Gossipers, Hypocrites and Backstabbers

The first time I met M she was a sweet as syrup.  She seemed so genuine and welcoming of me that I completely let down my guard - Zel and I both thought this was someone we could both have as a friend... little did I know...  You know that old saying about keep your friends close and your enemies closer?  Well it certainly applies to this one..

Towards the end of last year when things went sour between Zel and I, Zel spent a great deal of time with M - considering her a friend.  M and her "gang" spun a whole bunch of lies into Zel's ear - this in turn fuelled Zel's rage towards me.  They spent a great deal of energy telling Zel what a terrible person and pathological liar T was.

About a month into my relationship with T, M suddenly turned on Zel - and then started telling T what a terrible person Zel is and how I was better off with T than with Zel.

I know this is confusing, but stay with me...

When T and I broke up, M was suddenly best friends with T again and spinning all sorts of lies into T's ear .. which she is still doing..  About how Zel and I were actually still seeing each other behind T's back.  Say what???  This is completely ridiculous, as Zel and I were not on speaking terms for the entire duration of my relationship with T.

Now bring into the fold K..  K was supposedly Zel's best friend (who is now sleeping with Zel's ex girlfriend W).  K was also always so sweet to me.  I opened up to her about some very personal things to do with my childhood.  As far as I knew, K and I had built quite a friendship and she went to a great deal of trouble to tell me how she will always be there for me.. and how much she liked me... blah blah blah.. Only for me to find out very recently that K told Zel that she had never liked me... not even from Day 1.  I have been so hurt by this revelation as I opened up to K about some very personal issues, which I am sure are now being used as dinner conversations for all of them. 

A couple of weeks ago Zel and I went to a party, K was there, and she hugged and greeted me like a long lost friend.  What a two-faced bitch!

Now lets get to Zel's ex-girlfriend.  W has been against Zel and I being together from the start.  In the beginning I held my tongue, and gave W the respect I thought she deserved being Zel's ex.  Zel explained to me that W was just raising concerns for Zel's involvement with me out of love for Zel and wanting to protect her from getting hurt by a married woman with children - this respect has now gone out the window... why you may ask?  The answer is simple..

1.  W has always said that I am taking advantage of Zel and not looking out for Zel's best interest.  I find this incredibly difficult to believe when W is the one who has taken from Zel everything she can in order to further herself.  She has borrowed, begged and stolen from Zel and has now left Zel in a very tough corner that is difficult to get out of.  W came to Zel and begged for Zel to do something for her that would put serious strain on Zel's life.  Zel did it out of love for W... on the condition that certain things were completed by the end of last year... these things have still not been completed and when Zel asked W for help, W's response was, "sorry, not at this time"  Which has now left my long suffering girlfriend in some trouble.

2.  W always said it was me she didn't like, that I, with my complicated life, was bad for Zel... However, when Zel and I were out of contact, Zel dated someone else.  Someone who has no complications and truly is as sweet as syrup.  This girl too was met with the cold front and W and "the gang" were less than welcoming to this soul too.  Which leaves me to question whether W just wants Zel to be single and miserable so W can keep leeching off Zel for the rest of her life.

Now add to all of this that Zel was left to figure out for herself that K and W were seeing each other.  Neither of them gave Zel the respect she deserves by telling her face to face that her ex girlfriend (they dated for about 9 years) and her best friend were in fact sleeping together.

Now enter the fact that W, K and M are all close friends... and have completely cut Zel out of their lives because Zel and I are now dating. 

After our fallout last year, my friends too were sceptical about Zel and I getting serious, but my friends have accepted Zel with open arms, and are taking the stance that if I am happy, then they are happy.  Zel's friends however have completely cut her out and abandoned her - not only that, they all deserted her for the celebration of her 30th birthday - how cruel can people be???  The pain that this caused and is still causing Zel is something I will not soon forget.

So.. to the three of you:  My time of keeping my mouth shut to all of you is done.  Last year you thought me weak because I let you carry on and never stood up for myself.  That time is now over.  My strength, as well as my resolve to protect my girlfriend from your gossipping, lying and selfish ways is more formidable than you think...  So I say to you.. watch yourselves.. and if you see me walking towards you, run and hide.. I will no longer be quite to your sanctimonious, hypocritical ways.. and if you have something to say about me, then for the first time in your lives at least have enough of a spine to say it to my face.

To my friends, I wish to once again say a big thank you, from both Zel and myself, for showing us what true friendship is all about

Bunny Boilers, Stalkers and Psychos

There seem to be so many bunny boilers around at the moment...

In the past month I picked up a stalker.  I am not exaggerating...  The VERY short version went like this:

Met a chick... Made it very clear that I do not want to be exclusive with her.. Also made it very clear that I was not looking for a relationship of any sort, and that I was dating other people.  Fooled around with her for 5 days.  On day 6 I told her that we could not get together that night because I had other plans - enter the bunny boiler!

Starts accusing me of sleeping with people I have never even met - I am good, but getting laid by someone I have never met is beyond even my fabulosity.  The abusive and aggressive text messages start here.  She drives past my house on numerous occasions to see who is visiting me.  Sends me messages about hiding cars in my garage so as to pull the wool over her eyes - Say What??? 

Firstly, we never dated, we only fooled around for a few days.  Secondly I am a 36-year-old woman, I do not need to hide anything from anyone.  Thirdly, the person who was actually at my house visiting that evening is now my girlfriend - Thankfully, all the communication that went back and forth between the Bunny Boiler and myself from this point on was witnessed by Zel (the afore-mentioned girlfriend).

The Bunny Boiler then starts threatening people to stay away from me, that they are not allowed to be friends with me - and all the time she is doing this, she is lying through her teeth.  She tells me one thing, and tells the other party a completely different story.  However, she is so far gone, and so delusional that she actually believes her own lies... it is something to witness, I will tell you that much..

She continues to stalk me, bumping into me in shopping centres, driving up and down my road.  She is bipolar though, because one minute she is all sweet and kind, and the next threatening me again.  It gets to the point where I am literally scared for my safety.  I call my security company and give them her car details as well as a personal description of her - the next time she threatened me I told her to leave me alone.  To never contact me again.  And I told her that I had given her details over to my security company... Her response was: "When I am done with you, you will need more than just a security company for protection".

So by this point I am completely freaked out... I can't sleep anymore... noises in my house or on my property make me jumpy.  I worry that she will come for me at a time of day when she knows I am alone... and when nobody will think anything of it if they don't hear from me for a while..

The last time she threatened me I sat up crying and scared the whole night.. At 4am Zel woke up to me losing my mind and fearing for my safety.  At which point my long suffering girlfriend had now had enough.  Zel then proceeds to tell the Bunny Boiler to stop picking on me and to rather pick on someone her own size.. and strength...like Zel...  She was warned very clearly that this must now come to an end.  Since then, I have not heard from her or been threatened again - this was almost a week ago...

Which brings me to my point...

Most stalkers and bunny boilers are merely playground bullies who never grew up.  I know that by me blogging this I may be opening myself up to further abuse by my particular bully, but the time has come for us to stand up against this kind of abuse and threats.  Bullies get their kicks out of your fear... and they feel safe in your silence. 

Well I for one will not stay silent.  Too many of our children are the victims of abuse in schools, and I believe that it is up to us to show them that there is nothing to be ashamed of, that you cannot let your fear keep you muzzled.  Most bullies retreat when met with resistance - as mine has done since Zel stood up to her.  I am still frightened of her, but I will not let fear dominate my life.  I for one am speaking out..

Lead by example!

The Lesbian Grapevine

So here is the thing right.. In the straight world, every couple would have one male and one female (stay with me here, I realise it is a complicated equation), in the LESBIAN world, there are two women in a couple.  With me so far?

Now, how often in the straight world, do we hear the men standing around the braai (barbecue) complaining about how women gossip, or how we fuel everything with drama, or we make Kilimanjaro out of The Melville Koppies?  Now these men do have reason to complain... women do gossip, and in doing so we create a vacuum of meaningless information that usually ends up hurting whoever it is we are gossipping about.

Now imagine if you will, what it must be like in a LESBIAN relationship - both parties are women, all our friends are women, all our exes  are women and basically everyone except our male family members and the occasional moffie - yup, you guessed it all women...  So when this well-oiled machine kicks into gossip mode, all hell usually breaks loose.

I, very recently, had the extreme misfortune of once again being on the receiving end of this chain of gossip!  I will break it down for you - however, the example, as well as all names, have been changed to protect the innocent (and the back stabbing bitches who would take it personally).

It went something like this:

I called Jane and said: "I feel a little bloated today, hope I am not coming down with something!"

Jane called Michelle and said, "Have you noticed Kerren is looking a little bloated, I wonder what's up?"

Michelle called Sarah and said, "Kerren has put on weight recently, she is looking larger don't you think?"

Sarah called Pam and said, "Have you seen how much weight Kerren has put on, wouldn't it be funny if she was pregnant?"

Pam called Sue and said, "It looks like Kerren is pregnant, so much for her being gay right!"

Sue called Anne and said, "I told you that bitch is a straight chick, she is pregnant, by a man obviously!"

Anne called my girlfriend and said, "I am so sorry to hear what Kerren did to you... I hate to say I told you so, but we did warn you, never date a straight chick!"

And at the moment when my girlfriend comes round to discuss our relationship (keep this in mind), I am left bitch-slapped by the vacuum that is the female gay universe and wondering how on earth I fell pregnant...

Perhaps you really can fall pregnant from a toilet seat...

Courage to let go

Does any of it really matter anymore?  Seriously?  Really?

Does any of it really matter?

I can type until I am blue in the face.. I talk and talk and talk, but neither of you are listening.. you are not really listening.  And the truth is I can't even blame you, because you are both so wrapped up in your own problems that you cannot possibly see the ledge where I teeter.  Same as I am so wrapped up in my problems that I cannot comprehend yours...

I feel like I am the last person to get any of your attention, your time, your love..  There are so many things taking your time and energy, that the truth is you really don't have space in your life for me.  For a few weeks this sent me into a spiral of self-pity, but I am gradually coming out of my pity-party to the other side.  What is on the other side?  Nothing... that's what... absolutely nothing... My heart is closing... my emotions are dying.. and still you are not here.. So be it..

And as for you... well.. On the one hand I can see where you are coming from - I get how torn you are... So I don't blame you either.  I am just incredibly sad that even though you are probably the only person on the planet to know just how deep and black my head space is, you are still considering walking away from me because it is expected of you... How does that make me feel?  Incredibly worthless.. One of the things I learnt from the programme you made me watch is that everyone needs a rock... everyone does... and I need to find one I can count on to be there when I just need someone to sit with me ... just to be in the same room so I am not alone.. You asked for time to figure out if you want to be in my life, as a friend, to help me through the darkness, or if you should rather choose your 1-month relationship with a woman who is demanding that you never have contact with me again..  It really is very simple... if you have to sit and think about it... then I really am not worth it to you... So be it...

What was the point of this post?  Who knows... and does it really matter?

It Is What It Is...

More and more I am learning what a complete control freak I am... don't get me wrong, I have always been aware of the fact that I am a bit controlling.. and demanding... and perhaps a little anal on certain matters (the first step is admitting you have a problem)!

I have been dealing with a few things in the past week. Firstly, I am seeing someone new.. (please hold while I take deep breaths into a brown paper bag).

You have to understand that this is a terrifying prospect for me - I am brought to my knees by all the things that go along with the prospect of a new relationship.  I have been so secure for the past 12 years - so convinced of the love I was receiving, that being in a place of uncertainty is proving rather taxing for me.  The constant need for balance between heart and head is exhausting.

Knowing who I am as a person, some of you probably know how much weight I place on listening to my instincts - my instincts have served me pretty well in the past - and when they fail me, Adam and Zel were always there to provide a safety net and help me through.  Times have changed though, Adam has moved out and Zel walked away.  To be honest, we kind of walked away from each other, but the deep places inside me that still feel her leaving find it easier to think that she walked away from me.  So, for the first time in 12 years I find myself truly on my own - and this fills me with the most crippling fear you can imagine.  At the same time however, it fills me with incredible excitement - who knows what the future holds???

I apologise... I digress...

Lets call her Kiwi...

Kiwi entered my life like a tropical storm.  The attraction (from my side) was instantaneous and undeniable.  We were both tied up elsewhere however, and we remained just friends.  Very recently this friendship has developed into more than just friends...

Now this is where my head and heart are in turmoil... so I will give you both..

My heart adores her.. She is like nothing I have ever known before.  I was warned against her... told to stay away from her... told she is trouble.. she will break my heart.. But she has never shown me any of these things.  Kiwi says all the right things... She tells me what my heart wants to hear... There are times when we are together that I feel so completely in tune with her it is frightening... Kiwi treats me like nobody else exists.. most of the time..

Then there is my head, or my instinct... call it what you will..

My instinct tells me over and over again that something is amiss.. That all is not as it should be.  If you ask me to pinpoint what my instincts are telling me I cannot... It is merely just a feeling at this point.  Sometimes she seems so far from me.. Like either her mind is completely in another place, or that she is not happy with me.. Something is troubling her.  Perhaps I am not who she thought I was... Perhaps she is learning I am not what she wants... I don't know.. All I know is it is making me crazy.. And when I talk to her about it she tells me I am imagining things.. that nothing is wrong... That there is nothing she is not telling me.. But still the voices speak on in my head.. telling me "caution"...

This has been making me crazy for a few days now... So today I spoke to Adam about it... he is the only voice of reason I have who I know without a doubt has my best interests at heart..   And Adam said something that has really struck a chord with me... He said, "It is what it is"!

And I think perhaps I need to trust in this.. Who knows, perhaps something is bugging her.. perhaps she is not as happy with me as I am with her... Either way, she is not opening up to me.. Perhaps I am just used to being around people who find it easy to express themselves... Perhaps she just needs time... I don't know..

So it is what it is... One day at a time.. me fretting about it will not help this situation.. all will be revealed when it is meant to be... So for now...

I have to try to let go of all my controlling ways...

It is what it is...

Aint Life Grand?

 This is Grumpy.. and boy is Grumpy grumpy.. Having said that, Grumpy is someone in my world who is delivering a great many smiles and happy thoughts into my day to day life...  Not to mention shorts, t-shirts, socks, Bloody Mary's in vast quantities... and a healthy splotching of chaos, insanity and evil bitchiness (or is that butchiness?) all rolled into a very happy friendship.

 This is Happy... and, believe it or not, I am known as Happy to Grumpy..  I know some of you may not believe this given the very dark posts you have seen from me in the past two years - but I think Grumpy may be on to something...


There are definite areas of my life where I am enjoying the emotion "happy"  Now that may not sound all that thrilling to you, however, if you take into account the fact that some of these happy places were absolute places of horror for me a year ago, you will see how MONUMENTAL this actually is!


The most noticeable of course is my admitting to myself, as well as the world, that I am gay.  It remains a topic that is able to astound me on the odd occasion.  Having said that, it is a topic that brings me great joy and peace.. I finally feel comfortable in my own skin.. It is amazing...


The second one is the fact that I am beginning to like who I am.. If you know me pretty well, you will know that this is such a giant leap into the unknown for me.  I have been putting extensive effort into upping my EQ.  It is proving to be a worthy opponent - There are huge terrifying challenges that I am taking one at a time... And I have to say, so far so good!  I do not always get it right, but I am definitely on the right path... 


I know that my new outlook and behaviour is proving trying and testing for some of the people in my world.. I have caused hurt, anger and shock in a number of encounters in the past 6 weeks (or there abouts)... but I could not, in all good conscience, continue to hide from other truths in my life that required a voice.


I need to express my sincere apologies to those I have offended in the recent past.  Please try to understand that the things I have said, I have said so as to be able to speak my truth and hold my head high in that knowledge.




And to those people who stand beside me on this path and offer support when I stumble, I once again want to thank you - your contribution to my well-being is greatly appreciated..




There are areas of my life which still require attention, but I am experiencing so much happiness in the areas I have worked hard in, that I feel motivated to continue on this path of truth and peace...


Watch this space...

Can anyone see what Grumpy keeps close to the front door of the home?



Reflection results in clarity

( Sodahead )

Sometimes I wonder if we ever learn certain lessons...

Take my Husky for example, she is 7 years old, she is obedience trained, she is far calmer these days than when she was a puppy.  Yet still she is unable to grasp the concept that if she charges through the house and launches herself onto my bed - no matter how gorgeous she is -I will not let her sleep there!  Having a Jack Russel sleeping on the bed is one thing, but having a full grown husky sleeping on the bed is no joke!  She takes over the whole bed and it annoys me. 

Tonight I feel sort of how she must feel after she has once again been banished from my room.. Kind of like: Arggggghhh, will I ever get it right?"

I keep making the same error in one aspect of my life.

I maintain the same course of action every time I am in this situation.  Nine times out of ten, the result is not in my favour.  So you would think that perhaps with these kinds of odds against me, I would attempt a new course upon entering the ring for the following round... but no.. Not I!!!

Isn't something missing?

Perhaps I should finally lay down new rules of engagement for this particular test in my time here on this rock?

Excellent idea Kerren :)

Right.. Rules of Engagement:

1.   Start how you mean to finish.

2.  Engage both head and heart

3.  Remember that growth is the goal

4.  Remember that truth is the ultimate communication

5.  At all times remain open - do not build walls

6.  However, pay attention when your instincts warn caution

7.  Live without regret

How long until my soul gets it right?

Let it be this time...

Lesson(s) my Son learned today..



This is how it went:

Me: "Caleb, don't lean too far over the edge my love, that water is dirty, and you don't want to fall in".

Caleb: "oooooh Mom, I am not a baby like Daniel, I can take care of myself".

Me: "Ok Caleb, but if you fall in, you know I am not coming in to get you.. who knows what is under that water".

Caleb: " Yeessssss Mom... 'sigh'".

10 minutes pass...

Splash.. followed by screaming.. high-pitched distressed screaming...

Caleb: "Mom.. sob sob sob.. hurry.. come get me out before something bad gets my feet.... sob sob scream sob".

I run over.. naturally.. haul him out.. he is wet up to his armpits..

Sitting down on the grass 5 minutes later.. hugging my "big boy" to my chest.. rocking gently..

Me: "Its ok my love, nothing got you.. and Mommy came to save you quickly".

Caleb: "Sob.. thanks Mom".

Me: "See my boy.. sometimes Mommy says things for a reason.. not just to spoil your fun".

Caleb: "Yes mom.. sorry Mom".

Ahhhh.. another small victory for mothers everywhere!

So what have I learnt today?

1.   Things are bound to get worse before they get better.
2.   Having a "Mom's" night with some of the mothers from Caleb's school does not mean it'll be quiet.
3.   People often surprise you.
4.   You may think you know how people will react - but whoatherebigpony you don't.. someone will always surprise you.
5.   At a school that bills you the earth for a Cambridge Education, there is still a lack of communication.
6.   The cat is going pee-pee in the house because she has "Tom-Cat stress" - hahaha.. those were the exact words of our vet to me this morning... hahaha... tom-cat stress...
7.   Our cat is now on the kitty version of Prozac to help her deal with tom..
8.   I am slightly concerned that the pills will make her more... um....proactive with tom.. and less likely to scratch his eyes out... we will see...
9.   My child beat everyone in a race today.. including the coach...:)
10. Even though the new ott giganormous flat screen LCD HD TV does not fit in our TV cabinet, I love it.. and will gladly saw through pieces of wood in my beloved cabinet to make it fit...
11. Either that or use above-mentioned beloved cabinet as firewood and mount the new TV on the wall..
12.  Yes, I am that shallow...

Lessons I learnt today...



1. When both your children have noses full of slimy stuff and they start to cry at the same time, move out of the way of fast moving pedestrian traffic through the school gate. 
2. No matter how upset the eldest is, if the baby on your hip begins to cough from too much crying, step away from the respectable folk and tip baby's head away from you - preferably in a flowerbed and not towards the opening of said gate.
3. If lesson 2 was forgotten and you are now covered in slimy puke, attempt some dignity by leaving the area as quickly as possible - under no circumstances should you engage in conversation with any parents or teachers!
4.  Even though it is raining and you are sopping wet from rain and puke, remove your warm jumper and use it to clean the slimy puke from the baby - this is done with love, unconditional devotion and not a thought for yourself.. only a mothers love...
5.  Do not think that just because you are pushed for time, should you go straight to the garage where your car is being serviced - any respectable person would have gone home first to change.
6.  If step 5 is ignored (dumbass) you should attempt to stand a decent distance from the people working in the garage whilst booking in your car. 
7.  If step 5 and 6 are ignored, do not be surprised when the garage calls to say that your service on your car is going to be way more than originally thought.
8.  When going round to your Mother-in-Law's house to load an obscene amount of heavy, wet and muddy lawn onto the back of your bakkie (van), do not forget your gloves.
9.  No gloves can protect a manicure from this kind of abuse.
10.  Do not wear your most expensive and very new trainers to complete above task.
11.  If, after this start to the day, you are still not convinced you should crawl back in to bed and start the day again, get on the bike and cycle 30kms - once this is complete, do 200 sit-ups as well as weight training for the flabby arms...

And on that note.. hi ho.. hi ho.. it's off to cycle I go...