Nature vs Nurture

I know I have briefly visited this topic before, but today (for the past week) it is haunting me again...

How much of who I am is part of my genetic make-up, and how much is based on how I was raised? I am not sure... I wish I knew... at least it would answer some questions for me.

As some of you know, I have not had the best relationship with my biological father. In fact, I would go so far as to say that we have a truly terrible relationship. The details of this relationship are not necessary, but I have spent the past 20 years trying to find peace with it in my mind. I have endured endless hours of therapy (read torture) in trying to overcome some of the baggage I carry with me from my early years. Not only have I tried therapy (aka torture), but I have been subjected to many different forms of it. I have been hypnotised, cleansed, read, reiki, spiritual healing, spirit guide connection, given enough drugs to kill a small country as well as being subjected to the stereotypical therapist who sits with his notepad on his lap and sucks his pen whilst looking at me over the rim of his little glasses.

Now before I go further, do not get me wrong, I believe that there are people out there who are truly helped by therapy, I also believe that some of these therapists do amazing work. However, this was not the case for me. Perhaps it is my block to therapy, but I have never been able to understand how someone who has never experienced the issues that brought me to therapy believes that something he/she learnt in a text book is going to help me... but I digress and therapists are a topic I will revisit one day..

So.. back to today's topic...

My whole life I have run from my childhood.. sometimes more successfully than others.. Sometimes my past seems so far away.. far enough away that it cannot touch me. And yet at other times it seems really close..like it determines daily who I am..

So my question when it comes to all of this nature vs nurture thing is could it determine how I treat my relationships in my adult life? I seem to fall into a never-ending cycle with all of my friends.. and its frustrating.. Very few people in my world have escaped this vortex with me...Adam seemed to miss the whole thing, and obviously Adam's family members do not apply..Oh and Duck.. Duck missed the insanity too... So what makes these people different to just about everyone else who comes into my world?

What is The Vortex of Kerren you may ask? Well I am so glad you did... When I first bring people into my world (or they bring me into theirs), I seem to have no trouble connecting with them. I often get the feeling that some are drawn in by me - now trust me, I know how arrogant that sounds, but my blog is about honesty with myself if nothing else.. and this is how I see it! I have a way of drawing people towards me. The problem is not drawing them in to me, but rather keeping them there. When people meet me, they often comment to me on how "together" I seem and how confident I appear. However, once I have them in my world, it is almost like I lose all sense of the person who attracted the friend in the first place. I seem to become needy and insecure.. and this is where it all starts to unravel.

Its almost as if the more someone gets to know me, the more I demand from them.. and there are only so many people on this rock who can constantly give at that level and not run out...

The other side of the coin is this...

I get to a point where I have nothing more to give someone... I put so much energy and emotion into my friendships that there comes a point where I just run out of juice... If I feel that someone is not putting in the same amount of energy to the relationship as I am, I will eventually get to the point where I just write them off, turn away, and move on.

Neither of these two scenarios is healthy...

Where is this all coming from I hear you cry... It is simple... During the most recent weekend, I was in contact with my biological father. In fact, I had more contact with him this past weekend than I have had in the past 5 years... It was a very difficult and emotional weekend for me... but during all of this chaos and mayhem, it occurred to me that the only person who can break this cycle is me. I am the only one who holds the power to my future, as well as to my future happiness. Can you feel the "aha" moment??? Once this thought had entered my brain, it became very difficult to silence it or push it to the back of my mind...

I have always preached that I am sincerely against the idea of blaming all ones problems as an adult on your issues of childhood... it drives me crazy... I hate it when I hear things like, "oh its not my fault, I was abused* as a child". These kinds of statements send me into over-drive, because I have always believed that as an adult we decide who we want to be, and it is up to us to become that person - which makes me a hypocrite!

How can I have preached this for so many years, and yet have let my childhood experiences manipulate and influence my relationships as an adult? Now that I understand this, it is my responsibility to change it. I am not a victim... who I am as a person is not a result of being a victim. I am stronger.. tougher.. and smarter than that.. I will intercept this cycle and break the routine.. starting today...

Today is a new day... tomorrow is just a promise.. and if you are part of my world and one of my friends then fasten your safety-belts and away we go!!!

*I do acknowledge that in some extreme cases this may be truth - people are taught how to behave as children, and if they are severely abused it will teach them how to behave in the future. However, I believe that too many people use this as an excuse for their poor behaviour as an adult.