More and more I am learning what a complete control freak I am... don't get me wrong, I have always been aware of the fact that I am a bit controlling.. and demanding... and perhaps a little anal on certain matters (the first step is admitting you have a problem)!
I have been dealing with a few things in the past week. Firstly, I am seeing someone new.. (please hold while I take deep breaths into a brown paper bag).
You have to understand that this is a terrifying prospect for me - I am brought to my knees by all the things that go along with the prospect of a new relationship. I have been so secure for the past 12 years - so convinced of the love I was receiving, that being in a place of uncertainty is proving rather taxing for me. The constant need for balance between heart and head is exhausting.
Knowing who I am as a person, some of you probably know how much weight I place on listening to my instincts - my instincts have served me pretty well in the past - and when they fail me, Adam and Zel were always there to provide a safety net and help me through. Times have changed though, Adam has moved out and Zel walked away. To be honest, we kind of walked away from each other, but the deep places inside me that still feel her leaving find it easier to think that she walked away from me. So, for the first time in 12 years I find myself truly on my own - and this fills me with the most crippling fear you can imagine. At the same time however, it fills me with incredible excitement - who knows what the future holds???
I apologise... I digress...
Lets call her Kiwi...
Kiwi entered my life like a tropical storm. The attraction (from my side) was instantaneous and undeniable. We were both tied up elsewhere however, and we remained just friends. Very recently this friendship has developed into more than just friends...
Now this is where my head and heart are in turmoil... so I will give you both..
My heart adores her.. She is like nothing I have ever known before. I was warned against her... told to stay away from her... told she is trouble.. she will break my heart.. But she has never shown me any of these things. Kiwi says all the right things... She tells me what my heart wants to hear... There are times when we are together that I feel so completely in tune with her it is frightening... Kiwi treats me like nobody else exists.. most of the time..
Then there is my head, or my instinct... call it what you will..
My instinct tells me over and over again that something is amiss.. That all is not as it should be. If you ask me to pinpoint what my instincts are telling me I cannot... It is merely just a feeling at this point. Sometimes she seems so far from me.. Like either her mind is completely in another place, or that she is not happy with me.. Something is troubling her. Perhaps I am not who she thought I was... Perhaps she is learning I am not what she wants... I don't know.. All I know is it is making me crazy.. And when I talk to her about it she tells me I am imagining things.. that nothing is wrong... That there is nothing she is not telling me.. But still the voices speak on in my head.. telling me "caution"...
This has been making me crazy for a few days now... So today I spoke to Adam about it... he is the only voice of reason I have who I know without a doubt has my best interests at heart.. And Adam said something that has really struck a chord with me... He said, "It is what it is"!
And I think perhaps I need to trust in this.. Who knows, perhaps something is bugging her.. perhaps she is not as happy with me as I am with her... Either way, she is not opening up to me.. Perhaps I am just used to being around people who find it easy to express themselves... Perhaps she just needs time... I don't know..
So it is what it is... One day at a time.. me fretting about it will not help this situation.. all will be revealed when it is meant to be... So for now...
I have to try to let go of all my controlling ways...
It is what it is...
3 comments:
some people talk easier then others some people spill their guts to what ever is happing in their lives their feelings their thought and other are thinkers and action people....this kiwi person might just to be looked at as what does her action say...i take myself im not a big talker i battle all my life i come out of a huge family and very Afrikaans where if someone say something you do it and kids is seen and not heard so you have to understand may be her background how she is glue together and how she operate before looking for fault or mistake. it is now the time to enjoy each other to get to know each other and learn how to work together and stand together....yes listen to your heart and head as you call it but breath and trust action more than words...some of us are talkers other are do people some of us are just their with no reason or anything but we all have purpose in life and reason for breathing and loving....we all dream we all fear what ever it might be we do it and try to live with all of that plus then a partner and friends and family...life is a jol and fun but life is hard and full of stones on your road it the depends on us what the out come is going to be with the choice we make and the pro and cons that jumps out of that choice....it is what it is can be read in many ways positive and negative....the same with her and the way she is or isn't...make the best of life and love...and never judge a book by cover or hear say may be you say you didn't listen to those who told you stuff but in my opinion it looks like you got some of the stories seeds and are looking after this garden of seeds it is up to you to give her fair chance or to walk with this seeds in your head and heart and nature and give them water or forget about all the crap and give you and this person a fair chance on happiness and love....read you positive on your blog and work on the rest with her understand her and get to know her look at her actions and feel...and remember not all person are the same she is not Adam and not Zel or anyone you know she is who she is and you like or love her for that....
When one has trust issues (I know I do), it can be difficult to just accept things at face value & live in the moment.
More often than not, we are waiting for what we believe will be the inevitable breach of trust, and so we do not fully give ourselves over to simply accepting things as they stand.
This can lead to us missing out on relationship opportunities. After all, once bitten...
I do think though that we have that little voice for a reason. While we need to learn to give others the benefit of the doubt, I don't see any harm in being cautious.
Perhaps we need to make up our own mind about an individual rather than listen to the advice of others. At the same time, where there is smoke, there is often fire (or at least something smouldering).
So trust yourself and your own instincts. Be mindful of the feedback of others, and know that within time, a person is bound to make their true self known.
All we can hope is that whatever our experience, good or bad, we can take something from it that will make us grow as a human being.
Good luck and all the best with your new direction...set sail and enjoy the varying currents of the ocean that is life, my friend, they can be sooo rewarding!
Your friend in Oz. (You know who I am).
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