me... not even from Day 1.  I have been so hurt by this revelation as I opened up to K about some very personal issues, which I am sure are now being used as dinner conversations for all of them. 

A couple of weeks ago Zel and I went to a party, K was there, and she hugged and greeted me like a long lost friend.  What a two-faced bitch!

Now lets get to Zel's ex-girlfriend.  W has been against Zel and I being together from the start.  In the beginning I held my tongue, and gave W the respect I thought she deserved being Zel's ex.  Zel explained to me that W was just raising concerns for Zel's involvement with me out of love for Zel and wanting to protect her from getting hurt by a married woman with children - this respect has now gone out the window... why you may ask?  The answer is simple..

1.  W has always said that I am taking advantage of Zel and not looking out for Zel's best interest.  I find this incredibly difficult to believe when W is the one who has taken from Zel everything she can in order to further herself.  She has borrowed, begged and stolen from Zel and has now left Zel in a very tough corner that is difficult to get out of.  W came to Zel and begged for Zel to do something for her that would put serious strain on Zel's life.  Zel did it out of love for W... on the condition that certain things were completed by the end of last year... these things have still not been completed and when Zel asked W for help, W's response was, "sorry, not at this time"  Which has now left my long suffering girlfriend in some trouble.

2.  W always said it was me she didn't like, that I, with my complicated life, was bad for Zel... However, when Zel and I were out of contact, Zel dated someone else.  Someone who has no complications and truly is as sweet as syrup.  This girl too was met with the cold front and W and "the gang" were less than welcoming to this soul too.  Which leaves me to question whether W just wants Zel to be single and miserable so W can keep leeching off Zel for the rest of her life.

Now add to all of this that Zel was left to figure out for herself that K and W were seeing each other.  Neither of them gave Zel the respect she deserves by telling her face to face that her ex girlfriend (they dated for about 9 years) and her best friend were in fact sleeping together.

Now enter the fact that W, K and M are all close friends... and have completely cut Zel out of their lives because Zel and I are now dating. 

After our fallout last year, my friends too were sceptical about Zel and I getting serious, but my friends have accepted Zel with open arms, and are taking the stance that if I am happy, then they are happy.  Zel's friends however have completely cut her out and abandoned her - not only that, they all deserted her for the celebration of her 30th birthday - how cruel can people be???  The pain that this caused and is still causing Zel is something I will not soon forget.

So.. to the three of you:  My time of keeping my mouth shut to all of you is done.  Last year you thought me weak because I let you carry on and never stood up for myself.  That time is now over.  My strength, as well as my resolve to protect my girlfriend from your gossipping, lying and selfish ways is more formidable than you think...  So I say to you.. watch yourselves.. and if you see me walking towards you, run and hide.. I will no longer be quite to your sanctimonious, hypocritical ways.. and if you have something to say about me, then for the first time in your lives at least have enough of a spine to say it to my face.

To my friends, I wish to once again say a big thank you, from both Zel and myself, for showing us what true friendship is all about

For Jelly...

Bunny Boilers, Stalkers and Psychos

There seem to be so many bunny boilers around at the moment...

In the past month I picked up a stalker.  I am not exaggerating...  The VERY short version went like this:

Met a chick... Made it very clear that I do not want to be exclusive with her.. Also made it very clear that I was not looking for a relationship of any sort, and that I was dating other people.  Fooled around with her for 5 days.  On day 6 I told her that we could not get together that night because I had other plans - enter the bunny boiler!

Starts accusing me of sleeping with people I have never even met - I am good, but getting laid by someone I have never met is beyond even my fabulosity.  The abusive and aggressive text messages start here.  She drives past my house on numerous occasions to see who is visiting me.  Sends me messages about hiding cars in my garage so as to pull the wool over her eyes - Say What??? 

Firstly, we never dated, we only fooled around for a few days.  Secondly I am a 36-year-old woman, I do not need to hide anything from anyone.  Thirdly, the person who was actually at my house visiting that evening is now my girlfriend - Thankfully, all the communication that went back and forth between the Bunny Boiler and myself from this point on was witnessed by Zel (the afore-mentioned girlfriend).

The Bunny Boiler then starts threatening people to stay away from me, that they are not allowed to be friends with me - and all the time she is doing this, she is lying through her teeth.  She tells me one thing, and tells the other party a completely different story.  However, she is so far gone, and so delusional that she actually believes her own lies... it is something to witness, I will tell you that much..

She continues to stalk me, bumping into me in shopping centres, driving up and down my road.  She is bipolar though, because one minute she is all sweet and kind, and the next threatening me again.  It gets to the point where I am literally scared for my safety.  I call my security company and give them her car details as well as a personal description of her - the next time she threatened me I told her to leave me alone.  To never contact me again.  And I told her that I had given her details over to my security company... Her response was: "When I am done with you, you will need more than just a security company for protection".

So by this point I am completely freaked out... I can't sleep anymore... noises in my house or on my property make me jumpy.  I worry that she will come for me at a time of day when she knows I am alone... and when nobody will think anything of it if they don't hear from me for a while..

The last time she threatened me I sat up crying and scared the whole night.. At 4am Zel woke up to me losing my mind and fearing for my safety.  At which point my long suffering girlfriend had now had enough.  Zel then proceeds to tell the Bunny Boiler to stop picking on me and to rather pick on someone her own size.. and strength...like Zel...  She was warned very clearly that this must now come to an end.  Since then, I have not heard from her or been threatened again - this was almost a week ago...

Which brings me to my point...

Most stalkers and bunny boilers are merely playground bullies who never grew up.  I know that by me blogging this I may be opening myself up to further abuse by my particular bully, but the time has come for us to stand up against this kind of abuse and threats.  Bullies get their kicks out of your fear... and they feel safe in your silence. 

Well I for one will not stay silent.  Too many of our children are the victims of abuse in schools, and I believe that it is up to us to show them that there is nothing to be ashamed of, that you cannot let your fear keep you muzzled.  Most bullies retreat when met with resistance - as mine has done since Zel stood up to her.  I am still frightened of her, but I will not let fear dominate my life.  I for one am speaking out..

Lead by example!

Top 10 Tips - from Lesbians to straight men

WARNING:  This post contains language and terminology that sensitive readers may find offensive.  Discretion is advised.

This post has been a long time coming.. but I am finally at the point where I think that a certain "group" in society really need a little help in looking less like idiots... so here goes:

This list is my Top 10 things straight guys should avoid saying to LESBIANS and why they should be avoided.

1.  I am also a LESBIAN

Dude, while you may think this a hilarious way to break the ice with a LESBIAN, I can assure you that we find it rather annoying.  Firstly, it is a sin against nature for anything with a penis to call themselves a LESBIAN.  Secondly, it may have been funny the first time we heard it, but after the 6000th time it is just rather a yawn for us, and we pretty much know every straight guy on the planet is going to say it to us at one point or another.

2.  How can you call it sex without a penis/penetration?

This one makes me want to slap you on the forehead just to see how quick your reflexes are!!!  Dumbass!!!  Just because there is no penis, does not mean there is no penetration, and any man who is stupid enough to ask this question is mocked and laughed at by LESBIANS everywhere... because it is thinking like this that makes it so much easier for us to lure your sisters into our beds..  No wonder there are so many un-satisfied straight chicks in the world, when so many straight men believe sex is about penetration.

3.  You just have not had the right penis yet

OMG.. this one never fails to get the response of my jaw dropping on the ground.  This happens sooooooo many times.  I will be in a pub and some guy is hitting on me.  Usually I will try to dissuade him gently, however, if the message is not getting through, I will usually respond with "Honey, you are just not my type, but if you introduce me to your sister..."  It is around this point that it dawns on him that I am gay.. and 9 times out of 10 they will then make the comment that no woman is truly gay, we just have not had the right penis yet... implying that I should try their fabulous specimen.  And it is usually around this point in the conversation that I ask him to picture himself having sex with the barman, and as the would be suitor gags on the thought, I point out that I feel pretty much the same at the thought of having sex with the barman.

4.  Who is the man in the relationship?

There is no man in the relationship dumbass... that is the whole point!  Now, granted, it may look to you like one woman is dominant in the relationship, but just because one of the women does not wear dresses and make-up, does not make her the dominant partner, it is just her personal choice when it comes to her appearance.  This does not however always roll-over in to the bedroom.  Have you never heard the term "butch in the streets and femme in the sheets?"  If not, I would be happy to explain it to you.

5.  Can I join in?

I know this may come as a shock to you, but if we wanted a man to join in our sexual escapades, we would pick one of any number of salivating gentlemen.  Also, if we wanted a man in our bed, this would technically make us bisexual and not LESBIAN.  While there are gay women out there who once in a while dabble with the opposite sex, we more often than not do not appreciate this offer.  If we want you in our beds, we will make the move...  So you should live by the rule that if we don't ask we are not interested.  And just to make it clear, I am not one of these women who dabble across the bridge - I burnt the bridge when I crossed over.

6.  Can I watch?

There is absolutely nothing appealing about letting a man watch me make love to my girlfriend... I know this also may come as a surprise to you, but fantasising about you getting an erection whilst watching me bring my girlfriend to orgasm is more like a nightmare than a sexually stimulating thought.

7.  Prove it!

This one is just so stupid it usually just makes me turn around and walk away without even responding.  It really does go hand-in-hand with numbers 5 and 6.

8.  It is such a waste that a woman like you is gay

In the words of a very clever LESBIAN I know, "As if we were put on this planet purely for the pleasure of men!"  I promise you that me being gay is seen as a beautiful thing by other gay women.  The only waste was the oxygen you stole from the planet to make this idiotic statement.

9.  If you like butch women, why don't you just date a man?

Listen dumbass, this one usually makes me ask you if you went to special school???  A butch woman is still a woman - and it amazes me that I have to explain it to you.  There are all different kinds of women on this great big rock, and just like you may have a personal type that you are attracted to, so do I.  I am not generally attracted to femme girls - While I can appreciate that they are sexy, beautiful or attractive, they usually don't get me all hot and flustered.  A tomboy, or butch women is a completely different story.  I love the way their strength swirls around their softer sides.  A butch woman may look all tough and masculine on the outside, but I promise you that in private she is all woman, and she knows and understands my needs in a way that only a woman can.   She may be wearing biker boots and a button down shirt, but underneath the clothing her skin is soft and her curves are in the same places as mine.. you do the math!

10.  Are you sure?

WTF?  Are you sure you shouldn't sit down before you hurt yourself thinking so much???

So listen up boys, the next time you meet a LESBIAN and are tempted to say one of the above... rather don't!  Just keep your dignity and ego in tact and either change the subject or try your luck with someone else, because with us you are just flogging a dead horse when you continue to buy drinks for a woman who was clearly not interested the first time you used your "tried and tested" pick-up line.

One step at a time

This weeks Music Monday goes out to a very special person... together you and I are going to climb these mountains looming so large in front of us...