I love this... I read it today for the first time and it made me smile !
Sunday, 22 August 2010
Friday, 20 August 2010
Dear Jorga,
It has been exactly, to the hour, 6 years since I learnt of your passing.. I remember the day so clearly, time has not dulled it....
I remember sitting in the Doctor's room with your Daddy next to me.. I remember fear gripping me because I was worried that something was wrong.. I remember Daddy taking my hand and telling me jokes.. making me laugh.. making the time pass.. I remember lying on the bed and watching Dr Baker get out the gel to rub it over my belly... I remember holding my breath as the image of you popped on screen... I remember feeling my world close in around me.. I very clearly remember thinking, "this can't be happening.."
I remember the ice-cold blanket that seemed to cover me... I remember hearing the voices in the background... I remember Dr Baker saying that it's not the end of the world.. that these things happen for a reason.. that there will be other babies.. I remember thinking that only someone who has not had their child die inside their womb could make such a stupid statement...
I remember lying in the hospital bed crying like I would never stop... As they wheeled me into theatre I remember asking God to let me die on the table... I remember wondering what would happen to your body... I remember my last conscious thought being, "They are about to rip my child from my womb".
I remember the weeks that followed... I remember feeling dead inside.. I remember asking God why must my mind still function.. why must I still think... I remember trying to drown everything with alcohol and pills.... I remember waiting until Daddy went out to the shops.. I would stand in the kitchen and watch his car pull out the driveway.. then I would literally lie down on the kitchen floor and sob until I couldn't breathe or until I heard him coming back.. whichever came first..
I remember the pressure to "pull myself together"... I remember going out in public and wishing everyone around me would just go away (a nice way of putting it). I remember learning to hide my pain because the world expected me to get over you in a "regular" amount of time.. I never did.. I still haven't..
Today as I was going about my business I was watching people around me.... watching them go about their day as if 20 August is not the saddest and most devastating date on the calender.. I want the world to stop... I want all the noise and chaos to stop.. and for just one second I want to hear your voice saying "mommy"...
My heart breaks today as it does every year on this day... as it will every year on this day for the rest of my life....You were here so briefly... you were taken far too soon... but you existed... you are real... and I will remember... Mommy will always remember...
I miss you Jorga... I miss you most on days like today... I miss you in the quiet times... and in the times of chaos..I miss you every time I see Erryne.. you would have only been a few months apart.. every time I look at her and see how she is growing, what she is interested in... how sweet she is at this age, I miss you...
Your brothers keep me so busy...and they are the only things that seem to ease the pain and longing for you...I will give them everything I have in this world, and when I take my final breath it will be with a happy heart that it will soon be your time with mommy...
I love you baby girl..
Love
Mommy
xxx
I remember sitting in the Doctor's room with your Daddy next to me.. I remember fear gripping me because I was worried that something was wrong.. I remember Daddy taking my hand and telling me jokes.. making me laugh.. making the time pass.. I remember lying on the bed and watching Dr Baker get out the gel to rub it over my belly... I remember holding my breath as the image of you popped on screen... I remember feeling my world close in around me.. I very clearly remember thinking, "this can't be happening.."
I remember the ice-cold blanket that seemed to cover me... I remember hearing the voices in the background... I remember Dr Baker saying that it's not the end of the world.. that these things happen for a reason.. that there will be other babies.. I remember thinking that only someone who has not had their child die inside their womb could make such a stupid statement...
I remember lying in the hospital bed crying like I would never stop... As they wheeled me into theatre I remember asking God to let me die on the table... I remember wondering what would happen to your body... I remember my last conscious thought being, "They are about to rip my child from my womb".
I remember the weeks that followed... I remember feeling dead inside.. I remember asking God why must my mind still function.. why must I still think... I remember trying to drown everything with alcohol and pills.... I remember waiting until Daddy went out to the shops.. I would stand in the kitchen and watch his car pull out the driveway.. then I would literally lie down on the kitchen floor and sob until I couldn't breathe or until I heard him coming back.. whichever came first..
I remember the pressure to "pull myself together"... I remember going out in public and wishing everyone around me would just go away (a nice way of putting it). I remember learning to hide my pain because the world expected me to get over you in a "regular" amount of time.. I never did.. I still haven't..
Today as I was going about my business I was watching people around me.... watching them go about their day as if 20 August is not the saddest and most devastating date on the calender.. I want the world to stop... I want all the noise and chaos to stop.. and for just one second I want to hear your voice saying "mommy"...
My heart breaks today as it does every year on this day... as it will every year on this day for the rest of my life....You were here so briefly... you were taken far too soon... but you existed... you are real... and I will remember... Mommy will always remember...
I miss you Jorga... I miss you most on days like today... I miss you in the quiet times... and in the times of chaos..I miss you every time I see Erryne.. you would have only been a few months apart.. every time I look at her and see how she is growing, what she is interested in... how sweet she is at this age, I miss you...
Your brothers keep me so busy...and they are the only things that seem to ease the pain and longing for you...I will give them everything I have in this world, and when I take my final breath it will be with a happy heart that it will soon be your time with mommy...
I love you baby girl..
Love
Mommy
xxx
Thursday, 22 July 2010
Would you like me to point out your failings to you?
I don't understand... When did my weight issues become fit for public consumption??? I don't go around discussing your stupidity... or your ugly face.... or the fact that your personality is as exciting as watching the repair man (who is in my kitchen as we speak) fixing my oven.
And yes, to answer your question I am cross... spitting mad is more likely the right expression.
I am just so sick of not being able to talk about anything other than my weight. I know people mean well, but the truth is I am not an idiot..nor am I blind... I promise you that when I look in the mirror, I am quite capable of seeing my love handles...and the tractor tyre I carry around with me daily. It is also fairly simple for me to spot the double chin and saddle bags. However, if I am ever in doubt about the location of any of these accessories, I will be sure to ask you to comment.
But here is the thing... if you have not been in my position, you cannot possibly understand what it is like. I know that you are all just trying to help me, but some comments are just not helpful. In fact, some comments are just plain hurtful. Let me break it down for you...
If I am being honest, I have to say that I know I am obsessed with my weight. It just used to be so simple. When I was younger and I wanted to lose weight I would just stop eating for a week and the weight would drop off. Now I am sure I could stop eating again, but things are different now. I now have a husband who depends on me to keep things running smoothly at home while he brings in the bread every day. I also have two small boys who need me to be strong and healthy so that I can take care of them in a way they deserve. What this means is that I have to eat and take care of myself for all three of my boys - they deserve a wife and mother who is on top form.
Based on the above considerations, I went to see our family doctor two months ago and literally sobbed on his shoulder and begged him to help me. I thank my lucky stars that I have the kind of GP who actually listens. He let me sob and snot around his rooms for a bit and then laid out the plan for me. The first thing was that I needed to get blood work done to see if there was anything strange going on in my system. We discovered that my thyroid is limping along, as well as the fact that my body is not using sugar the way it should. My insulin and glucose are not speaking to each other, which means that any sugar I take in is not being used, but rather being stored. This also explains my constant craving for chocolate - the Doc says that my body is craving sugar for energy, so the minute it stores one amount of sugar it is begging for more. And last, but certainly not least is my metabolism, which he says is apparently in reverse.
I was so thrilled to hear all of this news I wept like a child again... Trust me, I know that sounds insane, but you need to understand the level of desperation I feel over my weight - so hearing that there is actually something going on with my system that is thwarting my efforts to lose the weight was like music to my ears.
So.. here is where we stand today..
I take one pill in the morning to kick-start my thyroid.
I take two pills a day to increase my metabolism and decrease my appetite.
I take another pill 30 minutes before each meal to help my body use the sugar (carbs) as energy rather than storing it.
I only eat low GI breakfasts
I have fruit mid-morning
I usually have home-made soup and a slice of low GI bread for lunch
and then I eat a normal dinner in the evenings, except I swap whatever carbs the boys are having with a portion of brown rice.
I also drink at least 2 litres of water every day
I cycle at least 5 days a week, and burn approximately 300 calories with each workout.
I alternate sprints and length training, but always stay above 35kms per hour and keep my repetitions above 90 repetitions a minute unless I am on warm up or cool down.
My heart-rate averages at 125 - 130 during length training and reaches about 145 during sprints.
So.. now that you have read all of that, if you still think that I am not trying, or that I eat too much, or don't exercise enough, or that I eat the wrong things, then please comment.. go on.. comment!
Edit: Due to so many people asking who I am talking about, I thought I would just clarify that it is not one person, but rather many people. For example, the lady with the red hair who works at the Engen shop on Mercury Street is always finding it necessary to comment on my shape since the birth of the boys...
* I dedicate this blog post to Tracey - we have hardly spoken before, and yet out of the blue there you were when I needed someone to just listen to me rant... not only did you listen, but you said things that both made sense and were worded in a tactful and kind way.. bless you for being such a sweet soul.. I hope one day I can return the favour.
And yes, to answer your question I am cross... spitting mad is more likely the right expression.
I am just so sick of not being able to talk about anything other than my weight. I know people mean well, but the truth is I am not an idiot..nor am I blind... I promise you that when I look in the mirror, I am quite capable of seeing my love handles...and the tractor tyre I carry around with me daily. It is also fairly simple for me to spot the double chin and saddle bags. However, if I am ever in doubt about the location of any of these accessories, I will be sure to ask you to comment.
But here is the thing... if you have not been in my position, you cannot possibly understand what it is like. I know that you are all just trying to help me, but some comments are just not helpful. In fact, some comments are just plain hurtful. Let me break it down for you...
If I am being honest, I have to say that I know I am obsessed with my weight. It just used to be so simple. When I was younger and I wanted to lose weight I would just stop eating for a week and the weight would drop off. Now I am sure I could stop eating again, but things are different now. I now have a husband who depends on me to keep things running smoothly at home while he brings in the bread every day. I also have two small boys who need me to be strong and healthy so that I can take care of them in a way they deserve. What this means is that I have to eat and take care of myself for all three of my boys - they deserve a wife and mother who is on top form.
Based on the above considerations, I went to see our family doctor two months ago and literally sobbed on his shoulder and begged him to help me. I thank my lucky stars that I have the kind of GP who actually listens. He let me sob and snot around his rooms for a bit and then laid out the plan for me. The first thing was that I needed to get blood work done to see if there was anything strange going on in my system. We discovered that my thyroid is limping along, as well as the fact that my body is not using sugar the way it should. My insulin and glucose are not speaking to each other, which means that any sugar I take in is not being used, but rather being stored. This also explains my constant craving for chocolate - the Doc says that my body is craving sugar for energy, so the minute it stores one amount of sugar it is begging for more. And last, but certainly not least is my metabolism, which he says is apparently in reverse.
I was so thrilled to hear all of this news I wept like a child again... Trust me, I know that sounds insane, but you need to understand the level of desperation I feel over my weight - so hearing that there is actually something going on with my system that is thwarting my efforts to lose the weight was like music to my ears.
So.. here is where we stand today..
I take one pill in the morning to kick-start my thyroid.
I take two pills a day to increase my metabolism and decrease my appetite.
I take another pill 30 minutes before each meal to help my body use the sugar (carbs) as energy rather than storing it.
I only eat low GI breakfasts
I have fruit mid-morning
I usually have home-made soup and a slice of low GI bread for lunch
and then I eat a normal dinner in the evenings, except I swap whatever carbs the boys are having with a portion of brown rice.
I also drink at least 2 litres of water every day
I cycle at least 5 days a week, and burn approximately 300 calories with each workout.
I alternate sprints and length training, but always stay above 35kms per hour and keep my repetitions above 90 repetitions a minute unless I am on warm up or cool down.
My heart-rate averages at 125 - 130 during length training and reaches about 145 during sprints.
So.. now that you have read all of that, if you still think that I am not trying, or that I eat too much, or don't exercise enough, or that I eat the wrong things, then please comment.. go on.. comment!
Edit: Due to so many people asking who I am talking about, I thought I would just clarify that it is not one person, but rather many people. For example, the lady with the red hair who works at the Engen shop on Mercury Street is always finding it necessary to comment on my shape since the birth of the boys...
* I dedicate this blog post to Tracey - we have hardly spoken before, and yet out of the blue there you were when I needed someone to just listen to me rant... not only did you listen, but you said things that both made sense and were worded in a tactful and kind way.. bless you for being such a sweet soul.. I hope one day I can return the favour.
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