Continued...

Such a bad space.. I am in such a bad space.. and usually writing (or typing) about what is going on in my head helps me to clear it... but not today... I am in a fog.. a mist.. it is suffocating.. I cannot see more than a step or two ahead of me.. I am literally taking it moment by moment.. I am struggling to breathe..

I am trying to hear the advice that I would give a friend in this position... but that is not helping either... I have always been the kind of person who withdraws from everyone when I am dealing with something.. I go into myself until I am able to figure out how I feel about something... and if I close my eyes now and picture myself, I see another version of me slowly building the walls.. one brick at a time... one layer at a time... the wall is going up, but it is taking too long.. I need the protection now..

The wall will function as a cocoon... I need it desperately to not only keep others out, but also to keep me in.. to hold the pieces together.. I feel like parts of me are escaping through the cracks... running out of the holes in my defence.. I feel like I am numb and in pain all at the same time..

I am in shock... I know I am in shock... the logical side of my brain recognises the signs of shock.. and yet that doesn't make it easier.. I can't seem to stop crying... but its not really crying... I can only accurately describe it as weeping.. I have been weeping non-stop for 16 hours.. How long does shock last? I have no idea.. what comes after the shock? I have no idea about that either... and on top of dealing with this suffocating fog inside of me, I also have to deal with all the thoughts and well-meaning advice that others will undoubtedly pile onto me in the coming days and weeks..

I feel dizzy... faint... heavy... I am not sure what the result of this will be.. I cannot even begin to see that far ahead.. but for now I feel physically ill... the last time I remember feeling this fog in my head was when we lost Jorga.. I have the same need to protect myself from the world.. to crawl into a little hole and turn my back on the world until the shock passes...

I have to stop typing again now... exhausted again.. and my face and eye are throbbing.. I need to go and lie down for a bit.. but I will type again... this will probably come out in a few posts rather than one coherent one...