Friday, 20 August 2010

Dear Jorga,

It has been exactly, to the hour, 6 years since I learnt of your passing.. I remember the day so clearly, time has not dulled it....

I remember sitting in the Doctor's room with your Daddy next to me.. I remember fear gripping me because I was worried that something was wrong.. I remember Daddy taking my hand and telling me jokes.. making me laugh.. making the time pass.. I remember lying on the bed and watching Dr Baker get out the gel to rub it over my belly... I remember holding my breath as the image of you popped on screen... I remember feeling my world close in around me.. I very clearly remember thinking, "this can't be happening.."

I remember the ice-cold blanket that seemed to cover me... I remember hearing the voices in the background... I remember Dr Baker saying that it's not the end of the world.. that these things happen for a reason.. that there will be other babies.. I remember thinking that only someone who has not had their child die inside their womb could make such a stupid statement...

I remember lying in the hospital bed crying like I would never stop... As they wheeled me into theatre I remember asking God to let me die on the table... I remember wondering what would happen to your body... I remember my last conscious thought being, "They are about to rip my child from my womb".

I remember the weeks that followed... I remember feeling dead inside.. I remember asking God why must my mind still function.. why must I still think... I remember trying to drown everything with alcohol and pills.... I remember waiting until Daddy went out to the shops.. I would stand in the kitchen and watch his car pull out the driveway.. then I would literally lie down on the kitchen floor and sob until I couldn't breathe or until I heard him coming back.. whichever came first..

I remember the pressure to "pull myself together"... I remember going out in public and wishing everyone around me would just go away (a nice way of putting it). I remember learning to hide my pain because the world expected me to get over you in a "regular" amount of time.. I never did.. I still haven't..

Today as I was going about my business I was watching people around me.... watching them go about their day as if 20 August is not the saddest and most devastating date on the calender.. I want the world to stop... I want all the noise and chaos to stop.. and for just one second I want to hear your voice saying "mommy"...

My heart breaks today as it does every year on this day... as it will every year on this day for the rest of my life....You were here so briefly... you were taken far too soon... but you existed... you are real... and I will remember... Mommy will always remember...

I miss you Jorga... I miss you most on days like today... I miss you in the quiet times... and in the times of chaos..I miss you every time I see Erryne.. you would have only been a few months apart.. every time I look at her and see how she is growing, what she is interested in... how sweet she is at this age, I miss you...

Your brothers keep me so busy...and they are the only things that seem to ease the pain and longing for you...I will give them everything I have in this world, and when I take my final breath it will be with a happy heart that it will soon be your time with mommy...

I love you baby girl..

Love
Mommy
xxx

1 comment:

Momcat said...

One never knows the sadnesses that live in a woman's heart and mind just from looking at her life from the outside. So sorry you lost your precious daughter. From one mom to another.