Lonely

It has been 12 years since I have lived alone - It's a third of my life.

I have never understood how people can say that they are lonely - especially women who are just coming out of divorce.  I have always thought stop being so ridiculous, there are plenty of places to meet people and to increase your circle of friends - you just have to get out there and make an effort - now that I am in the same situation, I understand how difficult it really is.

It is not that I don't have friends, or people to spend the day with, it's just that the loneliness is present even when I am surrounded by people.  It is something that sits deep inside me and is continuously there - even when I have family or friends right in front of me.

There is a hole inside me that seems to be growing...

There is still no doubt in my mind that I have chosen the right path for me, and yet this feeling of disappearing, of not really being alive is gnawing away at my soul.  I have met some truly amazing people in the past couple of weeks - people who I know if I gave them a call now and said, "lets do something today", most of them would make the effort to spend time with me - and yet the emptiness still grows.

It is becoming a bit of a vicious circle - the more the emptiness grows, the less I want to go out and be around people.  And the less I go out and be around people the more the emptiness grows.  It is growing at such an alarming rate right now that I am beginning to wonder if I am not suffering with a bit of depression?

This thought seems absolutely ridiculous and plausible at the same time.  It seems ridiculous because I am in a space in my life where I have never been happier with who I am and the choices I have made, and yet it seems plausible because I am finding it more and more difficult to get out of bed in the mornings.  Every night when I go to bed I tell myself that tomorrow will be different.. tomorrow I am going to do something fun with the boys, or invite friends round, or take the boys to visit family.  And yet every morning when the sun rises all I really want to do is stay in bed and watch the day pass through my window.

Some days when the boys are not here, I just lay on the bed for hours and stare out the window... Literally hours can pass without me realising that time is moving on...

I know that it will take time.. and I know I need to take it one day at a time... but there are old friendships that I miss very much right now.. there is something about old friendships that is very comforting at times like this...

Having said that, there are a couple of friends (some very new) who are a constant source of positive energy and light to me right now.. Debbi, Les, Tray, Lynn, Trace, Cat, and especially Blom... You guys are worth more to me than you know.. thank you for always looking out for me



Johannesburg Pride 2010

 Can you believe that this guy actually walked around like this the whole day???  I figured due to the sensitive nature of some of my readers, I would show you the view from behind and spare you the full frontal!

 And these guys were in full Playboy Bunny gear.. unfortunately they took off the shirts before I could get a picture!

 This was hilarious!  This girls shirt says, : Pasop vir die darkies.  Which, translated into English means, "Beware of the darkies" I am not going to go into this in detail.. if you do not see the humour in this T-Shirt, then you have never lived in SA!  We had such a good laugh with this girl.. she must have the most wicked sense of humour of anyone I met there!

 I felt rather manly next to these two "ladies"

 She asked me if we could hurry up and take the pic as she had so many eligible people still to meet..lol

 Ahhhh... the boys... damn it was so hot standing here..

Lizelle's idea of heaven... tsk tsk, we all have our dreams!

Last Saturday I went to Johannesburg's annual Gay Pride March - this year marks the 21st anniversary of this event.  I was invited to Pride (those in the know simply call it Pride (apparently)) by Lizelle who is very quickly becoming a close friend of mine. 

I cannot say that I was not a little nervous.. I was sure that I was going to be the only straight person amongst 50 000 gay people.  Lizelle assured me that I would be perfectly safe as apparently I do not feature on the Gaydar (If I need to explain Gaydar you should not be reading this post) at all - now, I know I am a little weird, but I kind of took offence to this... oi.. chicks.. never happy!

Anyway.. I have to say that it was one of the best days I have had in a long time.  Everyone was so friendly and welcoming.. there was no aggression.. no fighting.. and no bursting testosterone that usually goes along with drinking beer in the sun - although, having said that, there was plenty fluffing of tail feathers.. prancing.. and of course the inevitable wrist waving..

For the benefit of my heterosexual readers, here are some interesting things I learnt about the gay world that you may not be aware of:

1.  Only straight people use the word lesbian.

2. Unless you are talking about the angry lesbians - if you are speaking of them, it seems to be acceptable to use the word lesbian...

3.  Due to my unwillingness to upset the angry lesbians, I will not go into detail on how to spot one.

4.  Just because your legs look better in heels than mine do, doesn't mean you should be wearing stripper heels - it takes years of practice to pull this off.

5.  If you insist on wearing heels and very little else, you should at least shave or preferably wax.

6.  If you do not understand why you should not be saying the word lesbian, it is too late to google it.

7.  The gay world is far less hung-up on shallow things than the heterosexual world.

8.  They are also far more accommodating of your prejudice than you are of their lifestyle.

9.  They don't care what you think.

10. Nor should they have to.

11. Feathers are not a special occasion accessory, but rather a life changing necessity of the modern world.

12. Good support is vital no matter which body part you need to wear it on (see picture 1).

13.  If someone who weighs more than you pinches your bum, you should thank them from the bottom of your heart for giving you any attention at all.

14. If we all could live and let live, this world would be a happier place.

15. The most important lesson I learnt last weekend, was that prejudice is born from fear of the unknown.

I had an absolutely rocking time with Lizelle, Kim and ALL the girls on Saturday... and you can be sure that next year I will be there with bells on.. literally.. I think it is time bells make a comeback!

Wordless Wednesday - Caleb's 5th Birthday Party

Concerning Australians..

So... a special treat for you today.. I am allowing Jason the Aussie to guest blog..I did not place any restrictions on him and let him write about anything he likes - thankfully he was sober during the writing of the blog, or I probably would have had to edit some content. Please note that all Aussies swear - it is a national sport in the outback - at least he managed to insert the stars and dashes..lol.. Depending on your reaction to his post, I may let him write whilst under the influence next time - that would surely be a learning curve for most of us...

So.. without further ado.. I give you Jason..

I guess a brief introduction is due here. My name is Jason (yes the previously mentioned one). I am a 37 year old Sparky from Adelaide, South Australia, who had never before left his home country. All that changed though, on January 23rd 2010 when I took off on the first leg of my world tour, destination....... Johannesburg.

For some, the destination of Johannesburg may seem unusual for a novice traveller (hell most people here questioned my sanity). At this point we need to hit the rewind button a bit.
June 2009 I had scheduled 6 weeks of Long Service Leave to relax and go on a holiday. As luck would have it, rather than holidaying, I was sulking at home after separating from my wife a month earlier. Rather than cancel my leave, I decided I would take the 6 weeks for myself to be miserable and stay home and paint the house.

The time off provided me with something I had not had in any great quantities in 12 years. It provided me with an opportunity to unwind, and to do some thinking. Things in my life had been pretty ordinary for a while, and I needed to turn things around, but these things are easier said than done.

Hours spent painting my living room gave me the opportunity to calm my mind, and silence the voices of doubt and negativity that had been plaguing me for some time. In this silence, I was able to re- evaluate what was going on in my life. It’s hard to quantify this in words, but it’s akin to being in a place of great peace and tranquillity, and hearing the wind call your name.
For me, it was like holding a mirror to my soul, an epiphany if you will, and enabled me to see things as they truly were for the first time in a long time. I adopted a mantra “Bite off more than you can chew, and then chew like hell!” Later, a variation of this (H.T.F.U.) became the catchcry of my time in South Africa (if you don’t know what H.T.F.U is ask Kerren, she used it enough lol).

Some travelling around Australia and some serious partying was the order of the day. I set out to build the life that I wanted. It was then I decided to buy a new Laptop Computer, and that was when the fun really started. I started to chat to people from all over the world on the net, an experience I had not had before. It was on one of these sojourns into cyberspace I happened to meet a young lady by the name of Mrs Kerren R.

We chatted regularly online, and struck up the kind of friendship which is rare even at the best of times, let alone with someone you haven’t physically met. But then one day the invitation, issued in the form of a challenge was uttered, “Come to Africa Jase”. Well the old me would have started compiling a list of reasons not to do it, the new Jason (after a short period of deliberation) decided to accept the challenge.

So with the kind donation of some Qantas Frequent Flyer points from my parents, I was off to South Africa (which formed the first leg of my World Tour). Then, on January 23rd, at about 4-30pm, I lobbed at Johannesburg International Airport, my first time on foreign soil. Kerren greeted me at the airport, hobbling on what was a pretty seriously sprained ankle (not from an alcohol related issue I am told).
I was whisked off to the R Residence, where Kerren’s husband Adam had a drink in my hand before my bum touched the ground. Then another drink.....and another.....and apparently a few more and a meal perhaps....my memory gets rather hazy at this point. The next morning I had the rather surreal experience of sitting next to Kerren on her couch, stirring up another online friend of ours back in Oz. It was hard to believe I was actually there.
My time in South Africa was without exception (well except for the odd hangover) amazing. At this point, I would like to thank Kerren and Adam from the bottom of my heart for looking after me during my stay. Thank you for giving me a place to stay, which was more like a home than I had experienced in quite some time. For a local, Kerren knew all the good tourist places (Lion Park, Elephant Park and Cape Town among a few). A trip to The Dam with the Rennies along with Sammy and Steve was a real eye opener, but as everybody knows, what happens at The Dam stays at The Dam.
One thing I am still trying to get my head around is how the hell did I end up going out with Kerren and Sammy for ladies night to Kampanas, which interestingly enough was on Karaoke night? Bad singing aside (my rendition of American Idiot was not for the faint hearted) the night was an absolute scream and close to the highlight of my time in South Africa.
I rounded out my time in South Africa with a few days cruising around the Kruger National Park and its surrounds (including getting bailed up by an enormous Rhino) and finally a night out on the town with The Awesome Foursome to thank them for their hospitality. On a happy note, Kerren got her wish of putting me on the plane to London hung-over, as she struggled to move off the couch all day while I was kicking on strong (not quite what she was hoping for methinks lol).
Upon reflection, it’s hard to believe that 12 months ago I had never even seriously considered travelling overseas and now I have done something most people only ever dream of. And I owe it all to one lady, thank you Kerren for giving me the inspiration I needed to get my life in order and the opportunity to see your beautiful country.
And if you think that you can’t do it, or its too expensive, or it is too hard, remember my catch cry.........”H.T.F.U. – Harden the F*^% Up!”
P.S. Please tell Caleb and Daniel Duck says G’day!

Without friends where would we be?

This is Jason. Jason is an Aussie (but we try not to hold that against him). I have known Jason for around 7-months - and in that time he has become one of my closest friends. Jason is the kind of person we should all aspire to be; he is not perfect (see Aussie comment lol), but he is a good person. He has a heart of gold and a sense of humour that is guarenteed to make you laugh even on your worst day.

Jason recently came to South Africa to visit us. He spent two weeks living with us and in those two weeks I learnt more about Australians than any human should have to... :)

On a serious note, Jason is a truly special individual. He gives me one of those friendships which should neve be taken for granted. Doesn't matter the time of day or what he is doing, I can pick up the phone at any time and he will be there for me.

Thank you Jase... for all the times you have just listened when I need to rant.. and for the times you still will.. you are a rare type of soul..

Heather Rachel Lang

It is my extreme pleasure to introduce you to Heather Rachel Lang - Born 05 March 2010 @ 14:15, weighing in at 3.03kgs.

Welcome to the world little one. Your Mom and I have been longong for your arrival for as long as we have been friends. You are so loved and so adored...

Rest in Peace Chris

A friend of mine died yesterday due to complications surrounding swine flu.

I am extremely saddened by his tragic and sudden death. I do not feel particularly creative at the moment so I am sure you will forgive me for a few days slience. I am sure I will be back on form soon.

Rest in peace Chris - You will be sorely missed by all who knew you

How to win friends..

So.. the big question on my mind today, is what makes a friend a friend?


When is someone a friend and when are they just an acquaintance? And on the other side, what makes someone an enemy? When do you get to the point that forces you into enemy status?

There are people in my world whom I have never met - and yet I count them as friends. There is one in particular whom I trust..in a way that I cannot accurately articulate here. It is a sense of someone, without having to meet them - sixth sense.. women's intuition.. call it what you will..


There are people in my world who call themselves friends.. and yet, I do not regard them as confidants - when I am in trouble I do not turn to them. If I do not turn to them in my time of need, then why do I keep them in my circle of friends? Should I not rather remove them from my life and have fewer friends who I trust as apposed to many who mean nothing? Which brings me to the question of trust.. How do you decide when someone is trustworthy? When do they make it into your circle of trust? I have people in my social circle whom I have known for years - we hang out together and have a great time together, but there are things about me that I would never share with them. In fact, I would go so far as to say that some of them do not have a clue who the real me is.. I shape-shift myself to conform to what I assume is their expectation of me.


Some of them may even be reading this blog.. ...and then there is Sam...

Sam and I click.. like I have clicked with very few people in this world - I can tell Sam anything..and I mean ANYTHING.. and she never judges me. She never reprimands or uses that condescending tone people take on when they do not approve. Sam listens.. evaluates and responds in an open and honest way. She is not guarded with me. There are no pretences.. no walls... no expectations.

I think that is the core reason why our friendship is so solid - we have no expectations of the other.. we just are..

So thank you my friend.. for being my friend..I know I am not always easy to get along with.. sometimes I am downright impossible, but you take it all in your stride. You accept me for who I am, the good, the bad, and the ugly.

I pray we grow old together and one day.. when we both have our purple rinses and ugly little poodles (kinda like Frankenbutt you have now), I hope we can still go out and rock the place!!!

Benoni Gathering of the Clans

These videos were taken at the Gathering at Benoni High last weekend - It was also the SA Champs - well done to the Jocks.. you deserved to win, you were, without doubt, the best on the day!

The first video is of BMT - we have been rooting for them for years (Go Gareth & Bruce) which is why I took a video of them, but I have to say that this year they were really not up to scratch as you will see when you watch it. Had I known how absolutely awesome the Jocks would be, I would have taken a vid of them instead.

BTW.. in case you are wondering.. yes I love the pipes! The third video is my favourite - I missed the beginning because some silly man was chatting to me..

Enjoy!

Darryl - The Cousin!

This is my cousin Darryl and my sister's best friend Sarah!

Darryl lives about an hour's drive from me and Sarah lives about 4 hours drive from me. Yesterday we met up for a drink or two and it got a little out of hand... just a little!

It was awesome to see Darryl again - we get together far too seldom (Darryl you know why..lol) but now that the situation has changed, I hope to see more of you... We have so little family this far inland that I think we should take care of the ones we have!

Sarah is my sister Angie's best buddy... and last night was the second time that I have met her. The first time was at a very stressful and tense family reunion, so we never really got to chat, but last night I spent quit a bit of time with her and she is fabulous!!! Hope to see you again soon too...

I apologise for the quality of the picture...:)

Dinner with the crazies!

These two are really insane - we love going out with them! Thanks Mr & Mrs Jacobs!

Loving on Kelly!

Meet Sophia -isn't she gorgeous? Sophia is 3 weeks older than Daniel and she is my future Daughter-in-Law - what a lovely looking couple they will make!


Sophia is the youngest daughter of my friend Kelly . Kelly lives in America - about an hour from Detroit (I think). I am not very good when it comes to the geographical layout of the USA - but I am sure my international readers will forgive me - if I told you that I live about an hour from Rustenburg, would that mean anything to you?

Anyway...

Kelly is one of the hardest working Mums I have ever known. Kelly has 5 daughters - yup.. you read that correctly 5 beautiful girls who keep her on her toes. Add to that the fact that Kelly's husband is often away on business for weeks at time, plus they have just bought a new puppy - and the fact that Kelly does everything herself for her family and you get some idea of how hard this mum works to keep everybody happy.

Let me put things into perspective, most households in South Africa have domestic help. On top of that I have a garden service to take care of the yard. Plus I have a Mother-in-Law who never says no when I need help (thanks Mel) - and I am still exhausted most of the time. Kelly has no domestic help in the house or in the yard. Kelly washes, cleans, irons, cooks, does homework, shops, works in the yard, fixes the odd maintenance issue around the house, kisses all the boo-boos better, packs school lunches, keeps two youngsters at home all day, buys enough food every week to feed a small army, picks up after 7 people and still has enough energy to love on her girls.. and on top of that she is an amazing friend -

Thanks Kelly ... you are a selfless, giving and loving individual and I am honoured to call you my friend!

Nou Die Blou!

It has been exactly one week since my last post - which, as you know, is absolutely unheard of for me - in my defence, it has been a really bad week. I worked last Tuesday and Wednesday, Thursday and Friday Daniel was struggling with an ear infection. Then over the weekend Adam and I were both quite ill - in fact, I have been down with two illnesses in the past week, which were completely unrelated, but quite knocked the life out of me.

On Saturday, my favourite team, The Blue Bulls were playing in the final of the Super 14. The Super 14 is an international rugby tournament between South Africa, New Zealand and Australia - and of course... once again... The Bulls won! Saying that I am a Bulls supporter is kind of an understatement - The are the greatest team on earth and watching them win is the greatest feeling on earth!!!

After the game we went out to celebrate Matt's birthday - Notice how I only took pictures of people wearing their Bulls shirt...lol.. As you can see, the party got a little out of hand and I blame this on Jenny (who you will meet in one of the pictures) who kept ordering Tequilas.. bad bad girl... but fun was had by all.. especially since the Bulls won - Ons Bloed is Blou - which means - Our blood is blue!

This is Matt and Ruth - Happy Birthday friend!

Okay Okay.. so the boys were a little ..ummm.... intoxicated...lol

This photo is of Jenny and Gareth... Gareth is a regular reader of my blog - thanks for the support bud!

Anybody who really knows me will tell you that I am not a big meat eater - in fact, during my pregnancies I went off meat completely - could not stand the sight or the smell of it - so to see me in this kind of picture you must know that I had consumed a tequila or two to even pretend to eat such a huge piece of meat!

We had such a good time at Matts party... and I am so chuffed that my team won.. AGAIN!

A balloon for Kayleigh

Yesterday at 16h00 people all over the world released balloons in honour of Kayleigh.. we were part of it.. I feel so blessed to have been able to contribute to her memory in some way.

As I watched this balloon fly away, was the first time since her death last week that I was able to think of her and smile a little...Does it seem crazy that I miss someone I never met? Possibly. Do I feel a little out of whack with reality because I am in mourning for a little girl who I have only read about? Probably. Do I think I am alone in this? Definitely not. I know that there are literally thousands of people all over the world who are mourning this sweet baby girls death.

Alecia's last supper (with us)

Sandra and Alecia are emigrating to the United Kingdom on Saturday and they came round for one more playdate with Caleb. Sandra was Caleb's teacher when he first started pre-school and we have become friends over the past few years...

We will miss you very much - I will miss having your support at the school as well as having your sense of humour to cheer me up after a long day. School events just won't be the same without you! And I know Caleb will miss Alecia - she was the first friend we ever had over for a playdate.

We wish you all the best with your new life, but please come and visit us from time to time!