Who is your X?

This will be my third post for the day ... but it is another one of those posts that wont be denied.. it crawls around inside my mind driving me a little more crazy with ever tick-tock of the clock - whispering constantly to my inner self until I finally give-in.. succumb... open my laptop and begin to type.. I know I will find no rest or peace until it is down.. out of my brain and shared with whomever is drawn to it..so here it comes...

Have you noticed how some people uplift you? How they add to your strength and your sense of self worth and peace with the world? They fill you with energy and you feel revitalised after spending time with them? It is a relationship that offers so much..

Then of course there is the other side of the coin - We all have people in our lives who literally suck the life out of us. When you know you are going to spend time with them you always feel a little trepidation - an uneasy sort of feeling way down in the pit of your stomach. After being in their company you feel drained...exhausted... relieved to be leaving and going home. They are takers - it is always about them - they think of nothing other than what is important to them and what they can gain from the relationship. They will suck the joy from your soul and not once ask you if you are okay.. if there is something you would like to talk about.. or something that is important to you? Takers!

Why is this do you suppose? Why do some people leave us feeling good about ourselves while others can make us feel like we have aged 100 years in just a very short space of time? And the real kicker is that it is probably different with other people - what I mean is... Let say X is someone in my life who drains me, but Adam finds X interesting, funny and downright fun. How is it that one person can have such a different effect on Adam and I, when surely we must be similar to be in a happy marriage? This question troubles me - and the truth of it, is that it means that to some people I am uplifting to their soul - and to another I am draining! Whoa.. not a nice thought is it?

Then let me ask you this: Why is it that we keep the takers around? Is it because they are family and you can't walk away? Is it because we feel better about who we are when we judge them? Perhaps.. perhaps it is these things...perhaps if I am honest with myself I will find that I have purely selfish reasons for keeping them in my world... I am not sure..

There is one such taker in my world who I like to believe I keep in my world because I believe I can help this person (lets call him/her X)....I believe that X is not in a very good space right now and really..obviously.. needs a good friend... so I stay.. and I listen to X moan and moan and moan every day... and I offer advice... and I lend an ear... and I let X lean on my shoulder... and I try to not think of my needs in the relationship - and I like to think that I am doing it for the right reasons and I am keeping the moral high-ground.... and that one day... someday... X will say thank you.. and ask if there is anything I need... one day..

Surely this cannot be true though? If I feel this much resentment because you never ask about me... it is always about you... and this resentment is growing, then how can this be a friendship? More importantly, it means surely that I have lost the moral high-ground? Surely it means that I am not a good friend to X?

I don't know..

Truly I don't..

Some days I think I should just cut X from my life

Other days I tell myself to suck it up.. its not about me.. that's not what this relationship is based on.. X needs me.. that is why I am here...


Perhaps one day...

And now it is done..the voice is silent... and I can rest...