Kiwi's song of the Day...

It Is What It Is...

More and more I am learning what a complete control freak I am... don't get me wrong, I have always been aware of the fact that I am a bit controlling.. and demanding... and perhaps a little anal on certain matters (the first step is admitting you have a problem)!

I have been dealing with a few things in the past week. Firstly, I am seeing someone new.. (please hold while I take deep breaths into a brown paper bag).

You have to understand that this is a terrifying prospect for me - I am brought to my knees by all the things that go along with the prospect of a new relationship.  I have been so secure for the past 12 years - so convinced of the love I was receiving, that being in a place of uncertainty is proving rather taxing for me.  The constant need for balance between heart and head is exhausting.

Knowing who I am as a person, some of you probably know how much weight I place on listening to my instincts - my instincts have served me pretty well in the past - and when they fail me, Adam and Zel were always there to provide a safety net and help me through.  Times have changed though, Adam has moved out and Zel walked away.  To be honest, we kind of walked away from each other, but the deep places inside me that still feel her leaving find it easier to think that she walked away from me.  So, for the first time in 12 years I find myself truly on my own - and this fills me with the most crippling fear you can imagine.  At the same time however, it fills me with incredible excitement - who knows what the future holds???

I apologise... I digress...

Lets call her Kiwi...

Kiwi entered my life like a tropical storm.  The attraction (from my side) was instantaneous and undeniable.  We were both tied up elsewhere however, and we remained just friends.  Very recently this friendship has developed into more than just friends...

Now this is where my head and heart are in turmoil... so I will give you both..

My heart adores her.. She is like nothing I have ever known before.  I was warned against her... told to stay away from her... told she is trouble.. she will break my heart.. But she has never shown me any of these things.  Kiwi says all the right things... She tells me what my heart wants to hear... There are times when we are together that I feel so completely in tune with her it is frightening... Kiwi treats me like nobody else exists.. most of the time..

Then there is my head, or my instinct... call it what you will..

My instinct tells me over and over again that something is amiss.. That all is not as it should be.  If you ask me to pinpoint what my instincts are telling me I cannot... It is merely just a feeling at this point.  Sometimes she seems so far from me.. Like either her mind is completely in another place, or that she is not happy with me.. Something is troubling her.  Perhaps I am not who she thought I was... Perhaps she is learning I am not what she wants... I don't know.. All I know is it is making me crazy.. And when I talk to her about it she tells me I am imagining things.. that nothing is wrong... That there is nothing she is not telling me.. But still the voices speak on in my head.. telling me "caution"...

This has been making me crazy for a few days now... So today I spoke to Adam about it... he is the only voice of reason I have who I know without a doubt has my best interests at heart..   And Adam said something that has really struck a chord with me... He said, "It is what it is"!

And I think perhaps I need to trust in this.. Who knows, perhaps something is bugging her.. perhaps she is not as happy with me as I am with her... Either way, she is not opening up to me.. Perhaps I am just used to being around people who find it easy to express themselves... Perhaps she just needs time... I don't know..

So it is what it is... One day at a time.. me fretting about it will not help this situation.. all will be revealed when it is meant to be... So for now...

I have to try to let go of all my controlling ways...

It is what it is...

Aint Life Grand?

 This is Grumpy.. and boy is Grumpy grumpy.. Having said that, Grumpy is someone in my world who is delivering a great many smiles and happy thoughts into my day to day life...  Not to mention shorts, t-shirts, socks, Bloody Mary's in vast quantities... and a healthy splotching of chaos, insanity and evil bitchiness (or is that butchiness?) all rolled into a very happy friendship.

 This is Happy... and, believe it or not, I am known as Happy to Grumpy..  I know some of you may not believe this given the very dark posts you have seen from me in the past two years - but I think Grumpy may be on to something...


There are definite areas of my life where I am enjoying the emotion "happy"  Now that may not sound all that thrilling to you, however, if you take into account the fact that some of these happy places were absolute places of horror for me a year ago, you will see how MONUMENTAL this actually is!


The most noticeable of course is my admitting to myself, as well as the world, that I am gay.  It remains a topic that is able to astound me on the odd occasion.  Having said that, it is a topic that brings me great joy and peace.. I finally feel comfortable in my own skin.. It is amazing...


The second one is the fact that I am beginning to like who I am.. If you know me pretty well, you will know that this is such a giant leap into the unknown for me.  I have been putting extensive effort into upping my EQ.  It is proving to be a worthy opponent - There are huge terrifying challenges that I am taking one at a time... And I have to say, so far so good!  I do not always get it right, but I am definitely on the right path... 


I know that my new outlook and behaviour is proving trying and testing for some of the people in my world.. I have caused hurt, anger and shock in a number of encounters in the past 6 weeks (or there abouts)... but I could not, in all good conscience, continue to hide from other truths in my life that required a voice.


I need to express my sincere apologies to those I have offended in the recent past.  Please try to understand that the things I have said, I have said so as to be able to speak my truth and hold my head high in that knowledge.




And to those people who stand beside me on this path and offer support when I stumble, I once again want to thank you - your contribution to my well-being is greatly appreciated..




There are areas of my life which still require attention, but I am experiencing so much happiness in the areas I have worked hard in, that I feel motivated to continue on this path of truth and peace...


Watch this space...

Can anyone see what Grumpy keeps close to the front door of the home?