Ramblings of my life

Dating: Men vs Women Part 2

2012-02-16T15:06:00.000+02:00

This is the follow up to this post...

Before I begin, let me just say that Part 1 caused quite a stir with some of the LESBIANS in my world. What I find interesting, is that none of them posted comments on the blog, but rather spoke to me in private. And a couple of them were rather vocal about my opinions - so listen up Lesbo's: The opinions voiced in this blog are simply that... opinions... they are my opinions based on my (grantedly small) experience of the LESBIAN world.

Secondly, you will have noticed that each time I type the word LESBIAN, it is in pink.. and in caps... and this is because I have also taken flack from all the GSL's for using the word LESBIAN. Apparently it is very uncool to use the word LESBIAN... I should be saying gay woman... My response to this is.. blah blah blah.. get over yourselves... I am a LESBIAN.. you are a LESBIAN... own it biatch!

Right... moving swiftly along...

Another of the major differences between dating men vs dating women is the drama - OMG the drama!

Men are rather simple folk really - there are only a couple of things you need to do to keep them happy. Men want the 3 F's: Feed, F*{^K and Focus (on them) - if you keep these three things in a positive space, men are generally happy.

Women are completely different... they need the whole alphabet... Don't believe me? Watch this:
A - Accept
B - Back up
C - Compassion
D - Dazzle
E - Eager Beaver
F - Facilitate (the Eager Beaver)
G - Gimme
H - Honesty
I - Independence
J - Jealousy
K - Karma
L - LESBIAN
M - Mammary
N - Negotiate
O - Orgasm
P - Pick up
Q - Quagmire
R - Respect
S - Sensual
T - Tits
U - Ubiquitous
V - Vagina
W - Waxed
X - X - Rated
Y - Yummy
Z - Zonked

With women there are so many things you have to take into consideration... things that really don't matter to men. For example if you don't say good morning to your boyfriend every day, it is not seen as a big deal.. With women all hell breaks loose if you don't say good morning or goodnight to them - they will assume that there is something fundamentally wrong with the relationship... or you are cheating.

If you have an argument, even over the smallest little thing, men really don't care. They fight, they yell, they have their say and then they move on. With women it is the end of the world as we know it! There is either something fundamentally wrong with the relationship... or you are cheating.

If you do not orgasm during sex with a man, his ego will be bruised very briefly, until he convinces himself that there must be something wrong with you as his Perfect Penis is a masterpiece. With women, there is either something fundamentally wrong with the relationship, or you are cheating.

If you go out for drinks with the girls, your boyfriend will probably be happy that he gets a night off from entertaining you. With women, if you take a night off from seeing her and go out with the girls, there is either something fundamentally wrong with the relationship... or you are cheating.

If you don't pick up the phone every time they call - there is something fundamentally wrong with the relationship... or you are cheating.

If you change your hair drastically - there is something fundamentally wrong with the relationship, or you are cheating...

Are you getting the idea?

The point is nothing is simple when dating a woman. Everything must be analysed, reanalysed and over thunk enough to make even Einsteins head spin..

And now my head is spinning... Part 3 another day.

Gotye - Somebody That I Used to Know

2012-02-13T06:55:00.000+02:00

Firstly, I apologise for the sizing issue - I normally resize them for the blog, but am unable to do so with this one - perhaps tomorrow morning when the sun is up I will be able to figure it out lol.

Secondly, I am amazed at all the airtime this song is currently receiving in South Africa. An Aussie friend of mine introduced me to this song well over six months ago, but whenever I spoke about it to anyone, they had never heard of it and looked at me like I am crazy.. Now everyone is playing it..

I have known the words from start to finish for a while now.. this song resonates with me stupidly..

Dating men vs Dating women Part 1

2012-02-11T09:20:00.000+02:00

The confusion of dating men is nothing when compared with the insanity of dating women. For the first time in my life I feel like I should get in touch with all my ex-boyfriends and apologise for all the emotional chaos that swirls around dating a woman.

For starters, when you are dating men, the roles are always clear – and men have no problem with this. Yes, there are exceptions and everyone is different, but as a general rule the roles are clear. There are clearly male functions and clearly female functions…

Dating women is a whole new ballgame… and there are many different dimensions and layers... It is a minefield that must be negotiated with every new relationship.

For example:

If a woman (in the gay world) is very butch, she will typically take on the same role as a male – she will open your car door for you, let you walk through the door first, order your drinks at the bar, pay for dinner or stand up when you walk in or out of a room. And generally butch women have the best manners out of everyone.

On the other hand, if you are dating a femme woman, she will want you to perform some of these common courtesies – the problem for someone like me is that I am generally femme; I was raised in the straight world, which means that it does not occur to me to open someone’s car door, or pull out her chair at dinner… this can lead to possible complications over who does what.

It becomes really complicated when dating a frutch (this is a woman who has some femme tendencies, but generally is considered butch by the straight world). This is a vortex of chaos waiting to happen… Unless of course you are a Gold Star Lesbian (GSL). A GSL has been in the gay world for so long that it never occurs to her that her intricate and complicated system of roles and who does what is anything other than completely natural.

Over and above that, many gay women are completely against the idea of roles – they balk at the mere idea of anyone having roles based purely on their gender or sexuality. So for someone like me who was raised in a world where (most of the time) there are quite clearly roles for the different genders, it can be extremely difficult to not offend anyone.

And on top of all that, you have the fact that, even though many won’t admit it in public, many butch women like to be with femme women who were raised in the straight world – this is because we are domesticated… completely domesticated. Not only that, but femme girls who were raised in the straight world do not generally take offence at being expected to be a wife. Whereas many GSL’s go a little crazy with offence at any mention of roles or domesticity or who does what…

I think that’s enough for one day..lol.. my head is already spinning with all the different dimensions I am currently processing… Part Two to follow…

Inbetween

2012-02-10T00:01:00.002+02:00

The disappointment is less that is for sure…

I am learning to live with less

To expect less

To need less

Can you feel the change?

Where once I was spoilt for choice

Now I go without

There are days when there is nothing

Nothing but the functionary response expected

It has already begun

The lack of emotion remains unnoticed

The monotone overlooked

I respond and it is accepted

Much like Pavlov’s dog

I dreaded the start

One brick at a time

One breath at a time

Closing it in

Building it strong

Yet now I long for the completion

As it grows I become stronger

The naysayer insists there will be a price

They cannot possibly know that I owe nothing

My toll paid in full many moons ago

Has it occurred to you yet?

Ramblings of a busy mind

2012-02-07T13:36:00.002+02:00

Today I sit and write with no idea what is coming… It is the first time in forever that the need to write is overpowering.. and yet I have no idea what I will type.

Sometimes there is a specific topic that I need to write about.. you have seen me write a few times by beginning the post saying that the words of the post were going round and round in my head.. they were demanding voice, demanding an audience.. and those blog posts I love to write..

But..

This is my favourite way to write… The urge to write is strong.. I need to get some things out of me.. I have to write.. and yet I have no idea what is coming.. Where will the post go? Not even I know..
I do know that SHE is on my mind a lot at the moment. I know this is because her date is coming up soon. One of the two dates on the calendar that fill me with such emotion I am never quite sure what I am feeling.. It has been 7 years.. How can so much time have moved on since you left? Are you still watching down on me? Do you see into my soul the way nobody else can? Do you look at me through the eyes of a child, or through the eyes of an old soul? Do you see into our past? Do you carry all the connections that we have experienced through lifetimes?

I carry you with me in this moment as I have down countless ones before. But today it hurts..

I sit in my study and look out the door to the falling rain.. I look passed Adam’s desk. A desk that is now empty… The only proof that it once was occupied is the cactus that no longer flourishes and the bolts on the wall where a monitor was once fastened..

The rain continues to fall .. relentless in its downward fall…

YOU too are on my mind. It has been almost 3 years since your passing.. and I still think of you more often than I think you would have believed. I ponder where our friendship would be now had you lived. I wonder if your soul is now at peace with HER and your SON. I wonder if it was your sudden passing that has made it so difficult for my mind, my soul, to let you go. You were ripped out of our lives so violently that the shock is still with me. I hope your soul is at peace my friend.

Bringing conscious thoughts of YOU to mind always leads me back to the FIRST. Ten years have gone by since you took your own life. Do you regret ending it all? When in truth all you ended was your earthly suffering. Your death began mine. Have you heard the thoughts I have sent you over the years? Do you know that I still regret not trying harder when I could see you were suffering? You were my first real shock with death.. Your death shook me then as it still does now… I hope your soul is at peace my friend.

I cast my mind way back into the past to hold on to a happy thought… I am just a little girl, playing in my grandparents’ garden. It is a beautiful sunny day. I am on the swing in the tree just outside the kitchen door. I can smell the scent of the berries – It is a scent I have long been searching for. Every time I see a tree that could be the same as the one in your garden I crush a berry and take a deep breath of the scent released… I have yet to find it, but I would know it anywhere.

Max is lying in the sun and Candy is lying on the kitchen floor out of the heat. My Grandfather is cleaning the pool, and my grandmother is whipping up something yummy in the kitchen. I can hear the sound of summer... In this moment have no inclincing of the twists and turns that await me in the future... I hold this memory with me now as I travel through these emotions…

Now we both know where this post went…

Just Breathe

2012-01-30T08:28:00.000+02:00

Lonely

2012-01-29T12:20:00.000+02:00

It has been 12 years since I have lived alone - It's a third of my life.

I have never understood how people can say that they are lonely - especially women who are just coming out of divorce. I have always thought stop being so ridiculous, there are plenty of places to meet people and to increase your circle of friends - you just have to get out there and make an effort - now that I am in the same situation, I understand how difficult it really is.

It is not that I don't have friends, or people to spend the day with, it's just that the loneliness is present even when I am surrounded by people. It is something that sits deep inside me and is continuously there - even when I have family or friends right in front of me.

There is a hole inside me that seems to be growing...

There is still no doubt in my mind that I have chosen the right path for me, and yet this feeling of disappearing, of not really being alive is gnawing away at my soul. I have met some truly amazing people in the past couple of weeks - people who I know if I gave them a call now and said, "lets do something today", most of them would make the effort to spend time with me - and yet the emptiness still grows.

It is becoming a bit of a vicious circle - the more the emptiness grows, the less I want to go out and be around people. And the less I go out and be around people the more the emptiness grows. It is growing at such an alarming rate right now that I am beginning to wonder if I am not suffering with a bit of depression?

This thought seems absolutely ridiculous and plausible at the same time. It seems ridiculous because I am in a space in my life where I have never been happier with who I am and the choices I have made, and yet it seems plausible because I am finding it more and more difficult to get out of bed in the mornings. Every night when I go to bed I tell myself that tomorrow will be different.. tomorrow I am going to do something fun with the boys, or invite friends round, or take the boys to visit family. And yet every morning when the sun rises all I really want to do is stay in bed and watch the day pass through my window.

Some days when the boys are not here, I just lay on the bed for hours and stare out the window... Literally hours can pass without me realising that time is moving on...

I know that it will take time.. and I know I need to take it one day at a time... but there are old friendships that I miss very much right now.. there is something about old friendships that is very comforting at times like this...

Having said that, there are a couple of friends (some very new) who are a constant source of positive energy and light to me right now.. Debbi, Les, Tray, Lynn, Trace, Cat, and especially Blom... You guys are worth more to me than you know.. thank you for always looking out for me

Music Monday

2012-01-23T15:43:00.002+02:00

Kiwi's song of the Day...

2012-01-09T11:50:00.000+02:00

It Is What It Is...

2012-01-08T21:45:00.000+02:00

More and more I am learning what a complete control freak I am... don't get me wrong, I have always been aware of the fact that I am a bit controlling.. and demanding... and perhaps a little anal on certain matters (the first step is admitting you have a problem)!

I have been dealing with a few things in the past week. Firstly, I am seeing someone new.. (please hold while I take deep breaths into a brown paper bag).

You have to understand that this is a terrifying prospect for me - I am brought to my knees by all the things that go along with the prospect of a new relationship. I have been so secure for the past 12 years - so convinced of the love I was receiving, that being in a place of uncertainty is proving rather taxing for me. The constant need for balance between heart and head is exhausting.

Knowing who I am as a person, some of you probably know how much weight I place on listening to my instincts - my instincts have served me pretty well in the past - and when they fail me, Adam and Zel were always there to provide a safety net and help me through. Times have changed though, Adam has moved out and Zel walked away. To be honest, we kind of walked away from each other, but the deep places inside me that still feel her leaving find it easier to think that she walked away from me. So, for the first time in 12 years I find myself truly on my own - and this fills me with the most crippling fear you can imagine. At the same time however, it fills me with incredible excitement - who knows what the future holds???

I apologise... I digress...

Lets call her Kiwi...

Kiwi entered my life like a tropical storm. The attraction (from my side) was instantaneous and undeniable. We were both tied up elsewhere however, and we remained just friends. Very recently this friendship has developed into more than just friends...

Now this is where my head and heart are in turmoil... so I will give you both..

My heart adores her.. She is like nothing I have ever known before. I was warned against her... told to stay away from her... told she is trouble.. she will break my heart.. But she has never shown me any of these things. Kiwi says all the right things... She tells me what my heart wants to hear... There are times when we are together that I feel so completely in tune with her it is frightening... Kiwi treats me like nobody else exists.. most of the time..

Then there is my head, or my instinct... call it what you will..

My instinct tells me over and over again that something is amiss.. That all is not as it should be. If you ask me to pinpoint what my instincts are telling me I cannot... It is merely just a feeling at this point. Sometimes she seems so far from me.. Like either her mind is completely in another place, or that she is not happy with me.. Something is troubling her. Perhaps I am not who she thought I was... Perhaps she is learning I am not what she wants... I don't know.. All I know is it is making me crazy.. And when I talk to her about it she tells me I am imagining things.. that nothing is wrong... That there is nothing she is not telling me.. But still the voices speak on in my head.. telling me "caution"...

This has been making me crazy for a few days now... So today I spoke to Adam about it... he is the only voice of reason I have who I know without a doubt has my best interests at heart.. And Adam said something that has really struck a chord with me... He said, "It is what it is"!

And I think perhaps I need to trust in this.. Who knows, perhaps something is bugging her.. perhaps she is not as happy with me as I am with her... Either way, she is not opening up to me.. Perhaps I am just used to being around people who find it easy to express themselves... Perhaps she just needs time... I don't know..

So it is what it is... One day at a time.. me fretting about it will not help this situation.. all will be revealed when it is meant to be... So for now...

I have to try to let go of all my controlling ways...

It is what it is...

Aint Life Grand?

2011-12-24T23:56:00.001+02:00

This is Grumpy.. and boy is Grumpy grumpy.. Having said that, Grumpy is someone in my world who is delivering a great many smiles and happy thoughts into my day to day life... Not to mention shorts, t-shirts, socks, Bloody Mary's in vast quantities... and a healthy splotching of chaos, insanity and evil bitchiness (or is that butchiness?) all rolled into a very happy friendship.

This is Happy... and, believe it or not, I am known as Happy to Grumpy.. I know some of you may not believe this given the very dark posts you have seen from me in the past two years - but I think Grumpy may be on to something...

There are definite areas of my life where I am enjoying the emotion "happy" Now that may not sound all that thrilling to you, however, if you take into account the fact that some of these happy places were absolute places of horror for me a year ago, you will see how MONUMENTAL this actually is!

The most noticeable of course is my admitting to myself, as well as the world, that I am gay. It remains a topic that is able to astound me on the odd occasion. Having said that, it is a topic that brings me great joy and peace.. I finally feel comfortable in my own skin.. It is amazing...

The second one is the fact that I am beginning to like who I am.. If you know me pretty well, you will know that this is such a giant leap into the unknown for me. I have been putting extensive effort into upping my EQ. It is proving to be a worthy opponent - There are huge terrifying challenges that I am taking one at a time... And I have to say, so far so good! I do not always get it right, but I am definitely on the right path...

I know that my new outlook and behaviour is proving trying and testing for some of the people in my world.. I have caused hurt, anger and shock in a number of encounters in the past 6 weeks (or there abouts)... but I could not, in all good conscience, continue to hide from other truths in my life that required a voice.

I need to express my sincere apologies to those I have offended in the recent past. Please try to understand that the things I have said, I have said so as to be able to speak my truth and hold my head high in that knowledge.

And to those people who stand beside me on this path and offer support when I stumble, I once again want to thank you - your contribution to my well-being is greatly appreciated..

There are areas of my life which still require attention, but I am experiencing so much happiness in the areas I have worked hard in, that I feel motivated to continue on this path of truth and peace...

Watch this space...

Can anyone see what Grumpy keeps close to the front door of the home?

Reflection results in clarity

2011-12-14T23:20:00.000+02:00

( Sodahead )

Sometimes I wonder if we ever learn certain lessons...

Take my Husky for example, she is 7 years old, she is obedience trained, she is far calmer these days than when she was a puppy. Yet still she is unable to grasp the concept that if she charges through the house and launches herself onto my bed - no matter how gorgeous she is -I will not let her sleep there! Having a Jack Russel sleeping on the bed is one thing, but having a full grown husky sleeping on the bed is no joke! She takes over the whole bed and it annoys me.

Tonight I feel sort of how she must feel after she has once again been banished from my room.. Kind of like: Arggggghhh, will I ever get it right?"

I keep making the same error in one aspect of my life.

I maintain the same course of action every time I am in this situation. Nine times out of ten, the result is not in my favour. So you would think that perhaps with these kinds of odds against me, I would attempt a new course upon entering the ring for the following round... but no.. Not I!!!

Isn't something missing?

Perhaps I should finally lay down new rules of engagement for this particular test in my time here on this rock?

Excellent idea Kerren :)

Right.. Rules of Engagement:

1. Start how you mean to finish.

2. Engage both head and heart

3. Remember that growth is the goal

4. Remember that truth is the ultimate communication

5. At all times remain open - do not build walls

6. However, pay attention when your instincts warn caution

7. Live without regret

How long until my soul gets it right?

Let it be this time...

How I feel tonight

2011-12-13T22:22:00.002+02:00

Times.. they are a changing...

2011-12-12T16:02:00.000+02:00

Ok people.. I know it has been forever since I have written.. there is a very good reason for this. Some of you who are involved in my personal world will already know what I am about to say. For those who know me only through this blog.. brace yourselves.

The reason I have not been here in so long is because I have been through a metamorphosis in the past 18 months. All my readers will know that I have been struggling with demons for over a year.. a few of them. And while some of them are still with me, and probably always will be, I have laid one to rest.

The demon that I have laid to rest is my sexuality. My whole life I have lived as a straight woman, while all the while being aware that I have an interest in woman.... It is no longer just an interest. That's right people.. I am gay. GAY... completely homosexually oriented. I know, rather a shock right? It has been rather a shock for me too (not to mention for my family and friends), but the truth is, when I look back, the signs were always there.. I just wasn't paying attention.

So where I stand now is that Adam and I are divorcing. This has been such a devastating year for both of us, but the way he has handled it has proven to me over and over again that I chose him as my husband for very obvious reasons. His maturity, love, compassion and above-all his never-ending defence of me to people who were less than accepting has earned my eternal gratitude and respect. He is the father of my children, the person I have spent all of my adult life with, and the man I will love until the day I die.

Having said that... I can no longer deny who I am .. nor do I want to. On top of that, Adam deserves so much better than I can now offer him. We will always be in each others lives - not only for the boys, but because he is incredibly important to me and I want to walk the rest of my life with him at my side.

I have lost more friends and family than I originally thought I would.. And yet, the people who have stayed at my side, as well as people I did not expect support from, added to the new friends I have made, are providing me with a support system that carries me through the dark days.

There is much I need to tell you.. but this is enough for one day...

I am back.. and I am dying to write about so many things.. I hope that you will continue to walk my path with me.

Shake your money-maker old girl!

2011-08-08T09:57:00.000+02:00

Anolther vicious criminal brought to justice!

2011-08-04T16:02:00.000+02:00

Last week a South African man was convicted of assault - now this in itself is not very unusual I hear you say, and you would be correct. What makes this story so unusual is that Daryl Peense assaulted our President, Jacob Zuma.

Daryl assaulted The President in a vicious, premeditated and most unsettling manner... Please note that the assault I am about to describe is particularly vicious - if you are a sensitive or underage reader, please be aware that the following may upset you.. you have been warned... The vicious and bloodthirsty assault that Daryl subjected our President to was to accidentally spill his drink near The President!!! I know dear reader, I am as shocked and outraged by Daryl's psychotic and heinous behaviour as you. I am astounded that someone of Daryl's level of mental illness has managed to fly under the radar and function in a "normal" society for as long as he has!

All sarcasm aside...

This is the first time I have felt compelled to blog in months! This story has me absolutely flabbergasted! Daryl is quoted as saying that yes, he was drunk (who isn't at the races?) and as Zuma walked by, people were pushing and shoving to get a look at the President. Daryl was bumped, and accidentally spilt a slight amount of the drink near Zuma.

Has the world completely lost the plot??? How can a person be convicted of assault for spilling a drink near another person? I mean really.. that would mean that most of us would be able to lay a charge of assault against dozens of people. It is absolutely ridiculous!

Or perhaps it comes down to the fact the Zuma is better than the rest of us? Perhaps it is acceptable to spill your drink near a commoner, but it is considered assault if you spill it near The President? Having said that, is The President not a public servant? Was he not elected by the people to run our country according to the wishes of the people? Then again, he must be above the rest of us, given that he is a card carrying member of the ANC.. and my long suffering readers know what that means! (For those of you who don't know, please click here.)

Our courts are swamped with cases waiting to be heard... real cases... like rape, murder and abuse, and yet it is acceptable to waste the courts time with a case like Daryl's. It makes me sick to my stomach.. Every day I lose a little more faith...

Leaves me speechless

2011-04-05T19:46:00.000+02:00

It is this kind of thinking that will keep my country on its knees... Makes my heart very sore...

Adele - Someone Like You

2011-04-04T12:26:00.000+02:00

Beautiful... She is fast becoming one of my favourite artists!

Bad complete, ugly complete and now for the good...

2011-03-29T17:26:00.001+02:00

So the last two (thoughts) posts were about my bad points.. I thought perhaps it was time to focus on something good..

So I took this test on Strengthfinder.com, which is designed to find your strengths.. and it spews out your top 5 in order of intensity.. I have to say that I do see myself here.. and it is nice to look at something good for a change..

Also.. I saw DrKakka today... and we spoke about a sensitive topic.. and then he said something that clicked in my head.. I literally heard my brain changing.. so watch this space.. I will blog it tomorrow..

Empathy

You can sense the emotions of those around you. You can feel what they are feeling as though their feelings are your own. Intuitively, you are able to see the world through their eyes and share their perspective. You do not necessarily agree with each person’s perspective. You do not necessarily feel pity for each person’s predicament—this would be sympathy, not Empathy. You do not necessarily condone the choices each person makes, but you do understand. This instinctive ability to understand is powerful. You hear the unvoiced questions. You anticipate the need. Where others grapple for words, you seem to find the right words and the right tone. You help people find the right phrases to express their feelings—to themselves as well as to others. You help them give voice to their emotional life. For all these reasons other people are drawn to you.

Activator

“When can we start?” This is a recurring question in your life. You are impatient for action. You may concede that analysis has its uses or that debate and discussion can occasionally yield some valuable insights, but deep down you know that only action is real. Only action can make things happen. Only action leads to performance. Once a decision is made, you cannot not act. Others may worry that “there are still some things we don’t know,” but this doesn’t seem to slow you. If the decision has been made to go across town, you know that the fastest way to get there is to go stoplight to stoplight. You are not going to sit around waiting until all the lights have turned green. Besides, in your view, action and thinking are not opposites. In fact, guided by your Activator theme, you believe that action is the best device for learning. You make a decision, you take action, you look at the result, and you learn. This learning informs your next action and your next. How can you grow if you have nothing to react to? Well, you believe you can’t. You must put yourself out there. You must take the next step. It is the only way to keep your thinking fresh and informed. The bottom line is this: You know you will be judged not by what you say, not by what you think, but by what you get done. This does not frighten you. It pleases you.

Command

Command leads you to take charge. Unlike some people, you feel no discomfort with imposing your views on others. On the contrary, once your opinion is formed, you need to share it with others. Once your goal is set, you feel restless until you have aligned others with you. You are not frightened by confrontation; rather, you know that confrontation is the first step toward resolution. Whereas others may avoid facing up to life’s unpleasantness, you feel compelled to present the facts or the truth, no matter how unpleasant it may be. You need things to be clear between people and challenge them to be clear-eyed and honest. You push them to take risks. You may even intimidate them. And while some may resent this, labeling you opinionated, they often willingly hand you the reins. People are drawn toward those who take a stance and ask them to move in a certain direction. Therefore, people will be drawn to you. You have presence. You have Command.

Communication

You like to explain, to describe, to host, to speak in public, and to write. This is your Communication theme at work. Ideas are a dry beginning. Events are static. You feel a need to bring them to life, to energize them, to make them exciting and vivid. And so you turn events into stories and practice telling them. You take the dry idea and enliven it with images and examples and metaphors. You believe that most people have a very short attention span. They are bombarded by information, but very little of it survives. You want your information—whether an idea, an event, a product’s features and benefits, a discovery, or a lesson—to survive. You want to divert their attention toward you and then capture it, lock it in. This is what drives your hunt for the perfect phrase. This is what draws you toward dramatic words and powerful word combinations. This is why people like to listen to you. Your word pictures pique their interest, sharpen their world, and inspire them to act.

Deliberative

You are careful. You are vigilant. You are a private person. You know that the world is an unpredictable place. Everything may seem in order, but beneath the surface you sense the many risks. Rather than denying these risks, you draw each one out into the open. Then each risk can be identified, assessed, and ultimately reduced. Thus, you are a fairly serious person who approaches life with a certain reserve. For example, you like to plan ahead so as to anticipate what might go wrong. You select your friends cautiously and keep your own counsel when the conversation turns to personal matters. You are careful not to give too much praise and recognition, lest it be misconstrued. If some people don’t like you because you are not as effusive as others, then so be it. For you, life is not a popularity contest. Life is something of a minefield. Others can run through it recklessly if they so choose, but you take a different approach. You identify the dangers, weigh their relative impact, and then place your feet deliberately. You walk with care.

Flash Republic - Twister

2011-03-28T08:50:00.000+02:00

I love this song...No matter what mood I am in, or what is happening, if I hear this song I just have to get up and shake my tail feathers!

4 Days, 8 Hours, 42 Minutes and 12 Seconds

2011-03-24T08:45:00.000+02:00

On Sunday morning, Justice (our ever-entertaining gardener) hit a water pipe outside our house - I would like it noted for the record please that this is not the first time he has hit this pipe!

I immediately got on the phone and called our local municipality.. well.. I say immediately, but it took me about 30 minutes to get them to answer.. When they finally answered, the lady on the other end was very helpful.. she gave me a reference number and promised me that someone would come round to fix it asap.. I felt very hopeful .. and optimistic that it would be fixed within a few hours..

1 hour
2 hours
3 hours..

grrrr

On Monday morning I called again.. and gave them (in my most professional voice) my reference number and asked for an update.. I was told that we were in the queue and they would get to it before the end of the day.

On Monday evening I was told the same thing..

What you need to understand is that we had to switch the water off to our property...So.. two small boys, on big boy, 3 dogs, a cat and little old me.. with no water for days... grrr

On Tuesday morning I called and by now I am a little agitated... and I am told in a less than friendly voice that we are at a priority 3 level and it will probably only be fixed when we reach priority 1.

On Tuesday evening I call again and get the same response..

On Wednesday morning I call and throw my toys out of the cot.. huffing.. puffing.. and generally threatening them with all kinds of media coverage and exposure..

By Wednesday evening I am positively spitting mad.. Then I get a call from Linda (my mother-in-law's sister) and she very kindly gives me the mobile number and name of our local councillor.

I called him at 17:30 - and let him have it! At 17:40 he calls me back to say that if it has not been fixed by 19:00 I should call him back. At 18:15 he arrives at my house and 5 minutes later the repair team arrive..

Our water is now sorted and working perfectly again..

Just goes to show.. that old saying, "its not what you know, but who you know" really is true..

Make more babies for the revolution!

2011-03-19T08:03:00.000+02:00

So I know that I have added a cartoon about this.. because on one hand it is so very funny and ridiculous. However, it is also incredibly sad.. and insane.

Julius.. ahhh Julius.. you are seriously losing your mind..

And yes.. just in case you are wondering.. this is no joke.. Julius was quoted as saying that black women should have more babies for the revolution! Hold up a second.. I thought the revolution has already done what it was meant to do.. We have freedom for all in South Africa.. Everyone created equal.. so who is he trying to revolt against now?

Are there not enough orphaned and starving children in our country?

Enough said..

Who Do I Want To Be?

2011-03-16T22:13:00.000+02:00

So this is part 2 of my assignment for DrKakka for this week... If you have not read part 1, please click here

So part 2 comes about because I am meant to look forward. In part 1 I was reflective, looking back.. trying to figure out how I got here. Am I who I am because of the things that happened in my life, or did those things happen because of who I am?

Now he wants me to write about who I want to be.. In an ideal world, who would I choose to be.. While this may sound easy, it is actually a very difficult and complicated task for me - not withstanding the fact that my mind is empty and I am struggling to form this post...

Firstly, I want to be good.. but what does good mean? Is it different for everyone? Does it change according to one's own moral compass? I think it does, so I am going to write this piece about my opinion of goodness, which does not necessarily reflect goodness in its true form.

How do you even start with something like this? I keep trying to find the words.. normally they flow.. and I have wasted half a page on drivel.. I thought it would help me start.. but there is nothing.. my mind is blank and my head is empty... arrrgggggghhhhhh... help.. make the words come..

tick

tock

tick

tock...

Ok.. I have a plan.. See the reason I have been stumbling is because I have been trying to formulate the words in a specific order... the character traits in an order of importance.. and I have failed.. So.. I have decided to write as the words come and in no particular order.

Firstly, I would like to make decisions in my life based on truth and not based on fear. I want to make choices that are right rather than choices that are safe. I want to come from a place of strength.

How do I achieve this? The most important thing I think is that I need to know who I am, and not only who I am, but accept the good, the bad and the ugly about myself.

I want to be honest. I want to stop being frightened of people not liking me - as this leads me to be manipulative instead of honest.

I want to be responsible. I want to place more value in delayed gratification as apposed to instant gratification. This means I want to be less impulsive. I am extremely impulsive, I make decisions based on emotion of the here and now rather than on long term scenarios.

I want to be compatible with life. What I mean is, I want to be in harmony with my life and those around me. Fight less love more.

Loyalty. I want to be loyal to those I love. I want to make choices based on my love and loyalty for them rather than my impulsive nature.

I want to trust - this is a huge one for me.. I don't trust anyone... not completely anyway. It is a terrible thing to admit - and must be very difficult for those I love most.. Even Adam, who has been part of my intimate world for longer than anyone else - I still have trust issues with him. I know where they come from, and why they are here, but this does not make it any easier.

I want to have faith in myself - I want to stop doubting every thought in my head and start believing in my abilities. Even when I make a sound decision I question it.. and then question that decision too..

I want to be more than a good enough mother..and this is an area I feel loads of guilt in, as I know many mothers do.. Its difficult to know sometimes whether you are doing the right thing or not.. And I know we are all going to make mistakes...but hopefully they are only small ones..

I have been trying to complete this post for two days.. but it has been like pulling teeth.. very painful..

So..

End of Part 2

On days like today

2011-03-14T21:34:00.000+02:00

Missing you so much today.. will the wound ever heal?

Who am I?

2011-03-09T17:35:00.000+02:00

Writer's Block - not entirely true..

I do have a post going round and round in my head.. the words driving me crazy.. making noise in the quiet moments of my life.. I know I must release them or they will just get louder and louder. However, as with so many of these types of posts of mine, I have been unsure as to whether I should keep it to myself or subject the world to more of my insanity.. And then I remembered what DrKakka said yesterday when he gave me this assignment.. He said, "Not only should you write about it, but you should blog about it". He is of the opinion that it would be interesting to not only see if I get any comments, but also to see what the comments are. He has asked me to print any comments and bring them to our next "Brain Picking" session...

So here goes..

Firstly, the assignment is this: Write a fleshed out piece on who I want to be. This is not to do with career or opportunities, but rather to do with my character. As most of my regular readers must be aware by now, I am struggling...desperately with my character. Who I am... whether I like this person or not.. and whether I see myself in truth or through a "broken mirror".

That is the task he set.. and here is my response..

DrKakka told me a story yesterday..He said..

"I had a woman come to see me a few years ago. She was desperately afraid of her abusive ex-husband. When I asked her if they are still married and if he still lives in the same house, her response astounded me. She said, "no, he died 2.5 years ago"."

He let this sink in.. he said nothing to me.. he waited for me to respond.

I said, "That is insane. How can she be afraid of someone who is no longer alive?"

He said, "Kerren.. Don't you see, your fear is the same thing. The thing you are afraid of is not dead, but your fear is based on the same principle. The rest of the world can see that you are no longer in danger, and yet you are so deeply inside of this thing that you cannot see it.

While I see the point he was trying to make, it holds no ground with me. My situation is different. I am no longer afraid of the thing itself, but rather of "imprint" it left on my character.. on my soul.. The way it shaped who I am today.. Not only that, I am afraid that this "thing" may have been right.. Perhaps it is not the horror in my past that shaped who I am, but rather the horror exists because of who I am...This thought terrifies me.. gives me nightmares... It keeps me locked in an eternal vacuum of doubt..

Don't you see what it means? It means that if I was not me, if I was different in character, soul and personality then the horror would never have come to my life. It means that because of who I am.. because of the very nature of my being.. the person I was born to be... I deserved the horror.

Had I been born less flighty in character.. or loud in personality.. or absent minded by nature, I would not deserve the horror. Which means that the horror is my fault.. that it lives inside of me... that I was not necessarily wronged because it was only due to my lack of "being better" that this thing came about.

If only I was better
stronger
better behaved
loving of heart
purer of soul
If I would just think more
be proactive
do what I know I must
work harder

If only I was better then it would not have happened..

I have sat here for 10 minutes trying to decide whether to include the next paragraph or not.. If I do include it, will you see it for what it is, or will it just make my insanity look more pathetic? But truth is not truth without full disclosure..

I know that this post may seem a little like a cry for attention.. I get that.. I would probably think it was if I saw it on someone else's blog.. But trust me when I say that these are very real questions for me.. and not based on any need to hear people tell me I am fabulous - for even when they do I do not believe it. These questions are very real for me.. and based so deeply inside of me that it has taken me 35 years on this planet to be able to tell the world about them...

End of Part 1

The words wont come...

2011-03-08T09:57:00.000+02:00

I have writer's block... grrr.. I hate it... I have absolutely nothing to write about...

Any ideas? Anything you would like to see me write about?

Come on.. let me have it.. anything you like...

Round and round I go...

2011-03-04T03:42:00.001+02:00

It is 03:40am and I cannot sleep.. Normally I would blog now.. The house is quiet.. everyone (in their right minds) is asleep.. and it is easy to type..

However, I am still struggling with the effects of the concussion.. and sitting at the pc typing makes me feel sea-sick..

So I apologise for my silence.. but I am sure I will be typing up a storm come next week..

Shake, Rattle and Roll!

2011-03-02T10:08:00.000+02:00

On Saturday evening Adam and I were in my car, we had gone out for dinner. We were out in the country, on a very dark road.. As you guessed by now, we had an accident.. One minute I was doing something with my phone and the next I heard Adam swear loudly.. then we were flying.. then the world was upside down.. I remember thinking abut the noise in my ears..and then it occurred to me that it was a combination of breaking glass and me screaming.. It happened so quickly.. and so slowly.

We are both ok.. We walked away from it, which I think is a great testament to my car - I have always loved my car, but I now have a new level of respect for the Honda Jazz. She was put under extreme stress and she held together like a champ. Neither one of us was seriously injured and the car could look a whole lot worse...She has my undying devotion for protecting us...

We are both astounded that this was the only damage to the rim.. it hit the pavement pretty hard.

Yes.. my front tyres are no longer where they should be...

From this angle you can see how skew the car is.. you can see that the passenger side roof is dented in and the drivers side is popped out..

Poor baby.. so broken...

This is the photo that really gets me.. you can see how hard we hit on the roof just above the window..

So I have concussion.. and it will take a few days to pass.. and sitting at the pc makes me feel nauseous.. so I am going to stop now.. will be back in a bit...

For Jorga

2011-02-24T09:55:00.000+02:00

For my daughter on her day...

You are in my heart today and always..

It hurts too much to write today...

Lesson(s) my Son learned today..

2011-02-22T15:53:00.000+02:00

This is how it went:

Me: "Caleb, don't lean too far over the edge my love, that water is dirty, and you don't want to fall in".

Caleb: "oooooh Mom, I am not a baby like Daniel, I can take care of myself".

Me: "Ok Caleb, but if you fall in, you know I am not coming in to get you.. who knows what is under that water".

Caleb: " Yeessssss Mom... 'sigh'".

10 minutes pass...

Splash.. followed by screaming.. high-pitched distressed screaming...

Caleb: "Mom.. sob sob sob.. hurry.. come get me out before something bad gets my feet.... sob sob scream sob".

I run over.. naturally.. haul him out.. he is wet up to his armpits..

Sitting down on the grass 5 minutes later.. hugging my "big boy" to my chest.. rocking gently..

Me: "Its ok my love, nothing got you.. and Mommy came to save you quickly".

Caleb: "Sob.. thanks Mom".

Me: "See my boy.. sometimes Mommy says things for a reason.. not just to spoil your fun".

Caleb: "Yes mom.. sorry Mom".

Ahhhh.. another small victory for mothers everywhere!

You have got to be shitting me...

2011-02-21T15:06:00.000+02:00

Hello Powers that Be.. it's me again... and I respectfully ask.. ARE YOU INSANE??? Have you completely lost all rational thought? You have got to be shitting me???

Ok.. let me back up a second..

Recently (a few weeks ago) I was feeling strong, I had a game-plan, I was making progress and I was feeling optimistic.. this has now changed..

I am not in a happy place right now..

There are a few things (apart from the obvious) that are playing on my mind.. for one thing I feel like I am slowly being smothered by a blanket.. I am tired.. very tired.. All I want to do is sleep all the time.. I feel sad.. a lot of the time..and I am just without energy and drive.

It is Jorga's EDD in three days.. and this, as always, is weighing heavy on my heart. Today when I was looking for a picture to attach to this blog I typed in the words "Are you insane?" and Google brought up a whole bunch of pictures for me to pick from.. but there was one which made me gag.. and then I sat at my machine and cried for a few minutes.. it was a picture of a still-born term baby.. thrown in a bucket.. There is so much I could write on this.. but I think its pretty obvious how I feel.. So in light of the fact that I am already feeling depressed and weepy, I will leave this topic.. perhaps for another day.. perhaps I will never blog it.. who knows..

On top of this, I am feeling very depressed about my weight. The scale says I have picked up 1 or 2kgs in the past month.. I know I am comfort eating again.. and I am struggling to get it under control.. I know that gaining a couple of kgs vs the 24kgs that I lost is nothing.. But all I see when I stand naked in front of the mirror is the mountain I was last year.. and it is seriously depressing me.. It is difficult though because I do not feel motivated to get on the bike at all.. I just want to sleep all the time.. zzzzz...

Add to this the enormous pile of things I should be accomplishing both in the house and in the garden and I just feel overwhelmed.. I am sure if I tackled a little every day.. say one project a day, I would feel some sense of accomplishment.. but I have no desire to do anything... except eat.. and sleep..

Today when I fetched Caleb from school I was informed that his class have been separated from the rest of the school due to an outbreak of chicken-pox in his class.. 3 Children have come down with it over the weekend and they are expecting more.. None of my three boys (the big one included) have had it. Yes, they have all been vaccinated against it, but so have the 3 children who are currently suffering with it.. so this is no guarantee. So now I am wondering if we will escape it, or will this horrid disease rear its ugly head in my home..

Tomorrow I see DrKakka.. and I have no energy for it.. no desire to go.. If it were not for the fact that at least 3 people in my life would drag me there kicking and screaming if I tried to get out of it, I would cancel the appointment..

So.. why the picture of Zola Budd you may ask? Well, Zola Budd is/was one of the greatest runners South Africa has ever produced.. And it is a standing joke in our house that when things get too tough or difficult for me, I want to run.. So I figured, given how I am feeling now, a picture of her would be appropriate..

Run Kerren Run...

The first step is admitting you have a problem...

2011-02-21T12:52:00.004+02:00

Hello Darkness My Old Friend...

2011-02-16T00:44:00.001+02:00

The mist rolls in on winds of hurt

And with it comes its ever constant companion..

Insomnia

Swirling around me in deceptively calm motions

So gentle from afar.. but in truth dense as the night itself

Filling my lungs..leaving droplets on my skin

Claustrophobic in its embrace and yet isolating in its despair

I know now as I have always known

That I need to hold on for the dawn

Dawn brings clarity

And at least the deception of strength

And yet the warmth of the sun is many moments away

Moments that last an eternity

The night drains my faith

As surely as the sun restores my soul

In this moment I am lost

Blinded

I long for the sure-footedness of day

In the darkness I stumble

I look to the east for the rising of faith

Hold on..

The Chicken or the Bribe?

2011-02-15T10:05:00.001+02:00

I wonder how God feels about bribery? I guess it is only a sin if you are not a card carrying member of the ANC - If this makes no sense to you, then you need to read this post.

We have local elections coming up in the near future, and it seems that certain councillors are trying very innovative ways of winning votes.. Gone are the days of campaigning to your community.. No more will they stand up in front of the crowds and declare their beliefs and points of understanding! How antiquated the thought of telling the people how you want to help them.. or how you plan to improve their lives..No no, these are methods that are clearly not winning votes.. So.. the question is, how are the "fee pass into Heaven" ANC going to win votes?

That's easy... lets bribe the people with chicken.. "One Chicken One Vote" is the new slogan for our leading party!

"Community members are up in arms in ward 60 in Katlehong, Ekurhuleni, over claims that councillor John Thaba gave out chicken packs, money and alcohol to win votes in Sphamandla informal settlement. At least eight community members confirmed the chicken bribe claims.

Thaba would neither confirm nor deny the allegations levelled against him. “You can put it in the newspaper; it is not going to make any difference. I am still going to be a councillor. I can’t say whether they are lying or not,” he said, ending the call.
An employee of a major retail shop in the area said: “People came here with big trolleys and bought all the chicken. There was nothing left.”
A community member warned that councillors are taking advantage of poor people. After Sphamandla residents were fed chicken on the evening of January 8, they were then transported in a truck to a local school where they voted in favour of Thaba, said a source.
An elderly woman said her neighbours received chicken portions. “JT (Thaba) fed these people.”
A community leader said the gogo sitting in front of him on voting day unknowingly blurted out the chicken bribe scandal. “I overheard this old woman saying, ‘is he (Thaba) the one who gave us chicken yesterday’. She was not aware that it was supposed to be a secret,” the leader said." News24.com

All joking aside, I am absolutely disgusted by this story...

This man is using this community's most basic need against them - instead of helping them. The people living in this area live in poverty. They often do not know where their next meal is coming from. And here is this man bribing them with food to get their votes!

I cannot blame this community for taking the bribe - if I were not able to feed my boys, if they were going to bed hungry most nights, and someone offered me a bag of chicken in exchange for my vote, I would take it in a heartbeat.. It would be very easy for me to sit here and judge and say, "but don't they understand that if he is willing to use bribery now, imagine the kind of corrupt behaviour he will exude once in power?" He is focused on power.. nothing else.. but do you really think that matters to the mother of hungry children?

I know I am not alone when I say that I long for a party I can believe in.. I know that nobody is perfect.. and that there are underhanded things that happen in every area of politics to a greater or lesser degree.. I just wish I could find someone (or a party) who I can at least have some faith in..

Show me the light.. show me the way... Where can I make my X and feel proud of the choice I have made?

For my children..

2011-02-14T09:42:00.000+02:00

So many things happening in my life right now.. so much occupying my mind..but no matter how busy I get, something will always happen that reminds me that the clock is ticking.. that the days are passing.. that once again the date draws near...

Jorga's EDD (Expected Date of Delivery) is drawing near.. Even after 7 years I still feel her passing as if it were yesterday...

It is always around this time of year and in the quiet moments that I miss her most. Recently on Facebook someone made a comment that Adam and I should have a third child.. that we should try for a girl.. and everything inside me just crumbled.. I have a daughter, we are just separated.. but I know I will see you again one day my baby girl.. one day.. I just have to hang on.. and in the meantime your brothers keep me strong..

Mommy loves you honey
xxx

Photo Friday

2011-02-11T08:59:00.000+02:00

This is the mask Caleb and Zel made for Caleb to wear to school today - they all had to make one.. and I am not very creative.. Last year's mask was a disaster...lol.. This child is snake crazy.. and I mean CRAZY! The mask is really awesome don't you think?

The terrors..pretending they are sleeping so they can give me a fright..lol.. sweet little things!

This is what BabyBear looks like when he is really asleep.. how cute is this pose?

The only man who can get you into Heaven...

2011-02-10T09:13:00.000+02:00

Ok.. so it has been a while since I have posted anything political.. that is due to the fact that nothing has grabbed my attention enough that I feel I need to write about it or my head will explode.. However, that has now changed.. This post has been bobbing around my brain for a few days, but due to my
preoccupation with my own drama, it has had to wait until today...

As you all know, I have been battling demons in recent months, and one of them is whether I am a good person or not.. Am I going to heaven or hell? This question has now been answered for me.. I have a fool-proof plan of how to get into heaven.. All I need do is become a card carrying member of the ANC.. As long as I vote ANC from this day forward I will go to heaven - no matter anything else that I may do in my life!

How can I be so sure you may ask.. Well the answer is simple, a few days ago, Jacob Zuma (South Africa's President), said to supporters in Mthatha in the Eastern Cape: "When you vote for the ANC, you are also choosing to go to heaven. When you don't vote for the ANC you should know that you are choosing that man who carries a fork...who cooks people... "When you are carrying an ANC membership card, you are blessed. When you get up there, there are different cards used but when you have an ANC card, you will be let through to go to heaven."

Say What???

I wonder what God thinks of this? I trust that he has his membership to the ANC paid-up.. otherwise he may be facing eviction.. Interesting concept.

Another interesting question is who will be standing at the Pearly Gates.. hmmm... Could it be Saint Julius Malema? Now wouldn't that be something? I wonder if he knows he cannot have his mansion, fleet of cars and Rolex at the gates.. or perhaps because he is a member of the ANC he will be allowed to take these with him?

To all my international readers.. you have been warned.. Pay your membership to the ANC or you will be cooked by the man with the fork!

Amen!

They say the truth will set you free...

2011-02-09T04:21:00.000+02:00

Yesterday turned out to be a very difficult day for me.

I knew that when I posted in the guest blog about self esteem there would be consequences; I also knew that there would be people who would not want me to post the things that I did, but I chose to write and express those thoughts because they are my truth.. and a truth that I have been hiding for so long and it is time to set it free, both from the insanity in my brain and to just stand up and be counted.. it was time..

(I know you cannot see this for the writing will just flow as you read it, but I am sitting at my desk now at 03:46 trying to formulate the words that need to be written.. but also attempting to verbalise them in a way that will be less harmful to others).

This post may be a little disjointed.. but I will try to pull it together at the end.. I beg your indulgence...

One of the questions that has plagued me for years is, "Was it as bad as I remember it.. or has my brain made adjustments over time due to my constant rehashing of the memories?"

DrKakka has answered this question for me in the past months.. He put it like this:

It does not matter whether my story is worse or less than someone elses. It does not matter whether someone else suffered fewer consequences due to more severe trauma. It does not matter if the memories have become distorted over time. It does not matter if other people think I am creating a storm in a tea-cup. It does not matter if there are people out there who could have dealt with the trauma I experienced without the need for therapy. None of this matters.. The only thing that matters is that the trauma to me was severe enough, for me, that it is still affecting my daily life.. that I am still traumatised by it, and that I am AGAIN seeking counselling to come to terms with it.. Other peoples perception of my trauma matters not.. only my truth surrounding these events matters in my recovery.

And it is only since he explained it to me in that way that I have stopped feeling guilty for not being able to come to terms with it... that is.. until yesterday...

Yesterday the following sentence was written by a third party who only knows of my trauma through word of mouth after the fact: "but it's the truth that most people tend to ignore and focus on their own version to try and find comfort..."

And this is where I get angry... very angry.. and this is what has kept me from sleep tonight.. Now, granted, I may be interpreting this sentence incorrectly, and it may mean something completely different.. but every time I read it I feel "The Bitch" prowling the recesses of my mind... I feel the rage building.. and I know that I need to give her voice.. she was silenced for long enough...

"find comfort"??? You really think that any part of what I am admitting to brings me comfort??? It was the worst experience of my life. It has shaped and distorted all my relationships since then. It erodes my self esteem. It keeps me from trusting everyone and anyone who comes into my world. It has made me cynical and aggressive to so many people who are only trying to help. It has confused me and bashed at my confidence in myself and my abilities for 30 years.. and yet you say that I am trying to find comfort???

There is no comfort in this.. the only comfort I will find is when I finally spit it all out.. let it all go.. and know that it will no longer define who I am..

And as for ignoring the truth... Two people can experience the same story.. and yet have very different truths.. it does not make their truth any less valid..

Let me paint you a picture...

Wimbledon final...

Player A plays the best game of her life... She is on form.. she is strong .. and she is accurate..

Player B has the worst game of her life... Her form is completely off.. she is weak.. and her shots miss their target completely..

It is a walk over.. Player B is defeated so soundly that she refuses to play again..

Both parties experienced truth in this game... but their truths are completely different..

And so I will continue to speak my truth.. I will continue to heal myself.. for my sake as well as for the people closest to me.. I will not be silenced.. and I will not allow ignorance of my truth to make my reality any less valid...

Can you hear the crazy laugh?

2011-02-08T08:37:00.000+02:00

Oh look.. it is Tuesday... and what does that mean folks?

That's right.. you guessed it.. It is DrKakka day... yay lucky me!

Last week when I spoke to him about my inner bitch, he apologised for not showing her enough respect.. and for not taking her seriously enough.. Then he told me that my homework for this week is to research how you retrain a dog that has been abused. He explained that when I described the spitting snarling rabid bitch behind the fence, she is probably more frightened than I am.. and it would be wise for us to know what we are getting into before we open the gate completely.. Not only that, we need to have a game-plan on how to deal with her initially, as well as how we are going to help her get past her fear and conditioning..

I know I know.. it sounds odd right? That I need to research how to retrain an abused dog for my therapy session today.. But if I have learnt anything over the past months with DrKakka, it is that I have complete faith in him.. he has never let me down.. he builds trust.. and so if this is what he thinks I need to do for this weeks session, then this is what I will do..

There is only one problem.. I am struggling to focus..

I am a little distracted.. you see, I found a lump. It is about the size of a pea..it is pretty hard.. it doesn't hurt.. I know that it is probably nothing.. very certainly nothing.. Surely if I were ill I would feel it? And yet even having said that, there is still a very small voice whispering in my head "what if?' Yes yes, I am completely aware that I am a Drama Queen - guilty as charged.. but... It is still making me a little nervous.. There have just been so many people in my world affected by that illness, that I cannot help feeling a little stirring of concern in my tummy somewhere..

Eish.. But perhaps that is just an excuse to avoid my homework... Really don't feel like doing it.. but I guess I must.. wouldn't want to get into trouble with DrKakka..

Right.. homework time!

You think the other one was bad?

2011-02-07T08:45:00.000+02:00

So.. if you think some of my posts in the recent past have been very personal and hectic, then you aint seen nothing yet!

Last week I participated in a Guest Blog. It is run every week for women by a woman, and it concerns their self esteem. It was very difficult for me to write - it was very honest, way more honest and in detail than anything I have posted on my blog to do with my insanity. And I have spent the past 4 days trying to decide whether to post it on my blog or not.

You see, most of the feedback I have received lately about my very personal and painful posts has been very positive, but one or two people have hinted that perhaps it is TMI for my blog.. While I respect their opinions, I do not agree with them. Part of what my blog is about is a place for me to be able to express without consequence.. It is my contribution to healing myself.. I love to write.. and I find it liberating to be able to send it out to the big wide world and let it go. I think it helps me let it go if I give it to the world..

Anyway...

This guest post that I did for another blog sheds some light on the demons I am currently dealing with - On my blog I never give specifics, but on that blog I did... so.. I have decided to not post it here (for fear of shocking some of the old folk out of their socks), but it was a very healing post for me and one I am very proud of myself for having the courage to write...

Long story short.. If you would like to read it, please either mail me (kerrenr@gmail.com) or leave a comment here with your contact details and I will forward the link to you!

Happy Blogging!

Real or Not?

2011-02-04T11:15:00.003+02:00

The Lady Bloggers Society - Writing Challenge

2011-02-03T22:07:00.000+02:00

The Best Thing I Can Do For The World Is...

The best thing I can do for the world is to continue to challenge every belief system I have been taught but do not necessarily agree with...

Growing up in South Africa in the 80's meant I was exposed to a great deal of hate speech. This was predominantly to do with racism, but also to do with many different types of prejudice.

As you all know by now, I am in a cycle of self-discovery, healing and change, and something that is very important to me now is that people do not judge me without knowing the facts.

Anyone who knows me knows that I will not tolerate any kind of hate speech - especially around the boys. I do not want them growing up with the same hatred in their hearts and minds that my generation was exposed to. If you asked me to pick one life lesson that I think is most important for my boys to learn it would be "live and let live".

As a child and more importantly, as a teenager, I was taught (or heard) a great deal of prejudice, and when these lessons are taught to you during your foundation years they very often become part of your reality. It is a constant choice (and even battle) for me to make up my own mind about prejudice-type topics. My "knee-jerk" reaction in certain situations is to condemn people who do not come from the same race, culture, religion, economic standing etc that I was raised in - and I have fought all my life against these spontaneous thoughts because I do not agree with them.. at all... I am a firm believer in "live and let live".. not only do I believe in it, I practice it every day. And even in this day and age I am exposed to prejudice all the time - but gone are the days where I will let these "voices" have any space or time in my existence.

The best thing I can do for the world is to ensure that the part I play in raising tomorrows generation is to instill a belief of love, honour and mutual respect; for it is only in this way that the scars of the past will heal once and for all in my beloved South Africa.

Wordless Wednesday...

2011-02-02T12:57:00.000+02:00

When you gotta go...

Red or Pink?

2011-02-02T09:40:00.000+02:00

I have become a member of The Lady Bloggers Society. I know I am a day late with this, but I only found it today, and the Red or Pink challenge is speaking to me with a connection to my post of yesterday... so I am going to post it today!

Red or Pink?

When I think of these two colours at the moment, I see where I am and where I would like to be..

Red represents the rage and fear that I am currently facing... It is the colour of blood.. it lets us know we are alive no matter how much it may hurt.. I see red.. I feel it... I am desperately trying to make my way out of it... It is a hard colour... it is in your face.. and it is stubborn..

Pink represents the gentler feeling I am working so hard to find.. it is the colour of roses... and rose tinted glasses.. it is a soft colour.. it is calm.. it evokes feelings of all things girlie.. Pink is loving.. caring.. and easy on my soul..

The irony that Red is the colour of love for the commercial world but the colour of rage for me has not escaped me..

These two colours are so close and yet in such contrast for me when I align them with my current emotions...

I see Red
I long for Pink

One baby step at a time...

A tiny coming together of energy...

2011-02-01T08:59:00.000+02:00

This picture is pretty much how I feel at the moment...

There is so much coming together... so many things on my mind.. so many things that require my undivided attention.. and I am struggling to prioritise.

I know that certain things are more important than others, but the ones I should really be focusing on seem to slip through the cracks of the constant slug of daily life. Most of the time I feel like I am running around like a headless chicken.. making no progress, but never slowing down.

Today I see DrKakka again.. I keep looking at the clock knowing that the time is ticking down.. knowing that very soon now I will be sitting in that chair and he will be poking away at my brain.. eish.. My brain does not want to be poked at today.. all I really want to do is crawl back into bed and hide from the insanity that I know, without a doubt, he will release in today's session...

So I ask myself.. "why am I doing this?" Why am I putting myself and my family through this stress and tension? I have lived for 35 years with all of this bottled up inside me and perhaps I have not been the most stable or happy person on the planet, but I have coped... Which leads me to wonder if perhaps it is not better to just put the lid back on... close the doors.. seal the gate... and let sleeping dogs lie. The problem, is that the dogs are already awake.. I have blown a whistle straight into the ear of the dominant female.. and it is now impossible to put her back to sleep without a tranquiliser gun...

I feel her pacing the dark corners of my mind.. and she is angry.. very angry... I woke her from her slumber and she is demanding payment for my insubordination.

You see, her and I, we had an agreement.. I let her sleep, and she lets me live under the blanket of denial that her slumber provides. But I burnt the blanket.. and now there is no turning back..

My conscious mind knows that I must calm her... understand her.. and release her from her prison if I am ever to have the chance of peace in my insanity... It seemed so easy when I started therapy. I figured that if I just faced her... let her voice be heard.. then all would be well.. She would have her say and be done with it.. and then my mind could rest once and for all.. But the closer I am getting, the more difficult it is becoming.. If I have to put it into a picture for you, then it looks like this:

Every week when I see DrKakka, he walks with me to the gate of the slumbering bitch.. He shows me where the key is hidden.. and he asks me to open the gate... I feel strong.. I am sure I can do this.. but as I move towards the gate, the bitter taste of bile and terror rise in my throat.. and I know, with a certainty that I cannot explain, that this could go very bad.. Instead of the bitch having her say and moving on, there is a very real possibility that she will drag me back into the cage with her.. That she is stronger.. more determined.. and more pissed off than I give her credit for..

I know that her rage comes from fear.. same as mine... But if there is one thing we are taught about vicious dogs, it is that we should never advance towards a snarling spitting terrified animal.. and yet this is what DrKakka wants me to do.. He has told me that I have nothing to fear.. that the rabid bitch inside my head is only a memory.. a piece of history that cannot hurt me.. that the only power she has is the power I give her... But I have fed her for so long... taken care of her needs so that she leaves me alone, that I am not sure how to stop doing it... She is so much a part of me.. and she is so strong.. that if I give her the freedom to express, I am terrified that she is dominant enough to take over as the alpha... and where would that leave me?

And who does that make me?

Who would I become if she is in control?

Certainly this mask I show to the world would not fit her.. even if it did I know she will not wear it... but the mask keeps me safe.. it stops people asking questions... And God knows I hate them asking questions.. it suffocates me... it makes me run... but no matter how far or hard I run, the slumbering salivating bitch is stronger.. and faster...

So today I go to do battle again.. I am preparing myself mentally for the task ahead.. I am preparing physically.. polishing my armour... strengthening my muscles.. taking my energy tonic...

Perhaps today will be the day she is released..

If I do not return .. well... I can only warn you to pay attention to the dark places.. you could be next on her list...

So what have I learnt today?

2011-01-26T15:34:00.000+02:00

1.   Things are bound to get worse before they get better.
2.   Having a "Mom's" night with some of the mothers from Caleb's school does not mean it'll be quiet.
3.   People often surprise you.
4.   You may think you know how people will react - but whoatherebigpony you don't.. someone will always surprise you.
5.   At a school that bills you the earth for a Cambridge Education, there is still a lack of communication.
6.   The cat is going pee-pee in the house because she has "Tom-Cat stress" - hahaha.. those were the exact words of our vet to me this morning... hahaha... tom-cat stress...
7.   Our cat is now on the kitty version of Prozac to help her deal with tom..
8.   I am slightly concerned that the pills will make her more... um....proactive with tom.. and less likely to scratch his eyes out... we will see...
9.   My child beat everyone in a race today.. including the coach...:)
10. Even though the new ott giganormous flat screen LCD HD TV does not fit in our TV cabinet, I love it.. and will gladly saw through pieces of wood in my beloved cabinet to make it fit...
11. Either that or use above-mentioned beloved cabinet as firewood and mount the new TV on the wall..
12. Yes, I am that shallow...

DrKakka is kakka...

2011-01-25T15:37:00.000+02:00

For the benefit of my international readers - Kak translated into English is shit... and if something is kakka it is crappy.. or shitty... ok.. all on the same page now? Good.. then let us begin..

Today was my weekly appointment with my shrink.. I wish I could find a better way of putting this, but as you can see from the picture, I am under the impression that I may be slightly mad. DrKakka (formerly DrFeelgood) is of the belief that I am trying to convince him that I am mad to avoid the real issue at hand... I am still not ready to share this issue on here, but I hope to get to that point one day.... ANYWAY....

The reason DrKakka has been renamed, is that in times gone by I always left his rooms feeling uplifted.. and with a sense of hope that all is not lost and I may make it out of my current crisis alive and intact. This is no longer the case - we are way past the point where I usually back out of therapy and one of the main reasons for this is because I trust DrKakka more than I trust some of the people in my every day life. He always gives it to me straight.. whether I want to hear it or not.. which is something I have never had from a therapist before. For example, this morning I said to him that what I really want is to be given access to the file he has on me and for him to let me see all the crazy little notes and comments he writes about me... I want to know what he truly thinks of me and my insanity.. And the oddest thing happened.. He lent forward and gave me my file.. without removing anything.. or making justifications for anything.. He let me read the whole file.. This pretty much stunned me...and won enormous trust with me..

However... he is still DrKakka... and not DrFeelgood... because every week he makes me get closer to facing the worst demon I have ever known..

Last night I had a nightmare from hell.. literally.. with demons and torture and all sorts.. And when I told him about it this morning, he pretty much explained it as I knew it to be true.. but there where parts of it that I could not identify.. parts that he very easily explained to me.. and it really does fit.. It's not something that could mean one thing or another.. Its a very definite message from my subconscious.. So that set the tone for today's session.. but boy was it hard work!!!

Last week he made me write down all my thoughts about my irrational fear of a certain..umm.. how do I put this? Umm... irrational fear of a certain item.. yes, that's it, lets call it an item. When I took it to him today he was actually chuckling in a few places.. After he read it, he asked me why I don't speak that freely in our sessions. It was at this point that I explained to him about my blog.. and the fact that I would far rather be writing than speaking about my insanity.. I also told him how much it is hurting and hindering me that I am unable/unwilling to write about my insanity on my blog. DrKakka is truly a genius... He said that from now on he will give me homework every week in the form of written work... which seems to work better for him and I... and this week I have to write all my thoughts down as if I could blog them.. and instead bring them to our next session... yay.. This should give both of us insight..

So.. he is still DrKakka at the moment, but at least there seems to be progress!

I am extremely proud of myself for having stuck with this therapy.. Although, if truth be told, I think it has as much to do with DrKakka as it does with me.. Either way, I am pleased that I am facing my demons.. one small nightmare at a time..

Am I the only concerned parent?

2011-01-24T15:21:00.000+02:00

Caleb was just 2-years-old when a paediatrician - after having known my son for less than 10 minutes - suggested that perhaps he is hyperactive and a possible ADHD sufferer. He then went on to mention that he would happily prescribe Methylphendate (Ritalin) for us so that we could get Caleb's hyperactivity under control! I was shocked and disgusted at this to say the least - and I told the Doctor so before leaving his office never to return.

Now... lets just lay out some facts before I continue this post:
1. I am a firm believer that there are true ADHD sufferers out there who absolutely need the medication.
2. I was diagnosed with ADHD in high school and took Ritalin for 2 years.
3. There is no doubt in my mind that the Ritalin helped me - I went from being an average student to an A student in a matter of months.
4. Should Caleb truly need Ritalin there is no way that Adam and I would deny him any kind of treatment that can help him.

However, having said all that, here is my rant....

Caleb is 5 years old. He is a very active little boy - he loves nothing more than running around our garden, helping me in the garden, climbing trees, climbing the walls (literally) and riding his bike like a crazy freak up and down our driveway. Caleb is very seldom still and taking him to shopping malls or such related places like restaurants, is often hair-raising for any brave adult in our family.

Adam and I are both aware that Caleb is hyperactive - his teachers are aware of - it is very difficult to miss! Adam and I are also both aware that some form of help may be needed for him in the future, which is why we have had him at Play-Therapy for the past few months. He has now concluded this therapy and we are going in to see the therapist on Thursday afternoon to wrap up his treatment and learn the way forward.

My problem is this...Since 1991 there has been a 500% increase in ADHD diagnosis and treatment with Ritalin. There has been a 2000% increase in the prescription of Adderall and Dexedrine - two similar drugs to Ritalin that are used to treat ADHD. Preschoolers medication (2 to 5-year-olds) has tripled since 1995.

There have been no definitive studies on the long term effects of such Psychotropic medication in preschoolers - Say What???

As I mentioned earlier, I completely understand that there are definite cases of ADHD, and that these children need any help we can provide to over-come these often debilitating symptoms. Surely though we do not need to be giving our preschoolers such strong and stimulant based medication? They are still babies for goodness sake, and if we start drugging them this early, what will the long term effects be on how their brains function in later life. A child's synapses only stop learning how to function at approximately age 3.. So giving these types of Psychotropic medication to a 2-year-old could significantly alter the way the brain works.

Yes my son is hyperactive.. yes he has trouble sitting still and colouring in for hours on end, but since when is this a negative thing in a young child? My son is very intelligent (all his tests have proven this), he is very inquisitive and extremely enquiring. He would rather be running in the garden than watching TV - why is this considered a "bad" trait? I was under the impression we should be encouraging young children to run around the garden rather than sitting in front of "The Box"?

Caleb may not be the best puzzle maker, or the best at colouring in, but put him in a sport environment and he thrives! Only last week his coach at school called me aside to inform me that a couple of the children are being advanced in February to a higher group due to the fact that they are far too advanced physically for their age group and would benefit from being in a sporting group with the next age group. Caleb is WICKED with any game that involves hand-eye co-ordination. Tennis, cricket, soccer and skipping are among his favourite things - last week I was watching him in his Action Ball class, and he was the only child who could do more than one rotation with the skipping rope. Why are these things less important than being able to sit still for long periods of time?

Yes I know that he will need to learn to concentrate for longer periods as he gets older and his scholastic requirements increase, but I am extremely concerned that at 5-years-old this is being seen as a problem already. I started school at 5 years old, and I could certainly not yet colour within the lines, write my own name or count to 70. But children these days are being pushed faster and harder from a much younger age.

Our society seems determined to live in a "fast food" environment and we are dragging our children along with us. We want quick fixes for everything! Fast food, fast delivery, instant gratification... and I for one think we are doing a terrible disservice to our little ones.

My son is 5-years-old.. he doesn't get homework yet or even write tests.. so there is no way I am going to let some stuffy old paediatrician tell me that at this tender age I should be drugging him to make him sit still for longer.

Caleb my boy, you play to your hearts content... run, skip and jump! Pretend to be a cowboy, pretend to be a pirate.. run with the dinosaurs... fly with the birds... paint your face.. scratch your knees.. destroy your shoes braking on your bike with your feet instead of your brakes... Mommy and Daddy will be there every step of the way letting you be a child for as long as possible - safe in the knowledge that should the need arise at a much later date for you to have a little extra help with the crippling concentration needed to complete your education in this "fast food" world, Daddy and I will provide whatever it is you need to get the most from your scholastic career!

We love you dearly little free spirit!

Clench and release..

2011-01-17T12:19:00.000+02:00

So... anyone who knows me knows that I suffer with back spasms every couple of months. My usual treatment for this pain is to get a member of the family (they are all pretty good at it by now) to give me a shot of Voltaren in the bum. Unfortunately we have run out of the stuff, and seeing as this particular spasm has been coming on for days, it is pretty painful by now..

So this morning, as I was doing my usual dashing around the shops, I stopped in at the pharmacy and bought a whole bunch of the ampules plus a few needles. Now.. here is where I went horribly wrong - I decided to ask the nurse in the pharmacy to give me a quick jab (mind out the gutter Lizelle) as it will be hours before Adam is home and I need relief from this spasm NOW!

It did not even occur to me that she may be the devil in hiding... She was wearing a very official looking nurses uniform.. It evoked a feeling of trust in me that was sorely mistaken!!! So I drop my jeans and present my right bum cheek - she whips out the needle and slams it into my bum.. At this point it dawns on me that she is about as gentle as Arnie on a bottle of tequila.. eish...

As she is pumping this liquid into my cheek, I feel my bum muscles begin to contract and release.. this has never happened before.. I feel a slight sheen of sweat break out on my forehead and it is at this point that I know I am in deep deep trouble..

As she draws the very sharp needle from my bum she slams it down into the seat of the chair I am leaning on... a trickle of sweat is released from my forehead and runs down the side of my face.. only to drip onto the seat a few inches from the needle... She then rubs vigorously on the area where the needle was inserted and says, " There you go.. all done... so much easier when you know what you are doing". EASIER??? for who???

As I begin putting my dignity back together (thank goodness I wore the new "without holes" undies this morning) and straighten up, I can feel my bum still clenching and releasing... hmmm... I gingerly take a step towards the till to pay for "the devil's brew" and every time I place my right foot on the floor my bum cheek releases.. every time I pick the foot up the cheek clenches.. I am now walking in a sort of hop-skip-jump movement and am feeling very self-conscious indeed...

I stand in the queue at the till trying desperately to stop twitching from one bum cheek - there is a rather short man behind me in the queue.. and as I am 6ft tall, and he is about knee-high to a grasshopper, I just know he is watching my bum clench and release - this knowledge increases my bodies response to stress.. and I am now sweating like a mine worker in the 8th hour of his shift..

I hop-skip-jump my way out of the pharmacy and into my car... I drove straight home.. and am now sitting at my pc typing this post while still clenching and releasing every few seconds... My only thought at this point is that I have to go to "orientation" evening at Caleb's school in a few hours... Please God.. hear my prayer.. please let my bum be returned to normal status before I get to the school.. it was only 3 days ago that the puking/snot incident happened .. all I need is for my cheek to have a mind of its own while I am mixing with the "hoity-toity" parents this evening. I can just imagine the chatter in the parking lot tomorrow morning.. "Poor Caleb.. its a wonder he is normal at all with a mother like that.. what was she thinking.... You know, I hear she was arrested for a DUI once.. tsk tsk.."

Lessons I learnt today...

2011-01-14T12:52:00.001+02:00

1. When both your children have noses full of slimy stuff and they start to cry at the same time, move out of the way of fast moving pedestrian traffic through the school gate.
2. No matter how upset the eldest is, if the baby on your hip begins to cough from too much crying, step away from the respectable folk and tip baby's head away from you - preferably in a flowerbed and not towards the opening of said gate.
3. If lesson 2 was forgotten and you are now covered in slimy puke, attempt some dignity by leaving the area as quickly as possible - under no circumstances should you engage in conversation with any parents or teachers!
4. Even though it is raining and you are sopping wet from rain and puke, remove your warm jumper and use it to clean the slimy puke from the baby - this is done with love, unconditional devotion and not a thought for yourself.. only a mothers love...
5. Do not think that just because you are pushed for time, should you go straight to the garage where your car is being serviced - any respectable person would have gone home first to change.
6. If step 5 is ignored (dumbass) you should attempt to stand a decent distance from the people working in the garage whilst booking in your car.
7. If step 5 and 6 are ignored, do not be surprised when the garage calls to say that your service on your car is going to be way more than originally thought.
8. When going round to your Mother-in-Law's house to load an obscene amount of heavy, wet and muddy lawn onto the back of your bakkie (van), do not forget your gloves.
9. No gloves can protect a manicure from this kind of abuse.
10. Do not wear your most expensive and very new trainers to complete above task.
11. If, after this start to the day, you are still not convinced you should crawl back in to bed and start the day again, get on the bike and cycle 30kms - once this is complete, do 200 sit-ups as well as weight training for the flabby arms...

And on that note.. hi ho.. hi ho.. it's off to cycle I go...

So this is where I am at...

2011-01-13T13:35:00.000+02:00

I know I am not blogging.. I know it has been ages... but this picture says it all!

I am still seeing Doctor-Feelgood - although, at the moment he is not making me feel very good. I am still dealing with a whole lot of insanity in my head... and some of it (actually most of it) is not fit for public consumption.. and so I am unable to blog..

I hope this is temporary.. as I really miss writing.. it is soothing to my soul.. and heaven knows my soul could use some soothing right now..

:(

Emotionally Drained...

2010-12-10T07:43:00.000+02:00

Doctor B is trying to kill me.. I am convinced of it!

Lizelle has taken to calling him Doctor Feelgood, because usually once I finish a session with him that's how I feel... but not this week!

He wants to delve into things that I am not ready to talk about... and it is causing me stress...

He says that I need to talk about them so that they lose the power to frighten me... but I am not convinced... I have always been of the belief that if I keep them locked away and do not give them any energy, then they cannot hurt me... He disagrees...

It's just that some of these things I have kept hidden for so long.. I am not sure I want to feel it all again.. But Doctor B says that memories should not have power over us.. that they only have power over us if we allow them to affect our present.. if we allow them to hurt as real events rather than just memories of something that happened. I tried to convince him that he is wrong.. unfortunately, he is right... and we both know it...

So right now I am feeling emotionally drained... and just not ready to face my demons... eish.. wish it was all over with ...

I want to write more, but have worked my arms so hard in the past couple of days that they feel weak and like they are too heavy for me to lift.. so I have to stop typing now.. every keystroke is agony...

Watch this space!

Music Monday

2010-12-06T08:26:00.000+02:00

In honour of a Sunday spent working hard and having fun..

Me and the crazy chick!

2010-12-01T20:10:00.000+02:00

You would think I would know better...

2010-11-30T10:43:00.000+02:00

In January of this year I destroyed my left ankle - it was one of the most painful, not to mention embarrassing experiences of my entire life! Ten months later, I still have marks on my ankle, and it is still not back to its original shape, but with a great many hours of cycling and taking it slowly, I am happy to report that the ankle is strong and healthy! However, that is not the point of this post...

On that fateful day in January, as I was being wheeled into another exam room in the hospital, I vowed that I would never walk Caleb to school again. I was convinced that "The Powers That Be" were giving me a clear warning that it was not meant to be... Every time since then that Caleb has asked if we can walk to school I have made some silly excuse and avoided it like the plague..

Today I clearly left my brain asleep when I woke up... I agreed that we could walk to school.. dumb and dumber here we come...

It was a disaster from the moment the words came out of my mouth.. Firstly, it is meant to be summer here in southern Africa - today is anything but summery... There is a chill in the air and a fine mist falling constantly.. Oi.. what a day for a a walk!

Daniel was not cooperating at all - We are in the process of potty-training with him, and he is doing exceptionally well, however, I was a little hesitant to walk all the way to the school without him wearing a diaper - it was at this point that the entire expedition was doomed to failure! After many attempts to dress Daniel failed dismally, I eventually managed to bribe him by allowing him to wear his Lightning McQueen T-Shirt (this boy is McQueen crazy!). Due to the rain and chill in the air, I insisted that he wear a light-weight sweater over the shirt.. Naturally this was a stupid move on my part, as what is the point of wearing Lightning McQueen T-Shirt if your idiotic mother is going to cover it with a sweater??? I mean really, what was I thinking???

This then erupted in a tantrum to end all tantrums! It goes without saying that I am a seasoned tantrum-ignoring-mom... Caleb was very skilled in this art; Daniel takes it to a whole new level though, and by the time I was ready to curl up in the foetal position and whimper while repeatedly smacking my head against the floor, Daniel was in full swing!

The problem, was that normally I would just completely ignore him until he calmed down and stopped screaming at me, however, Caleb needed to get to school and the clock was ticking... We walked out the gate with Daniel in full scream...

He performed and yelled all the way to the school and back... people driving along were staring at me... Mothers were giggling at my distress... and it was the final nail in the coffin for walking to school..

Never again I say.. never again!

Is there life after Blackberry?

2010-11-28T21:15:00.000+02:00

I keep looking for you

searching

feeling lost

alone

and so cut off from the world..

Sigh..

Of whom do I speak? The answer may shock you...

I am writing tonight about the devastating loss of my Blackberry. Although, it has to be said that loss is not the correct word. My Blackberry was stolen.. that's right.. stolen... And it is not like I left it out in the open, or forgot it at the ATM (which I have done before btw - but returned in time to find it still there). It was in the pocket of my jacket, which was on the back of my chair at dinner.

I am truly in mourning.. I love that phone with a passion bordering on OCD. My Blackberry and I are always together.. and I mean ALWAYS! When I brush my teeth she is there next to the basin waiting patiently for me to finish my ablutions. When I walk from the bathroom across our bedroom to my closest, she is there waiting on the shelf with my T-shirts for me to finally make up my mind as to which outfit will best suit OUR mood that day. If I am making coffee, cooking dinner, watching TV or taking out the rubbish my BB is there..

And now she is gone.. stolen away by some spawn of Satan into the night.. never to be seen again.. Oh woe is me.. How will I cope... where do I turn? I feel like I have lost a close friend.. a sister.. a confidant..

The only upside to this "death in the family" is that Adam insisted we insure our phones a month or two ago... Plus I did a back-up from my phone last Tuesday - which I have not done in months..

So there is light at the end of the tunnel.. it is very faint... and very far away (it will be at least 2 days until I finalise all the paperwork to replace her), but at least there is a light..

Will it ever be the same? Can a new sister truly ever replace the one that is lost?

Woe.. woe.. oh woe is me!

Cherry Mistmas!

2010-11-25T13:31:00.000+02:00

Once again this year, I've had requests for my Tequila Christmas Cake recipe so here goes:

Please keep in your files as I am beginning to get tired of typing this up every year!

1 cup sugar
1 tsp baking powder
1 cup water
1 tsp. salt
1 cup brown sugar
Lemon juice
4 large eggs
Nuts
1 bottle tequila
2 cups dried fruit

Sample the tequila to check quality.

Take a large bowl; check the tequila again to be sure it is of the highest quality...Repeat.

Turn on the electric mixer. Beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl.

Add 1 teaspoon of sugar. Beat again.

At this point, it is best to make sure the tequila is still OK.

Try another cup just in case.

Turn off the mixerer thingy.Break 2 eggs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of dried fruit.

Pick the fruit up off the floor.

Mix on the turner.If the fried druit gets stuck in the beaterers, just pry it loose with a drewscriver.

Sample the tequila to test for tonsisticity. Next, sift 2 cups of salt, orsomething.Check the tequila. Now shift the lemon juice and strain your nuts.

Add one table. Add a spoon of sugar, or somefink. Whatever you can find.Greash the oven.Turn the cake tin 360 degrees and try not to fall over.

Don't forget to beat off the turner. Finally, throw the bowl through the
window.

Finish the tequila and wipe the counter with the cat.

Cherry Mistmas!

It's the price you pay...

2010-11-22T14:40:00.001+02:00

As most of you know, Caleb is having a few troubles, issues and things at the moment. We are trying everything we can think of to help him. One of the things we firmly believe in is that Caleb needs to be in a school where he receives special attention - now.. here comes the problem...

Caleb is in a private school. We believe it is one of the best schools in our area and we love it. The thing is, Caleb's school is rather expensive. On the plus side, there are only 18 children to a class, and each class has a teacher and a teachers aid, which means that Caleb gets personal attention and the teacher is not over-worked - which means that she is able to pick things up as soon as they appear.

Take Caleb's current "troubles", she noticed at almost the same time we did that something was up... that there was something going on.. So based on that, Adam and I firmly believe that we have Caleb in the right school.. the problem is that their fees have increased by 27% for next year. Now don't get me wrong, we understand that everything is going up.. but 27%??? Its insane..

If you take into consideration that Daniel will start school next year sometime, and I am still not pulling my weight financially in the home, this is leading to quite a few sleepless nights for me... We have been considering that we may have to move him to a different school for 2012.. The headache is, where do we send him? A few people have mentioned the names of one or two other "good" schools in the area that are far less expensive, and Adam and I have been looking into it. However, every school we consider has between 35 and 50 children per class with only one teacher...

Only one teacher for that many children means that Caleb may slip through the cracks... and if that happens, who knows where we will be by the teenage years.

Caleb is extremely bright... we have known this for a while.. In fact, we have been told it by many different people - most of them the Doctors and Specialists we have been taking him to recently to try to figure out how to help him... Children of Caleb's intelligence are sometimes misdiagnosed with ADHD because they are unable or unwilling to sit still and do the same repetitive work over and over...

Our latest specialist, who Caleb saw an hour or so ago, was testing his eyes, the health of his eyes, as well as any neurological issues with the eyes to try to determine if perhaps he is struggling with converting what he sees into something he can understand. She told me that Caleb's eye-sight as well as eye-brain development is advanced for his age. She also asked if we are aware that Caleb is a very bright child, and have we considered that he may be misdiagnosed with ADHD... I laughed...

She also asked me if we have considered kitting out our garden to better entertain him and keep him stimulated.. I laughed at that too... You see, our garden is really geared for children - we have a HUGE trampoline, ropes hanging from the trees (it looks like Monkey World), swings, a large jungle-gym, a sand-pit and numerous other play things. He has a skateboard, a weird modernised looking skateboard, a couple of bikes and a section of the garden specially designed for him to play with his toy snakes and things.. so yes, I think our garden is a pretty good haven for an active boy.

So I am not sure where we go from here... Next week he will be having his ears tested to ensure that there is nothing going on there that could be causing his headaches etc... but other than that, I do not know where to turn.. And on top of that, the worry over the cost of his school is enough to age any parent before their time..

I guess all things work out the way they should... I just hope that this one works out the best possible way for our Special Caleb...

I couldn't wait for Music Monday...

2010-11-18T21:34:00.000+02:00

Christina Aguilera - Beautiful (Official Music Video). Watch more top selected videos about: Christina Aguilera

He is...

2010-11-17T20:24:00.000+02:00

He is like a G&T after a long hot dry day...
He is a new way of looking at the same old thing..
He is expression without consequence...

Who is he? He is my therapist... and he is fabulous!

Anyone who is close to me knows that I have been in a rough patch recently... In fact, anyone who reads my blog probably knows it too... And I know that some of the topics I have blogged about have not been well received by some of my readers, but this blog is about me.. and my thoughts.. and my feelings.. It is my truth, and my state of mind... and tonight's post will be no different.. so you have been warned!

I have been to many therapists in my life.. many.. many.. many.. and I have always gone into therapy with a sense of hope, that perhaps this time will be different, perhaps this is the person who can help me. The bottom line is that none of them ever have and I always leave feeling less hopeful and less connected to the world than when I started.. Until I met Doctor B!

I have been seeing Doctor B for about a month now and the change is undeniable! Doctor B has a way about him that makes me feel like I am having a beer with an old trusted friend, rather than feeling like I am being inspected to see just how insane I really am.

There is a question that has plagued me most of my life; a question that my soul has tried to answer for many years. It is a life quest question, and one that I only share with those who are absolutely closest and trusted by me. I have spent so many hours in therapy trying to answer this question, and no therapist has ever been able to show me a way of thinking that I can believe in... a way of looking at things that speaks to my spirit.. Until I met Doctor B!

He has a way of showing me things that I have never seen before. He is able to speak to my soul in a language that I can understand, and not only understand, but believe in! He sees things in a light that is completely foreign to me, and yet is like a light in the darkness.

Adam, more than anyone, knows the question in my soul - and for many years Adam has been telling me the same thing that Doctor B is telling me. The difference is that while I trust Adam's judgement above all others, I have often felt that it is influenced by his love for me, and love is blind after all. Doctor B has no emotional attachment to me, he has no reason to tell me what I want to hear. I would even go so far as to say that Doctor B is only as good as his last patient - which means that helping me must be more important to him than telling me what I want or need to hear.

Over and above that, Doctor B does not treat me like a crazy person, nor does he judge any of my actions or anything I tell him.. (I love that about him by the way - he never passes judgement). He listens, and then responds - but it is not the fact that he responds, it is the way he words things that has me almost hero-worshipping him. He never pulls his punches, and always says exactly the truth as he sees it. The amazing thing to me is that the truth as he sees it is comforting to my soul.. it creates a space for me to believe that all is not lost.. that there is hope.. and that the answer to my soul question may not be as terrifying or dramatic as I have always believed.

Today I hashed out an aspect of my "soul question" that I have dealt with many times before. It is one that I have offered up to every therapist I have ever been to, and the result has always been the same - the therapist gives me an answer from a psyche book, and I leave feeling weak and wounded. Doctor B, in the space of a few short sentences today, opened my eyes to a truth I have been searching for for so very long. He said 3 or 4 sentences that have caused a change in my spirit that I never thought possible!

This week has been very rough for me, I have been in a very dark and lonely place. Not only am I struggling with insanity inside my head, but I have also been feeling guilt about the amount of money that it costs us for me to see Doctor B. You see, at this time of year our health insurance is completely exhausted - so Caleb's play-therapy and my soul quest therapy have to be paid for in cash. And I have been struggling with being able to justify spending so much money on my therapy when money is tight... However, because of a complete emotional meltdown I had at the beginning of the week, Adam persuaded me that it is more important for me to see Doctor B than for me to worry about the money.. Adam was so determined that I keep going to my appointments that I let him take the lead - if Adam feels so strongly about me keeping up with my appointments with Doctor B it must be important.

And I am so very grateful that I listened... not only to Adam, but to Lizelle as well... Lizelle has very quickly become a foundation for me.. and between the two of them (at first I thought they were ganging up on me) they ensured that I keep going to Doctor B. After spending one short hour with him today, he has lightened the heavy burden on my heart... I can truly say that I am happy .. and at peace tonight for the first time in ages..

So I have to say thank you..

Thank you to Lizelle for seeing through my bullshit. And not only seeing through my bullshit, but for seeing through the bullshit that others have poured into my life..

Thank you to Adam.. for standing by me.. even with all my insanity... thank you for standing strong when I am weak.. thank you for taking the time to see my truth even when others are making their own assumptions..

And lastly..

Thank you to Doctor B.. for finally switching on a light that nobody else has been able to find..

My spirit, for the first time in so very long, believes that there is hope..

Caleb's EEG

2010-11-15T21:31:00.000+02:00

Caleb's Doctor, for a few reasons, wanted Caleb to have an EEG to check for anything "strange". We had to keep him up until 23:00 last night, and wake him by no later than 04:00 this morning. We were also not allowed to give him any sugar, and were only allowed to give him a really small snack when we woke him this morning! The theory behind this is that if there is anything strange going on, you are more likely to pick it up when the brain is under stress...

Needless to say last night was fun and games for everyone in the house! At around 22:00 last night Adam, Caleb and I were playing soccer in the garden. Caleb was absolutely zonked.. he was saying crazy stuff and not making much sense at all..lol.. poor baby! The picture is of him at 04:00 this morning.. eating his one allowed piece of toast!

The good news is that the Doctor says that from the initial look of the test, there is nothing that we need to worry about - they will give us a more detailed report when we go back on Monday.

Yay!

Away with me...

2010-11-09T09:19:00.002+02:00

I am taking the boys to visit my Mum in Magailiesburg for a few days! At the same time I will be taking a break from (just about) all technology!

So see you all on the flip side!

It took courage to blog this...

2010-11-05T20:04:00.000+02:00

Self pity is a pathetic emotion… but my therapist assures me that no matter how negative the emotion, I need to recognise and accept all emotions..

He is of the belief that one of the reasons so many people in modern society struggle with themselves and their environment is that we are taught by our fast paced lives and politically correct thinking that negative emotions are bad. Not only are they thought to be bad, but they are completely denied by those not suffering with them.

For example, how many times do we tell ourselves, or those we love, to “suck it up”, “pull yourself together” or “get a grip”? Pep talks rarely help the person they are delivered to. In fact, I would go so far as to say that not only are they of little help, but they truly just make ‘the sufferer” feel worse; as not only do they now have to deal with the primary negative emotion, but they must also now entertain the idea that they are somehow less than strong for even feeling said negative emotion in the first place.

So, having said that, I am now going to fully indulge my self pity.. I am going to lay it all out here for you to read – and hopefully, in so doing, I will have recognised it, named it, understood its source, and will therefore be able to “go with the flow” until it passes and I am once more my happy jovial self.

Okay.. so .. there are a few steps I have to follow in order to gain emotional intelligence over my current state:

Step 1. - Knowing your own emotions

Now this initial step can further be broken down into 3 sub-steps:

• Be aware of your emotion..

This one I have pretty much down, no problem. I am aware that I am filled with self-pity at the moment. There is no denying this step. I would venture out on a limb here and say that not only am I aware of it, but it is making me rather annoying to be around. (Excellent progress Kerren, the first step is the most difficult and now that you have it under your belt, you are free to move on to the next step).

• Identify the emotion…

Okay, another pretty easy one for me.. I am able to identify that I am feeling consumed by self-pity. The question is, where does the self-pity come from? See, pity is a secondary emotion, which means that it is a result of something else. So something has led me to feel this morosely sorry for myself.

So, why am I filled with this self-pity? And not only that, what is the source? What is the primary emotion that shoved me down this gloomy path?

Okay.. I have that one figured out too – the primary emotion (or source) is abandonment. Yes yes, I know how laughable that sounds, but it’s the truth! And remember, that the whole point of this blog is to not deny my negative feelings, but to rather understand and accept that they exist. Right.. so we have established that I am feeling abandoned.

So.. lets break it down and figure out where this feeling comes from:

1. Adam is in Dubai – it was a joint venture between my in-laws and me to send Adam on a surprise 10-day holiday to visit his brothers in Dubai. Adam has never been to Dubai, and his brothers have lived there for 3-years. Adam works his tail off for our family, and he is/was in desperate need of a proper vacation. He left last night.. Adam and I have hardly been apart in 10-years; add to that that I am usually the one who travels; being left alone is a completely foreign thing for me.

2. My closest friend is going to a party tonight that I was supposed to go to with her. She offered to stay with me tonight, but I could not let her do that when I know how much she wants to go out and paint the town red this evening…

3. Which brings me to 3.. The reason I am not able to go to this party with her, is because Mel (my mother-in-law) was supposed to have the boys so that I could go, but Mel and Mike, at the last moment, were offered a weekend away at a game reserve this weekend.. And there is nobody else to ask to baby-sit.

4. Most of my friends are now either living in other countries, or tied up with their own things and families this weekend..

5. I keep going through my phone pondering who I can call – but I just don’t feel comfortable phoning anyone telling them that I am feeling desperately lonely.. There is something so pathetic about it..

6. My mother does not live in the same city as we do, and I have hardly any blood family, and the ones I do have live almost an hours drive away..

* Just a note to those mentioned in 1 – 6: Please do not feel like I am blaming you in any way. I truly am not, for one thing you are not responsible for my happiness, I am; and for another I could have told any one of you how I am truly feeling tonight, but I chose not to, so you are not to blame. I only wrote this list to help my reader understand how I got here.

• Name the emotion:

The emotion is abandonment. I feel abandoned.. And completely alone.

Step 2 – Managing the emotion:

It is one thing to know the emotion, but a completely different thing to be able to manage it. I know that I cannot allow the emotion to dominate. I have the boys to think of first of all, and Caleb especially is struggling with Adam being gone. So I have to be strong for them.

Also, it is really not very productive for me to sit around moping. I mean for goodness sake, it is not like I am going to be alone forever… which brings me to step number 3.

Step 3 – Motivate yourself – Delayed Gratification!

Right.. soooo.. the key with this one, is that most people who are feeling blue are not motivated to do anything… and I have to say that is pretty much how I feel.. but.. The boys are in bed…the house is quiet, and I have absolutely no excuse for not getting on the bike!

I know that once I finish a 50km cycle I will feel better – it is so true that exercise releases endorphins… and so, on that note..

Hi ho hi ho it’s off to cycle I go!

Top Secret

2010-11-04T09:28:00.000+02:00

I can't tell you yet...

But...

Its almost time to reveal THE SECRET!

Shhhhh... don't say a word...

But...

It is almost time..

Soon all will be revealed...

Daughtry Concert...

2010-11-02T08:27:00.000+02:00

Ok.. so it seems that no matter where I go, I am always causing trouble..

On Friday night Lizelle and I went to see Daughtry at The Dome - Anyone who knows me knows I love Daughtry.. In fact, love is probably a mild word... I adore him... I know the words to all his songs.. There is a good chance that I have stalker qualities when it comes to Daughtry.. and George of course..

So on our way in, at the gate, they are searching people, as they do - and when we get to the front the "security" lady insists that the camera I am carrying is too big to take into the venue. At this point I am feeling a wee bit frustrated - the car is miles away and to take the camera back would just be insanity...

While I am contemplating this, the "security" in the row next to us tells me that for "a little something", she will let me in with my camera! Ahhh.. welcome to Africa.. everything is possible for a price! We only have R100 notes on us.. so I stick R100 underneath my ticket and hand it to her - she takes it all smiles and duly lets us in with the camera.

The whole two hours Lizelle and I are snapping away with the camera - no problem! During the second last song I go to take pictures of Daughtry. While I am standing there with this camera stuck to my face trying to get a good view of him, suddenly my view becomes all blurry and I hear this really big voice (coming from somewhere above me) "Where is your media bracelet?"

Hello God, is that you?

I take the camera away from my face just as I feel someone grabbing my wrist. In front of me is this huge "rent a cop" who is behaving in a very aggressive manner. It went like this..

Rent a cop - Lady I asked you where your media bracelet is
Me - I am not from the media
Rent a cop - then you are not allowed to take pictures with that camera. How did you get through the door with that camera?
Me - I walked
Rent a cop - Dont get %&*&% cheeky with me. How did you get through the door with that camera?
Me - Dude, I am not being cheeky, I really did walk through the door.
Rent a cop - If you take one more %%^&*(* picture I will slap you with a R50 000 fine
Me - Listen, there is no need to flex your muscles with me! I am not drunk and disorderly, I am not causing any trouble, all you had to do was ask me nicely and politely to put the camera away and I would have. It is not necessary to speak to me in that tone.

With that, the Rent a cop walked away...

Eish..

The concertt was awesome though.. had a fabulous time! He is so worth seeing live!

Daniel's 2nd Birthday

2010-11-01T09:08:00.000+02:00

Sweet Birthday boy just before we woke him!

Adam leaves very early for work, so it was a 05:00 wake up call for presents

Nothing like a brothers love

Cake for breakfast is a tradition on the boys' birthdays.. was difficult to swallow at 05:00

My three boys

Eish it was a long day!

Mathew and Ruth's baby girl Heather.. what a pretty little thing

Adam with his "dont do that face"

Halloween came early

Ruth - Mathews wife and a very good friend!

Lizelle - One of the most selfless people I have ever met..

Adam's cousin Megan

Adam's Mum

My Mum

Adam's cousin Michelle and her family

The boys' 2nd cousin - beautiful girl!

lol.. He doesn't look sure about this cake thing!

I have gone completely mad..

2010-10-27T01:36:00.000+02:00

I have gone completely insane

That's right

You heard me

I am coocookachooo

Off my rocker

I am hearing the music for The Twilight Zone in my head

seriously..

Can't you hear it?

...

.....

umm

....

......

Do you hear that or is it just me?

"No, it's just you!"

WTF?

Who said that?

...

......

01:23:45

01:23:46

01:23:47

01:23:48

...

.....

It is 01:23:56 in the morning

And I am awake

Again

I just can't sleep

I am exhausted

I am more than exhausted

But

Every night it's the same thing

Pretty much constant for months now

I average between 2 and 4 hours sleep a night..

I have been awake since 03:30:00 this morning..

and it is now 01:24:34

OMG I am so tired..

*Sitting at my desk

fingers on the keys

(Yes I touch type in case you are wondering

You were wondering weren't you?

Or was that me?

My head hurts

Wait

Where were we?

Oh yes, I must close the bracket-thingie

Here goes)

banging my head real slow and steady against my desk whilst typing this*

Please let me sleeeeeeeeeeeeep

Its just not fair...

The lack of fairness sucks big suckie stuff (Do you think I will win any awards for that sentence?)

I think Coocookachoo got screwed...

Holy Cow I love this song!

2010-10-25T07:33:00.000+02:00

Say What?

2010-10-22T08:23:00.002+02:00

Guest Blogging.. Depression ain't for sissies...

2010-10-20T12:39:00.000+02:00

Ok.. so a few weeks back I wrote about guest blogging... here is my second entry on this topic.. I have linked Ang's blog before.. I absolutely adore her blog and the way her mind ticks... Please go and visit her blog and become a follower.. you won't be sorry.. Reading her blog is as essential to my state of mind as my morning coffee... Enjoy!

Photographer: Francesco Marino

When adversity rears its repulsive head, look it in the face and say, "Adversity, kiss my warm, dry, fuzzy butt." - Nike

In our little family Sporty was always the stable influence in our lives, while I tended to hover somewhere between fine and stay the fuck out of my way.

So when the tables were turned recently, it took more than a little getting used to.

Soon after arriving back in Jo'burg, Sporty was inexplicably (or so we chose to believe, 'cos nothing ever is right?) laid up with a dreadful case of the depression lurgy.

We immediately labeled it her 'condishin' and proceeded to poke fun it at. In our house mockery is always the first line of defense. But then Sporty didn't get better, and we were left with no choice but to sit up and pay attention.

"Where's the Rescue Remedy?" I'd ask whenever I found her in a soggy heap on the couch.

"It's finished," she'd invariably slur through her tears.

I was flummoxed.

Then we discovered a homeopathic anti-depressant called Naturally High. Don't you just love the sound of that? The Piscean addict in me immediately took two on an empty stomach (I was sick for the rest of the day).

This miracle cure worked beautifully, so long as she took them with military precision. One minute too late and it would like pouring milk into a cake box and then trying to stop it from running out.

Then we heard about Dr Liang the acupuncturist.

"Depression sometimes chemical, sometimes emotion," he informed a despondent Sporty as he measured her blood pressure and studied her tongue.

"No way of knowing where one start and other stop," he continued sagely. "Come, we put needle."

Sporty left his rooms with a tub of dubious looking brown powder and high hopes. That's not to say she felt better mind you.

"With acupuncture you always feel worse before you get better, by Tuesday this will all be a bad memory." I stupidly promised.

Tuesday came and went, and we were still wobbling precariously along this unfathomable tightrope like a couple of dazed crack addicts.

"What about going to see Jenny?" I asked tentatively, and received a half-hearted glare for my efforts.

Jenny is my holotropic breathwork instructor, and (at that point) way too out there for Sporty's current state of mind.

We added Bach Flower Remedies to Sporty's already formidable collection of things she needed to take in order to manager her 'condishin'. Things started looking up, but with a counter full of weird tinctures, it was hard to pinpoint exactly which one was making the difference.

Still, a visit to Dr Liang was always followed by a meltdown. By then I no longer made desperate statements I couldn't backup.

Eventually after begging, pleading, cajoling and bribing (all without success), I got stern.

"Sporty..." I began.

"What did I do?" she looked panic-stricken. And rightly so, I only ever call her Sporty when it's serious.

"You're tackling your condishin from every angle except one. You're avoiding."

"I know,"

"Can I phone Jenny?"

"Yes,"

Sporty is good at that kind of stuff the way some people are naturally athletic. She's automatically open in a way the rest of us have to work really hard to achieve. I knew if I could just get her there it would make the world of difference.

She came back beaming and it was a whole month before her next episode. And compared to the others, it barely featured on the 'condishin' Richter scale.

Depression isn't for sissies or wusses or the fainthearted, but it does present you with the opportunity to grow.

You say it like that, kinda makes you want to stagnate doesn't it? ;-)

Music Monday

2010-10-18T08:51:00.000+02:00

Such a sexy song... makes me think of driving with the windows down.. wind in my hair... sun shining above..

Proudly South African

2010-10-15T08:12:00.001+02:00

Kulula is a low cost South African Airline - the great thing about this airline, is that they do not take themselves too seriously. They are well known for all sorts of hilarious antics here in South Africa. If only more companies (and people in general) would take themselves a little less seriously and remember that all work and no play makes you a very dull person!

Below are some pictures of one of their newest aircrafts and right at the bottom you will find some quotes from actual PA addressess to passengers.

Kulula airline attendants make an effort to make the in-flight "safety lecture" and announcements a bit more entertaining. Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported:

On a Kulula flight, (there is no assigned seating, you sit where you want) passengers were apparently having a hard time choosing, when a flight attendant announced, "People, people we're not picking out furniture here, find a seat and get in it!"
---o0o---
On another flight with a very "senior" flight attendant crew, the pilot said, "Ladies and gentlemen, we've reached cruising altitude and will be turning down the cabin lights. This is for your comfort and to enhance the appearance of your flight attendants."
----o0o---
On landing, the stewardess said, "Please be sure to take all of your belongings. If you're going to leave anything, please make sure it's something we'd like to have."
----o0o---
"There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane."
---o0o---
"Thank you for flying Kulula. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."
---o0o---
As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Durban Airport , a lone voice came over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella. WHOA!"
---o0o---
After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in the Karoo , a flight attendant on a flight announced, "Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as hell everything has shifted."
---o0o---
From a Kulula employee: " Welcome aboard Kulula 271 to Port Elizabeth. To operate your seat belt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seat belt; and, if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised."
---o0o---
"In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child travelling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are travelling with more than one small child, pick your favourite."
---o0o---
Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but we'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than Kulula Airlines."
----o0o---
"Your seats cushions can be used for flotation; and in the event of an emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take them with our compliments."
---o0o---
"As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses.."
---o0o---
And from the pilot during his welcome message: "Kulula Airlines is pleased to announce that we have some of the best flight attendants in the industry. Unfortunately, none of them are on this flight!"
---o0o---
On Kulula flight 255 just after a very hard landing in Cape Town, the flight attendant came on the intercom and said, "That was quite a bump and I know what y'all are thinking. I'm here to tell you it wasn't the airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't the flight attendant's fault. It was the asphalt."
---o0o---
On a Kulula flight into Cape Town on a particularly windy and bumpy day, during the final approach the Captain really had to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to The Mother City. Please remain in your seats with your seat belts fastened while the Captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate!"
---o0o---
Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: "We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."
---o0o---
An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited, smile, and give them a "Thanks for flying our airline." He said that, in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally everyone had gotten off except for a little old lady walking with a cane. She said, "Sir, do you mind if I ask you a question?"
"Why, no Ma'am," said the pilot. "What is it?" The little old lady said, "Did we land, or were we shot down?"
---o0o---
After a real crusher of a landing in Johannesburg , the attendant came on with, "Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Captain Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt
against the gate. And, once the tyre smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we will open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal.."
---o0o---
Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think of Kulula Airways."
---o0o---
Heard on a Kulula flight: "Ladies and gentlemen, if you wish to smoke, the smoking section on this airplane is on the wing. If you can light 'em, you can smoke 'em."

My Niece's Wedding

2010-10-13T09:31:00.000+02:00

Music Monday

2010-10-11T07:38:00.001+02:00

Love this track... and the video!

Wordless Wednesday

2010-10-06T07:32:00.000+02:00

Johannesburg Pride 2010

2010-10-05T17:34:00.000+02:00

Can you believe that this guy actually walked around like this the whole day??? I figured due to the sensitive nature of some of my readers, I would show you the view from behind and spare you the full frontal!

And these guys were in full Playboy Bunny gear.. unfortunately they took off the shirts before I could get a picture!

This was hilarious! This girls shirt says, : Pasop vir die darkies. Which, translated into English means, "Beware of the darkies" I am not going to go into this in detail.. if you do not see the humour in this T-Shirt, then you have never lived in SA! We had such a good laugh with this girl.. she must have the most wicked sense of humour of anyone I met there!

I felt rather manly next to these two "ladies"

She asked me if we could hurry up and take the pic as she had so many eligible people still to meet..lol

Ahhhh... the boys... damn it was so hot standing here..

Lizelle's idea of heaven... tsk tsk, we all have our dreams!

Last Saturday I went to Johannesburg's annual Gay Pride March - this year marks the 21st anniversary of this event. I was invited to Pride (those in the know simply call it Pride (apparently)) by Lizelle who is very quickly becoming a close friend of mine.

I cannot say that I was not a little nervous.. I was sure that I was going to be the only straight person amongst 50 000 gay people. Lizelle assured me that I would be perfectly safe as apparently I do not feature on the Gaydar (If I need to explain Gaydar you should not be reading this post) at all - now, I know I am a little weird, but I kind of took offence to this... oi.. chicks.. never happy!

Anyway.. I have to say that it was one of the best days I have had in a long time. Everyone was so friendly and welcoming.. there was no aggression.. no fighting.. and no bursting testosterone that usually goes along with drinking beer in the sun - although, having said that, there was plenty fluffing of tail feathers.. prancing.. and of course the inevitable wrist waving..

For the benefit of my heterosexual readers, here are some interesting things I learnt about the gay world that you may not be aware of:

1. Only straight people use the word lesbian.

2. Unless you are talking about the angry lesbians - if you are speaking of them, it seems to be acceptable to use the word lesbian...

3. Due to my unwillingness to upset the angry lesbians, I will not go into detail on how to spot one.

4. Just because your legs look better in heels than mine do, doesn't mean you should be wearing stripper heels - it takes years of practice to pull this off.

5. If you insist on wearing heels and very little else, you should at least shave or preferably wax.

6. If you do not understand why you should not be saying the word lesbian, it is too late to google it.

7. The gay world is far less hung-up on shallow things than the heterosexual world.

8. They are also far more accommodating of your prejudice than you are of their lifestyle.

9. They don't care what you think.

10. Nor should they have to.

11. Feathers are not a special occasion accessory, but rather a life changing necessity of the modern world.

12. Good support is vital no matter which body part you need to wear it on (see picture 1).

13. If someone who weighs more than you pinches your bum, you should thank them from the bottom of your heart for giving you any attention at all.

14. If we all could live and let live, this world would be a happier place.

15. The most important lesson I learnt last weekend, was that prejudice is born from fear of the unknown.

I had an absolutely rocking time with Lizelle, Kim and ALL the girls on Saturday... and you can be sure that next year I will be there with bells on.. literally.. I think it is time bells make a comeback!

Music Monday

2010-10-04T07:29:00.000+02:00

This song featured in my weekend (I will post about the weekend tomorrow)! Such a fabulous track - real old school, although the youth of today think its a brand new club track just for them lol!

Play dates, 100's & 1000's and chaos!

2010-10-01T13:15:00.000+02:00

Caleb had a friend over from school for a play date yesterday! Holy moly it was chaos... All children love to bake... So.. in a moment of madness, I thought it would be a good idea to let them make cookies.. and the truth, is that they had so much fun.. and so did I.. but I doubt my kitchen will ever be the same!

A little bit of what you like...

2010-09-30T08:15:00.000+02:00

Firstly... I know I have linked this blog before, but I love her.. she is one of my favourite bloggers to read simply because she always causes a reaction of some sort in me, be it to make me think or to make my morning coffee come out my nose with the first true laughter of the day..so please check out her blog!

What else... umm... well I thought I would give you an update on family matters.. seeing as I have not done that in a while..

Daniel - Sweet little baby-bear.. This child amazes me everyday, as I have mentioned before, Daniel's command of the English language is incredible! At 23 months he uses words like delicious and exhausted - not only does he use these words, but his enunciation and inflection are darn near perfect. Daniel is still eating like a horse, and growing at about the same rate too - one thing I never have to worry about with him is his nutrition. When Caleb was younger, his nutrition was a constant battle as he was not keen on eating.. Daniel is more like a hoover...and I love it! We are also in the early stages of potty-training with him - this is not our doing, but rather his. I know that he is slightly young for it, but he is showing us all the signs of being ready. He is very interested in the toilet, and will frequently ask me to take his diaper off so that he can go potty on his own. I am in no rush however, and am just letting him do it at his own pace. We are struggling to get Daniel off the bottles, and I know that this is almost a pre-requisite for successful potty training.. he is rather hooked on his - he uses it as a "blankie" more than anything else. I am rather calm this time round though, and am not forcing the issue.. I am just slowly and gently limiting his use of the bottle if and where I can.. I know that he will let it go with a mixture of help from me and maturity from him.. all in good time..

Caleb... brave.. strong... turmoiled Caleb! I sometimes believe that Caleb is just too far ahead of himself. He has been identified many times, and by many different people as an Indigo child. Now, while I recognise that this term is highly controversial, let me just say that Adam and I are both staunch advocates that too many children are labelled with ADHD or ADD these days. We both feel that parents and doctors are far too eager to label children with this illness and then administer drugs, rather than to find a way to help the child without turning them into zombies. Having said that, let me just make it perfectly clear that we know that there are very real instances where a child genuinely has ADHD and requires medication, we just believe that it is used too easily these days as a means to control and subdue wilful children. Right, now that we have cleared that up, lets get back to Caleb.. As I mentioned in this post, Caleb has been having some difficulty at school - this is also now spilling over into home life. Without going into too much detail, we have just felt that Caleb is struggling a bit, and we do not seem to have the right tools, or the right "map" on how to help him. So, after much deliberation, as well as consultation with trusted friends, family members and Caleb's teacher, we decided to send Caleb to a Play Therapist. This is someone who is a clinical psychologist, but who specialises in children. The therapist we chose is a lovely lady who I was actually in school with, but we did not realise this until we met her. We were referred to her by another parent (who we trust implicitly) and who is sending her daughter to see this therapist. Adam and I want to try and help Caleb before he gets older and it becomes a real problem. If we can find a way to reach him now, and in turn allow him to reach us, then we can build trust rather than resentment - we believe that this is critical in his early development so as to avoid larger problems in the future. Anyway, Jo (the therapist) is one of the people who has told us that Caleb is an Indigo child - and this is one of the reasons we like her so much! She is trained in the science of psychology, but she is also a believer and follower of alternative and holistic healing - which means that she is open to whatever avenues the child may need, rather than just medication! Caleb has been for 3 "play dates" with her so far, and he loves it.. and she has picked up in 3 sessions things that we have not told her. I am very hopeful that she will help us find a way of making it easier for Caleb to be understood, and therefore less frustrated all the time.

Adam - Ahhh.. what can I say about this man... (that won't get me into trouble tee hee hee)! Work is really heating up for him at the moment and my usually laid-back husband is taking some strain - add to that the fact that his wife has been causing him all kinds of headaches lately, it is a wonder the poor man has not been carried off to the funny-farm - although the jury is still out on that one, because anyone who has been in my house at suicide-hour will know that our house is very much like a funny-farm. I am still in the process of trying to persuade my husband to take up cycling with me, but I don't think this is going to happen... For starters, the other day as I walked through the house, I caught Adam looking at the bike as if it had been spawned by Satan himself.. so I am getting the idea that I will be cycling alone.. or at least not with Adam lol!

Me... ah well, the family grapevine has been doing a good enough job of telling everyone what is going on with me, but for those not in the know, I will elaborate. Almost three weeks ago now I was arrested for a DUI. It was past midnight and I was driving home with a friend. The legal limit in South Africa is .28, I was at .45. I had had two drinks - I thought you were allowed two? Turns out you are only allowed one.. Anyway, I was pulled over in a regular road-block - it is not like I was all over the road, or caused an accident... So they pull me over, and because I was driving someone else's car, and my licence was in my car, I red-flagged myself... So they take me over to the van to check my ID number and breathalyze me. Needless to say I failed and was subsequently arrested. I was arrested with tons of other people that night and we were all thrown in prison. Due to there not being a detective on duty when we were brought in, we were forced to spend the night. It was a very traumatic event, the details of which I am unwilling (for a number of reasons) to share here. I was released on the Saturday morning and appeared in court on the Monday. All the charges against me were dropped and life goes on.. enough said..

Even just recalling the event in such minor detail here for you is enough to make me feel agitated and snappish.. so based on that, I will end this post now and go and hop on the bike... A brisk 20 - 30km cycle should clear out some of the agitation!

hi ho hi ho, its off to cycle I go..

Weekend Away - Wordless Wednesday

2010-09-29T07:44:00.000+02:00

Really struggling to lose the last 5kgs...

Music Monday

2010-09-27T08:46:00.000+02:00

So I have been posting some pretty banging dance tunes recently... so I decided to slow it down... This is one of the greatest rock ballads of all times... stirs something in my soul that is not often woken...

It's the weekend Baby...

2010-09-24T07:10:00.000+02:00

It is a long weekend here in South Africa.

We have decided to go away for the weekend! So as I sit here and drink my morning coffee, I am planning all the things I have to do before we can leave... Life is not as simple as it used to be.. I remember the days when all I had to do was pack a bag before I could hop in the car and leave for a weekend away.

Things are different now..to say the least..lol It always takes me a good few hours to get the four of us ready to leave.. I have to remember all sorts of things, from pain and fever medicine, to the correct book on dinosaurs... because if I pack the wrong book, bedtime will be a nightmare (for everyone). And I have to fit a ridiculous amount of gear into a car that seems to shrink in size by the second...

So basically what I am saying, is that I am sitting here avoiding the inevitable... I hate the packing.. hate it with a passion... grrrrr... but if I don't do it I cannot be sure that we will have everything that we need... which makes me a psychotic control freak I know

And now that I have run out of arbitrary things to say, the time has come and I can avoid it no longer...

hi ho hi ho its off to pack I go!

Guest Blogging

2010-09-23T07:33:00.000+02:00

Soooo.... following the idea of guest blogging, here is my first guest blogger! I am very excited to have her write on my blog. I love the way she writes and greatly admire the way her mind works.. it just seems to tick on a different level to most mortals... I have been trying to persuade her (for a while now) to start her own blog.. hopefully this will get her moving in that direction...

So.. without further blah blah blah from me...

The Ying and Yang of I

Most of you on this blog don’t know who I am. The majority of you will probably not even look twice if I were to walk past you in a busy street. A few of you might just stop, turn around and notice my fictional character walk into a building. Kerren was one of those people. The difference is that not only did she stop to notice me but she also took time out of her busy life to get to know me.

I don’t know how many of you here know Kerren on a personal level, but she has a way about her that entangles your attention in a web of intellectual conversation and emotional honesty. It is refreshing, to say the least.

However, I’m not here to blow sunshine up Ms Rennie’s ass – even though I know that she loves every second of it. I wish to use this moment to assist you in understanding what Kerren has helped me see.

I have always had certain dualities of my own true self that have, along the years, created a sense of balance within fictional aspects of who I am, in order to win approval from who you are. I don’t believe that I am alone in this, as our conditioning, the expectations of our parents – society all play a role in the image that we choose to portray to the world.

In the past year I have been forced to face the true essence of who I am. Circumstances and fate compelled me to come face to face with both my light and my dark which forced me not to be blinded by the fictional character that I created. And it is only since Kerren and I have been in touch that I have become increasingly aware of my dark side. You see, with Kerren I don’t have to hide. I expose myself every time we speak and in doing so I learn about myself more and more every day. I have come to certain conclusions. I have noticed things about my character that may seem ugly to some. I have even had big debates with myself about my actions and the consequences that may follow. Slowly but surely the honesty about who I am has been peeling away at the layers of this artificial character, and today, as I stand here alone with nothing but my words to fill the void left by what I have lost, I can truly say – This is Me.

I have come to realise that the truth about who I am always comes in the form of dualities. I am a truthful, honest human being who lives by the principle of harm to none, but when faced with fear, with a love that refuses to see all sense of reason and denies all ethics – I can become deceitful and selfish. When challenged by extremes I will counter with extremes. When threatened by hatred or by the misconceptions that people may have of who I am – I will stand firm and stubborn defending the choices I made, even if I think that there may have been a different path – a higher path.

I refuse to believe that I am the only one in this realisation, and in no sense do I endorse the selfish actions of our dark sides, nor do I support the notion of ‘The Devil made me do it’. What I am doing, is revealing my truth and showing you that denial of this reality will lead us only into a deeper sense of deceit. What I am trying to say, is that by embracing this realisation of self - understanding will follow, and with understanding comes respect and with respect comes acceptance.

I have been blessed to find a person that seems to accept me without fear. I have found a friend that I have exposed myself to – I have revealed all – and I am left feeling more loved in this honesty than I have ever felt in my misleading efforts to be perfect.

So I ask all of you – Go home tonight, stand in front of the mirror and be honest. Show your husband, your wife, your girlfriend, boyfriend, dog – whatever – just show yourself to a person you trust and I guarantee you that you will be opening doors that will lead you to self realisation and Love.

This is a truth that has been taught throughout the centuries, but that has only recently found my conviction.

Mapia

Wordless Wednesday...

2010-09-22T12:36:00.000+02:00

Guest Blogging...

2010-09-21T08:07:00.000+02:00

Okay.. so I know I have to write a blog about what happened last weekend... I know I need to.. both for my sanity and yours, but I am just not ready to do it yet... I need to put some space and time between the event and my head. I want to be able to write it from an objective point of view and not from an emotional one. You all saw the emotional posts from the weekend.. and I don't want to go there again.. so I am going to give it some time.. The writer inside me will know when it is time to get it out...

So.... moving on from that...

I would like to do some guest blogging.. We could swap blogs for one post.. Or, if you do not have a blog, you could just guest blog on mine.. I figure this would give us exposure to new audiences as well as fresh ideas.. Obviously the owner of the blog will have final say on what is posted on their blog.

If any of you would like to participate in this, please drop me a mail, or comment on this post and lets get the creativity flowing and sharing...:)

Music Monday...

2010-09-20T17:52:00.000+02:00

In honour of Neill, Tabatha, Simon, Vivi and all the other nameless faces who were imprisoned with me on Friday night...

Continued...

2010-09-18T16:44:00.000+02:00

Such a bad space.. I am in such a bad space.. and usually writing (or typing) about what is going on in my head helps me to clear it... but not today... I am in a fog.. a mist.. it is suffocating.. I cannot see more than a step or two ahead of me.. I am literally taking it moment by moment.. I am struggling to breathe..

I am trying to hear the advice that I would give a friend in this position... but that is not helping either... I have always been the kind of person who withdraws from everyone when I am dealing with something.. I go into myself until I am able to figure out how I feel about something... and if I close my eyes now and picture myself, I see another version of me slowly building the walls.. one brick at a time... one layer at a time... the wall is going up, but it is taking too long.. I need the protection now..

The wall will function as a cocoon... I need it desperately to not only keep others out, but also to keep me in.. to hold the pieces together.. I feel like parts of me are escaping through the cracks... running out of the holes in my defence.. I feel like I am numb and in pain all at the same time..

I am in shock... I know I am in shock... the logical side of my brain recognises the signs of shock.. and yet that doesn't make it easier.. I can't seem to stop crying... but its not really crying... I can only accurately describe it as weeping.. I have been weeping non-stop for 16 hours.. How long does shock last? I have no idea.. what comes after the shock? I have no idea about that either... and on top of dealing with this suffocating fog inside of me, I also have to deal with all the thoughts and well-meaning advice that others will undoubtedly pile onto me in the coming days and weeks..

I feel dizzy... faint... heavy... I am not sure what the result of this will be.. I cannot even begin to see that far ahead.. but for now I feel physically ill... the last time I remember feeling this fog in my head was when we lost Jorga.. I have the same need to protect myself from the world.. to crawl into a little hole and turn my back on the world until the shock passes...

I have to stop typing again now... exhausted again.. and my face and eye are throbbing.. I need to go and lie down for a bit.. but I will type again... this will probably come out in a few posts rather than one coherent one...

One minute life is calm.. the next all hell breaks loose...

2010-09-18T13:36:00.001+02:00

OMG... This can't be happening...
How did I get here..
It was the darkest of nights..
The longest of nights..
The most frightening of nights..

Frightening is not really the word..
Terror... pure, blinding .. terror
I am frozen..
but I feel the sweat running down my spine..
I don't understand how I got here...

I am literally freezing..
I know I have toes.. but I can't feel them
They are numb... and the numbness is spreading..
but that is nothing compared with the constant fear
fear is the only constant..

I sit with my back in a corner
Legs pulled up tight
Watching
Waiting
Praying
Begging

The stench is over-powering
It seeps into every corner of the room...
and every ounce of me
I try to not gag
but it is rising

I hear the sounds of normal life outside
How long until life feels normal again
Will it ever feel normal again
Perhaps this is the new normal
Perhaps this is my future

OMG that thought is more terrifying than anything that has gone before..

My eye has started to swell
I keep touching it.. which is making it worse..
Dirty hands on a cut can only lead to trouble
After a couple of hours I know my eye is infected
Not only that, my face hurts where it hit the gate

I just want to go home...
I read the writings that women before me left on the walls..
Hour after hour I come back to the same one:
"Oh God please help me,
Why have you left me here?"

But it is not God who has put me here
It is my own stupidity
I thought I was bullet-proof
It was a surprise to learn I am not..
Was there not a gentler way to teach this lesson?

and again the fear

I know someone is watching me
A trickle of sweat down my spine again
Should I make eye-contact
Should I pretend I see nothing
And then it occurs to me that she is staring at my boots

And for the second time in as many hours
The thought crosses my mind that if anyone threatens me
I will stick the heel of the boot in their eye
I know.. shocking right?
But you cannot possibly judge unless you have spent hours trapped in my hell

I hold on to the light at the end of the tunnel..
It is faint.. and so very far away
And perhaps it is all in my mind..
But I hold on to that safety

I have to stop writing.. it is exhausting...

Do you understand Quantum Mechanics?

2010-09-15T06:32:00.000+02:00

They're coming to take me away ha ha hee hee to the funny farm where life is beautiful all the time...

I scored 19.886363636363636% on this test... How did you do?

Music Monday

2010-09-13T08:08:00.000+02:00

Like last weeks song, this song makes me get down and shake my tail feathers... completely different songs, but they both rock the world!

Silence...

2010-09-11T15:04:00.003+02:00

The words won't come
Fingers on the keys
Waiting
Ready
Desperate to write
To express
To give voice to thought
To utter that which we know to be true

But the words won't come

The frustration takes hold
Agitation
Fingers on the keys
Eyes staring out the door
With every keystroke greater the distance
Further away
I bring this forth with sheer strength of will
Remember to breathe

Silence

(Almost) Wordless Wednesday

2010-09-08T13:59:00.005+02:00

So.. after my complete rant in this post, I decided enough was enough... so here, in pictures, is my weightloss progress.. I am about 75% of the way to my goal weight. I have lost 17kgs (34.7lbs) and still want to lose another few to be completely happy...

Yes.. that is me in the middle in black.. at my heaviest I have ever been.. this picture was a real wake-up call for me..expecially since I had already lost 1 or 2 kgs..

I feel much better... enough said..

Have you figured out the answer yet?

2010-09-07T15:44:00.003+02:00

I cannot even figure out the question.. let alone the answer...

Have you ever felt like one minute you are strolling along in your life, whistling a happy tune, perhaps watching a fluffy white cloud float on by.. seeing the beauty in the day... and then out of nowhere it all turns to poop...?

Everything that you thought you knew is no longer part of your reality? The things you thought you believed are now being tested... Which brings me to the question of what is the most important question?

If you had to choose one question, as being the most important one in life, what would it be? There are so many options..so many questions that masquerade as "The" question.. so how do you spot the genuine one from the intruder.. the fake.. the liar..
Why am I here?
What is my purpose?
What is my soul's lesson on this visit?
Am I doing the right thing?
What if I choose Option B?
If I make this choice, how will it impact the rest of my life?
Am I a good mother?
Is making this choice the right thing for my children?
Is chocolate really bad for you?

All good questions... but which is the question that determines the fate of your soul for all eternity (or at least on this visit until you get another chance)?

And what if I get it wrong? What if I am sidetracked by a question that seems important at the time, and in doing so I miss the real question... which means that I will need to repeat this cycle does it not?

And what if it is already too late? What if I missed the lesson? What if I was so busy with "the modern life" that I completely missed the lesson that was intended to grow my soul...?

Arrrrgggggghhhhh... yes.. to say the least.. I am feeling frustrated by all of this..

But there is a light at the end of the tunnel..

Very recently someone came into my life who seems to have the same kind of questions I have, the only difference is that she seems further along the path than I am..

Which brings me back to an earlier post (I cannot link you to the earlier post as I was forced to delete it.. yes.. literally forced)... People come into and out of your life when they are supposed to...

So I will breathe..
Slow deep breaths..
One question at a time...

Music Monday

2010-09-06T06:52:00.002+02:00

I loved posting that song last week... I am a typical girl.. there are songs that just appeal to me - some have emotional meaning.. some just rock me to my core... so each week I am going to post a video to a song I love.. or has meaning for me...

So here is this weeks video.. this song makes me turn the volume way up and dance around my study like a crazy freak... Thank you world for giving us music that has this effect!

Please stop.. I cannot hear myself think...

2010-09-03T08:49:00.004+02:00

Someone asked me recently, why it is that I am mostly only able to blog when I am miserable.. or perhaps not when I am miserable, but when I am feeling negative emotions? They said that perhaps we only write about the emotions that are the strongest in us.. and that perhaps I should try and write (or find) the love..

Well.. they may have a point... because this morning I am struggling with negative emotions, and I have a few tough things to think about... and guess what? .. that's right... I suddenly feel like writing.. The problem though is one that I have mentioned before... There are some things I am unable to write about here.. because of sensitivity and privacy for some of my readers..

So I have been sitting staring at this post for the past twenty minutes trying to figure out what to write next...see.. all the words and thoughts flying around my head I cannot write here.. So it doesn't matter what I write about now, the writer-voice inside of me will not be silent until I get the thoughts out of my head and "onto paper" or screen.. as it were.. Which brings me full circle.. Perhaps I should just write the blog post I want to.. give freedom and voice to the thoughts in my head and suffer the consequences later.. But it doesn't seem fair to discuss other peoples issues on here for the world to see..

So I hold my tongue... bite down... try to silence the voice that begs release from the prison of my mind..

It is no use...the noise grows louder and my ability to shut it out grows weaker... it is making me crazy... I honestly feel a little crazy... I must get it out or I will continue to feed the poison...

But not here...
not for the world to see...
Just for the person it is intended for..
so I must leave the blog with this weak attempt at a post and swiftly turn to email ... I must do it now...

the noise is deafening..

If I had to choose one that speaks to me...

2010-09-02T12:43:00.002+02:00

Dixie Chicks - Not Ready To Make Nice (Official Music Video). Watch more top selected videos about: Dixie Chicks

This song means so much to me... it always has... the message just speaks to my soul.. It is a very "chick" song, but I love it nevertheless...

Wordless Wednesday - Caleb's 5th Birthday Party

2010-09-01T07:03:00.005+02:00

The Truth of it...

2010-08-22T20:33:00.004+02:00

I love this... I read it today for the first time and it made me smile !

Dear Jorga,

2010-08-20T14:02:00.000+02:00

It has been exactly, to the hour, 6 years since I learnt of your passing.. I remember the day so clearly, time has not dulled it....

I remember sitting in the Doctor's room with your Daddy next to me.. I remember fear gripping me because I was worried that something was wrong.. I remember Daddy taking my hand and telling me jokes.. making me laugh.. making the time pass.. I remember lying on the bed and watching Dr Baker get out the gel to rub it over my belly... I remember holding my breath as the image of you popped on screen... I remember feeling my world close in around me.. I very clearly remember thinking, "this can't be happening.."

I remember the ice-cold blanket that seemed to cover me... I remember hearing the voices in the background... I remember Dr Baker saying that it's not the end of the world.. that these things happen for a reason.. that there will be other babies.. I remember thinking that only someone who has not had their child die inside their womb could make such a stupid statement...

I remember lying in the hospital bed crying like I would never stop... As they wheeled me into theatre I remember asking God to let me die on the table... I remember wondering what would happen to your body... I remember my last conscious thought being, "They are about to rip my child from my womb".

I remember the weeks that followed... I remember feeling dead inside.. I remember asking God why must my mind still function.. why must I still think... I remember trying to drown everything with alcohol and pills.... I remember waiting until Daddy went out to the shops.. I would stand in the kitchen and watch his car pull out the driveway.. then I would literally lie down on the kitchen floor and sob until I couldn't breathe or until I heard him coming back.. whichever came first..

I remember the pressure to "pull myself together"... I remember going out in public and wishing everyone around me would just go away (a nice way of putting it). I remember learning to hide my pain because the world expected me to get over you in a "regular" amount of time.. I never did.. I still haven't..

Today as I was going about my business I was watching people around me.... watching them go about their day as if 20 August is not the saddest and most devastating date on the calender.. I want the world to stop... I want all the noise and chaos to stop.. and for just one second I want to hear your voice saying "mommy"...

My heart breaks today as it does every year on this day... as it will every year on this day for the rest of my life....You were here so briefly... you were taken far too soon... but you existed... you are real... and I will remember... Mommy will always remember...

I miss you Jorga... I miss you most on days like today... I miss you in the quiet times... and in the times of chaos..I miss you every time I see Erryne.. you would have only been a few months apart.. every time I look at her and see how she is growing, what she is interested in... how sweet she is at this age, I miss you...

Your brothers keep me so busy...and they are the only things that seem to ease the pain and longing for you...I will give them everything I have in this world, and when I take my final breath it will be with a happy heart that it will soon be your time with mommy...

I love you baby girl..

Love
Mommy
xxx

Would you like me to point out your failings to you?

2010-07-22T10:09:00.000+02:00

I don't understand... When did my weight issues become fit for public consumption??? I don't go around discussing your stupidity... or your ugly face.... or the fact that your personality is as exciting as watching the repair man (who is in my kitchen as we speak) fixing my oven.

And yes, to answer your question I am cross... spitting mad is more likely the right expression.

I am just so sick of not being able to talk about anything other than my weight. I know people mean well, but the truth is I am not an idiot..nor am I blind... I promise you that when I look in the mirror, I am quite capable of seeing my love handles...and the tractor tyre I carry around with me daily. It is also fairly simple for me to spot the double chin and saddle bags. However, if I am ever in doubt about the location of any of these accessories, I will be sure to ask you to comment.

But here is the thing... if you have not been in my position, you cannot possibly understand what it is like. I know that you are all just trying to help me, but some comments are just not helpful. In fact, some comments are just plain hurtful. Let me break it down for you...

If I am being honest, I have to say that I know I am obsessed with my weight. It just used to be so simple. When I was younger and I wanted to lose weight I would just stop eating for a week and the weight would drop off. Now I am sure I could stop eating again, but things are different now. I now have a husband who depends on me to keep things running smoothly at home while he brings in the bread every day. I also have two small boys who need me to be strong and healthy so that I can take care of them in a way they deserve. What this means is that I have to eat and take care of myself for all three of my boys - they deserve a wife and mother who is on top form.

Based on the above considerations, I went to see our family doctor two months ago and literally sobbed on his shoulder and begged him to help me. I thank my lucky stars that I have the kind of GP who actually listens. He let me sob and snot around his rooms for a bit and then laid out the plan for me. The first thing was that I needed to get blood work done to see if there was anything strange going on in my system. We discovered that my thyroid is limping along, as well as the fact that my body is not using sugar the way it should. My insulin and glucose are not speaking to each other, which means that any sugar I take in is not being used, but rather being stored. This also explains my constant craving for chocolate - the Doc says that my body is craving sugar for energy, so the minute it stores one amount of sugar it is begging for more. And last, but certainly not least is my metabolism, which he says is apparently in reverse.

I was so thrilled to hear all of this news I wept like a child again... Trust me, I know that sounds insane, but you need to understand the level of desperation I feel over my weight - so hearing that there is actually something going on with my system that is thwarting my efforts to lose the weight was like music to my ears.

So.. here is where we stand today..
I take one pill in the morning to kick-start my thyroid.
I take two pills a day to increase my metabolism and decrease my appetite.
I take another pill 30 minutes before each meal to help my body use the sugar (carbs) as energy rather than storing it.
I only eat low GI breakfasts
I have fruit mid-morning
I usually have home-made soup and a slice of low GI bread for lunch
and then I eat a normal dinner in the evenings, except I swap whatever carbs the boys are having with a portion of brown rice.
I also drink at least 2 litres of water every day
I cycle at least 5 days a week, and burn approximately 300 calories with each workout.
I alternate sprints and length training, but always stay above 35kms per hour and keep my repetitions above 90 repetitions a minute unless I am on warm up or cool down.
My heart-rate averages at 125 - 130 during length training and reaches about 145 during sprints.

So.. now that you have read all of that, if you still think that I am not trying, or that I eat too much, or don't exercise enough, or that I eat the wrong things, then please comment.. go on.. comment!

Edit: Due to so many people asking who I am talking about, I thought I would just clarify that it is not one person, but rather many people. For example, the lady with the red hair who works at the Engen shop on Mercury Street is always finding it necessary to comment on my shape since the birth of the boys...

* I dedicate this blog post to Tracey - we have hardly spoken before, and yet out of the blue there you were when I needed someone to just listen to me rant... not only did you listen, but you said things that both made sense and were worded in a tactful and kind way.. bless you for being such a sweet soul.. I hope one day I can return the favour.