Gay did it again...

Now it's the gays fault that Marikana happened??? We should have known we would get the blame... lol... well.. it's either us or Satan.. oh wait.. we are a product of Satan.. Gay Jumper Demons and all that...

Pastor Errol Naidoo from the Family Policy Institute
"Abortion-on-demand, driven by radical feminist activists and the homosexual agenda, lie at the heart of the culture of death. These anti-family groups are responsible for population decline ... There has been much hand wringing and recrimination about the Marikana [tragedy]. But when human life is diminished in the womb, that callousness will find its way into the national psyche."

Ebb and Flow

Again it has been months since my thoughts have wanted out... but here I am.. the need to write over-powering.

Where to from here is anyone's guess...

The stalker saga really frightened the life out of me... scared me away from my blog... It has been a long hard journey standing in my truth.. I have stumbled, fallen and scraped my hands and knees more often than I like to admit.. but I am still here...

I began a different path after Gen's passing.  I have tried to look more objectively within myself, to find not only truth, but motive..  I have written about this before.. For most of my life I have been plagued by the question "Does that make me a good person?".  People say I am a good person because I try to do the right things... but if my motives are not pure of any manipulation, then surely I am not a good person, but merely playing a role?

Anyway... back to motives...

Since Gen's death, I have searched many avenues to find a mantra or "life message" that I can believe in... Recently I found one.. And I think it has been a true and solid path.. It is sometimes incredibly difficult to follow, but is proving worth it at the end of each "obstacle".

Tonight I am struggling with my most difficult challenge to date since adopting this code...  Tonight I struggle to act without ego... My ego is proving stronger than my emotional intelligence..

To act without ego is the goal... and tonight I am a blind striker.. and missing by miles..

Tomorrow is a new day...

Tomorrow I will try again..

Tomorrow I begin with a fresh and full portion of faith in humanity...

Tomorrow...

Gossipers, Hypocrites and Backstabbers

The first time I met M she was a sweet as syrup.  She seemed so genuine and welcoming of me that I completely let down my guard - Zel and I both thought this was someone we could both have as a friend... little did I know...  You know that old saying about keep your friends close and your enemies closer?  Well it certainly applies to this one..

Towards the end of last year when things went sour between Zel and I, Zel spent a great deal of time with M - considering her a friend.  M and her "gang" spun a whole bunch of lies into Zel's ear - this in turn fuelled Zel's rage towards me.  They spent a great deal of energy telling Zel what a terrible person and pathological liar T was.

About a month into my relationship with T, M suddenly turned on Zel - and then started telling T what a terrible person Zel is and how I was better off with T than with Zel.

I know this is confusing, but stay with me...

When T and I broke up, M was suddenly best friends with T again and spinning all sorts of lies into T's ear .. which she is still doing..  About how Zel and I were actually still seeing each other behind T's back.  Say what???  This is completely ridiculous, as Zel and I were not on speaking terms for the entire duration of my relationship with T.

Now bring into the fold K..  K was supposedly Zel's best friend (who is now sleeping with Zel's ex girlfriend W).  K was also always so sweet to me.  I opened up to her about some very personal things to do with my childhood.  As far as I knew, K and I had built quite a friendship and she went to a great deal of trouble to tell me how she will always be there for me.. and how much she liked me... blah blah blah.. Only for me to find out very recently that K told Zel that she had never liked me... not even from Day 1.  I have been so hurt by this revelation as I opened up to K about some very personal issues, which I am sure are now being used as dinner conversations for all of them. 

A couple of weeks ago Zel and I went to a party, K was there, and she hugged and greeted me like a long lost friend.  What a two-faced bitch!

Now lets get to Zel's ex-girlfriend.  W has been against Zel and I being together from the start.  In the beginning I held my tongue, and gave W the respect I thought she deserved being Zel's ex.  Zel explained to me that W was just raising concerns for Zel's involvement with me out of love for Zel and wanting to protect her from getting hurt by a married woman with children - this respect has now gone out the window... why you may ask?  The answer is simple..

1.  W has always said that I am taking advantage of Zel and not looking out for Zel's best interest.  I find this incredibly difficult to believe when W is the one who has taken from Zel everything she can in order to further herself.  She has borrowed, begged and stolen from Zel and has now left Zel in a very tough corner that is difficult to get out of.  W came to Zel and begged for Zel to do something for her that would put serious strain on Zel's life.  Zel did it out of love for W... on the condition that certain things were completed by the end of last year... these things have still not been completed and when Zel asked W for help, W's response was, "sorry, not at this time"  Which has now left my long suffering girlfriend in some trouble.

2.  W always said it was me she didn't like, that I, with my complicated life, was bad for Zel... However, when Zel and I were out of contact, Zel dated someone else.  Someone who has no complications and truly is as sweet as syrup.  This girl too was met with the cold front and W and "the gang" were less than welcoming to this soul too.  Which leaves me to question whether W just wants Zel to be single and miserable so W can keep leeching off Zel for the rest of her life.

Now add to all of this that Zel was left to figure out for herself that K and W were seeing each other.  Neither of them gave Zel the respect she deserves by telling her face to face that her ex girlfriend (they dated for about 9 years) and her best friend were in fact sleeping together.

Now enter the fact that W, K and M are all close friends... and have completely cut Zel out of their lives because Zel and I are now dating. 

After our fallout last year, my friends too were sceptical about Zel and I getting serious, but my friends have accepted Zel with open arms, and are taking the stance that if I am happy, then they are happy.  Zel's friends however have completely cut her out and abandoned her - not only that, they all deserted her for the celebration of her 30th birthday - how cruel can people be???  The pain that this caused and is still causing Zel is something I will not soon forget.

So.. to the three of you:  My time of keeping my mouth shut to all of you is done.  Last year you thought me weak because I let you carry on and never stood up for myself.  That time is now over.  My strength, as well as my resolve to protect my girlfriend from your gossipping, lying and selfish ways is more formidable than you think...  So I say to you.. watch yourselves.. and if you see me walking towards you, run and hide.. I will no longer be quite to your sanctimonious, hypocritical ways.. and if you have something to say about me, then for the first time in your lives at least have enough of a spine to say it to my face.

To my friends, I wish to once again say a big thank you, from both Zel and myself, for showing us what true friendship is all about

Bunny Boilers, Stalkers and Psychos

There seem to be so many bunny boilers around at the moment...

In the past month I picked up a stalker.  I am not exaggerating...  The VERY short version went like this:

Met a chick... Made it very clear that I do not want to be exclusive with her.. Also made it very clear that I was not looking for a relationship of any sort, and that I was dating other people.  Fooled around with her for 5 days.  On day 6 I told her that we could not get together that night because I had other plans - enter the bunny boiler!

Starts accusing me of sleeping with people I have never even met - I am good, but getting laid by someone I have never met is beyond even my fabulosity.  The abusive and aggressive text messages start here.  She drives past my house on numerous occasions to see who is visiting me.  Sends me messages about hiding cars in my garage so as to pull the wool over her eyes - Say What??? 

Firstly, we never dated, we only fooled around for a few days.  Secondly I am a 36-year-old woman, I do not need to hide anything from anyone.  Thirdly, the person who was actually at my house visiting that evening is now my girlfriend - Thankfully, all the communication that went back and forth between the Bunny Boiler and myself from this point on was witnessed by Zel (the afore-mentioned girlfriend).

The Bunny Boiler then starts threatening people to stay away from me, that they are not allowed to be friends with me - and all the time she is doing this, she is lying through her teeth.  She tells me one thing, and tells the other party a completely different story.  However, she is so far gone, and so delusional that she actually believes her own lies... it is something to witness, I will tell you that much..

She continues to stalk me, bumping into me in shopping centres, driving up and down my road.  She is bipolar though, because one minute she is all sweet and kind, and the next threatening me again.  It gets to the point where I am literally scared for my safety.  I call my security company and give them her car details as well as a personal description of her - the next time she threatened me I told her to leave me alone.  To never contact me again.  And I told her that I had given her details over to my security company... Her response was: "When I am done with you, you will need more than just a security company for protection".

So by this point I am completely freaked out... I can't sleep anymore... noises in my house or on my property make me jumpy.  I worry that she will come for me at a time of day when she knows I am alone... and when nobody will think anything of it if they don't hear from me for a while..

The last time she threatened me I sat up crying and scared the whole night.. At 4am Zel woke up to me losing my mind and fearing for my safety.  At which point my long suffering girlfriend had now had enough.  Zel then proceeds to tell the Bunny Boiler to stop picking on me and to rather pick on someone her own size.. and strength...like Zel...  She was warned very clearly that this must now come to an end.  Since then, I have not heard from her or been threatened again - this was almost a week ago...

Which brings me to my point...

Most stalkers and bunny boilers are merely playground bullies who never grew up.  I know that by me blogging this I may be opening myself up to further abuse by my particular bully, but the time has come for us to stand up against this kind of abuse and threats.  Bullies get their kicks out of your fear... and they feel safe in your silence. 

Well I for one will not stay silent.  Too many of our children are the victims of abuse in schools, and I believe that it is up to us to show them that there is nothing to be ashamed of, that you cannot let your fear keep you muzzled.  Most bullies retreat when met with resistance - as mine has done since Zel stood up to her.  I am still frightened of her, but I will not let fear dominate my life.  I for one am speaking out..

Lead by example!

Top 10 Tips - from Lesbians to straight men

WARNING:  This post contains language and terminology that sensitive readers may find offensive.  Discretion is advised.

This post has been a long time coming.. but I am finally at the point where I think that a certain "group" in society really need a little help in looking less like idiots... so here goes:

This list is my Top 10 things straight guys should avoid saying to LESBIANS and why they should be avoided.

1.  I am also a LESBIAN

Dude, while you may think this a hilarious way to break the ice with a LESBIAN, I can assure you that we find it rather annoying.  Firstly, it is a sin against nature for anything with a penis to call themselves a LESBIAN.  Secondly, it may have been funny the first time we heard it, but after the 6000th time it is just rather a yawn for us, and we pretty much know every straight guy on the planet is going to say it to us at one point or another.

2.  How can you call it sex without a penis/penetration?

This one makes me want to slap you on the forehead just to see how quick your reflexes are!!!  Dumbass!!!  Just because there is no penis, does not mean there is no penetration, and any man who is stupid enough to ask this question is mocked and laughed at by LESBIANS everywhere... because it is thinking like this that makes it so much easier for us to lure your sisters into our beds..  No wonder there are so many un-satisfied straight chicks in the world, when so many straight men believe sex is about penetration.

3.  You just have not had the right penis yet

OMG.. this one never fails to get the response of my jaw dropping on the ground.  This happens sooooooo many times.  I will be in a pub and some guy is hitting on me.  Usually I will try to dissuade him gently, however, if the message is not getting through, I will usually respond with "Honey, you are just not my type, but if you introduce me to your sister..."  It is around this point that it dawns on him that I am gay.. and 9 times out of 10 they will then make the comment that no woman is truly gay, we just have not had the right penis yet... implying that I should try their fabulous specimen.  And it is usually around this point in the conversation that I ask him to picture himself having sex with the barman, and as the would be suitor gags on the thought, I point out that I feel pretty much the same at the thought of having sex with the barman.

4.  Who is the man in the relationship?

There is no man in the relationship dumbass... that is the whole point!  Now, granted, it may look to you like one woman is dominant in the relationship, but just because one of the women does not wear dresses and make-up, does not make her the dominant partner, it is just her personal choice when it comes to her appearance.  This does not however always roll-over in to the bedroom.  Have you never heard the term "butch in the streets and femme in the sheets?"  If not, I would be happy to explain it to you.

5.  Can I join in?

I know this may come as a shock to you, but if we wanted a man to join in our sexual escapades, we would pick one of any number of salivating gentlemen.  Also, if we wanted a man in our bed, this would technically make us bisexual and not LESBIAN.  While there are gay women out there who once in a while dabble with the opposite sex, we more often than not do not appreciate this offer.  If we want you in our beds, we will make the move...  So you should live by the rule that if we don't ask we are not interested.  And just to make it clear, I am not one of these women who dabble across the bridge - I burnt the bridge when I crossed over.

6.  Can I watch?

There is absolutely nothing appealing about letting a man watch me make love to my girlfriend... I know this also may come as a surprise to you, but fantasising about you getting an erection whilst watching me bring my girlfriend to orgasm is more like a nightmare than a sexually stimulating thought.

7.  Prove it!

This one is just so stupid it usually just makes me turn around and walk away without even responding.  It really does go hand-in-hand with numbers 5 and 6.

8.  It is such a waste that a woman like you is gay

In the words of a very clever LESBIAN I know, "As if we were put on this planet purely for the pleasure of men!"  I promise you that me being gay is seen as a beautiful thing by other gay women.  The only waste was the oxygen you stole from the planet to make this idiotic statement.

9.  If you like butch women, why don't you just date a man?

Listen dumbass, this one usually makes me ask you if you went to special school???  A butch woman is still a woman - and it amazes me that I have to explain it to you.  There are all different kinds of women on this great big rock, and just like you may have a personal type that you are attracted to, so do I.  I am not generally attracted to femme girls - While I can appreciate that they are sexy, beautiful or attractive, they usually don't get me all hot and flustered.  A tomboy, or butch women is a completely different story.  I love the way their strength swirls around their softer sides.  A butch woman may look all tough and masculine on the outside, but I promise you that in private she is all woman, and she knows and understands my needs in a way that only a woman can.   She may be wearing biker boots and a button down shirt, but underneath the clothing her skin is soft and her curves are in the same places as mine.. you do the math!

10.  Are you sure?

WTF?  Are you sure you shouldn't sit down before you hurt yourself thinking so much???

So listen up boys, the next time you meet a LESBIAN and are tempted to say one of the above... rather don't!  Just keep your dignity and ego in tact and either change the subject or try your luck with someone else, because with us you are just flogging a dead horse when you continue to buy drinks for a woman who was clearly not interested the first time you used your "tried and tested" pick-up line.

The Lesbian Grapevine

So here is the thing right.. In the straight world, every couple would have one male and one female (stay with me here, I realise it is a complicated equation), in the LESBIAN world, there are two women in a couple.  With me so far?

Now, how often in the straight world, do we hear the men standing around the braai (barbecue) complaining about how women gossip, or how we fuel everything with drama, or we make Kilimanjaro out of The Melville Koppies?  Now these men do have reason to complain... women do gossip, and in doing so we create a vacuum of meaningless information that usually ends up hurting whoever it is we are gossipping about.

Now imagine if you will, what it must be like in a LESBIAN relationship - both parties are women, all our friends are women, all our exes  are women and basically everyone except our male family members and the occasional moffie - yup, you guessed it all women...  So when this well-oiled machine kicks into gossip mode, all hell usually breaks loose.

I, very recently, had the extreme misfortune of once again being on the receiving end of this chain of gossip!  I will break it down for you - however, the example, as well as all names, have been changed to protect the innocent (and the back stabbing bitches who would take it personally).

It went something like this:

I called Jane and said: "I feel a little bloated today, hope I am not coming down with something!"

Jane called Michelle and said, "Have you noticed Kerren is looking a little bloated, I wonder what's up?"

Michelle called Sarah and said, "Kerren has put on weight recently, she is looking larger don't you think?"

Sarah called Pam and said, "Have you seen how much weight Kerren has put on, wouldn't it be funny if she was pregnant?"

Pam called Sue and said, "It looks like Kerren is pregnant, so much for her being gay right!"

Sue called Anne and said, "I told you that bitch is a straight chick, she is pregnant, by a man obviously!"

Anne called my girlfriend and said, "I am so sorry to hear what Kerren did to you... I hate to say I told you so, but we did warn you, never date a straight chick!"

And at the moment when my girlfriend comes round to discuss our relationship (keep this in mind), I am left bitch-slapped by the vacuum that is the female gay universe and wondering how on earth I fell pregnant...

Perhaps you really can fall pregnant from a toilet seat...

Missing you...

I miss you every day... I hope you are blowing out your candles in heaven little one

Love Mommy

xxx

Courage to let go

Does any of it really matter anymore?  Seriously?  Really?

Does any of it really matter?

I can type until I am blue in the face.. I talk and talk and talk, but neither of you are listening.. you are not really listening.  And the truth is I can't even blame you, because you are both so wrapped up in your own problems that you cannot possibly see the ledge where I teeter.  Same as I am so wrapped up in my problems that I cannot comprehend yours...

I feel like I am the last person to get any of your attention, your time, your love..  There are so many things taking your time and energy, that the truth is you really don't have space in your life for me.  For a few weeks this sent me into a spiral of self-pity, but I am gradually coming out of my pity-party to the other side.  What is on the other side?  Nothing... that's what... absolutely nothing... My heart is closing... my emotions are dying.. and still you are not here.. So be it..

And as for you... well.. On the one hand I can see where you are coming from - I get how torn you are... So I don't blame you either.  I am just incredibly sad that even though you are probably the only person on the planet to know just how deep and black my head space is, you are still considering walking away from me because it is expected of you... How does that make me feel?  Incredibly worthless.. One of the things I learnt from the programme you made me watch is that everyone needs a rock... everyone does... and I need to find one I can count on to be there when I just need someone to sit with me ... just to be in the same room so I am not alone.. You asked for time to figure out if you want to be in my life, as a friend, to help me through the darkness, or if you should rather choose your 1-month relationship with a woman who is demanding that you never have contact with me again..  It really is very simple... if you have to sit and think about it... then I really am not worth it to you... So be it...

What was the point of this post?  Who knows... and does it really matter?

Let It Rise

They tell me to write about happy events.. happy thoughts …. To put positive things on paper.. they do not understand my writing.

For some reason I struggle to write if I am not in pain.. my writing is born of my pain.. the bad days give rise to the longing inside me to express myself – very rarely do the words flow on the good days.

Asking me to write inspirational pieces is like asking Stephen King to write trashy love stories… His writing comes from darkness.. mine too.

Tonight the pain is rising .. like the tide.. inevitable…it is a living pulsing thing inside of me.. tonight the pain wants a voice.

When we were children, Angie had a doll that went everywhere with her – at 37 she still has this doll and guards it protectively like a child. The doll has a hard head and hands, but the rest of her is made merely of cloth and foam stuffing. Because this doll is so dearly loved and treasured, she often looked a bit shop worn and tattered due to the constant intense handling. Every so often Granny would recover the doll for Angie, giving her a new lease on life – or so I have always believed…

Tonight I know the truth – the doll was covered, not to give her a fresh start, but rather to hide the worn and battered appearance underneath.

I am the doll.

I have been covering myself in layers of new and shiny things. Believing that I was starting afresh… that the new covering would take away the ugliness that lurks beneath.

But the ugliness remains.. Tonight the new and shiny coverings cannot hold back what went before. It seeps through the new layers to the surface.

I feel the darkness coming down around me.. closing me in .. shutting you out..you are still here, but I will The Nothing to cover you completely.. so that even though you are here and you can see me, it will hide you from me.. to remove from my gaze the vision that causes such deep pain.. such a longing inside me that it slowly corrodes any goodness that may remain.

Tonight The Nothing is welcome.. I am willingly allowing it in .. waiting for it to shut everything else out..

Let there be nothing

Inbetween

The disappointment is less that is for sure…

I am learning to live with less

To expect less

To need less 

Can you feel the change?

Where once I was spoilt for choice

Now I go without

There are days when there is nothing

Nothing but the functionary response expected

It has already begun

The lack of emotion remains unnoticed

The monotone overlooked

I respond and it is accepted

Much like Pavlov’s dog

I dreaded the start

One brick at a time

One breath at a time

Closing it in

Building it strong

Yet now I long for the completion

 

As it grows I become stronger

The naysayer insists there will be a price

They cannot possibly know that I owe nothing

My toll paid in full many moons ago

 

Has it occurred to you yet?

Ramblings of a busy mind

Today I sit and write with no idea what is coming… It is the first time in forever that the need to write is overpowering.. and yet I have no idea what I will type.

Sometimes there is a specific topic that I need to write about.. you have seen me write a few times by beginning the post saying that the words of the post were going round and round in my head.. they were demanding voice, demanding an audience.. and those blog posts I love to write..

But..

This is my favourite way to write… The urge to write is strong.. I need to get some things out of me.. I have to write.. and yet I have no idea what is coming.. Where will the post go? Not even I know..
I do know that SHE is on my mind a lot at the moment. I know this is because her date is coming up soon. One of the two dates on the calendar that fill me with such emotion I am never quite sure what I am feeling.. It has been 7 years.. How can so much time have moved on since you left? Are you still watching down on me? Do you see into my soul the way nobody else can? Do you look at me through the eyes of a child, or through the eyes of an old soul? Do you see into our past? Do you carry all the connections that we have experienced through lifetimes?

I carry you with me in this moment as I have down countless ones before. But today it hurts..

I sit in my study and look out the door to the falling rain.. I look passed Adam’s desk. A desk that is now empty… The only proof that it once was occupied is the cactus that no longer flourishes and the bolts on the wall where a monitor was once fastened..

The rain continues to fall .. relentless in its downward fall…

YOU too are on my mind. It has been almost 3 years since your passing.. and I still think of you more often than I think you would have believed. I ponder where our friendship would be now had you lived. I wonder if your soul is now at peace with HER and your SON. I wonder if it was your sudden passing that has made it so difficult for my mind, my soul, to let you go. You were ripped out of our lives so violently that the shock is still with me. I hope your soul is at peace my friend.

Bringing conscious thoughts of YOU to mind always leads me back to the FIRST. Ten years have gone by since you took your own life. Do you regret ending it all? When in truth all you ended was your earthly suffering. Your death began mine. Have you heard the thoughts I have sent you over the years? Do you know that I still regret not trying harder when I could see you were suffering? You were my first real shock with death.. Your death shook me then as it still does now… I hope your soul is at peace my friend.

I cast my mind way back into the past to hold on to a happy thought… I am just a little girl, playing in my grandparents’ garden. It is a beautiful sunny day. I am on the swing in the tree just outside the kitchen door. I can smell the scent of the berries – It is a scent I have long been searching for. Every time I see a tree that could be the same as the one in your garden I crush a berry and take a deep breath of the scent released… I have yet to find it, but I would know it anywhere. 

Max is lying in the sun and Candy is lying on the kitchen floor out of the heat. My Grandfather is cleaning the pool, and my grandmother is whipping up something yummy in the kitchen.  I can hear the sound of summer... In this moment  have no inclincing of the twists and turns that await me in the future... I hold this memory with me now as I travel through these emotions…

Now we both know where this post went…

Lonely

It has been 12 years since I have lived alone - It's a third of my life.

I have never understood how people can say that they are lonely - especially women who are just coming out of divorce.  I have always thought stop being so ridiculous, there are plenty of places to meet people and to increase your circle of friends - you just have to get out there and make an effort - now that I am in the same situation, I understand how difficult it really is.

It is not that I don't have friends, or people to spend the day with, it's just that the loneliness is present even when I am surrounded by people.  It is something that sits deep inside me and is continuously there - even when I have family or friends right in front of me.

There is a hole inside me that seems to be growing...

There is still no doubt in my mind that I have chosen the right path for me, and yet this feeling of disappearing, of not really being alive is gnawing away at my soul.  I have met some truly amazing people in the past couple of weeks - people who I know if I gave them a call now and said, "lets do something today", most of them would make the effort to spend time with me - and yet the emptiness still grows.

It is becoming a bit of a vicious circle - the more the emptiness grows, the less I want to go out and be around people.  And the less I go out and be around people the more the emptiness grows.  It is growing at such an alarming rate right now that I am beginning to wonder if I am not suffering with a bit of depression?

This thought seems absolutely ridiculous and plausible at the same time.  It seems ridiculous because I am in a space in my life where I have never been happier with who I am and the choices I have made, and yet it seems plausible because I am finding it more and more difficult to get out of bed in the mornings.  Every night when I go to bed I tell myself that tomorrow will be different.. tomorrow I am going to do something fun with the boys, or invite friends round, or take the boys to visit family.  And yet every morning when the sun rises all I really want to do is stay in bed and watch the day pass through my window.

Some days when the boys are not here, I just lay on the bed for hours and stare out the window... Literally hours can pass without me realising that time is moving on...

I know that it will take time.. and I know I need to take it one day at a time... but there are old friendships that I miss very much right now.. there is something about old friendships that is very comforting at times like this...

Having said that, there are a couple of friends (some very new) who are a constant source of positive energy and light to me right now.. Debbi, Les, Tray, Lynn, Trace, Cat, and especially Blom... You guys are worth more to me than you know.. thank you for always looking out for me



It Is What It Is...

More and more I am learning what a complete control freak I am... don't get me wrong, I have always been aware of the fact that I am a bit controlling.. and demanding... and perhaps a little anal on certain matters (the first step is admitting you have a problem)!

I have been dealing with a few things in the past week. Firstly, I am seeing someone new.. (please hold while I take deep breaths into a brown paper bag).

You have to understand that this is a terrifying prospect for me - I am brought to my knees by all the things that go along with the prospect of a new relationship.  I have been so secure for the past 12 years - so convinced of the love I was receiving, that being in a place of uncertainty is proving rather taxing for me.  The constant need for balance between heart and head is exhausting.

Knowing who I am as a person, some of you probably know how much weight I place on listening to my instincts - my instincts have served me pretty well in the past - and when they fail me, Adam and Zel were always there to provide a safety net and help me through.  Times have changed though, Adam has moved out and Zel walked away.  To be honest, we kind of walked away from each other, but the deep places inside me that still feel her leaving find it easier to think that she walked away from me.  So, for the first time in 12 years I find myself truly on my own - and this fills me with the most crippling fear you can imagine.  At the same time however, it fills me with incredible excitement - who knows what the future holds???

I apologise... I digress...

Lets call her Kiwi...

Kiwi entered my life like a tropical storm.  The attraction (from my side) was instantaneous and undeniable.  We were both tied up elsewhere however, and we remained just friends.  Very recently this friendship has developed into more than just friends...

Now this is where my head and heart are in turmoil... so I will give you both..

My heart adores her.. She is like nothing I have ever known before.  I was warned against her... told to stay away from her... told she is trouble.. she will break my heart.. But she has never shown me any of these things.  Kiwi says all the right things... She tells me what my heart wants to hear... There are times when we are together that I feel so completely in tune with her it is frightening... Kiwi treats me like nobody else exists.. most of the time..

Then there is my head, or my instinct... call it what you will..

My instinct tells me over and over again that something is amiss.. That all is not as it should be.  If you ask me to pinpoint what my instincts are telling me I cannot... It is merely just a feeling at this point.  Sometimes she seems so far from me.. Like either her mind is completely in another place, or that she is not happy with me.. Something is troubling her.  Perhaps I am not who she thought I was... Perhaps she is learning I am not what she wants... I don't know.. All I know is it is making me crazy.. And when I talk to her about it she tells me I am imagining things.. that nothing is wrong... That there is nothing she is not telling me.. But still the voices speak on in my head.. telling me "caution"...

This has been making me crazy for a few days now... So today I spoke to Adam about it... he is the only voice of reason I have who I know without a doubt has my best interests at heart..   And Adam said something that has really struck a chord with me... He said, "It is what it is"!

And I think perhaps I need to trust in this.. Who knows, perhaps something is bugging her.. perhaps she is not as happy with me as I am with her... Either way, she is not opening up to me.. Perhaps I am just used to being around people who find it easy to express themselves... Perhaps she just needs time... I don't know..

So it is what it is... One day at a time.. me fretting about it will not help this situation.. all will be revealed when it is meant to be... So for now...

I have to try to let go of all my controlling ways...

It is what it is...

Aint Life Grand?

 This is Grumpy.. and boy is Grumpy grumpy.. Having said that, Grumpy is someone in my world who is delivering a great many smiles and happy thoughts into my day to day life...  Not to mention shorts, t-shirts, socks, Bloody Mary's in vast quantities... and a healthy splotching of chaos, insanity and evil bitchiness (or is that butchiness?) all rolled into a very happy friendship.

 This is Happy... and, believe it or not, I am known as Happy to Grumpy..  I know some of you may not believe this given the very dark posts you have seen from me in the past two years - but I think Grumpy may be on to something...


There are definite areas of my life where I am enjoying the emotion "happy"  Now that may not sound all that thrilling to you, however, if you take into account the fact that some of these happy places were absolute places of horror for me a year ago, you will see how MONUMENTAL this actually is!


The most noticeable of course is my admitting to myself, as well as the world, that I am gay.  It remains a topic that is able to astound me on the odd occasion.  Having said that, it is a topic that brings me great joy and peace.. I finally feel comfortable in my own skin.. It is amazing...


The second one is the fact that I am beginning to like who I am.. If you know me pretty well, you will know that this is such a giant leap into the unknown for me.  I have been putting extensive effort into upping my EQ.  It is proving to be a worthy opponent - There are huge terrifying challenges that I am taking one at a time... And I have to say, so far so good!  I do not always get it right, but I am definitely on the right path... 


I know that my new outlook and behaviour is proving trying and testing for some of the people in my world.. I have caused hurt, anger and shock in a number of encounters in the past 6 weeks (or there abouts)... but I could not, in all good conscience, continue to hide from other truths in my life that required a voice.


I need to express my sincere apologies to those I have offended in the recent past.  Please try to understand that the things I have said, I have said so as to be able to speak my truth and hold my head high in that knowledge.




And to those people who stand beside me on this path and offer support when I stumble, I once again want to thank you - your contribution to my well-being is greatly appreciated..




There are areas of my life which still require attention, but I am experiencing so much happiness in the areas I have worked hard in, that I feel motivated to continue on this path of truth and peace...


Watch this space...

Can anyone see what Grumpy keeps close to the front door of the home?



Reflection results in clarity

( Sodahead )

Sometimes I wonder if we ever learn certain lessons...

Take my Husky for example, she is 7 years old, she is obedience trained, she is far calmer these days than when she was a puppy.  Yet still she is unable to grasp the concept that if she charges through the house and launches herself onto my bed - no matter how gorgeous she is -I will not let her sleep there!  Having a Jack Russel sleeping on the bed is one thing, but having a full grown husky sleeping on the bed is no joke!  She takes over the whole bed and it annoys me. 

Tonight I feel sort of how she must feel after she has once again been banished from my room.. Kind of like: Arggggghhh, will I ever get it right?"

I keep making the same error in one aspect of my life.

I maintain the same course of action every time I am in this situation.  Nine times out of ten, the result is not in my favour.  So you would think that perhaps with these kinds of odds against me, I would attempt a new course upon entering the ring for the following round... but no.. Not I!!!

Isn't something missing?

Perhaps I should finally lay down new rules of engagement for this particular test in my time here on this rock?

Excellent idea Kerren :)

Right.. Rules of Engagement:

1.   Start how you mean to finish.

2.  Engage both head and heart

3.  Remember that growth is the goal

4.  Remember that truth is the ultimate communication

5.  At all times remain open - do not build walls

6.  However, pay attention when your instincts warn caution

7.  Live without regret

How long until my soul gets it right?

Let it be this time...

How I feel tonight

Times.. they are a changing...

Ok people.. I know it has been forever since I have written.. there is a very good reason for this.  Some of you who are involved in my personal world will already know what I am about to say.  For those who know me only through this blog.. brace yourselves.

The reason I have not been here in so long is because I have been through a metamorphosis in the past 18 months.  All my readers will know that I have been struggling with demons for over a year.. a few of them.  And while some of them are still with me, and probably always will be, I have laid one to rest.

The demon that I have laid to rest is my sexuality.  My whole life I have lived as a straight woman, while all the while being aware that I have an interest in woman....  It is no longer just an interest.  That's right people.. I am gay.  GAY... completely homosexually oriented.  I know, rather a shock right?  It has been rather a shock for me too (not to mention for my family and friends), but the truth is, when I look back, the signs were always there.. I just wasn't paying attention.

So where I stand now is that Adam and I are divorcing.  This has been such a devastating year for both of us, but the way he has handled it has proven to me over and over again that I chose him as my husband for very obvious reasons.  His maturity, love, compassion and above-all his never-ending defence of me to people who were less than accepting has earned my eternal gratitude and respect.  He is the father of my children, the person I have spent all of my adult life with, and the man I will love until the day I die.

Having said that... I can no longer deny who I am .. nor do I want to.  On top of that, Adam deserves so much better than I can now offer him.  We will always be in each others lives - not only for the boys, but because he is incredibly important to me and I want to walk the rest of my life with him at my side.

I have lost more friends and family than I originally thought I would.. And yet, the people who have stayed at my side, as well as people I did not expect support from, added to the new friends I have made, are providing me with a support system that carries me through the dark days.

There is much I need to tell you.. but this is enough for one day...

I am back.. and I am dying to write about so many things.. I hope that you will continue to walk my path with me.

Anolther vicious criminal brought to justice!



Last week a South African man was convicted of assault - now this in itself is not very unusual I hear you say, and you would be correct.  What makes this story so unusual is that Daryl Peense assaulted our President, Jacob Zuma.

Daryl assaulted The President in a vicious, premeditated and most unsettling manner... Please note that the assault I am about to describe is particularly vicious - if you are a sensitive or underage reader, please be aware that the following may upset you.. you have been warned...  The vicious and bloodthirsty assault that Daryl subjected our President to was to accidentally spill his drink near The President!!!  I know dear reader, I am as shocked and outraged by Daryl's psychotic and heinous behaviour as you.  I am astounded that someone of Daryl's level of mental illness has managed to fly under the radar and function in a "normal" society for as long as he has!

All sarcasm aside...

This is the first time I have felt compelled to blog in months!  This story has me absolutely flabbergasted!  Daryl is quoted as saying that yes, he was drunk (who isn't at the races?)  and as Zuma walked by, people were pushing and shoving to get a look at the President.  Daryl was bumped, and accidentally spilt a slight amount of the drink near Zuma.

Has the world completely lost the plot???  How can a person be convicted of assault for spilling a drink near another person?  I mean really.. that would mean that most of us would be able to lay a charge of assault against dozens of people.  It is absolutely ridiculous! 

Or perhaps it comes down to the fact the Zuma is better than the rest of us?  Perhaps it is acceptable to spill your drink near a commoner, but it is considered assault if you spill it near The President?  Having said that, is The President not a public servant?  Was he not elected by the people to run our country according to the wishes of the people?  Then again, he must be above the rest of us, given that he is a card carrying member of the ANC.. and my long suffering readers know what that means!  (For those of you who don't know, please click here.)

Our courts are swamped with cases waiting to be heard... real cases... like rape, murder and abuse, and yet it is acceptable to waste the courts time with a case like Daryl's.  It makes me sick to my stomach.. Every day I lose a little more faith...

Leaves me speechless

It is this kind of thinking that will keep my country on its knees... Makes my heart very sore...

Bad complete, ugly complete and now for the good...

So the last two (thoughts) posts were about my bad points.. I thought perhaps it was time to focus on something good..

So I took this test on Strengthfinder.com, which is designed to find your strengths.. and it spews out your top 5 in order of intensity.. I have to say that I do see myself here.. and it is nice to look at something good for a change..

Also.. I saw DrKakka today... and we spoke about a sensitive topic.. and then he said something that clicked in my head.. I literally heard my brain changing.. so watch this space.. I will blog it tomorrow..

Empathy

You can sense the emotions of those around you. You can feel what they are feeling as though their feelings are your own. Intuitively, you are able to see the world through their eyes and share their perspective. You do not necessarily agree with each person’s perspective. You do not necessarily feel pity for each person’s predicament—this would be sympathy, not Empathy. You do not necessarily condone the choices each person makes, but you do understand. This instinctive ability to understand is powerful. You hear the unvoiced questions. You anticipate the need. Where others grapple for words, you seem to find the right words and the right tone. You help people find the right phrases to express their feelings—to themselves as well as to others. You help them give voice to their emotional life. For all these reasons other people are drawn to you.

Activator

“When can we start?” This is a recurring question in your life. You are impatient for action. You may concede that analysis has its uses or that debate and discussion can occasionally yield some valuable insights, but deep down you know that only action is real. Only action can make things happen. Only action leads to performance. Once a decision is made, you cannot not act. Others may worry that “there are still some things we don’t know,” but this doesn’t seem to slow you. If the decision has been made to go across town, you know that the fastest way to get there is to go stoplight to stoplight. You are not going to sit around waiting until all the lights have turned green. Besides, in your view, action and thinking are not opposites. In fact, guided by your Activator theme, you believe that action is the best device for learning. You make a decision, you take action, you look at the result, and you learn. This learning informs your next action and your next. How can you grow if you have nothing to react to? Well, you believe you can’t. You must put yourself out there. You must take the next step. It is the only way to keep your thinking fresh and informed. The bottom line is this: You know you will be judged not by what you say, not by what you think, but by what you get done. This does not frighten you. It pleases you.

Command

Command leads you to take charge. Unlike some people, you feel no discomfort with imposing your views on others. On the contrary, once your opinion is formed, you need to share it with others. Once your goal is set, you feel restless until you have aligned others with you. You are not frightened by confrontation; rather, you know that confrontation is the first step toward resolution. Whereas others may avoid facing up to life’s unpleasantness, you feel compelled to present the facts or the truth, no matter how unpleasant it may be. You need things to be clear between people and challenge them to be clear-eyed and honest. You push them to take risks. You may even intimidate them. And while some may resent this, labeling you opinionated, they often willingly hand you the reins. People are drawn toward those who take a stance and ask them to move in a certain direction. Therefore, people will be drawn to you. You have presence. You have Command.

Communication

You like to explain, to describe, to host, to speak in public, and to write. This is your Communication theme at work. Ideas are a dry beginning. Events are static. You feel a need to bring them to life, to energize them, to make them exciting and vivid. And so you turn events into stories and practice telling them. You take the dry idea and enliven it with images and examples and metaphors. You believe that most people have a very short attention span. They are bombarded by information, but very little of it survives. You want your information—whether an idea, an event, a product’s features and benefits, a discovery, or a lesson—to survive. You want to divert their attention toward you and then capture it, lock it in. This is what drives your hunt for the perfect phrase. This is what draws you toward dramatic words and powerful word combinations. This is why people like to listen to you. Your word pictures pique their interest, sharpen their world, and inspire them to act.

Deliberative

You are careful. You are vigilant. You are a private person. You know that the world is an unpredictable place. Everything may seem in order, but beneath the surface you sense the many risks. Rather than denying these risks, you draw each one out into the open. Then each risk can be identified, assessed, and ultimately reduced. Thus, you are a fairly serious person who approaches life with a certain reserve. For example, you like to plan ahead so as to anticipate what might go wrong. You select your friends cautiously and keep your own counsel when the conversation turns to personal matters. You are careful not to give too much praise and recognition, lest it be misconstrued. If some people don’t like you because you are not as effusive as others, then so be it. For you, life is not a popularity contest. Life is something of a minefield. Others can run through it recklessly if they so choose, but you take a different approach. You identify the dangers, weigh their relative impact, and then place your feet deliberately. You walk with care.