Ebb and Flow

Again it has been months since my thoughts have wanted out... but here I am.. the need to write over-powering.

Where to from here is anyone's guess...

The stalker saga really frightened the life out of me... scared me away from my blog... It has been a long hard journey standing in my truth.. I have stumbled, fallen and scraped my hands and knees more often than I like to admit.. but I am still here...

I began a different path after Gen's passing.  I have tried to look more objectively within myself, to find not only truth, but motive..  I have written about this before.. For most of my life I have been plagued by the question "Does that make me a good person?".  People say I am a good person because I try to do the right things... but if my motives are not pure of any manipulation, then surely I am not a good person, but merely playing a role?

Anyway... back to motives...

Since Gen's death, I have searched many avenues to find a mantra or "life message" that I can believe in... Recently I found one.. And I think it has been a true and solid path.. It is sometimes incredibly difficult to follow, but is proving worth it at the end of each "obstacle".

Tonight I am struggling with my most difficult challenge to date since adopting this code...  Tonight I struggle to act without ego... My ego is proving stronger than my emotional intelligence..

To act without ego is the goal... and tonight I am a blind striker.. and missing by miles..

Tomorrow is a new day...

Tomorrow I will try again..

Tomorrow I begin with a fresh and full portion of faith in humanity...

Tomorrow...

4 Days, 8 Hours, 42 Minutes and 12 Seconds

On Sunday morning, Justice (our ever-entertaining gardener) hit a water pipe outside our house - I would like it noted for the record please that this is not the first time he has hit this pipe!

I immediately got on the phone and called our local municipality.. well.. I say immediately, but it took me about 30 minutes to get them to answer.. When they finally answered, the lady on the other end was very helpful.. she gave me a reference number and promised me that someone would come round to fix it asap..  I felt very hopeful .. and optimistic that it would be fixed within a few hours..

1 hour
2 hours
3 hours..

grrrr

On Monday morning I called again.. and gave them (in my most professional voice) my reference number and asked for an update..  I was told that we were in the queue and they would get to it before the end of the day.

On Monday evening I was told the same thing..

What you need to understand is that we had to switch the water off to our property...So.. two small boys, on big boy, 3 dogs, a cat and little old me.. with no water for days... grrr

On Tuesday morning I called and by now I am a little agitated... and I am told in a less than friendly voice that we are at a priority 3 level and it will probably only be fixed when we reach priority 1.

On Tuesday evening I call again and get the same response..

On Wednesday morning I call and throw my toys out of the cot.. huffing.. puffing.. and generally threatening them with all kinds of media coverage and exposure..

By Wednesday evening I am positively spitting mad.. Then I get a call from Linda (my mother-in-law's sister) and she very kindly gives me the mobile number and name of our local councillor.

I called him at 17:30 - and let him have it!  At 17:40 he calls me back to say that if it has not been fixed by 19:00 I should call him back.  At 18:15 he arrives at my house and 5 minutes later the repair team arrive..

Our water is now sorted and working perfectly again..

Just goes to show.. that old saying, "its not what you know, but who you know" really is true..



The words wont come...

I have writer's block... grrr.. I hate it... I have absolutely nothing to write about...

Any ideas?  Anything you would like to see me write about?

Come on.. let me have it.. anything you like...

Round and round I go...

It is 03:40am and I cannot sleep.. Normally I would blog now..  The house is quiet.. everyone (in their right minds) is asleep.. and it is easy to type..

However, I am still struggling with the effects of the concussion.. and sitting at the pc typing makes me feel sea-sick..

So I apologise for my silence.. but I am sure I will be typing up a storm come next week..

Shake, Rattle and Roll!

On Saturday evening Adam and I were in my car, we had gone out for dinner.  We were out in the country, on a very dark road..  As you guessed by now, we had an accident.. One minute I was doing something with my phone and the next I heard Adam swear loudly.. then we were flying.. then the world was upside down.. I remember thinking abut the noise in my ears..and then it occurred to me that it was a combination of breaking glass and me screaming.. It happened so quickly.. and so slowly.

We are both ok.. We walked away from it, which I think is a great testament to my car - I have always loved my car, but I now have a new level of respect for the Honda Jazz.  She was put under extreme stress and she held together like a champ.  Neither one of us was seriously injured and the car could look a whole lot worse...She has my undying devotion for protecting us...

 We are both astounded that this was the only damage to the rim.. it hit the pavement pretty hard.

 Yes.. my front tyres are no longer where they should be...

 From this angle you can see how skew the car is.. you can see that the passenger side roof is dented in and the drivers side is popped out..

 Poor baby.. so broken...

 This is the photo that really gets me.. you can see how hard we hit on the roof just above the window..

So I have concussion.. and it will take a few days to pass.. and sitting at the pc makes me feel nauseous.. so I am going to stop now.. will be back in a bit...

You think the other one was bad?



So.. if you think some of my posts in the recent past have been very personal and hectic, then you aint seen nothing yet!

Last week I participated in a Guest Blog.  It is run every week for women by a woman, and it concerns their self esteem.  It was very difficult for me to write - it was very honest, way more honest and in detail than anything I have posted on my blog to do with my insanity.  And I have spent the past 4 days trying to decide whether to post it on my blog or not.

You see, most of the feedback I have received lately about my very personal and painful posts has been very positive, but one or two people have hinted that perhaps it is TMI for my blog..  While I respect their opinions, I do not agree with them.  Part of what my blog is about is a place for me to be able to express without consequence.. It is my contribution to healing myself.. I love to write.. and I find it liberating to be able to send it out to the big wide world and let it go.  I think it helps me let it go if I give it to the world..

Anyway...

This guest post that I did for another blog sheds some light on the demons I am currently dealing with - On my blog I never give specifics, but on that blog I did... so.. I have decided to not post it here (for fear of shocking some of the old folk out of their socks), but it was a very healing post for me and one I am very proud of myself for having the courage to write...

Long story short.. If you would like to read it, please either mail me (kerrenr@gmail.com) or leave a comment here with your contact details and I will forward the link to you!

Happy Blogging!

You would think I would know better...

In January of this year I destroyed my left ankle - it was one of the most painful, not to mention embarrassing experiences of my entire life!  Ten months later, I still have marks on my ankle, and it is still not back to its original shape, but with a great many hours of cycling and taking it slowly, I am happy to report that the ankle is strong and healthy!  However, that is not the point of this post...

On that fateful day in January, as I was being wheeled into another exam room in the hospital, I vowed that I would never walk Caleb to school again.  I was convinced that "The Powers That Be" were giving me a clear warning that it was not meant to be...  Every time since then that Caleb has asked if we can walk to school I have made some silly excuse and avoided it like the plague..

Today I clearly left my brain asleep when I woke up... I agreed that we could walk to school.. dumb and dumber here we come...

It was a disaster from the moment the words came out of my mouth.. Firstly, it is meant to be summer here in southern Africa - today is anything but summery... There is a chill in the air and a fine mist falling constantly.. Oi.. what a day for a a walk!

Daniel was not cooperating at all - We are in the process of potty-training with him, and he is doing exceptionally well, however, I was a little hesitant to walk all the way to the school without him wearing a diaper - it was at this point that the entire expedition was doomed to failure!  After many attempts to dress Daniel failed dismally, I eventually managed to bribe him by allowing him to wear his Lightning McQueen T-Shirt (this boy is McQueen crazy!).  Due to the rain and chill in the air, I insisted that he wear a light-weight sweater over the shirt..  Naturally this was a stupid move on my part, as what is the point of wearing Lightning McQueen T-Shirt if your idiotic mother is going to cover it with a sweater???  I mean really, what was I thinking???

This then erupted in a tantrum to end all tantrums!  It goes without saying that I am a seasoned tantrum-ignoring-mom... Caleb was very skilled in this art; Daniel takes it to a whole new level though, and by the time I was ready to curl up in the foetal position and whimper while repeatedly smacking my head against the floor, Daniel was in full swing!

The problem, was that normally I would just completely ignore him until he calmed down and stopped screaming at me, however, Caleb needed to get to school and the clock was ticking...   We walked out the gate with Daniel in full scream...

He performed and yelled all the way to the school and back... people driving along were staring at me... Mothers were giggling at my distress... and it was the final nail in the coffin for walking to school..

Never again I say.. never again!

Is there life after Blackberry?

I keep looking for you

searching

feeling lost

alone

and so cut off from the world..

Sigh..

Of whom do I speak?  The answer may shock you...

I am writing tonight about the devastating loss of my Blackberry.  Although, it has to be said that loss is not the correct word.  My Blackberry was stolen.. that's right.. stolen... And it is not like I left it out in the open, or forgot it at the ATM (which I have done before btw - but returned in time to find it still there).  It was in the pocket of my jacket, which was on the back of my chair at dinner. 

I am truly in mourning.. I love that phone with a passion bordering on OCD.  My Blackberry and I are always together.. and I mean ALWAYS!  When I brush my teeth she is there next to the basin waiting patiently for me to finish my ablutions.  When I walk from the bathroom across our bedroom to my closest, she is there waiting on the shelf with my T-shirts for me to finally make up my mind as to which outfit will best suit OUR mood that day.  If I am making coffee, cooking dinner, watching TV or taking out the rubbish my BB is there..

And now she is gone.. stolen away by some spawn of Satan into the night.. never to be seen again.. Oh woe is me.. How will I cope... where do I turn?  I feel like I have lost a close friend.. a sister.. a confidant..

The only upside to this "death in the family" is that Adam insisted we insure our phones a month or two ago... Plus I did a back-up from my phone last Tuesday - which I have not done in months..

So there is light at the end of the tunnel.. it is very faint... and very far away (it will be at least 2 days until I finalise all the paperwork to replace her), but at least there is a light..

Will it ever be the same?  Can a new sister truly ever replace the one that is lost?

Woe.. woe.. oh woe is me!

Top Secret

I can't tell you yet...

But...

Its almost time to reveal THE SECRET!

Shhhhh... don't say a word...

But...

It is almost time..

Soon all will be revealed...

Daughtry Concert...

Ok.. so it seems that no matter where I go, I am always causing trouble..

On Friday night Lizelle and I went to see Daughtry at The Dome - Anyone who knows me knows I love Daughtry.. In fact, love is probably a mild word... I adore him... I know the words to all his songs.. There is a good chance that I have stalker qualities when it comes to Daughtry.. and George of course..

So on our way in, at the gate, they are searching people, as they do - and when we get to the front the "security" lady insists that the camera I am carrying is too big to take into the venue.  At this point I am feeling a wee bit frustrated - the car is miles away and to take the camera back would just be insanity...

While I am contemplating this, the "security" in the row next to us tells me that for "a little something", she will let me in with my camera!  Ahhh.. welcome to Africa.. everything is possible for a price!  We only have R100 notes on us.. so I stick R100 underneath my ticket and hand it to her - she takes it all smiles and duly lets us in with the camera.

The whole two hours Lizelle and I are snapping away with the camera - no problem!  During the second last song I go to take pictures of Daughtry.  While I am standing there with this camera stuck to my face trying to get a good view of him, suddenly my view becomes all blurry and I hear this really big voice (coming from somewhere above me) "Where is your media bracelet?" 

Hello God, is that you?

I take the camera away from my face just as I feel someone grabbing my wrist.  In front of me is this huge "rent a cop" who is behaving in a very aggressive manner.  It went like this..

Rent a cop - Lady I asked you where your media bracelet is
Me - I am not from the media
Rent a cop - then you are not allowed to take pictures with that camera.  How did you get through the door with that camera?
Me - I walked
Rent a cop - Dont get %&*&%  cheeky with me.  How did you get through the door with that camera?
Me - Dude, I am not being cheeky, I really did walk through the door.
Rent a cop - If you take one more %%^&*(* picture I will slap you with a R50 000 fine
Me - Listen, there is no need to flex your muscles with me!  I am not drunk and disorderly, I am not causing any trouble, all you had to do was ask me nicely and politely to put the camera away and I would have.  It is not necessary to speak to me in that tone.

With that, the Rent a cop walked away...

Eish..

The concertt was awesome though.. had a fabulous time!  He is so worth seeing live!

A little bit of what you like...

Firstly... I know I have linked this blog before, but I love her.. she is one of my favourite bloggers to read simply because she always causes a reaction of some sort in me, be it to make me think or to make my morning coffee come out my nose with the first true laughter of the day..so please check out her blog!

What else... umm... well I thought I would give you an update on family matters.. seeing as I have not done that in a while..

Daniel - Sweet little baby-bear..  This child amazes me everyday, as I have mentioned before, Daniel's command of the English language is incredible!  At 23 months he uses words like delicious and exhausted - not only does he use these words, but his enunciation and inflection are darn near perfect.  Daniel is still eating like a horse, and growing at about the same rate too - one thing I never have to worry about with him is his nutrition.  When Caleb was younger, his nutrition was a constant battle as he was not keen on eating.. Daniel is more like a hoover...and I love it!  We are also in the early stages of potty-training with him - this is not our doing, but rather his.  I know that he is slightly young for it, but he is showing us all the signs of being ready.  He is very interested in the toilet, and will frequently ask me to take his diaper off so that he can go potty on his own.  I am in no rush however, and am just letting him do it at his own pace.  We are struggling to get Daniel off the bottles, and I know that this is almost a pre-requisite for successful potty training.. he is rather hooked on his - he uses it as a "blankie" more than anything else.  I am rather calm this time round though, and am not forcing the issue.. I am just slowly and gently limiting his use of the bottle if and where I can.. I know that he will let it go with a mixture of help from me and maturity from him.. all in good time..

Caleb... brave.. strong... turmoiled Caleb!  I sometimes believe that Caleb is just too far ahead of himself.  He has been identified many times, and by many different people as an Indigo child.  Now, while I recognise that this term is highly controversial, let me just say that Adam and I are both staunch advocates that too many children are labelled with ADHD or ADD these days.  We both feel that parents and doctors are far too eager to label children with this illness and then administer drugs, rather than to find a way to help the child without turning them into zombies.  Having said that, let me just make it perfectly clear that we know that there are very real instances where a child genuinely has ADHD and requires medication, we just believe that it is used too easily these days as a means to control and subdue wilful children.  Right, now that we have cleared that up, lets get back to Caleb..  As I mentioned in this post, Caleb has been having some difficulty at school - this is also now spilling over into home life.  Without going into too much detail, we have just felt that Caleb is struggling a bit, and we do not seem to have the right tools, or the right "map" on how to help him.  So, after much deliberation, as well as consultation with trusted friends, family members and Caleb's teacher, we decided to send Caleb to a Play Therapist.  This is someone who is a clinical psychologist, but who specialises in children.  The therapist we chose is a lovely lady who I was actually in school with, but we did not realise this until we met her.  We were referred to her by another parent (who we trust implicitly) and who is sending her daughter to see this therapist.  Adam and I want to try and help Caleb before he gets older and it becomes a real problem.  If we can find a way to reach him now, and in turn allow him to reach us, then we can build trust rather than resentment - we believe that this is critical in his early development so as to avoid larger problems in the future.  Anyway, Jo (the therapist) is one of the people who has told us that Caleb is an Indigo child - and this is one of the reasons we like her so much!  She is trained in the science of psychology, but she is also a believer and follower of alternative and holistic healing - which means that she is open to whatever avenues the child may need, rather than just medication!  Caleb has been for 3 "play dates" with her so far, and he loves it.. and she has picked up in 3 sessions things that we have not told her.  I am very hopeful that she will help us find a way of making it easier for Caleb to be understood, and therefore less frustrated all the time.

Adam - Ahhh.. what can I say about this man... (that won't get me into trouble tee hee hee)!  Work is really heating up for him at the moment and my usually laid-back husband is taking some strain - add to that the fact that his wife has been causing him all kinds of headaches lately, it is a wonder the poor man has not been carried off to the funny-farm - although the jury is still out on that one, because anyone who has been in my house at suicide-hour will know that our house is very much like a funny-farm.  I am still in the process of trying to persuade my husband to take up cycling with me, but I don't think this is going to happen... For starters, the other day as I walked through the house, I caught Adam looking at the bike as if it had been spawned by Satan himself.. so I am getting the idea that I will be cycling alone.. or at least not with Adam lol!

Me... ah well, the family grapevine has been doing a good enough job of telling everyone what is going on with me, but for those not in the know, I will elaborate.  Almost three weeks ago now I was arrested for a DUI.  It was past midnight and I was driving home with a friend.  The legal limit in South Africa is .28, I was at .45.  I had had two drinks - I thought you were allowed two?  Turns out you are only allowed one..  Anyway, I was pulled over in a regular road-block - it is not like I was all over the road, or caused an accident...  So they pull me over, and because I was driving someone else's car, and my licence was in my car, I red-flagged myself... So they take me over to the van to check my ID number and breathalyze me.  Needless to say I failed and was subsequently arrested.  I was arrested with tons of other people that night and we were all thrown in prison.  Due to there not being a detective on duty when we were brought in, we were forced to spend the night.  It was a very traumatic event, the details of which I am unwilling (for a number of reasons) to share here.  I was released on the Saturday morning and appeared in court on the Monday.  All the charges against me were dropped and life goes on.. enough said..

Even just recalling the event in such minor detail here for you is enough to make me feel agitated and snappish.. so based on that, I will end this post now and go and hop on the bike... A brisk 20 - 30km cycle should clear out some of the agitation!

hi ho hi ho, its off to cycle I go..

It's the weekend Baby...

It is a long weekend here in South Africa.

We have decided to go away for the weekend!  So as I sit here and drink my morning coffee, I am planning all the things I have to do before we can leave... Life is not as simple as it used to be.. I remember the days when all I had to do was pack a bag before I could hop in the car and leave for a weekend away. 

Things are different now..to say the least..lol  It always takes me a good few hours to get the four of us ready to leave.. I have to remember all sorts of things, from pain and fever medicine, to the correct book on dinosaurs... because if I pack the wrong book, bedtime will be a nightmare (for everyone). And I have to fit a ridiculous amount of gear into a car that seems to shrink in size by the second...

So basically what I am saying, is that I am sitting here avoiding the inevitable... I hate the packing.. hate it with a passion... grrrrr... but if I don't do it I cannot be sure that we will have everything that we need... which makes me a psychotic control freak I know

And now that I have run out of arbitrary things to say, the time has come and I can avoid it no longer...

hi ho hi ho its off to pack I go!

Guest Blogging...

Okay.. so I know I have to write a blog about what happened last weekend... I know I need to.. both for my sanity and yours, but I am just not ready to do it yet...   I need to put some space and time between the event and my head.  I want to be able to write it from an objective point of view and not from an emotional one.  You all saw the emotional posts from the weekend.. and I don't want to go there again.. so I am going to give it some time.. The writer inside me will know when it is time to get it out...

So.... moving on from that...

I would like to do some guest blogging.. We could swap blogs for one post.. Or, if you do not have a blog, you could just guest blog on mine.. I figure this would give us exposure to new audiences as well as fresh ideas..  Obviously the owner of the blog will have final say on what is posted on their blog.

If any of you would like to participate in this, please drop me a mail, or comment on this post and lets get the creativity flowing and sharing...:)

Continued...

Such a bad space.. I am in such a bad space.. and usually writing (or typing) about what is going on in my head helps me to clear it... but not today... I am in a fog.. a mist.. it is suffocating.. I cannot see more than a step or two ahead of me.. I am literally taking it moment by moment.. I am struggling to breathe..

I am trying to hear the advice that I would give a friend in this position... but that is not helping either... I have always been the kind of person who withdraws from everyone when I am dealing with something.. I go into myself until I am able to figure out how I feel about something... and if I close my eyes now and picture myself, I see another version of me slowly building the walls.. one brick at a time... one layer at a time... the wall is going up, but it is taking too long.. I need the protection now..

The wall will function as a cocoon... I need it desperately to not only keep others out, but also to keep me in.. to hold the pieces together.. I feel like parts of me are escaping through the cracks... running out of the holes in my defence.. I feel like I am numb and in pain all at the same time..

I am in shock... I know I am in shock... the logical side of my brain recognises the signs of shock.. and yet that doesn't make it easier.. I can't seem to stop crying... but its not really crying... I can only accurately describe it as weeping.. I have been weeping non-stop for 16 hours.. How long does shock last? I have no idea.. what comes after the shock? I have no idea about that either... and on top of dealing with this suffocating fog inside of me, I also have to deal with all the thoughts and well-meaning advice that others will undoubtedly pile onto me in the coming days and weeks..

I feel dizzy... faint... heavy... I am not sure what the result of this will be.. I cannot even begin to see that far ahead.. but for now I feel physically ill... the last time I remember feeling this fog in my head was when we lost Jorga.. I have the same need to protect myself from the world.. to crawl into a little hole and turn my back on the world until the shock passes...

I have to stop typing again now... exhausted again.. and my face and eye are throbbing.. I need to go and lie down for a bit.. but I will type again... this will probably come out in a few posts rather than one coherent one...

One minute life is calm.. the next all hell breaks loose...

OMG... This can't be happening...
How did I get here..
It was the darkest of nights..
The longest of nights..
The most frightening of nights..

Frightening is not really the word..
Terror... pure, blinding .. terror
I am frozen..
but I feel the sweat running down my spine..
I don't understand how I got here...

I am literally freezing..
I know I have toes.. but I can't feel them
They are numb... and the numbness is spreading..
but that is nothing compared with the constant fear
fear is the only constant..

I sit with my back in a corner
Legs pulled up tight
Watching
Waiting
Praying
Begging

The stench is over-powering
It seeps into every corner of the room...
and every ounce of me
I try to not gag
but it is rising

I hear the sounds of normal life outside
How long until life feels normal again
Will it ever feel normal again
Perhaps this is the new normal
Perhaps this is my future

OMG that thought is more terrifying than anything that has gone before..

My eye has started to swell
I keep touching it.. which is making it worse..
Dirty hands on a cut can only lead to trouble
After a couple of hours I know my eye is infected
Not only that, my face hurts where it hit the gate

I just want to go home...
I read the writings that women before me left on the walls..
Hour after hour I come back to the same one:
"Oh God please help me,
Why have you left me here?"

But it is not God who has put me here
It is my own stupidity
I thought I was bullet-proof
It was a surprise to learn I am not..
Was there not a gentler way to teach this lesson?

and again the fear

I know someone is watching me
A trickle of sweat down my spine again
Should I make eye-contact
Should I pretend I see nothing
And then it occurs to me that she is staring at my boots

And for the second time in as many hours
The thought crosses my mind that if anyone threatens me
I will stick the heel of the boot in their eye
I know.. shocking right?
But you cannot possibly judge unless you have spent hours trapped in my hell

I hold on to the light at the end of the tunnel..
It is faint.. and so very far away
And perhaps it is all in my mind..
But I hold on to that safety

I have to stop writing.. it is exhausting...

Silence...

The words won't come
Fingers on the keys
Waiting
Ready
Desperate to write
To express
To give voice to thought
To utter that which we know to be true

But the words won't come

The frustration takes hold
Agitation
Fingers on the keys
Eyes staring out the door
With every keystroke greater the distance
Further away
I bring this forth with sheer strength of will
Remember to breathe

Silence

If I had to choose one that speaks to me...

Dixie Chicks - Not Ready To Make Nice (Official Music Video). Watch more top selected videos about: Dixie Chicks

This song means so much to me... it always has... the message just speaks to my soul.. It is a very "chick" song, but I love it nevertheless...

1...2...3... Breathe..

So... it has been one of those weeks where I am not sure if I am coming or going...


I have been really ill this week - my lungs have not been a happy place - and you know there is never time for Mom to rest when she is ill. It is not like I can just crawl into bed and take a nap, any mom will tell you it just doesn't happen that way, there is always something I should be doing, something that needs completing.. cleaning... disinfecting... scrubbing... fixing.. pasting.. etc.. etc.. However, I am very pleased to report that I am finally on the mend. I am still barking like a German Shepard, but at least I can breathe again without feeling I should be dragging around one of those oxygen bottles.


Adam is doing well - the insane people he works with have decided that March is the month for not shaving your beard - add to that the fact that this weekend is the Cancer Shave-a-thon in South Africa leads to a very interesting looking husband. Every year in South Africa we all go out and get our heads shaved or our hair painted weird colours in support of Cancer research. It is a really big deal and it lasts the whole weekend at most of our malls and shopping centres. Adam had his head shaved this morning and we will probably have Caleb's done tomorrow - and in case you are wondering, I will not be shaving my head, but will probably get my hair painted in support. So.. Adam is going to have a messy beard all over his face and a bald head - I promise to post a picture as soon as he looks suitably crazy (or more so than normal).


Caleb is doing so well - we are so proud of him! He is loving his new school and is coming on in leaps and bounds. He recently competed in his first Sports Day at school and he placed in the top three in all his races - I am not sure if I have posted pictures of this yet or not; if I have not, I promise to do so in the next few days.


Caleb is also becoming increasingly excited about going to visit family in Dubai. We have been hounded for the past two years to let him go and visit them - I have always said that as soon as I felt he is old enough I would let him go. Well the time has come. He is flying to Dubai with his granny for a week long holiday with his Aunts, Uncles and cousins. Caleb is very close to Sean (Adam's eldest brother) and I know they are going to have a fabulous time, although I am going to miss him terribly.

Daniel... sweet.. perfect... sponge-like Daniel! He is such an amazing little boy. I know all parents brag about their children, so I do not feel bad putting you through it now. At 16-months Daniel has rather a large vocabulary. He learns new words daily - Last week he learnt Mammoth in the space of about 3 minutes. He is also learning to make short (2 or 3 word) sentences. He is such a delight to be around. He is a sweet, loving, happy bouncy little boy and when he says Mummy the sun literally breaks through the clouds for me!

Me... well.. I am ok.. finally recovering from being sick for the past week. I am struggling a bit with emotional stuff - as I do... I am just very tired... very tired...

Tired of worrying about usual wifely/motherly issues. Tired of thinking constantly about my weight.. worrying about my weight.. hating my weight.. and so very tired of well meaning people giving me advice on my weight... I know the answer is simple - eat less run more! Since injuring my ankle, I am not allowed to do any exercise except for swimming or cycling. We don't have a pool and I don't own a bike - so this is proving difficult. Add to that the fact that I have recently quit smoking, means that I am eating more than usual and exercising less than usual - all in all leaving me feeling rather fat.. round.. huge... miserable and sorry for myself.

But I have a plan!!!

My plan is to staple my mouth shut - what do you think? I like it.. although.. given my love for chocolate I will probably just liquidise slabs of the stuff and suck it through a straw...sigh..

Okay.. I am sure I have bored you enough with my ramblings for one day...

Over and out...

The Foot!!!

This picture was taken about 2 hours after I fell - you can't really see how swollen it is here, but if you think that I have thin ankles normally it gives you an idea.

The much hated moon boot!

This picture was taken 2 weeks after the fall - still very swollen - you can't see all the bruising as it is on the sides.

Before I tell you the story, let me just say that yes, you are allowed to laugh...

5 Weeks ago I decided it would be a good idea to start walking Caleb to school - fresh air for Daniel, exercise for me and fun for Caleb.

On the very first morning we decided to walk - tragedy struck! After I dropped Caleb at his classroom, I was walking back to where I had left the stroller - Daniel was in my arms. As I turned the corner I came into full view of all the high school children. I started to walk down a cement hill, put one foot out of place, went down hard on my left ankle, rolled a few times and came to a halt at the bottom of the hill - yes, with all the teenagers looking at me..lol..

Daniel did not even have a scratch on him - as any mother would have done, I used my body to protect him as we fell and rolled. I on the other hand tore the ligament that runs along the outside of the ankle as well as stretched all the ligaments that run on the inside of the ankle. I also gave myself a nasty injury on my right elbow.

I have been having regular physiotherapy, and am already feeling much better.. although I know it will still be a few months until the ankle is healed.

Do you know how difficult it was trying to take care of two wee boys while on crutches? It was impossible to do anything for them as I couldn't carry anything.. both hands were occupied trying to manouver myself on crutches - very frustrating!

It has been so long...

I know I know, it has been so long since I have written... I have no excuse, except for the fact that the past six months have been challenging to say the least - on top of that I have had no inspiration... but the time has come for me to begin writing again.

For the past few weeks I have been hearing "The Writer" voices in my head again. There are topics I wish to discuss and stories that need to be told!

Watch this space!